The Vampire Blog

by Pete Johnson

  ‘Truly, Mum, I never did.’

  ‘It was at night. So while you and millions of other people slept, my half-vampire powers meant I could stay awake and alert for three hours longer than any ordinary human. I’m using my time to study Italian now.’

  ‘I had noticed,’ I said, ‘how you two seemed to come to bed very late.’

  ‘And soon,’ said Dad, ‘you needn’t go to bed at a normal time either. While all your class-mates are tucked up for the night, you’ll be able to stay up with your mother and me until two o’clock in the morning.’

  ‘And even later than that at weekends,’ said Mum.

  ‘Wow,’ I said. ‘So while most children only have to hang out with their parents during the day, I’ll be able to stay up half the night with you as well.’ I shook my head. ‘My friends would be so jealous if they knew.’

  Sunday 7 October

  10.15 a.m.

  Still no sign of any cravings! And the bad breath and the fang now seem far away. In fact, I feel sort of normal again.

  7.05 p.m.

  Tonight, a surprise visitor! My nan. My parents acted all surprised when they saw her, but I knew at once they’d sent for her.

  Now, my mum and dad don’t really get me. To them I’m just an idiot. And I know they’resecretly a bit ashamed of me. But Nan (my dad’s mum) is different. She thinks I’m all right. You can have a laugh with her too. She sat opposite me in one of her gaudy shawls and wearing bright red lipstick as usual. (One of Nan’s words of wisdom: ‘People always notice you if you’re wearing red lipstick.’)

  ‘So come on then, Marcus, why are you being such a big nuisance?’ she demanded tonight.

  ‘Me? I’m very hurt now,’ I said.

  She smiled. ‘And you never guessed anything before your thirteenth birthday?’

  ‘Not a thing.’

  ‘Well, we’re pretty good at keeping secrets. We have to be when it’s right at the heart of our lives. And it’s an incredible secret, isn’t it?’

  ‘You could say that,’ I said. Then I lowered my voice. ‘I’m not cut out to be a half-vampire.’

  ‘Nonsense,’ she said. ‘But right now, you’re very scared.’ I shook my head vigorously. ‘Life’s not easy for any thirteen-year-old, as I know,’ she continued. ‘Yes, I can still remember that far back.’ We both sort of relaxed and smiled a bit then. ‘So teenagers cover up their fears with a lot of cheek and bravado – just like you do.’

  ‘But not many thirteen-year-olds are facing all this stuff,’ I said.

  ‘No, they’re not,’ she agreed. ‘Do you know the first thing I did when I heard I was a half-vampire?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘I was so shocked and ashamed I ran away. I jumped on a train actually.’

  ‘I had no idea trains had been invented way back then – that’s a joke, by the way. So where did you end up?’

  ‘Oh, somewhere very strange. I didn’t have enough money to go home either. So I had to call my parents to come and get me.’

  ‘I bet they were mad,’ I said.

  ‘Yes, but they weren’t as angry as I expected. They could see why I wanted to run away from it. But that’s not the answer. Change is a fact of everyone’s life. It’s just that our changes are a bit more extreme than most. But, Ved, it’s worth it, because there’s far more to you than you realize. There really is magic inside you.’ She paused. I’d been listening to her really intently. But then she spoiled it all by adding the killer words, ‘So come on, Ved, embrace your destiny.’

  Not only had she used that horrible name – twice! – but also that’s exactly what Mum hadsaid: ‘Embrace your destiny.’I’m surprised they don’t give me a T-shirt with that written on it. But what if you’ve no intention ofembracing your so-called destiny?

  So I shook my head and said, ‘Good try, Nan, but sorry, no sale.’

  10.15 p.m.

  Feel more alone than ever tonight, blog. OK, I come from a family of crazies. But that doesn’t mean I have to join them.

  Nan says: ‘There’s magic inside you.’ What magic? I can stay up late and sit some extra exams. Wow! Spellbinding stuff. And that’s the only benefit of being a half-vampire that I can see, while there are tons and tons of drawbacks. Sorry, Nan, I’m chanting ‘I am not Ved’ even longer tonight.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Monday 8 October

  8.30 a.m.

  Still no cravings! Hooray!

  4.15 p.m.

  We’ve just had our after-school assembly with Townley.

  He said, ‘Today I’ve discovered that the appalling behaviour in Friday’s assembly was the result of a club: the Monster Club, I believe it’s called.’

