by Lucy Gordon
Until she knew more about what was happening inside his head she couldn’t risk imposing what might be an unwanted burden on a man who was already coping with so much.
For his recovery still had some way to go. He didn’t gain weight fast enough and his pallor didn’t improve, and his strength would fade without warning. But his manner was cheerful and he always insisted that he felt fine. Once she mentioned consulting the doctor and he said firmly, ‘Stop fussing,’ in a way that reminded her of the old Jake.
She came home from shopping one day to find supper ready, but a supper such as she’d never seen before.
‘Sardines and cornflakes?’ she said, wide-eyed.
‘You couldn’t get enough of them last time.’
‘But not together. Anyway, it’s bananas this time.’
‘You’re craving bananas?’ he echoed, disgusted. ‘That’s very unimaginative.’
‘Boring, isn’t it? In fact, I’m even more boring than that. It was a very mild craving and it’s almost over.’
He looked injured. ‘I was only trying to help.’
‘I know you were, and I do appreciate it.’
‘I just didn’t get it right.’
‘Well, if you really want to help me-’
‘Anything, anything.’
‘Don’t say that so readily. You don’t know what I’m going to ask.’
‘It doesn’t matter what it is. You have my absolute, binding, unbreakable promise.’
‘Fine. Come to birth classes with me.’
‘You tricked that promise out of me.’
‘Oh, yeah! I never asked you for “absolute, binding and unbreakable.”’
‘Then let me off.’
‘No way!’
‘Kelly-’
She made a noise like a chicken clucking, and he glared. ‘All right!’
He kept his word, although with much protest, and arrived at their first class in a furtive manner that made her chuckle. But when he looked around and saw other, similarly uneasy characters hiding behind their pregnant woman, he seemed to relax. After that his journalist’s mind took over, and by the time they left he’d taken in everything, and was able to discuss it sensibly as they went home.
‘I knew I’d find it easy,’ he said as they opened the front door. ‘I can’t think why you didn’t want me to go.’
‘Get inside and put the kettle on before I thump you,’ she said sternly.
He grinned and scuttled inside, rubbing his hands with wicked glee. She smiled after him tenderly. Jake was wonderful when he was like this.
To prove it he made her put her feet up and brought her a bowl of bananas in milk. ‘Peace offering.’
‘Thanks. Yummy! This is just what I need before I go to bed. Nice and light, doesn’t weigh heavily on the stomach. Glad you learned something from that class. I thought the whole thing was going over your head.’
‘Yeah, sure!’ he jeered, grinning.
She finished the bananas and leaned back, stretching out while he massaged her feet. ‘That’s good, that’s good,’ she sighed. ‘Keep doing it.’
‘Yes, dear.’
‘Gotcha,’ she shouted triumphantly.
‘What?’ He rubbed his ear.
‘You used to swear that the one thing you’d never say was “Yes, dear.”’
‘I never.’
‘You did, when we were first going out. You had this uncle who was henpecked. According to you, all he ever said to his wife was, “Yes, dear,” and, “No, dear.” You said you’d starve in the streets before saying it. In fact, you said it was the perfect reason for never marrying.’
And she’d cried herself to sleep that night.
‘When did I say that?’
‘About a month before we got married.’
‘Well, that shows you. And if you’re suggesting that I married you under duress, you’re wrong. Now go to bed. You need your rest.’
He was right, but sometimes these days she found it hard to get to sleep. Now the sickness stage of pregnancy had passed and she was brimming with health and vigour. She understood just how much one morning when she surprised Jake coming out of the bathroom wearing only a towel around his middle.
He was too thin, and his glowing tan had gone, but it was still the body she remembered, and that excited her. Without warning she was swept by a physical desire so intense that it took her breath away. If she had imagined that pregnancy would save her from such feelings she knew now that she was wrong.
