by Lucy Gordon
‘Yeah, like burden you on your first day back.’
‘So when were you going to say something?’
‘I thought I’d call the hospital when you’d gone, but I went to sleep. After that I couldn’t find the energy. I put the answer-machine on and went to bed. When I awoke I got your message-’
‘And you were waiting for me all that time? If only I’d known!’
‘I didn’t want you to know. By the way, did I see Carl in the flat, or was I hallucinating?’
‘No, he was there. We went for a pizza and he drove me home.’
‘Good for him. Is he waiting for you?’
‘Yes.’
‘Fine, then he can take you home.’
‘All right.’ She rose, meaning to lean over and kiss his forehead, but he’d already closed his eyes and turned away.
Carl was waiting. On the way home she explained everything.
‘He’s been sick for weeks and kept it quiet?’ he exclaimed. ‘Why would he be so dumb?’
‘He’s not dumb,’ she said fiercely. ‘He just wanted to be with me during the vacation. I think that’s great of him.’
‘So do I, dumb but great.’
After that he wisely fell silent.
She didn’t sleep that night. She was tortured by the memory of Jake’s face as he saw her off, saying, ‘Don’t be late home.’ It had been a plea. Why hadn’t she understood that? Instead she’d flown at him, and he’d thrown up his hands in a kind of self-defence, too ill to fight her further.
I was supposed to be taking care of him, she thought wretchedly. A fine nurse I make!
She barely concentrated at college next day, and left at the first moment, clutching books and heading for the hospital. Her head was full of things she needed to say to Jake.
He was a good colour, and she could see the antibiotics were taking effect.
‘Sure I’m better,’ he said in answer to her question. ‘You know me-bounce back from anything.’
‘You might not have bounced back from this. Dr Ainsley said things were getting serious.’
‘OK, OK, I got macho, wouldn’t admit I was sick, and now I’m paying the price. I’m sorry if I was a nuisance.’
‘You weren’t a nuisance. I really enjoyed the last few weeks, and I was glad to have you there-’
‘We aim to please. I’m getting quite good at breathing exercises.’
Something determinedly bright in his voice made her look at him closely, and she saw what she dreaded. He was wearing his good humour like a mask. It kept her out.
Before she left Dr Ainsley told her, ‘The infection stopped him digesting properly, that’s why he’s stayed so thin. I’ll keep him here a couple of weeks, and when he goes home he should make giant strides. How are you managing? Is he a trial-apart from this, I mean?’
‘No, it’s been lovely,’ Kelly said. ‘Especially these last few weeks.’
‘When he goes home it’ll be better still.’
But she doubted that. Those few weeks alone together had been a wonderful time, but they were over.
She knew she’d been right when Jake left the hospital looking fitter than at any time since he was wounded. In the early days of his convalescence the hours and days had passed slowly, but now she found the time beginning to speed past. At last she could see that Jake’s strength was coming back. He gained weight, his voice grew stronger, he was more like the old Jake Lindley.
He seemed conscious of it too, for there were no more of the intimate chats she’d come to rely on. His attention was turning outwards again, and she knew that was a good sign. He was friendly, kind and cooperative, but their past history might not have existed.
Any day now he would be ready to leave her and return to the life of success, glitter and Olympia. When that time came she would accept it without bitterness, thankful for what they had enjoyed, which had been so much better than she had dared to hope.
CHAPTER TEN
W ITH every day Kelly found her new self becoming more settled, more truly her. There was no going back to that uncertain girl who’d waited on Jake’s decisions. This mature woman made her own decisions, and if they hurt that was all the more reason for carrying them out decisively.
So as she saw Jake recovering, reaching the point where he would inevitably leave her, she decided to make the first move. Pride demanded it, and pride would soon be all she had to sustain her.
One day she said, ‘Isn’t it time you made a serious effort with Olympia?’
‘What exactly do you mean by that?’
‘Oh, come on, Jake. She’s one of the “movers and shakers”, isn’t she? You always said they were the people who counted. It’s time you were moving and shaking with her.’
He regarded her curiously. ‘Would you care to define moving and shaking?’
Her shrug was a masterpiece of light-hearted indifference. ‘Whatever grabs you. Maybe it’s time to let Olympia grab you. Your call.’
‘Does that mean what I think it means?’
‘It means anything you like. Just don’t let the grass grow under your feet.’
Incensed, he glared at her. ‘You think I’m the kind of guy who’d sleep with a woman to get a job?’
‘I only meant keep on her good side.’
‘You meant a heck of a sight more than that.’
‘Jake, I don’t care why you sleep with her-’
‘Or if I sleep with her?’ he asked dangerously.
She wanted to shout, You stupid man, of course I care. I love you and when you go I’ll feel that my life’s over for a second time. Why can’t you see that?
But he couldn’t see it, and that told her what she really wanted to know. Jake’s blindness was a form of self-protection. So she would hold her head up, make it all easy for him, and do her weeping when he’d gone.
