Impulse

by Ellen Hopkins

  that you’ll mess things up.

  You deserve good things,

  and I want to be one them.”

  I glance around. Everyone

  seems lost in their own

  little universe, so I take a big

  chance, turning my face

  up toward Tony’s. My eyes

  tell him what I’m too nervous

  to say out loud:

  Kiss me.

  Tony’s Kiss

  Is like no other kiss, ever.

  It wants, but does not demand.

  It asks, but doesn’t take.

  It gives, and pleads for more.

  It is filled with desire,

  but also curiosity, and it

  teaches me that a kiss

  should come gift wrapped,

  not stripped naked.

  Most of all, it makes me

  want another kiss

  exactly like this one.

  It will not be tonight.

  Okay, you two, break

  it up, commans Sean.

  Six pairs of eyes have

  turned in our direction,

  and we are rewarded with

  a couple of catcalls.

  We slide a little apart,

  but not that far.

  And now, there is so

  much more between us.

  Complete connection,

  in one innocent kiss.

  Okay, maybe not

  totally innocent.

  Desire stings my body,

  in places I’ve half-

  forgotten exist.

  But I have to play cool.

  Five pairs of eyes

  continue to chaperone

  us. One pair studies

  us, digests what it has

  seen, then quickly

  returns to the letter,

  grasped tightly, tensely,

  in muscular hands.

  Conner’s hands.

  Conner

  Unbelievable

  When I heard we had letters

  from home, an insane little part

  of me hoped mine might bring

  some sliver of affection. Instead:

  Same Old Mom

  Same ugly comparisons

  between Cara and me.

  Same expectations, and what

  did she mean, “on our list”?

  Sean interrupts my reverie.

  Okay, you two, break it up.

  He means Vanessa and Tony,

  and when I glance their way

  I catch the end of a kiss.

  Another slap of jealousy

  catches me off guard, jerks

  my head in the other direction.

  My eyes fall to the paper

  clutched in my hands. I can’t

  remember one time my mom’s

  lips touched a part of my face.

  Surely not my own lips—shades

  of incest. But neither did she

  ever kiss my cheek or even

  my forehead. Oh, to be blessed

  by a kiss like the one I just

  witnessed. I’d trade every kiss

  I’ve stolen for one, given

  like that. Who could have guessed

  such a thing would happen

  between Vanessa and Tony—

  two fractured people, healed

  (perhaps) by unforeseen,

  not to mention unlikely,

  love. I’m more than jealous.

  I’m downright covetous.

  I can’t think about it anymore.

  Can’t think about Cara, Stanford,

  football. Can’t think about my

  parents, grades, test scores. Can’t

  think about any of that at all.

  I Fold the Letter

  Into a perfect paper

  airplane, take a walk under

  sequined night sky, try to

  silence the chatter in my brain.

  The sound of cheerful voices

  drifts toward me from camp.

  Their letters are tucked into

  pockets and sleeping bags, gifts.

  Rewards for accomplishments

  and, with any luck at all, change.

  But nothing has changed for me.

  I’ll go home to the same grand

  house in the same manicured

  neighborhood. (Except for the new

  neighbors at the end of the block.

  Exorcism, “for my own good.”)

  I’ll go home to expectations

  no way I can live up to, no

  longer want to. But I’ve never

  had a say about my future.

  I close my eyes, and all

  I can see is my mother’s

  face. Sculpted. Beautiful.

  Angry. So often angry.

  And I am so much like her.

  A grenade of my own anger

  explodes inside my head.

  I am damaged. Decayed.

  A gust of wind roughs up

  my hair. The paper airplane

  sits heavy in my hand. I cock

  back my arm, release, let it fly

  straight to hell.

  Tony

  I Swim Up into Morning

  And thoughts of Vanessa,

  reaching up to kiss me.

  I sit up, look for her,

  but she’s nowhere in

  sight, and a strange

  jolt of worry strikes.

  “Come on, Tony,” I tell

  myself. “She’s just off

  for her morning…”

  Finishing the thought

  seems voyeuristic.

  What’s up with me?

  Hey, you. Vanessa’s voice

  sneaks over my shoulder,

  settles softly in my ear.

  Did y ou know you snore?

