by Lucy Gordon
‘You always said there was no point in brooding about things,’ she explained without rancour. ‘You said we’d talk about it later, when I was pregnant again and talking wouldn’t hurt.’
He winced. ‘That was just to suit my own convenience,’ he said harshly. ‘I couldn’t bear to speak about it, so I made it impossible for you. It was an act of pure selfishness, didn’t you know that?’
She rested her head against his shoulder. ‘I can’t really remember now.’
He moved his free hand upwards until it found her face, cupping her cheek. Then he leaned his head down against her hair.
‘Kelly, I’m sorry for everything,’ he said quietly.
‘Don’t be. You were right. Brooding’s no use. It wastes time. You have to think of what lies ahead of you.’
‘Do you know what does lie ahead of you?’
‘No. Not for a while yet. Maybe next week. If I’m still pregnant by next Tuesday-’
‘Hush!’ he stopped her quickly. ‘You will be. I know that. I know it with total certainty. I promise you have nothing to worry about.’
She thumped him weakly on the shoulder. ‘You so-and-so,’ she said. ‘You don’t know what you’re saying. You’ve no idea about babies or pregnancy, and you talk as though you’re handing the word down from the mountain. So why do I believe you? Why can you make me believe you when I know you’re talking through your hat?’
‘Talking through my hat is what I’m good at,’ he said wryly. ‘My one and only skill. I’ve built a career on it, and I thought maybe I could put it to good use for a change. But I never fooled you. Still, it can be true, even if it’s only me saying it. You’re going to have this baby safely,’ he repeated insistently, trying to convince her, not just with his voice but with the comforting warmth of his arms. ‘And you can do the things you meant to the first time. You’ll have it all back, everything you lost then.’
At once he knew he’d made a false step. Kelly tensed and drew away from him.
‘What is it?’ he asked anxiously.
‘You don’t understand. I can’t have back what I lost then. That child is gone for ever.’
‘But you’ll have this child-’
‘A different one. Not a replacement for the other. She’ll always be my first child, my daughter, as long as I live.’
‘Ah yes, I remember. You said it would have been a girl.’
‘It was a girl,’ Kelly insisted. ‘Not would have been, was. She was a real person to me, even though she didn’t quite make four months. She was real, and she died before I even knew her. All the time I was miscarrying I tried to talk to her, to tell her to hang on because her mother loved her. But then it was too late, so I said goodbye and told her that I always had loved her, and always would. But I don’t know if she heard me.’ Kelly’s voice was suddenly thick with tears.
‘Of course she did,’ Jake said fiercely. ‘Not heard, but felt what you were saying, sensed it. She knew. You have to believe that.’
‘I try. Thank you for telling me that.’
I should have told you then, he thought, but I didn’t know any of this.
He longed to ask if she’d told their child that he too loved her, but he no longer had any right. And he was afraid that Kelly, in her uncompromising honesty, would give him an answer he couldn’t bear.
‘And if the worst comes to the worst,’ he added hesitantly, ‘you’re not alone. You’ve still got-your brother.’ His arms tightened about her.
‘Yes,’ she murmured comfortably. ‘I always wanted a brother. Maybe it was because I didn’t have a father, but I used to dream of someone I could talk to, and who’d be strong for me, and perhaps need me too. I was just a burden to my mother, and I thought how nice it would be to have a brother who’d rely on me as much as I relied on him.’ She tightened her arms about Jake. ‘Who’d have thought it would turn out to be you?’
‘I don’t know that I’m any better as a brother than I was as a husband,’ he said sombrely.
‘You came looking for me tonight. You’re solid and you’re here.’
‘Which is more than I was-’
‘Hush,’ she stopped him. ‘We’ve covered all that, and it doesn’t matter any more.’
‘No,’ he said quietly, ‘I suppose it doesn’t.’ He bent his head to kiss the top of her hair. ‘Kelly,’ he murmured, ‘Kelly, Kelly… I’m so sorry.’