She said lightly, ‘We covered that a long time ago. It’s a dead subject. All I ask is that you don’t do it here, while I’m trying to write an essay about the pyramids.’
‘Well, I’ll be damned! You’re a cool one.’
Her very coolness had seemed to enrage him. In a burst of temper he called Olympia, speaking honeyed words of wine and candle-light. And before Kelly knew it they’d made a date for the next evening, and she was left reflecting that she had only herself to blame.
Since it was too late for regrets, even if she would have allowed herself anything so spineless, she became ‘Anne of Cleves’ with a vengeance, helping him get ready the following day.
‘You want to make a good impression,’ she protested when he complained. ‘Not the red tie. It’s awful.’
‘You gave it to me.’
‘Did I? I must have been annoyed with you. The other one’s better.’
‘Olympia gave me that one.’
‘Good for her. She’s got better taste than me. She’ll be flattered if you wear it.’ Kelly sniffed the air appreciatively. ‘Nice aftershave. Did she give you that too?’
‘No, I bought it today.’
‘Well, it’s terrific. It’ll drive her wild.’ She brushed his shoulders, stood back to admire him, and asked, ‘Have you got everything?’
‘Everything.’
‘Money? Credit card?’
‘Got them.’
‘Second credit card in case the first one’s over the limit and they cut it up-?’
‘Kelly, for Pete’s sake!’
‘It happened to you once, and it was the only one you had and you were stranded-’
‘Yes, I remember,’ he said edgily. ‘I had to call you.’
‘Pen?’
‘Pen.’
‘Matching socks?’
‘Matching socks.’
‘Clean underwear?’
‘What?’
‘In case you have an accident and they take you to hospital,’ she said innocently. ‘That’s what my mother always used to say.’
‘Mine too. I could never persuade her that if I was injured my underwear would be the
last thing on my mind.’
They shared a grin. ‘Off you go,’ she said. ‘Have a wonderful time.’
‘Thanks. I intend to.’ He eyed her seven-month bulge. ‘You OK?’
‘Never better. You are going to be really late coming in, aren’t you?’ She managed to sound hopeful.
‘I may be away all night.’
‘Oh good,’ she enthused.
There was a kind of triumph in fooling him so completely. But it was a bleak triumph, and when he’d gone she sat down with her arms folded over her body and rocked back and forth in grief.
The restaurant was the most expensive he could find. The wine was the finest in their cellar, the food the most exquisite cordon bleu. Jake had chosen the details with great care because tonight he was finally going to break free.
He didn’t define to himself exactly what, or whom, he was going to break free from. It couldn’t be Kelly, because she denied that any ties bound them together. The nearest he could come was breaking free of the shackles of the past, something Kelly herself had clearly done. This would prove he’d moved on as much as she had.
Kelly’s behaviour had unnerved him. It was nothing short of insulting that she should have tossed him into Olympia’s arms. There would be no going back from tonight, and it seemed that was what she wanted.
But he’d kept his thoughts to himself as Kelly fussed around him and shooed him out of the flat. To have protested would have been a point to her in the ironic game they seemed to be playing. And if there was one thing he wouldn’t do it was let this infuriating, unreasonable woman know that she’d gone one up.
And now here he was, in a restaurant with Olympia, knowing that somehow he had to pass the night in her bed, because just who did Kelly think she was to goad him like that?
‘I always knew this would happen at last,’ Olympia said, smiling at him, two little candles reflected in her eyes. She reached over and took his hand in hers, giving him a front row view of her glacial beauty. Jake had to admit she was stunning. Her black silk dress was low cut, revealing the swell of her breasts, magnificent and tempting. Her hair was arranged in soft, fluffy curls, that danced about her face whenever she laughed.
She’d looked that way once before, on the night in Paris, when he’d been able to think of nothing but seducing her. He remembered the fierce temptation. If she hadn’t led him to her room when she had he might have seized her and possessed her right there on the floor.
And then, when her door had closed behind them, and the great moment had come-it had all died. Because Kelly had been there, waiting for them. In reality she’d been hundreds of miles away, but somehow there too, watching him with so much love in her eyes that his heart had failed him. But she wouldn’t be around to spoil things for him tonight, and Jake watched the curls that danced around Olympia’s face.
Olympia’s fingers gently caressed his hand, promising magical things to come.
‘There’ve been so many obstacles keeping us apart,’ she murmured. ‘But we were bound to overcome them. Didn’t you feel that too?’
‘I guess I did. I haven’t had a clear head for a long time-’
‘My dear, I do understand. It must have been such a terrible shock for you. And not being able to work must have driven you crazy.’
‘That’s true,’ he reflected. ‘Not my usual kind of work, anyway.’ He gave a self-mocking grin. ‘I’m becoming a dab hand with the vacuum cleaner.’
‘I’m sure you’re making the best of it, but the nightmare’s nearly over.’
‘What nightmare?’
