Charlotte curled up in Austin’s arms in the corner of the living room sectional and told me there was pizza and drinks on the bar. Since there was only one box, I figured they weren’t expecting anyone else.
“I thought there would be more people here. I feel like I’m intruding,” I said.
Charlotte laughed. “In order to keep this place, and remain enrolled here, I have to maintain a B average. I’m a very different girl at school. No partying until breaks.”
“Me too. By default,” Austin joked, then took the TV off of pause. The sound enveloped the room, startling me. I knocked over my drink and it spilled onto my shirt. I gasped at the coldness against my skin and asked Charlotte for directions to the bathroom.
She laughed at me. “Down the hall. First door on the right.”
Austin started to say something, but Charlotte elbowed him. I shook my head and followed her directions, but the door didn’t lead to the bathroom.
“Sam?” Wes looked like he’d seen a ghost as he scrambled off of his bed, leaving a girl sitting on the edge.
“Sorry, I was looking for the bathroom.”
Wes stepped into the hall and closed the door behind him. “What are you doing here?”
I looked into his eyes and my heart broke all over again. “Charlotte promised to tell you she invited me over. I guess she didn’t.”
“It may be the only time in her life that she’s kept anything secret. At least I know she’s capable of it.”
“I’ll um… I’ll let you get back to your friend,” I said, my gut swirling.
“Sam.” He said my name and my heart stopped. “She’s tutoring me. That’s all. Stearns is more demanding than Bradford.”
“It’s none of my business.”
“It’s good to see you,” he said.
Seeing him made everything, especially the hurt, fresh again.
Wes’s bedroom door opened and his supposed tutor frowned. “We need to finish studying for your quiz,” she said, looking directly at Wes.
“It can wait a few minutes.”
“But I can’t. I have other places to be.”
“Then go to one of those places.”
“I’ll leave. You should study.” I went to the living room and Charlotte was smiling like an idiot. She picked up the remote and paused the TV.
“Did you find the bathroom?” she asked.
“You know that I didn’t.”
Wes’s tutor bumped me with her backpack as she pushed past me toward the door.
“You’ve pissed off the hopeful, I see,” Charlotte noted as the girl exited. “Good work, Sam darling.”
“There’s been no hope for the hopeful since we got here,” Austin added. “I think Wes has turned monk.”
I curved to look at Wes, my eyes asking if that was true.
“No one since you,” he whispered, so only I would hear him.
Relief rolled through me. After finding out that he’d come to Stearns, I’d imagined he’d been screwing the entire female student body. “Did you get my note?” If he hadn’t been with anyone else, I wondered if that was why he hadn’t contacted me.
He nodded. “I got it.”
“You haven’t changed your mind,” I said, feeling the nausea return to my gut.
“Fear is a great deterrent.”
“Yes, but I overcome my fear every day. I don’t know why you let yours consume you.”
“What’s going on? Why are you whispering?” Charlotte asked us.
“I have to go,” I told her.
“You just got here.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t stay.”
Austin’s face distorted and a wicked smile grew wider as he stood up from his seat. “Holy shit! I know why Wes is a monk. I don’t know how I didn’t see it before.”
“Shut up, Austin,” Wes snapped.
“No, Austin, share!” Charlotte demanded.
“He’s in love with Sam.”
Charlotte’s mouth hit the floor. “In love? As in, you have the most feelings possible for her?”
Wes looked at me and answered, “Yes.”
“How the hell did I not know? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Your brother is a better secret keeper than you,” Austin said, still smiling.
“I knew Sam had feelings for Wes, but I didn’t think Wes had feelings at all.” Charlotte said, standing now. “He’s never loved anything, not even the dog we had as kids. I’m not sure he loves me and I’m almost an exact replica of him.” Her eyes cut between the two of us. “Why are you not together?”
“You’ll have to ask Wes.” I put on my jacket and picked up my bag.
“It’s complicated,” Wes told her.
“What’s complicated? You love her. She loves you.”
“Sam—wait,” he called, when I started for the door.
“For what? You to explain once more why we can’t be together. I already told you I understand.” I shook my head. “We should just move on.”
“I don’t want to move on. I don’t want anyone else.”
“Then where have you been for the last month and a half?”
“Processing. Trying. Writing to you.”
“Writing what? I haven’t gotten anything from you. Not even a goodbye before you left.”
