by Dina Silver
Then Kevin pressing me up against the ladies room wall and kissing my neck while Jenna went to pee.
Then there was me enjoying Kevin kissing my neck.
More dancing, little food, Kevin and I making out in all corners of the ballroom, and still more shots.
I woke up at three o’clock in the morning lying naked next to Kevin in one of our two hotel beds. My head was on fire. It was burning with such intense heat that I winced with pain when I tried to open my eyes. After a few minutes, queasiness coursed through my abdomen leaving a moist, cold sweat in its wake. I sat up slowly, praying I would be able to find the toilet without my vision, but I felt my throat retract and before I knew it, I’d filled the garbage can that Kevin had the foresight to place on the floor next to the bed.
My skin was pulsating and my body gently shook as I lowered it back onto the mattress. I couldn’t even shift my arm to reach for the covers. Kevin was sound asleep.
My dress lay two inches from the soiled garbage can, looking much more like crumpled newspaper than anything wearable.
Caddyshack was playing on the TV.
Eight weeks later…
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
I woke up on the floor of my apartment in a fetal position, and then ran to the bathroom. I’m not sure if the puking was a result of the pregnancy, the beers, or the realization that I was carrying Kevin’s child. Once I peeled myself away from the arctic base of the toilet bowl, the first thing I did was throw the white test stick in the trash along with the First Response box, the receipt, and the Wal-Mart bag. Then I returned Jenna’s call from the night before. It was just about eleven o’clock in the morning.
“What’s up Syd?”
“Just about to hit the español again, sorry I had my phone off the hook last night so I could study.” My voice was fatigued.
“No worries, I called to see if you wanted to come over and watch Days with me, the big wedding is next week.”
Jenna and I, like most of our sorority sisters, were addicted to Days of Our Lives, and had been wildly anticipating the nuptials between Jack and Jennifer.
“You know something’s bound to go wrong,” she added.
“I think Andrea is going to record it so we can all get together and watch it at night,” I told her.
“Well, it starts in ten minutes, can you get your fat butt over here or not?” she asked.
As soon as she said fat, I began to think about my condition. I knew she was joking around, but had I already begun to gain weight? Had my physique changed noticeably since the Beta formal eight weeks ago?
“Hello?” she snapped when I didn’t answer immediately.
“Sorry, I can’t be there by eleven.”
She made a disappointed tsk sound. “So, what’s the plan for later, are we going to Joe’s for fifty cent shots?”
“Sure, I have a couple hours left of Spanish though, then I have to rewrite two pages of my Social Sciences paper, and then I’m good.”
Jenna let out a huge yawn. “Oh my, I better have a Diet Coke transfusion before we hit it later. I’ll come get you around nine o’clock.”
“What about dinner?” I asked.
“It’s dollar baskets of ranch cheese fries, too, so don’t you worry.”
“Much better, see you at nine.” I said nothing to her about my news and went into full-on sweep-it-under-the rug mode.
My books were exactly as I’d left them the night before, yet everything had changed. I struggled to remember what exactly triggered the whole turn of events the previous evening. How, sitting amidst my Spanish text books on the floor of my apartment, did it occur to me that I hadn’t had my period? One minute I’m in the throws of studying for finals, and the next minute, I’m the March Hare on a covert mission in search of a pregnancy test. But, as shocking as the results were, I really had more important things on my plate right then. Finals were the following week, and there was no need to add ‘college flunkie’ and ‘knocked-up co-ed’ to my list of attributes.
Jenna arrived just before nine o’clock and greeted me with a sub sandwich from Jimmy Johns and a bag of chips. “Thought we might need a little pick me up,” she said.
“Doritos,” I grinned. “My fave.”
“Only the best for you,” she tossed the food on my kitchen table.
Jenna was decked out in black satin shorts and a white tank top with an unbuttoned black vest over it. She also had on three-inch black strappy sandals, and an oversized black patented tote bag.
“Who are you hoping to run into?” I wondered.
“No one special, just want to go out with a bang on one of our last night’s around here.”
“Did you hear back from Scott Makin?”
“Maybe,” she smiled. Scott had called her after she stalked and berated him in Indianapolis at the Beta formal, and he was apparently attracted to psychotic behavior because he asked her out again.
“Okay, shorty shorts,” I grabbed a handful of Doritos and cracked open a Diet Coke. “Excuse me while I do my best to find an outfit that won’t divert attention from yours…shouldn’t be too hard.”
I went to my closet and decided on a green and white striped cotton sundress and flip-flops. With my hair in a ponytail, Jenna and I would make a nice good girl/bad girl combo. I slipped on a pair of lace-less white Keds and went to the bathroom to grab a rubber band for my hair. When I walked in, Jenna was standing at the sink holding the First Response box.
“What is this?” Her face was pale.
“Why are you going through my garbage?”
“Answer my question first,” she responded quickly. “Syd, are you pregnant?”
She was staring at me in disbelief, waiting for an answer, and I felt like I was going to be sick. “I think I am,” I admitted.
“You think you are? What did the test say?”
“It said that I am.”