She looked up at him. ‘No need to be sorry, Jake. You made me very happy, lots of times.’
‘But not all the time.’
‘There isn’t really any such thing as all the time,’ she said wisely. ‘We shouldn’t ask for it.’
‘No, I guess not,’ he sighed. ‘But it was good now and then, wasn’t it?’
‘Oh, yes, yes, the best thing in the world.’ A radiant smile broke over her face and Jake drew in his breath.
Very gently he laid his lips against her forehead, kissing her like the brother he was supposed to be, and they clung together contentedly until a shout startled them.
‘Oi!’ They looked up to find a uniformed man standing a few feet away. ‘I’m closing up now,’ he called. ‘You two go and do your courting somewhere else.’
Jake could have cheerfully strangled the man for ruining the precious moment, but Kelly gave a choke of laughter.
‘We’re going,’ Jake called hastily, helping her to her feet. Then his sense of humour returned. ‘Courting! If we told him the truth he wouldn’t believe it.’
‘Nobody would believe it,’ she agreed. ‘You have to be mad to understand.’
‘And we always were.’
As they strolled away the lights began to go off. ‘It was nice being mad together,’ he mused.
‘Mmm. It was lovely.’
‘Come on.’ He tried to hurry her. ‘It’s too cold out here for you.’
‘You too. I’m supposed to be looking after you, remember?’
‘Guess we’ll have to look after each other.’
‘For a while.’
‘Yes-for a while.’
Kelly had said ‘next Tuesday’ and in her mind that was always the cut-off date. If she could hold out five more days, then four, then three, two…
On Monday night she worked late, reading first one book then another. The print passed under her eyes without her taking anything in. She knew what she was doing, making an excuse not to go to bed, because if she had to lie looking into the darkness the terrors would get worse.
There was a thin line of light under Jake’s door, and she found herself looking at it with resentment. If he was up, why didn’t he come and talk to her? That was what brothers were for, wasn’t it?
Then her resentment died. This was the way she’d chosen it, with Jake kept at arm’s length. She hadn’t even told him the crucial fact that she was due to have an ultrasound scan the next day. She’d meant to, but somehow there had always seemed a good reason for not bothering him.
She sighed, telling herself to stop playing games and face the truth. It was her pride that held her silent. He might have thought she was asking him to involve himself more deeply in the pregnancy, and what she dreaded most was to see him being determinedly polite to cover his reluctance.
She took a deep breath, telling herself firmly not to give in to weakness. She put the books tidily away and went to her room, with a last hopeful glance at Jake’s door. The strip of light was still there, but nothing was moving. She closed her own bedroom door very quietly.
Even so, Jake heard the faint sound. He’d detected every movement she made and knew when she riffled through books or paced the floor. He’d left his light on deliberately, so that she would know he was up. At any moment, he was sure she would knock and say she needed him. Perhaps she would even tell him about the scan she was having tomorrow, about which he would never have known if he hadn’t found the letter by chance. It would happen. All he had to do was wait.
But he waited and waited, until at last he knew that waiting was useless. He hea
rd her bedroom door close, and then there was nothing to do but put out the light.
At the hospital next day Kelly went to Maternity and presented her card. While the receptionist tapped the computer she looked around the waiting room, and stared, with growing happiness, at what she saw.
‘Jake? What are you doing here?’
He came forward from where he’d been hanging back in the crowd. He looked awkward and self-conscious.
‘Thought I’d hold your hand,’ he said gruffly. ‘I’ll go away if you don’t want me.’
Only now did she know how very much she had wanted him. And he had sensed it, and come here to be with her. A surge of emotion welled up in her without warning and she had to fight back tears.
‘Kelly, are you all right?’ He put his hands on her shoulders, looking alarmed.
‘I’m fine,’ she said huskily, annoyed with herself for nearly losing control. ‘I’m pregnant. I’m allowed to have idiotic moods.’
‘I don’t think they’re idiotic. What do you want me to do?’
‘Stay. Please stay.’ She slipped her hand into his as though to keep him there. As he guided her to a seat she said, ‘But how did you know?’
