Never Be the Same

by M. A. Binfield

  Olivia felt herself flush at the memory of being there with Casey. They had shared a wonderful kiss, and then Casey had pulled back. Olivia had almost heard the shutters come down. She couldn’t stop thinking that it was her fault—for suspecting Casey, for not managing Billie better, for having this life that no normal person like Casey would want.

  “Hey, are you okay?” Louise’s voice brought her back into the here and now.

  “Yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about Casey.” She had told Louise about the kisses, about what might well turn out to be their last conversation. “Is it crazy to feel this way after knowing someone for such a short time?”

  “I don’t think so. Love is weird. Sometimes you fall for a complete stranger and sometimes for one of your best friends. Who decides what’s crazy and what’s sane? I mean, I’d have told you that there was no way in a trillion years that little fitness fanatic and I would—”

  Olivia let her thoughts drift away from what Louise was saying. She was running out of time. Casey had managed to avoid her for three whole days. Tonight was Thursday, and on Sunday morning they left for Paris. If Olivia didn’t do something, she’d never know whether or not these feelings she had were enough to create something that was more than just a few holiday kisses. She’d never forgive herself.

  * * *

  “Hey, babe.” It was Gina.

  “Hey. You just caught me. I was on my way out the door.”

  “Without your phone?”

  “Sauna.”

  “I think I’d still take my phone. I’m not good at the whole switching off and sweating thing. Well, apart from the obvious.” She laughed. “Do you have five minutes for me?”

  “I do, of course.” Casey sat back down on her bed.

  “How’s things? Feeling any better?”

  Casey had told her all about Olivia—being kissed, accused, and kissed again—and Gina had been surprisingly gentle. No anger, no entreaties about getting laid. She just listened as Casey got it all off her chest—and made the odd comment about how hot Olivia was. And now she was calling again. Casey must have sounded more out of sorts than she’d realized when she laid out the whole sorry story.

  “I’m good, I think. I’m staying busy.”

  “Busy is good.”

  “Yeah, and thanks for letting me have another week. I’m nearly there with my mom’s stuff. We had a good meeting with her landlords yesterday and they seemed sympathetic. It’s just that, although she’s doing well, I feel like I should stick around a little longer till it gets properly sorted.”

  “Hey, no problem. I was calling to tell you I’ve figured out a way for you to work remotely. It means I can justify paying you when your vacation ends. And that means you won’t have to resort to releasing any more of those compromising photos of Olivia.”

  “Real funny, Gina, thanks.”

  Gina was Gina. She couldn’t take things seriously for long.

  “How’s she doing? I’ve been keeping an eye out for pictures of her looking haggard and heartbroken because of you, but nothing yet. Though I did see some stunning photos of her in a tight red dress in a glossy magazine, looking a whole lot like someone you wouldn’t be able to cope with.”

  “Oh, I didn’t realize it was out already.” Casey made a mental note to look for the magazine, even as she told herself it wasn’t anything she should care about. “I was there that day. She looked awesome. And for the record and only because you’re making me say it, I could cope.”

  Gina laughed. “Atta girl.”

  “We haven’t seen much of each other, but when I have seen her, she’s been looking as beautiful as ever. So maybe she’s not suffering at all. I’ve been mostly driving Louise and Liam. I think it’s deliberate. She probably asked for things to be scheduled that way to make it less awkward.”

  It was what Casey needed and she should be thankful, but she wasn’t. Not at all. She missed Olivia. More than she should.

  “I don’t know why you just didn’t go there. I mean, I do, because you’re you and you were stupid enough to catch feelings, but a holiday romance with Olivia Lang is a pretty amazing memory to come back to Portland with.”

  Casey had asked herself the same question. She and Olivia could have had a good time, made some nice memories, and said good-bye.

  “She deserves more than that. I deserve more than that. I’m not you, Gina. Opening my heart up to Olivia would mean getting hurt when she walks out of my life in just the way we both know she’s going to. Our lives are just too different. It’s hard, but maybe it wasn’t meant to be. What can I do?”