She put the box down on the sink, and sat on the edge of the tub. “When did you find out?”
There was a short pause. “Yesterday.”
“Oh my God, why didn’t you tell me?” She threw her arms up. “When were you going to say something?”
“I don’t know,” I grabbed the box and tossed it back in the garbage.
“Is it Ethan’s?” she asked skeptically, but she knew I hadn’t been with him for months.
“It’s Kevin’s.”
She ran her hands threw her long dark hair, and then placed them over her mouth. “Oh, my God,” she said slowly.
“Tell me about it.”
“Sydney, come here,” she stood up, grabbed my arm and led me out of the bathroom and onto the couch. “Are you okay? Why are you acting so calm about this? How could you not have told me?”
All I really wanted to do was get to Joe’s, start drinking and get my mind on anything else but the image of those stupid pink lines staring back at me from that shoddy pregnancy test. “I don’t know, Jen, I’m stressed out about finals, and I just don’t feel like obsessing about it.”
“You’re in major denial,” she was much more panicked than I was. “I will go with you to Planned Parenthood first thing in the morning, and we’ll see what you need to do, okay?”
“Fine,” I said, hoping she would just shut-up about it and move on.
“When did you miss your period?”
“I don’t know, it’s been a few weeks.”
“Like how many?” she shook her head.
“Like seven or eight, I think.”
“Eight weeks!” she was now shouting. “You realize you don’t have much time…”
“Jenna, please, stop!” I interrupted her panic attack. “I don’t want to talk about it right now, I don’t even want to think about it. So could we please get on with our night as planned?”
She smiled at me like I was pathetic and clueless. I knew she was trying to help, and that I could count on her for anything, but all I wanted at that moment was to be free of concern.
“I’m not going to debate
the issue, Syd, but are you sure? This is major.”
“I’m sure.”
She rolled her eyes, got off the couch and grabbed her bag. “Okay then, let’s hit it.”
“Thank you.”
“Just promise me that when you’re ready, you will come to me, and not try to handle this on your own,” she demanded.
“I promise.”
We arrived at Joe’s, which was predictably overcrowded due to kids finishing finals and wrapping up the school year. Jenna spotted two girls from her film studies class, and they let us share their booth.
“Why don’t I get us some drinks,” I offered before sitting down.
“Great, whatever shots you want, and I’ll have a Bud Light too,” she said.
“Anyone else?” I ask the table.
“We’re good,” Jenna’s classmate said without looking up.
I squeezed my way to the bar, through rock concert-like conditions, and waved down my buddy Jeff who’d bartended there for years, and had been through almost six fake I.D.s with me. He knew just about every Senior and Junior by full name, and if you were underage, all he cared was that your I.D. card looked remotely like you, or even slightly resembled someone who could pass for a relative of yours. If you met those criteria, he was happy to take your money and serve you the drink of your choice.
“Jeff!” I yelled and waved.
He pointed at me, indicating I was on his radar. Then I watched as he filled a circular bar tray with little plastic shot cups, then took a pitcher of pink medicinal looking liquid and filled each cup, before carefully handing the tray to a waitress.
“Hey, Syd,” he said and wiped his hands on a towel tucked into his jeans. “Whatdaya need?”
“Two Bud Lights and two tequila shots,” I said loudly.
“Shots are on me.”
“Thanks, Jeff. How come they’re always on you when it’s fifty cent shot night?”
“Don’t be a smart ass, or I’ll make you drink the pink stuff.”
As I waited patiently for our drinks I heard a familiar voice from behind me. “Is this one giving you trouble, Jeffrey, my good man?”
I turned around just as Kevin finished his sentence and lifted me off my feet. “What’s up, sugar?”
“Hey, Kev,” I said and wriggled free.
“I’ll have what she’s having,” he shouted to Jeff, then looked back at me. “You here with Jenna?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Rocco’s looking for her,” he said with a smile.
Jeff handed me my drinks, and I turned to walk away.
“Where are you ladies sitting?”
“We’re, uh, over there under the television with some people from Jenna’s film group. I mean film class,” I muttered
“Okay, we’ll be over in a minute.”
“Great,” I said and headed back to our table.
I squeezed a little more aggressively back through the crowd and made my way over to our table. “Kevin and Rocco are here,” I said to Jenna. A statement that on any other day would’ve been entirely uneventful, borderline dull, even. But things had drastically changed within the course of twenty-four hours, and from then on Kevin’s name would forever be associated with a mass of nervous tension.
“Where are they? Do you want to go?” she asked, grabbing her beer and craning her neck over the wood partition.
“No, I don’t want to go, I’m fine. It’s a little awkward, but only for me, so don’t worry about it,” I told her. “And obviously, don’t say a word about anything!”
“I need my shot, I don’t know how you’re handling yourself like this, but I’m freaking out,” she whispered and downed her tequila shot.
I lifted mine off the table, but the smell made me nauseous, so I just drank my beer instead.
“They’re coming over, Rock just waived at me.”
“It’s fine,” I said.
“Hey guys!” Jenna stood and hugged them, then introduced her film friends.