‘I found the letter lying around. I didn’t mean to pry but-well, I suppose I did. I’m sorry. But you might have told me.’
‘Yes, I should have done. Why were you hiding in the background?’
‘I thought Carl might be with you.’
‘No, he just dropped me off at the end of the road. He had a meeting to get to, something to do with his Easter dig.’
‘What’s that?’
‘He’s off studying ruins in Italy over the Easter vacation.’
‘I think someone’s trying to attract your attention,’ Jake said, seeing a nurse waving.
She ushered them into a small room with a bed and a scanning machine.
‘Ms Harmon?’ she said. ‘And this is-?’
‘My brother,’ Kelly said quickly.
‘Right, Mr Harmon, if you’d like to sit here.’
‘I’m not-’ he started to say, then bit his lip and fell silent.
‘If you’d lie down there…’ The nurse indicated the couch.
Kelly hesitated for a moment, her eyes fixed on the couch. Jake understood. It was a strange sensation because he’d never understood before. He’d loved Kelly and been good to her within the limits of his nature, but the workings of her heart and mind had always been shrouded by a curtain of mystery. When she’d tried to tell him he’d grown tense because he often couldn’t follow what she was saying. And she’d known, and stopped trying.
Now everything had changed. After the battering his body and his nerves had taken recently he seemed to have become alive to all the world, but mostly to her. The curtain had dissolved, leaving her inner truth revealed to him. This scan would finally answer all questions, and however much she tried to convince herself that the news was good and she only needed confirmation, at heart she was terrified.
So was he. For if things went wrong again her heart would break unbearably. And she would need him, and he would fail her. Because hadn’t he always failed her?
‘Come on,’ he said, slipping a gentle arm around her.
She threw him a grateful smile and went to lay down on the couch, pushing her jeans down to her hips. The nurse spread a cool jelly over her bare stomach and took up a white gadget like a small box, attached to the machine. As she moved this back and forth over Kelly’s stomach a picture began to form on the screen.
At first it was nothing more than a collection of shadows in different shades of grey, some light, some dark. When the nurse said, ‘There’s the head,’ Jake stared, unable to make out any particular shape. He glanced at Kelly, but she was staring at the screen, transfixed, her face radiant. It seemed to Jake that she’d forgotten him. Then he felt a slight touch on his hand, and gradually Kelly’s fingers intertwined with his. Still not looking at him, she gripped him, tightening the pressure until he was wincing. But nothing would have made him pull away.
‘Can you see the head?’ he murmured.
‘Of course. There.’
And suddenly he could see it. What had been all confusion before settled into a head, a form, limbs.
‘I can see hands and feet,’ he breathed.
‘And there’s a good strong heartbeat,’ the nurse confirmed. ‘I believe your last pregnancy ended in miscarriage, Ms Harmon?’
‘That’s right. But I’m sure this one has lasted longer now.’
‘Well, I can tell you, you’ve got a strong healthy child there. See where you can see thumping? That’s the heartbeat.’
They both looked in awed silence while the little dot thumped softly away, with its message of life and hope. The nurse spoke but neither of them heard her. She spoke again, louder.
‘I beg your pardon?’ Kelly said, startled.
‘I asked if you want to know the sex?’
‘No, thank you,’ she said, at exactly the same moment that Jake said, ‘Yes.’
‘All right,’ Kelly said. ‘Is it a boy or a girl?’
‘No, do it your way,’ Jake hurried to say. ‘After all, it’s not my decision. It doesn’t really concern me.’
In his haste to do what she wanted he felt he might have put that better, but it was too late now.
‘Very well,’ Kelly said quietly. ‘What is it?’
‘A boy.’
She tried to see Jake’s face. She thought she saw a brief expression of sadness, but he was looking steadily at the screen, and it was hard for her to be sure.
‘He’s moving around all the time,’ he said in wonder. ‘Punching and kicking. Does it hurt?’ he added anxiously.