  “Eat too much. Drink too much. Watch romcoms and cry. On the very rare occasions that I let myself fall for someone, and obviously that’s usually someone unsuitable, that’s where I end up.”

  “Well, I decided to sweat rather than eat. The gym, the sauna, running along the river. I occasionally let myself stop to stare moodily at the water. I’m a different kind of cliché.”

  “But it sounds like you’re still suffering.”

  “Maybe a little.”

  “Okay, go and sweat some more. I love you. I wish you weren’t quite so stubborn and risk averse, but I love you.”

  “Thanks…I think. I love you too.”

  Casey plugged her phone back into the charger and headed to the sauna. It was a little after four, and even with Gina’s interruption she was hopeful that she’d have the place to herself.

  * * *

  Olivia had only managed to visit the sauna three times over the entire trip, so it was kind of ridiculous to have a favorite spot. But as she entered the room, she could see through the steam, a figure stretched out on the bench she’d been hoping to occupy. There was no one else in the sauna and there were plenty of other benches for her to choose from, but somehow she still felt disappointed.

  As she settled herself on one of the other benches and her eyes adjusted to the steam, Olivia realized that the person occupying “her spot” was Casey—stretched out in her shorts and bra, with a towel laid out beneath her. Olivia felt a mixture of anxiety and hope. She hadn’t mustered the courage to reach out to her, yet here she was, in the sauna where Olivia would no doubt have spent some of her time thinking about how much she was missing her.

  “I hope you’re just resting your eyes. I told you before that sleeping in the sauna is dangerous.”

  Casey slowly turned her head in Olivia’s direction. A beat passed with them just looking at each other.

  “I didn’t know it was you. I was closing my eyes in the hope of avoiding having to make small talk. Yesterday I got stuck with a very talkative woman from one of the Dakotas. It wasn’t good.”

  Olivia wasn’t sure if Casey was telling her that she had no interest in talking to her, or if she was just being Casey.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to disturb your peace. I was hoping for a bit of quiet time myself.” Olivia settled herself back onto the bench, leaning against the wall, not yet ready to lie down. Knowing that Casey being so close had already made relaxation impossible.

  “I didn’t mean you. I just meant I didn’t want to talk to random strangers.” Casey pushed herself up onto one elbow on the bench. It meant that Olivia had a very good view of the length of her body, the muscles coated in a film of sweat, curves where she wanted curves to be. She couldn’t help but swallow. Casey in her sauna outfit looked even better than she remembered.

  “I’m not sure if I qualify as a random stranger or not. I mean, we haven’t exactly seen much of each other lately.”

  Casey bit her lip, obviously deciding whether to say something.

  “It’s true. I’ve seen a lot more of the lovebirds than you. I get the feeling that they got over their poker night awkwardness. They seem pretty cozy.”

  Olivia didn’t want to be reminded of poker night. She swallowed down the embarrassment.r />
  “I’ve hardly seen them. I’ve been in the studio with Billie most of the last two days, and last night I stayed in learning lines while they went to see a movie.” Olivia felt Casey’s eyes on her. The same intensity, but also the same feeling that she was holding herself back.

  “And was it worth it? Did you remember your lines today?”

  “Today wasn’t hard. I said about three sentences. We shot a scene in a car—a car that had been cut in half so that the cameramen could get multiple close ups of me straddling Billie while she put her hands and mouth all over me. I don’t normally care because it’s acting. But this time—with Billie—after everything I know she’s done and gotten away with—” She stopped herself. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. But I had an urge to scream and run away. And then when I got back here, I had this real need to steam it all away.”

  “So it was Billie?”

  “Seems so. She’ll deny it of course. And the studio won’t do anything. She has them wrapped around her little finger. They sent a threatening letter to the website for me. And there’s been no more photos, so maybe she’s had enough fun.”