  ‘No, all wrong,’ muttered Tallulah.

  ‘Well, I’m tellingyou,’ said Townley, hisvoice rising, ‘that this club stops right now, and anyone still belonging to it at school will face serious consequences.’ Tallulah whispered, ‘So now we’ve got to go underground. Excellent.’

  And quite suddenly I grinned. Not for any special reason. I just needed the exercise, I suppose. Only Townley saw me.

  ‘Marcus Howlett,’ he screamed. ‘Why are you smiling?’

  ‘I’m just enjoying your assembly,’ I said. ‘One of the best yet. In fact, it’s really set me up for the evening.’

  Townley didn’t know how to react to this. So he waggled his fingers at me and said, ‘There are things I will not tolerate. And top of the list is rudeness.’

  I stared at him. But I hadn’t been rude. A tiny bitsarcastic, perhaps, but not rude.

  ‘I shall be watching you,’ Townley went on, while glaring very hard at me. ‘I shall be watching you very closely.’

  5.20 p.m.

  Always when I get home Mum’s around. So I was really surprised to find the house empty tonight.

  Then I heard a noise in the sitting room. ‘Hi,’ I called.

  No answer.

  I barged into the sitting room and got a massive shock. A boy who I’d never seen before was sitting all relaxed and comfortable on our sofa.

  ‘So who are you?’ I asked. ‘A very lazy burglar?’

  ‘Heard you were a bit of a joker,’ said the boy, grinning as he slowly got to his feet. He looked about seventeen, rather scrawny but oozing confidence. He was like a little sparrow strutting about. Only he had jet-black hair and pale staring eyes.

  ‘I’m Karl – Karl with a K not a C, just to clear that up right away.’

  ‘And perhaps you’d also clear up just what you’re doing in my house, Karl with a K?’

  ‘Good, like your spirit. It shows potential,’ he added approvingly. ‘You don’t recognize me, do you?’

  ‘I really don’t.’

  ‘I’m your second cousin; we met years and years ago at a wedding but only for a few seconds. Anyway, your parents asked me to swing by. I hear you’re having a few problems about being a vamp. That’s what I call us half-vampires: vamps.’

  ‘And you’re a vamp?’

  ‘Crossed over four years ago,’ said Karl, giving a little bow. ‘I just loved every moment of it. Especially. … well, no one in my class could work out why I suddenly wasn’t wearing glasses any more.’

  ‘Never heard of contact lenses, had they?’ I said.

  ‘My sight just improved so much when I became a half-vampire. In fact, I’ve probably ended up with the best eyesight of anyone in my school.’ Then he gave me the most patronizing smile you’ve ever seen and said, ‘But you’re feeling a bit nervous about it all, aren’t you? Well, your worries are over because I’m here to help you. First of all, you’ve got to chill out. And remember, you will never have such an amazing thing happen to you again. So just relax and let out your vamp side, and one day soon you could be exactly like me.’

  I tried to look suitably excited at this prospect.

  ‘Your mum and dad have told you about other benefits of being half-vampire: like we only need four or five hours’ sleep at night. So at two in the morning I’m still
buzzing. But I understand you’reworriedabout the cravings.’

  ‘Well, yeah,’ I admitted. ‘It sounds … messy.’

  ‘And I won’t lie to you,’ said Karl. ‘Cravings can be messy.’ He lowered his voice. ‘With me it was butchers’ shops. Bit of an unusual one, that. And I made a tiny idiot of myself.’ He smiled. ‘I even got myself banned from my local butcher’s shop. But people forget. Well, the butcher still gives me a few funny looks whenever he sees me, but he’s very easily frightened.’ He grinned at me. ‘So have I reassured you?’

  ‘Oh yeah, massively,’ I said sarcastically.

  ‘Hey, I told your parents I could sort you out. And here’s some more good news. Your mum and dad want us to hang around together, hoping you’ll pick up some of my vamp skills, I suppose.’ He tried to laugh modestly. ‘So that’s brilliant, isn’t it?’

  ‘Yeah, just wait until my mum and dad get back,’ I said grimly, ‘and I can thank them properly.’

  5.45 p.m.

  ‘Hey, Mum,’ I said, when she finally turned up from wherever she’d been hiding. ‘Thanks so much for finding Karl with a K for me.’