It was as though time had turned back to the night of the party, that hot, velvet night when she and Jake had cast aside restraint, becoming two vibrant, healthy animals, intent on pleasure. And he knew how to give a woman pleasure. The memories were still there in her flesh, sensitising her, so that the mere sight of him made her ache with need.
When he noticed her looking at him his eyebrows went up in a quizzical question, and she was suddenly conscious of the gap between her desire and the way she looked. How could he possibly respond by wanting this thickening figure? She mumbled something and got out fast. But that night she didn’t sleep. Nor the next night.
She found that she could pace the floor for just so long. Then she had to think of something else, equally useless. She tried making sandwiches. She tried reading. Nothing worked because every time she closed her eyes he was there, touching her face, kissing her softly as a preliminary to making love. And when she opened her eyes again she was alone and desolate.
‘Are you all right?’ he asked one night, finding her in the living room, sipping tea. ‘It’s three in the morning. What are you doing up?’
‘Just wanted a drink.’
‘But you do this every night.’ His voice changed, became gentle. ‘What’s the matter?’
‘Nothing,’ she said firmly.
Only that I’m going out of my mind with wanting you, she thought, and getting less attractive by the day.
‘Come on, tell your brother.’
She almost laughed aloud. This is one thing I can’t tell my brother.
When she didn’t reply he changed tack and began to tell her funny stories. They were about nothing in particular, anecdotes from his colourful career with the intensity stripped out and only the humour left in. For the first time he admitted what she’d always suspected, that he hated flying.
‘Sometimes I wonder how I landed up in a job where I fly all the time.’
‘And of course Jake Lindley can’t tell anyone,’ she said gently.
‘Jake Lindley laughs at danger. If he let on that his stomach was five miles behind nobody would ever take him seriously again.’
‘And being taken seriously mattered to you, didn’t it?’
‘A lot. I wanted-hell, I can’t remember what I wanted. It all seems so far away now. Doesn’t the past seem that way to you?’
‘Yes,’ she said at once. ‘Everything is shifting, and I’ve no idea where it’s going to end up.’
He looked at her wryly, ‘You still don’t want to tell me what’s on your mind, do you?’
‘I can’t. Honestly I can’t.’
‘Would you tell Carl?’
‘No.’
‘Then I guess it must be serious if you can’t even tell Carl. Who could you tell?’
‘Nobody.’
‘Nobody. I guess that’s the story of your life, isn’t it? Nobody around to listen to what you want to say. You never really had anyone, not a father, not a real mother-’
‘She did her best.’
‘Then it was a rotten best. Why wasn’t she around more to protect you from me? Any mother could have seen that I was a bad lot, and you were eighteen. She made it easy for me.’
‘Be fair. She never tried to pressure me into giving the baby up. She let me marry you.’
‘She was thrilled to see you marry me. It left her free. But it wasn’t exactly the wedding a young girl dreams of, was it?’
‘You don’t know what I dreamed about,’ she said lightly.
&n
bsp; ‘Maybe I wasn’t totally the blind clod I sometimes seemed. I remember we went to the wedding of one of your friends. It was in church, she had a white dress, bridesmaids, all the extras. I watched you. You were loving it. You’d have liked the same, wouldn’t you?’
‘Well-’
‘But what you got,’ he said, steamrollering over her, ‘was a hurried little ceremony in a backstreet register office, wearing an ordinary day dress. And you never complained.’
‘I didn’t want to. I’d have liked to be married in church, but I didn’t care about the trimmings.’
‘You wanted a career, and you didn’t get it,’ he went on. ‘You wanted a baby and didn’t get one.’
‘But-’
‘Kelly tell me this-has anyone, in your entire life, taken care of you? I mean really taken care of you, put themselves out for you, cherished you, set your needs above their own?’
‘But of course. You-’
‘Come on!’ he almost shouted. ‘You know better than that. I put myself first, from start to finish.’
‘I don’t believe that.’
