—Sam
39
I didn’t cry until I woke up alone, even though I’d expected it. I ran downstairs and out the front door, but the Range Rover was already gone. I knew that just leaving instead of saying goodbye was easier for both of us. Still, I would have loved to hug him once more. To smell his skin and kiss his mouth. To mark in my head that it was the last time.
“Hey kid,” Ellen said, when I came back into the house. “Everything all right?”
“Yeah, fine. I just… thought I’d get to see him before he left.”
“That one’s never been good at goodbye.”
“It’s probably for the best.”
“Come. Let’s get you fed. I’ll make whatever you want.”
I didn’t feel like eating, but complied. I asked for a grilled cheese. It was the most comforting thing I could think of stomaching.
“Why did you ask Charlotte to come to dinner the night Betty invited Babs and Robert over?”
Ellen grinned. “That girl still has a slippery tongue. Can’t keep a secret to save her life.”
“It was Wes who told me. Was it supposed to be a secret?”
“I only asked Charlotte not to say anything to you because I didn’t want my meddling to upset you before we got to know each other. I thought that making friends after moving to a new place would be easier if the friend came to you.”
“Well, thank you, because I likely wouldn’t have made any friends if I hadn’t met her and Wes.”
“It’s never the same here after you kids leave for school. The adults can be pretty boring.”
I smiled. “Ah, they’re not so bad—the ones at this house, anyway.”
“I’m not great at goodbye, either. I’ll miss you. Eat your grilled cheese before it gets cold.”
“I’ll miss you, too,” I said as she was walking away.
After I ate, I did my best to keep busy. I went downstairs and finished going through my mother’s things. Looking at old photos was the hardest. We’d stopped taking family pictures after she got sick. It was as if we no longer existed after her diagnosis, which was partly true. It was as Betty said, my mother had disappeared years before she died. I picked out a few trinkets to take with me to school, repacked the boxes, turned off the light, and left knowing it would be a long time before I would need to revisit that room.
I spent the rest of the afternoon floating in the pool. Eyes closed, I relaxed and let moments from my time with Wes run through my mind. Viewing it as if it were a movie I was seeing for the first time. Clips of him smiling at me flashed while I could almost feel him holding my hand. Sadness sneaked in, and then I got mad. Schizophrenia had stolen so much from me. It wasn’t fair of that shitty illness to keep taking from me. To keep hurting me. When would it be enough? When it had taken me too? The odds were low, but knowing the evil it was capable of, I wondered if I should prepare myself for the worst. Keep my head down. Not fall in love again. Not get married. Not have children. Not involve anyone should I plunge down the rabbit hole.
Just be alone, because that’s how I would wind up anyway.
I’d never thought so much about becoming schizophrenic before and needed a break from it, so I was glad when Dad and Betty returned earlier than expected from Houston. I cleaned up and joined them for dinner, where they gave me a cell phone. Betty showed me the basics of how it worked. Then Dad offered to give me our old car to take to Stearns, but I wasn’t ready for the responsibility of driving, so Betty suggested I get a bicycle to get around campus faster. I only imagined myself leaving campus on holidays and thought I might be able to catch a ride with Charlotte and Austin. But knew Dad and Betty would come get me at any time.
Later, I went to my room and lay on the side of the bed where Wes had slept the night before and hugged the pillow against me, hoping that he would change his mind about going to Stearns. About being with me, even though he was possibly right.
Fuck you, thirteen percent.
Fuck you hard.
40
I got up early, before the sun began to rise, and knew that I needed to have a different attitude. Every day granted a fresh start according to Dr. Ming, and I would make it so, because the alternative was to be miserable while waiting for something that may never happen. Closing myself off and allowing it more power over me was the last thing I wanted to give that thief of an illness.