  And she thought I was being serious. ‘Well, it was a bit of luck actually because we’d really lost touch with your Aunt Kate and Uncle Chrisasthey travel aroundso much …’

  ‘Er, Mum, actually …’ I began.

  But I couldn’t stop her burbling on. ‘And I knew Karl would be the person to help you – so I wrote to them at the last address I could find for them. Your uncle and aunt are away again, but Karl had to stay behind as he’s revising for an exam. And when he read my letter he just sped over here, which is wonderful, as we can’t have seen him for years.’

  ‘Mum!’ I practically shouted. ‘Do me a favour, will you? Send Karl home again now because he’swithout doubt the most annoying person I’ve ever met.’

  ‘What’s wrong with him?’ demanded Mum.

  ‘Where do I start? He’s astonishingly bigheaded—’

  ‘No, he’s not,’ interrupted Mum.

  ‘Mum, have you actually spoken to him? He thinks he’s the greatest vamp the world has ever seen; also—’

  ‘Oh, honestly, Ved,’ interrupted Mum, sounding both exasperated and upset. ‘You can be so difficult sometimes. Karl has come a long way just to help you. Can’t you be grateful?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Well, we’re all going out tonight.’

  ‘And where exactly are we going?’

  Mum hesitated for just a moment. ‘We’re going to the local graveyard, actually.’

  11.30 p.m.

  Yeah, that was our cheery destination. It was a very cold night, so the place was deserted, apart from us and a few bats.

  ‘Just feel this wonderful atmosphere,’ said Mum. ‘It’s so peaceful, isn’t it?’

  ‘That’s because everyone here is dead, Mum,’Isaid. ‘Sothey’re not exactly going to be making a racket, are they?’

  Dad put a hand on my shoulder. ‘Just stop the jokes for a few minutes, Ved. Now, doesn’t this place make you feel wonderful?’

  ‘No, sorry, but it really doesn’t.’ Mum and Dad were so disappointed at this answer that they both had to look away.

  ‘I know what’ll change his mind,’ said Karl. He slowly and proudly put on his vampire cape. ‘I am Count Karl,’ he said. ‘And I am proud to be a vamp.’ Then, before I knew what was happening, he’d put back his head and let out the most gruesome, grisly, bloodtingling howl you’ve ever heard.

  ‘Now, what about that?’ asked Dad.

  ‘I thought it was only werewolves who howled,’ I said.

  Mum, Dad and Karl all looked very shocked now. ‘Werewolves are amateurs compared to us,’ said Dad firmly. ‘And whenever you hear a strange howling noise in the middle of the night, that’s bound to be a half-vampire.’

  ‘You can’t hold me back when it comes to howling,’ said Karl. ‘I practise every single night.’

  ‘Noisy or what?’ I said.

  ‘OK, Ved,’ said Karl. ‘You’re looking at me and thinking: I can never be as good at howling as him. And you probably can’t. But practice is the key that opens the door of opportunity, so startpractising now, Ved.’

  ‘We brought your cape,’ said Mum. And she handed it to me, almost shyly.

  ‘Put it on then,’ said Dad.

  I flung on the cape. Felt so stupid in it, as if I were at a fancy dress or something. But Mum and Dad made ‘Oh don’t you look smart’ noises, and Karl said, ‘You’ll grow into it in time.’

  ‘Now, just howl as loud as you like,’ said Dad.

  ‘Really make our skin crawl,’ said Karl.

  ‘You can copy me if you like,’ he added.

  And I did try. I mean, I didn’t want to be a half-vampire. But I wanted to show them – well, Karl mainly – that I could be one of them if I wanted. So I concentrated hard and then out of my mouth came the sound a startled guinea pig might make, only not so scary.

  There was a shocked silence. ‘That was terrible, wasn’t it?’ I said.

  ‘You were nervous,’ said Mum.

  ‘You need to take a few more deep breaths,’ said Dad.

  ‘Maybe I was too good – and put you off ?’ suggested Karl.

  I was determined to do better, so this time I took three very deep breaths, and after each one came a sharp hissing sound. Now I was warmed up and ready to roar. So then I released my second howl. And if a butterfly ever burped – well that’s exactly what it would have sounded like.

  It was beyond pathetic.

  I tottered back in shame. No one spoke. Dad was staring down at a freshly dug grave, looking as if he’d quite like to jump right inside it. Mum had a fixed grin seemingly stuck on to her face.

