The Vampire Blog

by Pete Johnson

  ‘I didn’t like the way you smiled when you said that,’ I said.

  ‘No, you’re still in danger. You’ll definitely need a bodyguard; someone who knows all about vampires.’

  ‘Are you volunteering for the job?’ I asked.

  ‘Of course I am.’ Tallulah grinned. ‘Have you got a spare room?’

  ‘We’ve got the attic.’

  ‘Perfect. I’ll live there. And you needn’t pay me. My parents will pay you to get shot of me.’

  ‘If your parents had seen you tonight they’d have been well impressed,’ I said. ‘Just as I am.’

  Tallulah actually beamed at me then. In fact, the whole room seemed soaked in happiness.

  And then … and then my parents came back.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  11.30 p.m.

  ‘Don’t panic,’ called out Tallulah, ‘but your son’s just been attacked by a vampire. Now, don’t worry, I dealt with the situation and he’s absolutely fine.’

  ‘It’s true,’ I added. ‘Karl was, in fact, not my cousin – but a vampire.’

  My mum and dad gaped at Tallulah and me in total confusion. We went into the sitting room, and by the time Tallulah and I had finished telling them about Karl’s attack, both my parents had aged about ten years. They looked terrible. They whispered to me how they hadn’t been able to find the specialist Karl had recommended, but just thought they’d got the address down wrong.

  ‘How could we have left him in charge?’ cried Mum.

  ‘We should have asked him for proof of identity or something,’ said Dad.

  ‘Oh, Dad, who’d want to live in a world where people did things like that?’ I said. ‘He knew all about the letter we’d sent and he was the same age as the real Karl – of course you believed him.’

  ‘Vampires are very clever,’ put in Tallulah. ‘I’m an expert on them.’ Then she added kindly, ‘I don’t suppose you even thought they existed up to now, did you?’

  ‘No,’ murmured Dad, and then he got up. ‘You two have had a nasty shock; you both deserve a hot drink now.’

  ‘Oh, that’s all right,’ began Tallulah.

  ‘No, I insist,’ said Dad. He marched off to the kitchen, while Mum continued asking about tonight, but she seemed distracted. I guessed she was just really shocked by what had happened. Then Dad returned. ‘Hot chocolate, perfect at a moment like this.’

  He seemed to perk up now as he chatted away to Tallulah and me. ‘I want to thank you, Tallulah,’ he said, ‘for all you’ve done tonight. We will always be very grateful to you.’

  ‘And you do believe it was a vampire?’ asked Tallulah.

  ‘Oh, yes,’ said Dad, ‘we’re certain of that.’

  ‘And will you tell other people?’ went on Tallulah.

  ‘Why not?’ said Dad smoothly and without a moment’s hesitation – which stunned me.

  And then something happened which shocked me much more.

  Tallulah suddenly gave a large yawn. ‘Oh, sorry,’ she cried, and then gave an even larger yawn and her head slumped forward.

  I sprang to my feet. ‘Was there something in that drink?’

  ‘It’s all right,’ said Dad.

  ‘No it’s not all right,’ I said. ‘You can’t go around drugging my friends.’

  ‘It’s very mild,’ said Mum. She and Dad were leaning over Tallulah now. ‘And we only use it in emergencies.’

  ‘And this is an emergency,’ said Dad. Then he muttered to Mum, ‘How long did the manual say to wait?’

  ‘Five minutes is their recommended time,’ said Mum.

  ‘And then what?’ I exclaimed.

  ‘First,’ said Dad, ‘you must tell us exactly what Tallulah knows.’

  ‘Why?’ I asked.

  ‘Oh come on, Ved,’ said Mum, ‘you must see that we can’t allow Tallulah to know vampires exist. She will talk about today – and very loudly. And then people will descend on us, wanting to know all the details, such as why you were picked out. Suddenly we’d be the focus of everybody’s attention. Half-vampires can’t live like that.’

  ‘Too much to hide, you mean,’ I said bitterly. I hated seeing poor Tallulah lying there, drugged. It wasn’t right, after all she’d done to save me tonight.

  ‘You’ve got to help us,’ said Mum, ‘and there isn’t much time.’

  ‘But first of all,’ I replied, ‘you’ve got to tell me what you’re going to do to her.’