‘I can’t feel a thing,’ she said, looking down at her stomach as though expecting to see it move. There was nothing to see, but the little creature on the screen was never still. Already it had its own world, its own life, separate from the turmoil going on outside.
The nurse gave them a picture from the screen. Jake took charge of it while Kelly adjusted her clothes. Once she glanced up, expecting to see him gazing at the little snap, but he never glanced at it, merely put it in his breast pocket, which he buttoned firmly.
Neither spoke as they left the hospital. As they descended the steps he drew her hand through his arm, to steady her, but they were both moving in a dream. At the foot of the steps he said, ‘Come with me,’ and drew her along the pavement towards the entrance to a shopping precinct.
Still without coming back down to earth, she asked, ‘Where are we going?’
‘To celebrate.’
‘But this is a wool shop.’ He was whisking her through the door.
‘What better place to celebrate a baby? Good morning.’ He advanced on the assistant. ‘I want a ton of white wool-oh, and some blue-and every baby pattern you have.’
This was Jake in an exhilarated mood. There was no holding him back. He went through a sheaf of patterns, tossing each one aside as unsatisfactory.
‘I like those bootees,’ Kelly objected.
‘Nah, these are better.’
‘All right, we’ll have these,’ she said, grabbing a pattern as it flew past. ‘And these rompers, and the bonnet.’
‘How about-?’
‘How much time do you think I have for knitting?’
He considered. ‘I suppose I could do some? After all,’ he added provocatively, ‘if you can do it, how hard can it be?’
Laughing, she slapped him lightly on the arm, and was horrified when he made a sharp noise, visibly wincing. ‘What did I do?’ she asked, shocked.
‘Nothing, I’m just a seven stone weakling.’ He was laughing again, slightly pale, but he was always pale these days. ‘We’ll have these patterns, and this wool.’
They sailed out of the shop laden with wool which Jake insisted on carrying. He’d recovered from whatever had troubled him, and his step was jaunty. Kelly found her mood soaring to meet his. The first stunned realisation was gi
ving way to joy. She gave a hop, and would have stumbled, but Jake saved her.
‘Steady,’ he said. ‘You’re going to have a baby.’
‘Have you only just noticed?’
‘It’s only just become really true.’
‘Yes, of course it has. I’m going to have a baby. Jake, I’m going to have a baby!’
She threw her arms about him, and he dropped the wool to put his about her, hugging her tightly, while careful of the bump that was just beginning to show.
‘It’s all right,’ he said urgently. ‘Last time you lost it before this, but now you’ve got a healthy baby. You’re going to have a baby.’
‘I am, aren’t I? I really am.’
‘You really are.’
‘Yes, I am,’ she said, hearing herself becoming idiotic and not caring a bit.
‘Yes, you are.’ He was grinning, catching her mood.
The two of them began to giggle at the same moment, clutching each other, almost hysterical with relief and happiness. Passers-by regarded them with alarm and scuttled past while they shouted with laughter. Kelly clung to him tightly, her head pressed against his chest so that she could hear the soft thud of his heart deep within. And that made her think of the other beating heart, the one they’d seen together: their son.
CHAPTER NINE
T HE weeks that followed were among the happiest Kelly had ever known. College had finished for the Easter vacation and she could stay at home all day, reading and making baby clothes, with Jake for company.
He’d never carried out his threat to start knitting, wisely deciding to leave it to the expert. Instead he bought a soft golden teddy bear that Kelly said was big enough to overwhelm any baby.
This was the pregnancy she’d dreamed of last time, with her child’s father there, attentive, striving to be aware of her needs. The only thing that spoilt it was that he didn’t know that he was the father.
Sometimes she wondered why she didn’t tell him that the baby was his. He must surely suspect it, and might only be waiting for her confirmation.
But he never asked, and she wondered if he cared about the answer. He went out of his way to be the perfect brother, helpful and supportive, but it was as though he was responding at arm’s length. However hard she tried, she could detect no sign that he wanted any other relationship than brother.