The first thing I wanted to do was to free my mother from the urn she was trapped in. I grabbed my phone and the urn, and walked barefoot to the park Wes had taken me to. To the tree where we’d laid and listened to music; where he’d held me until I’d fallen asleep. I’d felt more at peace there than anywhere else on the island and thought it would be the best place to release her.
I lay down and placed a hand on the urn and talked to my mother as I watched the golden orb rise above me while sharing my favorite memories of her, and my hope that she was able to look down on Dad and me and be proud of us. I shared my future plans and my belief that she would be happy where I was leaving her.
When the sun peeked through the trees, I turned on some music and stood. I opened the urn and spun in a circle with a smile on my face as my mother’s ashes sailed out. The best part about freeing her back into the air was that I felt she’d be everywhere and I could feel, and talk to her from wherever I was.
I took my time going back home and as I was walking, Austin and Charlotte passed by in his car, then backed up. Charlotte stuck her head out the window and said, “You got a genie in that bottle?”
I laughed. “It’s empty as far as I know. What are you doing up so early?”
“We’re going to sort out our living situation. Austin wants me to move into his apartment, but I think I should stay in mine because he’ll be too distracting.”
“She thinks we should date like normal people,” Austin said. “But we’re not normal—far from it. She’ll be living with me by October.”
“And flunking out by November,” Charlotte added. “At least Wes will appreciate me not being in the apartment all the time.”
I didn’t want to tell her that he was the one who wouldn’t be there, and wondered if she would hate me after finding out he’d gone back to Bradford.
“See ya, Samantha darling,” Austin said as he began to drive off.
Charlotte yelled, “Get my number from Ellen. Call me when you get to campus.”
At the house, Dad and Betty had finished coffee and were chatting about how to spend the rest of the day when I came in and sat the empty urn on the kitchen island. “I spread her ashes in the park.”
“She would have liked that,” Dad said.
I smiled slightly. “I thought so too. I’m going up to pack. I’d like to check into my dorm tomorrow.”
“It’s the first check-in day. It’ll be very crowded,” Betty said.
“I feel ready to go, and if I’m going to attend a school with such a large population, I should take the week they allow us to be there before classes start to get acclimated and learn my way around.”
I felt lighter and more hopeful about the future than I ever had. Wes had been right; I found peace by doing what felt right for me in regard to my mother. Memorializing her was personal to me and didn’t have to be an event. Didn’t have to include anyone but me and her.
After I finished packing, I sat down and wrote Dr. Ming a letter, thanking her for trying to help me, and to let her know that I’d found peace and normalcy in everyday things. That my resistance to therapy hadn’t been about her, and that as vexing as I imagined her profession to be, that I was considering entering into it. As much as it sucked, mental illness would always be a part of my life. Who better to deal with stubborn smartasses than me? I asked, envisioning her nodding in agreement.
I placed the letter in an envelope, pulled out my phone, and lay on the bed. Although I didn’t want to join social media sites, I missed Wes’s face, and since he’d said you can find anything you want to on the internet, I searched for
him. I scrolled through the results and found a couple of accounts with his picture, but because they were private, I couldn’t see anything more than that. So I tossed the phone in frustration, snuggled with the pillow he’d slept on, and fell asleep.
41
D uring the ride to Stearns, Betty gave me some tips about navigating campus, and told me about the sorority she’d belonged to, just in case I decided to rush. At earlier points in my life, I would have given a definitive and instant “no,” but now, who knew? Joining a sorority could be fun.
The movers had brought all of my stuff from our old house, which I’d once hoped to have back, but I decided to start fresh with new things and asked Dad to stop at a home décor store for new bedding on the way to school. Betty was giddy and filled a separate cart with college must-haves, including, string lights, a fuzzy rug, abstract art to induce creativity, and a Polaroid camera with extra film. I wasn’t sure who she thought I’d be taking pictures of, but she was excited, so whatever.