  They did.

  After which I explained how Tallulah had seen the mark of the vampire bite on my neck that night in the woods, and again when she visited me here. I told them too how I’d met her earlier tonight (both my parents shook their heads gravely and Mum muttered, ‘To go out when you’re “in season”. How foolish is that?’).

  Then Dad said, ‘I’m now going to talk to Tallulah. But it’s very important that the only voice she hears is mine.’

  ‘The manual was very firm about that,’ cut in Mum. ‘Said it could confuse her gravely … so not a word, Ved.’

  ‘All right,’ I muttered.

  Dad then leaned next to Tallulah and said in a slow, calm voice, ‘Good evening, Tallulah, can you hear me?’

  ‘Yes,’ she said.

  ‘Please repeat everything I say.’

  ‘Please repeat everything I say,’ said Tallulah.

  ‘I never saw the mark of the vampire on V—’ Dad nearly said ‘Ved’, but just in time said, ‘Marcus’s neck.’

  ‘I never saw the mark of the vampire on V— Marcus’s neck.’

  Dad repeated this instruction one more time just to make sure it was completely clear.

  Next he said, ‘And I never saw a vampire here tonight.’

  ‘And I never saw a vampire here tonight,’ repeated Tallulah.

  This went on for quite a bit longer. And in the end I had to walk away. I knew what my parents meant about keeping the identity of vampires and half-vampires secret. I could see why they had to hypnotize Tallulah. But I still hated watching it, and especially the way Tallulah recited everything in that drab, lifeless voice, nothing like her own.

  Then Dad clapped his hands and Tallulah woke up. She looked around in some surprise.

  ‘It was so good of you,’ said Mum, ‘to come round to see how Marcus is.’

  ‘And to let us thank you personally,’ said Dad, shaking hands with her, ‘for finding Marcus when he fell over in the woods.’

  ‘That’s all right,’ said Tallulah, sounding like someone just waking up in the morning. ‘But I’d better go now.’

  ‘I’ll see you out,’ I said. At the door I asked, ‘So how are you?’

  ‘Absolutely fine – why are you suddenly asking me that?’

  ‘Oh, I always ask people that after they’ve spent time with my parents. So where are you off to now?’

  ‘Home,’ she said wearily.

  ‘And do you remember where that is?’

  She looked at me. ‘What are you talking about? Trying to be funny as usual, I suppose.’ And with that she left.

  I told my dad I was going to trail her just to check she ended up returning to the right house. But he said I mustn’t, under any circumstances, go out, as I was still very weak. So he followed her instead. And she did find her way home without any problems at all.

  ‘I told you,’ said Mum, ‘she won’t suffer any ill effects.’

  Only she won’t remember offering to be my bodyguard. And that’s a massive shame, blog. I’d loved to have seen her doing that.

  Tuesday 23 October

  9.00 a.m.

  Slept in quite late this morning.

  I was finally woken by a funny sort of itching on my lip. I leaped out of bed.

  And there it was: one yellow fang. I blinked at it in total amazement and joy. ‘Class,’ I murmured. Then I tore downstairs. Dad and Mum were both in the kitchen.

  ‘Fangs away,’ I said.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  9.45 a.m.

  If you ever want to stop your parents
gassing on and on, here’s a tip for you – grow a fang. It really shuts them up.

  They both just stared and stared at me, and then Dad blew his nose twice, while Mum gulped and cried and got the hiccups.

  ‘Be honest now,’ I said. ‘You never thought this moment would happen, did you? Well, don’t worry, because I didn’t either.’

  And still my parents couldn’t utter a single word. It was embarrassing and shocking and brilliant, all at once.

  The doctor’s just given me a check-up. Only Mum and Dad left us alone this time.

  10.50 a.m.

  ‘Well, this is a day of rejoicing in the Howlett household,’ Dr Jasper said. ‘The caterpillar has finally broken out of its chrysalis.’ He peered at my fang through his magnifying glass. ‘That looks very healthy indeed.’

  ‘So will it grow any more?’ I asked.

  ‘Unlikely,’ said the doctor. ‘If it feels itchy, I’ve left some ointment – but do not scratch it. Let the fang do its good work. It’ll slip off in three days. And you must stay indoors for at least another week.’ He leaned forward. ‘Being different is never easy.’