‘Well, you should. You know as well as I do that I never-’
‘Jake, stop it,’ she said urgently. ‘This can’t do any good now.’
‘I thought you’d want to hear that I share your low opinion of me.’
‘Maybe I did once, but that’s all over. We have a good arrangement here, but we mustn’t spoil it by raking over the past.’
He shrugged. ‘As you say. Let it go. What difference can it make now?’
She rose from her chair. The movement brought her slight swelling into focus, and he took her hands to help her the rest of the way.
‘There’s one thing you wanted that you’re going to have,’ he said. ‘I’m glad about the baby, Kelly. Glad for your sake. That’s something I don’t want to spoil for you, and I promise that I won’t.’
‘Thank you,’ she said in a strained voice. ‘Goodnight, Jake.’
She had to get away from him before he suspected that she was on the edge of tears. If she hadn’t stopped him he would have destroyed all her memories of their marriage. Bit by bit he would have gone through it, putting his own behaviour in the worst, unloving light. She’d always known that he didn’t love her as she loved him, that he had married her to secure their child. But still she’d cherished the belief that he’d loved her a little. Without that belief the last eight years would be reduced to rubble. For a moment she almost hated him for trying to do that.
She was doing what she’d warned against: raking over the past. She’d taught herself to be stronger than that now. She took a deep breath, pulled herself together, and got into bed.
Jake also went to bed, moving slowly, partly to counter the dull ache in his insides that troubled him these days, but mostly with the crushing effects of disappointment.
Hell, what had he expected? That she would fall into his arms just because he owned past mistakes? She didn’t need him to admit he’d been a lousy, selfish jerk of a husband. She already knew that.
But somehow he’d persuaded himself that her kindness might be more than kindness, which just showed what a fool he was. She hadn’t even let him finish. His ‘dear sister’ was clinging to him for support because that was what she needed. And he, who’d sworn to give her whatever she needed, would have to be satisfied with that.
But still, he felt as though she’d slammed a door in his face.
It was good to see Carl’s bronzed face on the first day back at college. In fact it was good to see everyone. Jake had ruined the morning by being in a foul temper from the moment he awoke. Nothing she’d said had been right. Everything she’d done had provoked his criticism, until he’d finally said, ‘Don’t be late home,’ and she had grown cross.
‘I’ll come home when I’m ready. Stop smothering me, Jake.’
‘Just trying to take care of you,’ he’d snapped.
‘Well, I feel as if you want to tie me down. Do this, don’t do that, get home when I say.’
‘All right, all right!’ He’d thrown up his hands as if to fend her off. Later she was to remember that gesture with torment.
‘I’ll leave you alone then,’ he’d growled, and slouched back to his room.
To her dismay she found it was a relief to get away from him to the safety of college, where she felt at home. Carl waved from a distance and mouthed ‘See ya!’ before vanishing into the crowd. She spent the day catching up with friends, checking timetables and getting lists of books to read. At the end of the day there was a reunion in the pub at which she became very jolly on orange juice. Just when she’d given up hope of seeing Carl, he appeared.
‘Come and have a pizza with me before you go,’ he said.
‘Lovely. I’ll just let Jake know.’
But when she called she got the answer-machine. She left Jake a message, saying she’d be late.
‘He’s probably slipped out to get a Chinese meal from the place on the corner,’ she told Carl. ‘Let’s go.’
Over pizza he described his Italian trip. He was a good talker and his descriptions made her feel that doors and windows were opening for her. In this way the time slipped by without her noticing, until she looked at her watch and realised that she’d been there for three hours.
‘Jake will wonder if I’ve been abducted by aliens,’ she said, taking out her phone and hastily dialling.
But again she got the answer-machine.
‘That’s strange,’ she mused. ‘He can’t have been out all this time.’
‘Why not? He was well enough to go out that night I came over. He must be even better now.’
‘Actually he’s not. In fact he seems a little peaky-’ She stopped and a horrible fear rushed over her. ‘Carl, I’ve got to get home quickly.’