After about an hour or so, her friends cleared out, and Rocco and Kevin joined us in the booth for jalapeño poppers and cheese fries with ranch dressing. The four of us sat and talked and laughed and teased each other like we had for years, except that every time I looked at Kevin, all I could see were those two pink lines. Seeing him sitting across from me in that crowded booth, so clueless and naïve, made me claustrophobic. I glanced over at Jenna, and she was hysterical over some story that Kevin was telling us about a guy named Mitch in their fraternity house who lit his farts with a match.
“I’m going to head out.” I stood abruptly and threw my purse strap across my chest.
Jenna composed herself. “You okay?”
“Yeah, it’s just that I should be studying, and this has been a long enough break.”
“Come on, Syd, I’ll drive you back,” Kevin offered.
“That’s alright, seriously, I’m fine.”
“You sure?” he looked at me sincerely, like he was genuinely concerned, which he always was.
Kevin and I had been friends for a long time, and he always did right by me. Taking me to dances, driving me home when I was too drunk to find my car, stealing bags of cereal from his fraternity house for me, and hanging out for nearly four years. We were close, and he was one of the people whom I’d met in college that I knew would always be a part of my life. Even more so than high school, college was a place where I developed life long friends, like Kendra had said I would. People that knew the real me, and people that I knew would support me in any given situation, regardless of how many years passed between conversations or visits. These were friends who’d spent the critical developmental years of young adulthood with me, and we’d cherish each other forever. Friends who’d shared proud times and unmentionable times together, and would never judge each other for anything. Take Mitch from the Beta house, for example: he’ll be the head of a fortune five hundred company one day, but he’ll never live down the fact that he sat in a room with Kevin and Rocco and lit his farts for a crowd of onlookers. And for that, they’ll never take him seriously, no matter how much he accomplishes.
“I’m sure, thanks, Kev,” I said and squeezed past Jenna to get out of the booth.
“Why don’t I join you?” she asked, and stood.
“Totally your call, I seriously have to get to bed at a decent hour, so don’t let me drag you down,” I glanced at the clock behind the bar, and it was just after midnight.
“I’ve had my share, let’s hit it,” she said and kissed the boys goodbye.
We walked the seven blocks to my apartment building, and all Jenna wanted to talk about was my maternal situation.
“How are you?”
“I’m fine.”
“I think you’re going through some crazy denial, state of shock thing,” she diagnosed. “In fact, I’m sure of it.”
“You may be right.” I was in no mood to argue.
“Was it weird seeing Kevin?”
“It was,” I answered honestly. “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, I really have to admit…I just don’t want to think about it. I know that sounds so stupid, but the second I saw those two pink lines, it was like, my brain started desperately searching for something else to focus on.”
“Oh, honey.”
“I mean, how am I supposed to get through finals?” We stopped to let a car pass, and then crossed the street to the front of my building.
“I don’t know, but I think we should go to the student hospital first thing in the morning and you should get a proper blood test, or whatever,” she suggested. “I know Amanda Rosen has been there like sixteen times.”
“You’re right,” I nodded. “Will you come with me?”
“Wouldn’t miss it. I’ll pick you up at ten o’clock with a sausage biscuit and a Supersize Diet Coke.”
Jenna was on time, bearing greasy food and artificially sweetened soda, and it was exactly what the doctor ordered. We waltzed into the student hospital just after ten-thirty, and
were asked to take a seat. We often joked about the slutty girls who went there for the free pregnancy tests, which made me wonder if every single person within ten feet of the building knew exactly why I was there. I myself knew of almost no other reason to go to the student hospital. It wasn’t long before a nurse called me into the room, took my blood and asked me to sit back in the waiting area again.
“How’d it go?” Jenna asked.
“It went pretty quickly.”
“How long does it take to find out?”
“Few minutes, I guess,” I said and we waited, but I knew I was pregnant. I went to the student hospital because it truly did seem like the right thing to do, but my instinct didn’t need the blood test. I knew.
Sure enough about fifteen minutes later the nurse called me back in and told me what I’d expected her to say. She then proceeded to hand me a pamphlet from Planned Parenthood and asked if I had any questions. I did not. None she could answer anyway.
Jenna took me back to my apartment and dropped me off because she had a calculus study group at noon.
“Are you going to be alright?” she asked before I got out of her car.
“Yeah.”
“Okay, I’ll be over as soon as I’m done, okay?”
“Thanks, Jen.”
“Don’t worry, Syd, we’ll take care of this together.”
I gave her a nod, and watched her drive off.
Although I knew what the nurse was going to tell me, there had still been a tiny glimmer of hope. I thought there might be the teeniest chance that the technologically embarrassing First Response stick could’ve been wrong. I mean, pee on a stick! Come on, seriously!? But a blood test would tell me for sure, and that nurse very well could’ve entered the room, closed the door behind her and said, “It’s negative!”
But she didn’t, and so I was left to cry it out on the curb where Jenna left me.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
My denial hit full swing after my trip to the student hospital, and I spent the next few days focusing on finals and getting drunk with my senior class. Self-pity and morning sickness were going to have to get in line.