  ‘Oh, when you’re a genius like me you get used to it,’ I said. Then I added breezily, ‘Who wants to be normal anyway?’

  He looked at me. ‘Well, it’s my belief there’s no such thing as a normal person. I’ve certainly never met one. We’re all unusual and different in some way, thank goodness.’

  ‘Last night, Doc, I got really mad and let out a howl Count Dracula would have envied. Is that why I crossed over?’

  ‘Let’s say the wall you’d put up around yourself came crashing down last night and woke you up,’ he said. ‘You suddenly realized you had all this untapped power and strength. Now magic really does run in your blood. Welcome to the world of half-vampires.’

  We solemnly shook hands.

  ‘There are some little problems with being a half-vampire,’ he said, ‘but take my advice and never look on it as a burden. Instead, befriend that part of yourself and you will see you have also been given a great gift.’

  Wednesday 24 October

  11.50 a.m.

  Mum is getting rid of all Karl’s clothes and belongings. I ask if I can keep his magnificent cape. ‘You want another one?’ cries Mum.

  ‘Yeah, I’ve always wanted to be a two-cape half-vampire.’

  Mum smiles. ‘Oh, why not?’

  But I’m not intending to keep it for myself.

  3.00 p.m.

  My nan has rung up from France. ‘I always knew you had it in you.’

  ‘You were the only one then,’ I replied.

  Cousin Karl (the real one) has also called and said we must get together properly soon. And he congratulated me on a big moment in my life.

  I suddenly thought again of Tallulah. I owed her so much. And yet she wouldn’t remember one second of how she’d saved me from Karl.

  Friday 26 October

  2.50 a.m.

  I was woken up by Dad waving a torch in my face. ‘Yes, yes,’ he said excitedly to my mum. ‘There it is.’

  ‘Don’t mind me,’ I said. ‘Just relax and enjoy yourselves.’

  ‘Sorry, dear, but we just wanted to keep your fang safe,’ said Mum.

  It had fallen out of my mouth and was now nestling on my pillow. Dad picked it up as if it were a piece of gold. Then Mum put it carefully into a little gold box. It had my name on the outside and the date. Next they both produced gold boxes containing their yellow fangs. Actually, once you’ve seen one yellow fang you’ve seen them all. But still, it was good to be part of the fang gang.

  And I’m not messing about. It really was. I mean, when I first heard about this half- vampire lark, it was the grisliest news I’d ever had. I was seriously creeped out. But now I’ve had the chance to get used to it, I … I’m going to try and make the best of it all.

  Anyway, then Dad handed me an envelope. ‘Hey, I haven’t got another name, have I?’

  ‘Look inside,’ said Dad.

  Inside was fifty pounds.

  ‘Hey, that’s better than being called Ved,’ I said. ‘By the way, can I just say that I still hate that name, and I’d much rather be called Marcus.’

  But my parents looked away and carried on speaking as though I hadn’t said a word. That’s one of their little tricks. When I say something they don’t like, they just ignore me. So I suppose, disappointingly, some things haven’t changed at all.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Wednesday 31 October, Halloween

  10.15 p.m.

  For the first time in several centuries I’m allowed out of the house. I’m back at school tomorrow, and tonight I was at the Monsters in School meeting, to have another go at telling my gory tale.

  We all arrived in our masks, of course. I’d borrowed Joel’s vampire one again. But Tallulah was in a dead funny mood, especially at the start of the meeting when Joel asked, ‘After this, will we be able to go off and do trick or treat?’

  Tallulah jumped to her feet and cried, ‘Trick or treat? That’s for four-year-olds who like dressing up as pumpkins to get chocolate buttons.’

  ‘And me,’ said Joel bravely.

  ‘Joel, I’d rather have someone stick pins in my eyes in the most agonizing way possible than go out and play trick or treat. But you go if you want.’

  ‘No, I’ll just sit here and die quietly,’ said Joel.

  ‘Much better,’ she snapped.

  Next came the big moment, only this time I’d really worked on my story (with a great deal of help from Joel) and I stormed it – I think.