  Finally Karl said, ‘I think you’re going to need a lot of help, Ved.’

  Back home Mum said to me, ‘We know you did your best.’ I don’t think people should ever be allowed to say that, as it only reminds you of how rubbish you’ve been.

  Then Mum left me to read a book about vampires (‘It just might help you,’ she said hopefully) whileshe, Dad and Karl whispered in the doorway.

  I heard Karl say, ‘I’ve seen vamps as bad as Ved.’ And then, after a slight pause, ‘No, actually he’s the worst vamp I’ve ever seen.’

  Now, I should be pleased by what happened tonight, as I don’t want to be a vamp, or anything like Karl. And believe me, I am. But I’m also more than a bit ashamed.

  CHAPTER SIX

  Tuesday 9 October

  12.45 p.m.

  All over the school posters have sneaked up saying:‘M.I.S. RULES’ and ‘IDRINK YOUR BLOOD’. No wonder Townley has been stomping around in a furious mood. But when I congratulated Tallulah she gave me a really icy stare and said, ‘I’m waiting for you to try and say something funny now.’

  ‘No jokes at all,’ I said. ‘Just congratulations.’

  She stared at me for a long moment before saying, ‘Oh well, thanks.’

  4.30 p.m.

  Mum’s just told me Karl had to rush away to sit his exam. This is the best news I have had for ages. Only he has threatened to return.

  Still, I had two more visitors waiting for me tonight – I tell you, I’ve never had such a busy social life. It was the doctor again. Only this time he’d brought his chum with him: a thin unsmiling woman clutching the biggest clipboard you’ve ever seen. The moment the doctor started talking she was off, scribbling away.

  Mum hovered nervously in the background (Dad was away for the night at a conference) while the doctor said in his breezy way, ‘I hear you’re having a few problems. Still, we mustn’t be down-hearted, must we?’ Then he produced a magnifying glass and started peering at me through it. ‘Now, I don’t want you to worry at all. I’m just going to look into your right eye.’

  ‘I’ve got a left eye too,’ I said. ‘In fact, they’re what you might call a matching pair.’

  ‘Now, just relax and forget all about me,’ he said. Then he sta
rted saying weird numbers like C6andB7 the way dentists do sometimes, while Little Miss Sunshine wrote away furiously on her clipboard.

  ‘No, nothing to worry about there,’ he said.

  ‘How are your bowel movements?’ asked the woman suddenly, gazing intently at me over the clipboard.

  ‘They’re very well, thank you. How are yours?’

  ‘Are you constipated?’ she snapped.

  ‘No, my name’s Marcus Howlett,’ I said.

  ‘And I don’t know anyone called constipated. Bit of a strange name really.’

  ‘Stop trying to be funny, dear,’ murmured Mum, ‘and answer the questions.’

  I said, ‘OK, my bowel movements are just fantastic – in fact, you can watch them any time you like.’

  ‘Now, young man,’ said the doctor, ‘remember we’re here to help you overcome a few tiny problems. So would you open your mouth and give us a lovely, loud vampire call?’

  ‘What! Here? Now?’ I said.

  ‘Yes, please.’

  ‘In front of Miss Clipboard?’ I went on.

  ‘Come along now, nice big howl,’ urged the doctor.

  Well, my heart was thumping as I was still a bit upset about my dismal howling yesterday. And I couldn’t believe I was going to do any better in the sitting room with an audience gawping at me.

  ‘Do it, please,’ urged Mum.

  ‘Oh, all right,’ I said. I closed my eyes and tried. Honestly I did. But I sounded exactly like a field mouse gargling. Then I opened my eyes to see three very depressed faces. ‘That wasn’t any good, was it?’ I said. ‘In fact, it was total rubbish.’

  The doctor knelt down in front of me. ‘Ved,’ he said.

  ‘Oh, that’s me, isn’t it? I keep forgetting.’

  ‘I’ve examined you carefully and you’re as bright as a button, in tip-top health. So the only problem is here inside your head. Your emotions are in a whirl right now. Don’t fight the vampire side of you.’

  ‘I’m not,’ I said, which I admit was a lie.

  ‘It’s just, well, you heard that howl. I haven’t got a vampire side.’

  ‘Oh, yes you have,’ said the doctor firmly. ‘Go on resisting and you’re turning your back on your destiny.’