“It was easier to just leave and you know why.”
“I know,” I admitted quietly, then went for the door again.
“Don’t leave,” Wes said.
“You know, I’ve woken up every day since I got here wondering if you were here, too, and if that day would be the day you would find me. After learning that you had come to Stearns, my heart broke a little more. I’m doing my best to snuff out my feelings, but they’re always there, along with the truth that I’ve been refusing to see. You were never going to show up, and it’s time for me to stop expecting you to, because I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I can’t. It’s like part of me died when you left and I’m dragging around a fucking corpse. I need to put it down.” I walked out the door and descended the stairs to the bike rack.
As I was leaned down trying to work my lock, I tried to convince myself that I would feel better now. Because I knew for sure. I needed to leave Wes Cohen in my past. But like always, he was right in front of me.
I cursed the lock for not opening. For not allowing me to be riding away on my bike right now. For forcing me to endure the torture of having to be close to him. Of looking into his olive green eyes and listening to his words. Words I was certain would hurt me before they’d ever left his mouth.
“I’ve stood outside of your dorm at some point during the day for a month hoping to see you. I wanted to tell you I stayed, but something stopped me. I went back again and again, and couldn’t find the courage to talk to you, so I started writing to you. First, it was letters, then it was this…” He held a notebook that was worn from having been handled so much. “I don’t know why, but the more days I watched you, the more afraid I became of failing you. Then it hit me. I knew what stopped me that first day. I don’t want to let you down, but I don’t know that I could be as strong as your dad if you ever need me like your mom needed him.”
Seeing how conflicted he was made me want to cry. I hated that he felt he had to make such a promise. That he’d been struggling with such a thought. I touched his face to comfort him. “I would never ask that of you.”
“It’s something I felt I should be prepared to do before committing to you. I wanted to do it right. I wanted you to know that I meant it.”
“No.” I shook my head. “If I get sick, it will be years from now, and you may decide that you don’t like me before then.”
“Not gonna happen, Samantha darling. I’ve been miserable. I’ve missed you so much. I can’t stop thinking of you and me and everything we’ve shared.” He took my hand and placed it over his heart. “You’re in here, and that just doesn’t go away.” He tapped the cover of the notebook before handing it to me. “Read it, please.”
Dear Samantha,
I don’t want to watch you disappear from my life.
I wish I knew for sure that I would never have to.
I wish I was strong enough not to care.
I miss you.
I think of you constantly.
I stayed. I’m here.
There’s no one like you.
I can’t be with anyone else.
I miss you.
It doesn’t matter anymore.
My heart needs you.
I love you.
Thirteen percent of fear isn’t worth not having you in my life.
I want to be to you all the things I said I can’t.
I stayed. I’m here.
This is not The End.
I looked up at Wes nervously watching me, awaiting a response as my heart filled with the kind of joy that only he could bring to me, and said, “Does this mean you want me to be your girlfriend?”
“Yes.” He pulled me to him and softly pressed his mouth to mine. The feel of it melted me. “Will you also be patient with me, and still be my friend?” he whispered.
“Yes.” I smiled and drew back from him. “But wait—shouldn’t there be birds singing right now?”
Wes laughed, and reeled me back into his arms. “They are,” he said, before kissing me again. “They’re singing like mad.”
Author’s note
I n 2014, just before our daughter’s 15th birthday, and after almost a year of multiple hospitalizations, therapy, and doctors telling us that our child suffered only from mild depression, which we knew was not right, our girl was diagnosed with a serious mental illness (not schizophrenia), and our lives were forever altered. Mental illness is evil in that it doesn’t remain the same. It changes. Making it harder to treat. It is heartbreaking how discouraging it can be. How debilitating. It takes a toll not only on the sufferer, but their family and friends as well. Until now, I’ve not talked about this struggle, but I must say that if you feel something isn’t right, push for answers. Push hard. Be heard. Get a 2nd, 3rd, and 4th opinion if necessary. Remain strong, as it takes great strength to reveal thoughts and feeling you may think others won’t understand. Talk about what’s happening. Find support. It is out there.
Crisis Text Line is available 24/7
Crisistextline.org
Text 741741 from anywhere in the US to text with a trained Crisis Counselor
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7
SuicidePreventionLifeline.org
1-800-237-8255
Thanks so much for reading!
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Samantha darling Page 20