  She moves around in front

  of me, eyes lifting to mine.

  “Me? Snore? You must

  have me conftised with

  someone else!” I answer

  the shake of her head

  with a smile. “Well, why

  were you listening, anyway?”

  I couldn’t sleep. I kept

  thinking about this guy

  and how good a kisser

  he was and how much

  I wanted to kiss him again.

  Even if he did snore.

  God, I love her. She is

  just the most incredible

  person I’ve ever known.

  Funny. Smart. Pretty.

  One day, very soon, I want

  to do more than kiss her.

  But Right Now

  Everyone’s staring, like

  they’re reading my mind

  or something. I excuse

  myself for my own a.m.

  stroll. I return to gossip

  and breakfast, in that order.

  Lori’som and dad are

  getting back together,

  Dahlia informs us all.

  It was my fault they broke

  up in the first place, Lori

  explains. No pressure there!

  Justin launches a sermon.

  Just give it to the Lord.

  He’ll see you through.

  Hey, Raven, calls Dahlia.

  Any candy bars left? I love

  chocolate for breakfast!

  Blah, blah, blah. Only

  Conner is quiet. Sulky.

  Pissed, even. The look on

  his face is hard to decipher.

  But I’m guessing his letter

  was less than inspirational.

  “Hey, Conner,” I call.

  “Don’t tell me my

  snoring kept you awake

  too!” I expect a grin.

  A finger. Something.

  But he just sits there.

  Half of me wants

  to go over and hug

  him. The other half

  wants to shake him.

/>   Both halves agree he

  wants to be left alone.

  Both Halves Decide

  To leave Conner alone.

  Anyway, it’s time

  to start off the day

  with a delicious MRE

  and a cup of black coffee.

  The breakfast of warriors.

  Okay, listen up, Raven

  barks. You all did a

  fantastic job yesterday.

  I think you ’ve all got

  the hang of climbing,

  so to speak. Tomorrow

  we’ll explore the cave

  I told you about. You’ll

  have to rappel a long way

  down into a very dark

  cavern. Then you’ll have

  to climb back up out.

  Before we can trust

  you to do that, we

  want to test your skills.

  Today we’ll practice

  on some very tall, very

  steep granite walls.

  It is imperative that

  you double-check your

  equipment and knots

  before you begin your

  ascent. I’ll take lead

  today. Sean will hang

  out below. Be sure

  to have him inspect

  your ropes before you

  start to climb. We don’t

  want to have to scrape

  what’s left of you off

  the rocks.

  Vanessa

  Watching Raven

  Climb gives me the chills.

  She works and works for holds

  in the megalithic wall, fixes

  protection at strategic points

  along the way. Up. Up. Up.

  Makes me dizzy, just looking

  up that high. So why

  am I so excited, knowing

  my turn is coming?

  If you smile any wider,

  you’re going to crack

  your face right in half.

  Tony drapes an arm

  around my shoulder.

  You really like this stuff,

  don’t you?

  “Yeah. And it definitely

  surprises me. I’ve never

  been much of a thrill seeker …”

  Except in my manic phases.

  And the thrills I sought

  were nothing like this.

  “… I like to ski—wide, groomed

  runs. Not trees. Not bumps.

  I like to mountain bike—ride

  a chair lift up, coast down.

  I’m not an athlete. Not

  even close. This is really

  hard. But I love it.”

  I just hope it isn’t mania

  talking. But it doesn’t feel

  that way. In fact, for the first

  time in a very long time,

  I feel completely grounded.

  Except, of course,

  when I’m climbing.

  Since Sean’s Going Last

  He buddies Tony with Justin.

  Tony takes lead, and I watch

  him climb, confident and strong.

  Funny, I never noticed

  how fit he was until the Challenge.

  He never complains,

  never makes excuses.

  He just accomplishes.

  Sean calls, Come on, Vanessa.

  You and Dahlia go next.

  Let’s go over your

  equipment. He tests

  my harness, helmet, ropes.

  Hold on a minute. Check

  this out. See how you’ve

  got your rope over the gate

  of the carabiner? That’s

  called back clipping. Put

  any stress at all on the ’biner,

  it’s liable to pop open

  and let the rope slide out.