I’d seen photos of Stearns, but had no idea how grand it was. It had an Ivy League look that made me a little nervous. I checked in and Dad and Betty walked me to my dorm room which was underwhelming to say the least. The room was stark white, held two basic twin beds, and two built-in desks. I was glad Betty had bought things to make it homier.
Once the decorating was done Dad and Betty hugged me and gave assurances that I would do well before reluctantly leaving me alone.
My roommate, Shawna, showed up a few days later. She reminded me of Claire, so I hid my ink pens and ponytail holders just in case. She was very social, just not with me, which was fine. I was busy obsessing over Wes and whether he would appear while thoroughly exploring campus. It had taken the whole week before classes began for me to learn my way around. While doing so, I applied for a part-time job in the library, found all of my classrooms, and picked up my syllabi’s and books.
I checked in with Dad and Betty using video call several times. I’d been lucky enough to catch Ellen waving in the background once. I wasn’t homesick, but I did miss the place. Especially Ellen’s cooking. The cafeteria food wasn’t terrible, but it didn’t exactly incite cravings either.
As time passed, I slowly began to let go of hope that Wes would come for me. That I’d ever see him again, and before I knew it, I had almost a month of classes under my belt and was holding my own, earning top grades.
Although the library jobs had gone to upperclassman, it was still where I spent most afternoons. Usually, by the time I got back to our room Shawna was getting ready to go out, which was nice. I liked having the place to myself.
When there was a knock at the door, it was always for Shawna, so I never bothered answering. This night was no different, except that when Shawna swung open the door she said, “Well, hello. Who are you?”
I was leaned against my headboard reading but dropped my book when I heard his voice. “I’m looking for Samantha darling. Is she here?”
Shawna stepped back, opening the door completely so the boy in the hall and I could see one another. I smiled so widely that I was almost laughing.
“You hop around more than Peter fucking Rabbit, Sam darling. I’ve been to three places looking for you tonight.”
I stood and wanted to hug him but wasn’t sure it would be appropriate, so I introduced him to my dumbfounded roommate instead. “Shawna, this is Austin Swalgler. Austin, this is Shawna Barnes, my roommate.”
“Nice to meet you,” Austin said, barely giving her a glance. He didn’t flirt or say anything inappropriate, which made me think something was wrong.
“What happened?” I asked, wondering if Charlotte had sent him to hunt me down because Wes hadn’t come to Stearns, and he’d told her why.
“Can we have a minute?” Austin asked Shawna.
“Sure. I was on my way out anyway.” Shawna gave me a look that said she was both surprised and impressed that a boy like Austin had come to visit me before strutting into the hallway.
Austin closed the door behind Shawna, and we sat on my bed. “I could use some reassurance,” he said. “Harlot is being stubborn about moving in. I expected a little push back, but she’s flat-out refusing to stay at my place during the week. I know she doesn’t want to breakup. She’d tell me if she didn’t want to be with me anymore. Still, I feel insecure, which is new for me. I don’t like needing someone more than they need me. It sucks. I can’t eat.” His eyes widened. “I haven’t had a drink in almost two weeks. You’d think my head would be clearer because of that, but it’s not. I feel more fucked up than ever.”
“It’s just September,” I said, relieved that he hadn’t come to punish me. “You thought it would take until October for her to move in.”
“October will be here next week. I’m not sure she’s going to.”
“Even if she doesn’t, you still get to be with her. I’ve never seen two people so crazy for one another.”
“I know,” he sighed. “I just want what I want right now. I’m not used to having to wait. It’s torture.”
I smiled. “You’re going to have to figure out how to be patient. You two are a lot alike. So much so that I bet if you don’t mention her moving in, she’ll bring it up. Or just do it. You know her, she may show up with her bags if you drop the subject.”
Austin let what I said soak in, then said, “I think you’re on to something, Samantha darling. It needs to be her idea.” His complexion brightened. “I’m sure you don’t have any vodka, do you?”
“No. Sorry.”
“Good thing. I’d likely never find my way back home after my dry spell. You should call Charlotte. She misses you.”