  Everyone liked it, apart from Tallulah. I mean, she didn’t say anything bad about it, but she didn’t say she liked it either. I even wondered if she’d really listened to it as she was so vague about the whole thing. She did ask if I would stay behind at the end.

  ‘You’re in,’ said Joel confidently.

  But I wasn’t so sure.

  After everyone else had gone Tallulah said to me, ‘Well, you have passed your audition and are now a member of Monsters in School.’

  But she didn’t say it very excitedly. Indeed, I still felt her mind was elsewhere. So I acted enthusiastically enough for both of us.

  ‘Well, that’s great news … in fact, the greatest news I’ve had for a long time. Thank you.’ Then I added, ‘By the way, I brought you a little gift. I didn’t want to offer it to you before in case you thought it was a bribe.’ Then I dug in my bag and brought out a cape. The cape Karl had left behind.

  ‘For me?’ she said, astonished.

  ‘Yeah, I wanted to thank you for finding me that night in the woods’ (she at least still remembered that) ‘and getting help, because if you hadn’t, well, I might have been kidnapped by robins or mugged by a sparrow. So, thanks.’

  ‘This cape is brilliant,’ she said, examining it.

  ‘Well, it’s not new,’ I said. ‘It belonged to … someone I knew who doesn’t want it any more. So there you are.’

  ‘Don’t you want it yourself?’ she asked.

  ‘No, it’s yours.’

  ‘But this is incredible.’ She sat down on her chair again.

  ‘Glad you like it.’

  ‘No, it’s not just that.’ She took off her head, I mean her mask. And I thought it was only polite for me to remove my vampire mask too.

  ‘If I tell you something,’ she said, ‘you won’t laugh, will you?’

  ‘OK,’ I said.

  ‘Do you promise?’

  ‘Yeah,’ I grinned. ‘Come on, spill.’

  She still hesitated.

  ‘Look, I promise I won’t laugh. Guide’s honour.’

  A flicker of a smile crossed her face. ‘You’re such an idiot. That’s why it doesn’t make any sense.’

  ‘Just tell me.’

  Then she said quietly, ‘Every night lately I’ve had dreams about vampires … and you.’

  A little shiver ran through me. ‘Tell me more.’

  ‘Well, in one dream when I found
you in the woods, you had the mark of a vampire on your neck. And then later when I visited you at your house, I saw the mark again.’

  ‘You know what that means?’ I said.

  ‘No.’

  ‘You’re dreaming about the two things you like best in the world: vampires and me.’

  She immediately shook her head. ‘I knew you’d be silly.’

  ‘Sorry.’

  ‘And then last night …’

  ‘You had another dream?’ I prompted.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘So what happened this time?’

  Tallulah frowned. ‘There was a mad vampire in your house. It was going to attack you – and you stopped it by letting out this incredibly scary howl. I ask you, how likely is that? I’ve heard you howl. And even when you try it’s not good. In fact, it’s pathetic.’

  I agreed and then – well, I just couldn’t resist it and I let out a howl that was at least as eerie as the one the night I attacked Karl.

  Tallulah just gaped and gaped at me. She was numb with shock. Finally she stuttered, ‘You’ve been practising.’

  ‘And do you detect any improvement?’

  ‘That was, without doubt, the best howl I have ever heard. And from you of all people.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘It’s just like the one in my dream too. How weird is that?’

  ‘Very,’ I agreed.

  A smile slowly crossed her face: a big, really happy smile. ‘Every day my life is just so dull and normal I have to force it to be even a little bit interesting by thinking about monsters. But somehow I just know it’s about to be very very interesting all by itself.’ Then Tallulah stretched out her hand. ‘I’m really pleased you’re in Monsters in School.’

  ‘So am I,’ I cried, shaking her hand. ‘And keep dreaming about me, won’t you?’

  11.50 p.m.

  I don’t suppose you’ve ever been for a night-time flit, have you? Well, I hadn’t until tonight.

  Let me show off a bit and tell you what happens. First of all, you open a downstairs window. Then you start walking about in the kitchen or somewhere else downstairs on tiptoe. Yes, you feel a bit stupid (and probably look even more stupid) but all at once you find you’re not touching the ground at all. No, you’re floating in the air. Then you relax and before you know it, you’ve whooshed up into the air and have changed shape into a bat.