He didn’t argue, but hurried out with her and sped her home in his car. As she got out she looked up to her own windows and saw a faint light, which increased her apprehension.
‘Kelly, there’s nothing to worry about,’ Carl urged as they went up in the lift. ‘He came home from wherever he was and forgot to switch the answer-machine off before he went to bed.’
‘Yes, of course,’ she said eagerly, but she still ran out of the lift to her front door.
The flat was very quiet. There was no sign of Jake, but there was a light under his door. Quietly she pushed it open, and was briefly reassured by the sight of him lying in bed. She went to him and touched him on the shoulder, making him turn to face her. What she saw made her hurry out to Carl.
‘Call an ambulance, fast,’ she said tersely, and ran back at once.
Jake’s face was a horrible greyish colour, much as when she’d first seen him in hospital. His eyes glittered as if with pain, and he stared at Kelly as though wondering who she was.
‘Jake, Jake,’ she wept. ‘Oh, God, why didn’t I get home sooner?’
She took his hand. It was dry and hot.
‘Kelly?’ he whispered.
‘What happened to you?’
His lips moved painfully. ‘I’m all right. Did you have a good day at college?’
‘Damn college!’ she said violently. ‘And damn you for not telling me you were ill! You weren’t well this morning, were you?’
‘Bit grim,’ he admitted in a harsh whisper. ‘Your first day back-didn’t want to spoil-’
‘Shut up!’ she said. ‘Shut up, shut up! How could you have been so stupid?’
‘Just comes naturally, I guess.’
She was torn by self-condemnation. If he’d been stupid, so had she, to be fooled by the mask he presented.
‘How long have you been bad?’ she demanded fiercely.
‘A few niggles for the past few weeks.’
‘But why didn’t you say?’
‘We were having such a great time-I looked forward to your vacation-just us-no college. Didn’t want to miss it.’
‘I should have seen it this morning,’ she said bitterly. ‘But I was so full of myself
-’
‘But that’s right,’ he said, grasping her wrist with a hand that felt alarmingly hot. ‘You ought to be full of yourself. It’s your turn. That’s what we said.’
‘I don’t care what we said any more,’ she told him passionately. ‘Do you think any of that matters? Jake, I lov-’
‘Kelly,’ Carl’s voice came urgently from the door. ‘They’re here.’
And suddenly the paramedics were in the room, taking over, lifting Jake onto a stretcher, hurrying him away to the waiting ambulance. And the dangerous moment was past.
She went with him to the hospital, not daring to speculate on what might have happened. She caught a brief glimpse of Dr Ainsley, but he was gone in a moment, hurrying to Jake’s side. Carl, who’d followed the ambulance, had joined her by the time Dr Ainsley returned, smiling and reassuring.
‘He’s got a massive infection. That’s not good, but it’ll be OK now I’ve pumped some antibiotics into him. What puzzles me is that he must have been feeling grim for a while and said nothing. He should have been back in here before this.’
‘Did you ask him why?’
‘Yes, but he only muttered something about Easter that I didn’t understand. He’s too fever-ridden just now to make sense. Maybe he’ll tell you later.’
‘Can I see him?’
‘Just for a minute.’
She went quietly into Jake’s room. He seemed to be asleep, so she sat beside him. Only now could she relax enough to consider Jake’s astonishing words.
We were having such a great time-just us.
If he’d admitted his illness earlier he’d have spent her Easter vacation in the hospital, and they would have missed the sweet friendship of the last few weeks.
Jake stirred and opened his eyes. ‘Hi,’ he murmured.
‘Are you feeling any better?’ she asked tenderly.
‘A lot. Do you want to go on being mad at me?’
‘No, we’ll take that as read. I’m sorry about this morning-yesterday morning now, I suppose. I shouldn’t have snapped at you. You were rotten to me because you were feeling bad. You should have said something.’