“I miss her too.”
“She thinks you’re avoiding her because of Wes.”
“Why because of Wes?”
“Because he lives with her.”
“Oh.” I felt my breath leave me.
“She said you knew he’d be here.”
“I did,” I said. “How’s he doing?”
“What happened between you two? Charlotte’s convinced that something is awry, but our boy is being tight-lipped.”
I shrugged, unsure what to say.
“You should go see him.”
“You had no trouble finding me. If Wes wanted to see me, he’d be here.”
“Stubbornness is a Cohen-twin superpower.” Austin stood up. “Thanks for the talk. I’ll bring vodka next time. I have a feeling we may need a shot or ten before the semester is over.”
I certainly hadn’t forgotten my feelings for Wes, but had managed to push him to the back of my mind. Still, I’d looked for him in every place I’d been on campus, and since I hadn’t seen him, convinced myself that he had gone back to Bradford.
Austin picked up a pen from my desk, wrote Charlotte’s number on a sticky note, and said, “Call her,” before closing the door behind him.
42
I knew it might open the door to a world of hurt for me, but a week later, I called Charlotte. She was thrilled and invited me to grab coffee with her during a break between classes. We met at a café on campus. The air was beginning to chill, and she was dressed casually, in a flannel shirt and leggings. I’d ditched my yoga pants for skinny jeans, which were more comfortable than I’d expected.
“Denim?” Charlotte said, blinking her wide eyes, like she’d never seen me in denim before.
I smiled. “Flannel?”
“College is casual, and I love fall. The clothes are comfy and my tan hasn’t faded yet. Winter is gross, though. Everyone is so pale and everything is so white.” She paused and smiled. “It’s good to see you.”
“You too.” I sat down across from her and smiled back.
“So, tell me everything. How do you like it here? Is your roommate a slut? Are you passing your classes? Why did you wait so long to call?”
“I love it. I’m not sure. Yes. You know why.”
“Good. She probably is. Great. That’s what I thought,” she complained. “What about boys?
Have you met any?”
I shook my head no. “Have you moved in with Austin yet?”
She laughed. “The shit is playing mind games. He’s harped about me moving in since we got here, but last week, he dropped the subject—hasn’t mentioned it once, and it’s making me nuts. If I move in now, it’ll seem like it was my idea. Very smart on his part.”
I chuckled. He hadn’t told her he’d come to see me. Also, very smart.
“I thought he might get bored with me if I was around all the time, but he legitimately misses me when I’m not there. Like, he loses his shit a little. He’s changed a lot. He seems to not notice other girls anymore. It’s weird, but also comforting. I don’t think he’s going to dump me anytime soon.”
“I doubt he’ll ever dump you.”
“We’ll see after he lives with me for a while,” she joked. “Anyway, tomorrow night we’re eating pizza and watching horror movies at my apartment. You should come over.”
“I… don’t know…”
Charlotte smirked. “Surely you and Wes can be in the same space for a few hours without the world ending.”
“Maybe.”
“What the hell happened? He won’t tell me.”
“We just didn’t work out.”
“We!” she gasped. “There was a we?”
“Ugh. No. Let’s talk about something else.”
Charlotte sighed. “Wish I could, but I’ve got to get to my next class.” She stood and picked up her backpack. “I’ll text you my address.”
“Will you tell Wes that you invited me?”
She made a face and said, “He doesn’t tell me anything.”
“That’s different. I won’t come unless you promise to tell him.”
“Fine.” She rolled her eyes. “I’ll tell him. See you around seven.”
43
U nsure how I would react to seeing Wes, I was so nervous when I rang the doorbell that I was nauseated. Chewing on a mouthful of popcorn, Charlotte waved me inside. I was surprised to see that she and Austin were the only ones there. Because Wes wasn’t present, I imagined that she’d kept her promise and that he’d decided not to see me.
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