  “I’m sure Billie would say it’s because I haven’t been around you to take any—”

  “Don’t, Casey.” Olivia interrupted. “Please don’t.” She didn’t want to be reminded of it. She felt ashamed for doubting Casey. “No one thinks that.”

  It wasn’t exactly true. Billie had almost persuaded the studio to ask for a replacement driver. Olivia had been forced to step in and demand that Casey be allowed to stay.

  “How’s your mom?” Olivia wanted to change the subject.

  “She’s doing well. She keeps asking me to bring you round for dinner. She’s been baking bread—not always successfully judging by some of the photos—but I think she wanted to show you she was making good use of the bread maker.”

  Olivia wasn’t sure if there was an invitation there or if it was just conversation. She decided to play it safe.

  “So I guess that means you haven’t told her yet?”

  “That you never met Gerard Butler? Why would I burst that balloon?”

  “Funny. You know what I mean. That I’m not really your girlfriend.”

  “I was waiting to see. I had hopes of wearing you down.” Casey looked away, seeming awkward. “I’m sorry. It was a joke and not a very funny one I know. I joke when I’m nervous.”

  “I make you nervous?”

  “Well, you are Olivia Lang. And you are almost naked and sitting three yards away.”

  This time Casey held her gaze and Olivia felt like maybe she was flirting. It was so hard to tell. The last time they’d seen each other, they had kissed and Olivia had dared to hope the kisses meant as much to Casey as they had to her. But Casey had pulled back and then avoided her and Olivia didn’t know where they stood now. And her heart hurt because of it. It was something that people said, but she had never experienced. But thinking about Casey, about how good they might have been together if the circumstances were different, gave her an actual ache in her chest where her heart was.

  “Well, since that means I’m technically still your girlfriend, don’t you think you should stop avoiding me and take me out somewhere?” It took courage for Olivia to say it, but they didn’t have time to mess around. In three days’ time, she was leaving for Paris and she might never see Casey again.

  “You want to go out with me?” Casey frowned and Olivia couldn’t help but find the furrowing of her brow cute. There was too much about Casey that she found cute. Though, given the insistent throbbing between her legs, maybe cute wasn’t really the right word.

  “I do. If that’s okay. If you’re free, if you want to.” Olivia swallowed. She needed to stop talking.

  Casey sat up, swinging her long legs off the bench and shuffling a little closer. Now Olivia could see her in all her glory. The damp had caused her hair to stick to her forehead and temples in unexpected short curls. It was sexy and Olivia had to stop herself from reaching out to run her fingers through it.

  “Okay.” Casey’s expression was serious. “Where would you like to go?”

  “I honestly don’t care. It would just be great to spend some time with you.” Olivia felt her heart lift. Casey wanted to see her. It was impossible not to smile. “I’ve missed you.”

  Even in the low light of the sauna, Olivia saw Casey react. Her eyes darkened and she seemed to sit a little straighter. She couldn’t tell if she’d said the right thing or the wrong thing.

  “When could you be free tomorrow? How early?”

  Olivia was pretty sure that they only had a half day of filming left. By the time Tania got them back to the hotel and she had a long shower to scrub all trace of Billie from her skin, it would be around four.

  “Is four too early?”

  A slow smile spread across Casey’s face. It was a smile that had Olivia feeling all sorts of feelings. She couldn’t pretend this didn’t mean as much as it obviously meant to her. This thing with Casey was not casual.

  “That’s perfect. I have an early finish too and the place I’m thinking about needs us to have a bit more time.”

  “Where are we going?”

  “I’m not telling you. You’ll just have to trust me.”

  The choice of words didn’t seem deliberate, but Casey’s gaze was intense.

  “Meet me in the lobby at four.” Casey picked up her towel. “And bring a warm jacket. I’m not bringing my mom. It’s just you and me, sorry.” The steam had made her voice low and wonderfully husky. “And in case you were wondering, I’ve missed you too.” The way she looked at Olivia as she said the words left even Olivia in no doubt that she meant them to have exactly the effect they were having. Olivia felt her blood heat and it had absolutely nothing to do with the sauna.