  Could be ugly.

  With everything adjusted

  correctly, it’s my turn

  to climb. “Do you want

  lead?” I ask Dahlia.

  You crazy, man? Lead is

  dangerous, and this wall

  is insane. You go first.

  If you can make it, so can I.

  I follow Raven’s route,

  clipping onto the anchors

  she has already placed

  in the rocks. Looking up,

  I see Tony, measuring my

  every move, nodding to let

  me know I’m looking good.

  And feeling great.

  I Reach the Top

  Swing a leg over, and here

  I am, thousands of feet

  above the playa floor.

  I can see forever up here,

  and it makes me feel

  just about invincible.

  Tony runs over, picks

  me up, swings me in circles.

  Isn’t this awesome? No

  wonder you like this sport.

  We’ll have to do it again

  once we’re out of here.

  He slows, puts me down.

  Gets very serious.

  I will still see you once

  we’re out of’here, won’t I?

  Everything has been day-

  to-day, and I haven’t really,

  truly thought about what

  it will be like once we put

  Aspen Springs behind us.

  But one thing’s for sure.

  “Of course you’ll see me.

  Maybe even more

  of me than you’ll want to.

  I’m the tiniest bit obsessive

  about the people I love.”

  Good. We’re on the same

  page. I don’t really know

  where I’ll go or what I’ll

  do when I’m “free.”

  All I know is my life would

  be empty without you in it.

  I look into his eyes, and what

  I find there fills me with hope.

  He knows all my secrets,

  even the worst of them.

  Despite everything, he still

  loves me.

  Conner

  God, I’m Tired

  I can barely pull myself

  to my feet, let alone up

  a hundred-foot rock wall. Sleep—

  deep sleep—would be so sweet.

  I’m the last to go, and Sean

  wants me to take lead. You

  can do it. Just clip onto

  the anchors before you pull

  yourself up. If those petite

  girls can handle it, you can

  handle it better. It’s all up

  to you, man. Get climbin’.

  I stand at the bottom, looking

  up at where the others wait.

  I feel like the idiot kid

  who can’t say no to a dare.

  Fuck it. What do I have to

  lose? The first anchor is

  maybe eight feet up. I study

  the rock face, choose the best

  way to reach the anchor, clip

  on, and pull. My fingers ache

  and I think my knuckles will

  swell later. This is bullshit.

  But then, my entire life

  is bullshit. The best things

  in it have vanished, ghosts.

  Ghosts I’ll admit I created.

  The rope holding me in place

  creaks, stressed by my weight.

  Keep going, buddy, yells Sean.

  You can rest when you get to the top.

  Keep Going

  That’s exactly what I tell

  myself. “Keep going, loser.”

  I’ll never be anything else.

  I step on a narrow rock shelf

  and it crumbles, making

  me scramble for a foothold.

  I find one, push up, smash my

  knee into a jut of granite.

  Way to go, faggot. The voice

  I hear belongs to my
father.

  Get hold of yourself. You’ll never

  make first string like that. Fear

  of failure impels me toward

  the top, as it pushed me toward

  the goal line so many times

  before. I don’t dare stop.

  Don’t dare drop the ball. Don’t

  dare finish second. We only

  want what’s best for you, so

  spare me your whining. Why

  can’t you be like Cara? She

  never loses. Cara is smarter.

  Cuter. More talented. I will

  forever ride in her backseat.

  Well, they’re fraternal twins, you

  see. Now the voice is my mom’s.

  I want to shut her up, but I

  know she won’t be silenced.

  I reach up for a handhold,

  find I’m almost to the top.

  And still the home movies

  rewind … replay … rewind.

  Of course I’m proud of Conner.

  It’s just … he’s not his sister.

  With a burst of energy, I

  thrust myself up and over.

  Standing Here

  My entire world far beneath

  my feet, I should be filled

  with pride. Instead, I feel

  overwhelmed by a sense of defeat.

  Suddenly it comes to me,

  toes tempted to test the ledge,

  that there is a way out of this.

  Calm surety flows through

  my veins, and as I turn to wave

  good-bye, I wonder if it will

  hurt or if a single person

  will cry at my funeral.

  I take a deep breath, a final

  taste of sweet mountain air.