  Olivia cleared her throat. “I’ll look forward to it.”

  Casey nodded, pulled open the door, and left. The momentary cold draft was a welcome distraction. Olivia moved her towel to where Casey had been lying, lay back on the bench, and smiled. It was the first real smile she’d managed in days. Casey was taking her out on a date. She might have suggested it, but Casey had willingly agreed.

  Olivia closed her eyes and let herself remember the taste of Casey’s lips. The memory was bumped to one side by the recollection of just how delectable Casey had looked stretched out in front of her three minutes ago. She was going to enjoy this sauna more than she had imagined.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Given how hard she was trying, Casey wondered if she would be able to pull off the look of nonchalance she was aiming for. Her body language was supposed to be saying that she could take or leave this date, that she hadn’t even noticed that Olivia was now twenty minutes late. But she was pretty sure her face was giving away all of her feelings. Her desperate desire to spend some time with Olivia, her worry that she might have had second thoughts, and her anxiety that even if she got today absolutely right, she was going to lose Olivia anyway.

  Casey had chosen an armchair with a clear view of the elevators, and her glance reflex was hard at work. Every time a door opened, she looked, and every time it wasn’t Olivia, the feeling in her chest got heavier.

  Her phone beeped and she fished it out of her pocket. It was Gina. She put it away without responding. As she looked up, the middle elevator door opened and Olivia stepped out. Casey didn’t even pretend not to look at her. She looked stunning. She was wearing a pretty floral shirt over the Capri pants she’d worn that first day, that disastrously bittersweet day of sightseeing they’d shared.

  Olivia offered up an apologetic wave and hurried in her direction. Casey took a breath, got up, and waved back. Olivia reached her in a moment.

  “I am so sorry I’m late,” Olivia said softly.

  Olivia looked to the ceiling momentarily, as if to compose herself and the
n gazed intently at Casey. Her hazel eyes showing concern.

  “They insisted on a reshoot. There was nothing I could do. And I thought I’d get ready quicker than I did. I couldn’t find anything that I wanted to wear, and,” she took in a breath, “I am so happy you waited. I had this fear that you wouldn’t.”

  Casey had the urge to reach out and touch her, to gently run her thumb along Olivia’s furrowed brow, to kiss those worried lips and tell her it was all okay. But of course she didn’t move. She was going to let herself have this time with Olivia. She’d decided that she’d never forgive herself if she let Olivia just leave, but that didn’t mean she was going to lay herself on the line.

  “At least you remembered your jacket.” Casey kept her tone light.

  In a few days, when Olivia had gone, Casey would have plenty of time to regret her timidity. But now was the time for lightening the mood, for pretending none of it mattered as much as it did, and luckily, Casey was in the advanced class as far as this was concerned.

  “There’s a cab waiting outside, if you’re ready.”

  “We’re not walking?” Olivia lifted an eyebrow.

  “It’s a bit far—even for me.”

  “You’re still not going to tell me where we’re going?”

  “I’m still not going to tell you where we’re going.”

  Olivia smiled at her and then reached out to put both hands on Casey’s arms, turning her in the direction of the exit. “Come on then. I’m impatient when it comes to surprises.”

  * * *

  As the train rumbled along the tracks, Olivia watched the open green fields of Sussex roll by. The view out the window was what she had always imagined England looked like. There were sheep dotting the fields and fluffy white clouds that contrasted beautifully with the blue sky. Olivia was beyond happy that they were leaving London. She had always wanted to go to Brighton, and Casey choosing it as a destination for their surprise “date” was a sign of something good.

  In the sauna, Olivia had almost suggested they go to the little theater they passed days before. The play was one she liked and she would have been happy to sit next to Casey in the dark, maybe have a glass of wine at the intermission. But this was better. Doing this meant they could see each other, talk to each other. She wanted them to make the most of every remaining minute they had together. And if that was at an English seaside town, with the fish and chips and hot donuts Casey had promised her were absolutely mandatory, then that was even better.