‘Being trapped in that place with the “little woman” fussing over you, never giving you any peace.’
‘The little woman is usually too busy with her college work to fret about me,’ he said wryly.
‘That’s what she lets you think, but you know what she’s really after, don’t you? She wants you back.’
‘Not her. She never wanted me there in the first place.’
‘Oh, darling, don’t be fooled. It’s all an act.’
‘Well, it’s a very funny act, then. She cares about college and her baby. I’m just there on sufferance.’
‘That’s what she lets you think, but the bottom line is that you’re there, living with her, just as she wants.’
Jake looked at her curiously, wondering how one human being could so misread another. ‘It’s not like that at all,’ he said. ‘Kelly’s left me behind. She’s changed; she-’ He stopped because Olympia had given a delicate little yawn. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Darling Jake, I want to concentrate on you tonight, not Kelly. I’m sure she’s a dear little soul, and of course I’m grateful to her for taking you in and being a good nurse, but it’s you that’s left her behind, whatever she likes to pretend. What do you think she’d do if she knew that you were with me now? She’d go wild with jealousy.’
This left Jake in something of a quandary, since a gentleman could hardly tell a lady that he was planning to sleep with her at the urging-practically the orders-of another lady. Man-like, he took refuge in cowardly silence.
‘You’re right, we shouldn’t be talking about her,’ he said hastily.
‘What time is she expecting you in?’
‘She-er-knows I’m going to be very late.’
‘Well, it’s probably very good for her to get rid of you for a night.’
‘What do you mean by that?’ Jake asked, more sharply than he’d intended.
‘Have you thought what a strain it must be for her, looking after you when she’s pregnant?’
‘We look after each other,’ Jake said firmly.
Olympia gave a tinkling little laugh. ‘What a charming idea. But I’ll bet she does most of the work. At least, I hope she does. She’s probably stretched out on the bed right now, getting a much needed rest.’
She’ll be stretched out on the bed, all right, Jake thought. What I want to know is, where’s Carl?
He pulled himself together and seized the champagne bottle. ‘Have a little more champagne, darling. You’re looking glorious tonight.’
She gave him the serene, self-confident smile of a goddess accepting tribute, and squeezed his hand. Jake reminded himself that he’d been out of action for a long time, which was doubtless the reason for a mysterious sense of unease that was haunting him. He returned the pressure of her hand and looked deep into her eyes, thinking of the night to come. But inside him there was only a mysterious and terrifying blank-as blank as Olympia’s eyes. How could a man look deep into eyes like that? There was nothing behind them.
He had a feeling of moving through a dream as they toasted each other in champagne and left the restaurant, finding a cab at once. As they sat in the back Jake tried to pull himself together. A man who’d made a decision should get on with it, without hassle. He took her into his arms and she melted against him, all fragrant femininity. How cold her lips were, he thought. He could feel his heart pounding and tried to believe that this was passion, but somehow it didn’t feel right. The lights outside the cab seemed to be whirling past at a tremendous rate. He crushed Olympia to him, pressing his lips against hers in an attitude of urgency.
Olympia lived in an elegant apartment block in one of the more expensive parts of town. As they crossed the vestibule Jake felt soft carpet beneath his feet. The lift was grey and mirrored, with faint piped music overhead.
Her home was like the woman herself: exquisite, modern, with nothing out of place. As soon as the door had closed behind them she slid her arms about him again, murmuring urgently against his mouth.
He did what was expected of him, kissing her fiercely to blot out the absence of anything behind the kiss.
‘Your heart’s thumping,’ she whispered. ‘You really want me, I can tell.’
He made a throaty, inarticulate sound that she could interpret as she pleased. Whatever she thought, his body was dead and empty of desire. Cold sweat stood out on his brow at the thought of backing off a second time.
&nbs
p; ‘Come with me,’ she murmured against his mouth. ‘I’m going to make this a really special occasion.’
She unzipped her dress and allowed it to fall to the ground. Jake fixed his eyes on her charms, hoping desperately that something would happen soon. But nothing did, even when she pulled off his jacket and began to work on the buttons of his shirt.
She took his hands and guided them to the fastening of her bra. His fingers worked mechanically until the clasp gave and her breasts were free, swelling heavily against his fingers in a way that should have inflamed him to madness. Instead, it was like touching plastic.
After this there would be no way back to Kelly-no way back-
Suddenly Jake felt himself falling. He clutched the wall and stared about him, wondering where he was, and what he was doing here with this woman.
‘Jake?’ Olympia’s puzzled voice came from a great distance. ‘Are you all right?’
He wasn’t all right. Nothing would ever be all right again. The whole world was moving now, whirling, spinning him into a void. Everywhere was darkness, but nowhere was the darkness worse than in his mind. His surroundings, the woman he was with, what he’d been about to do, all seemed horribly futile.
Olympia was grasping his shoulders, staring into his face. ‘Jake! Jake, what’s the matter?’
He couldn’t answer. He was shaking violently and now he knew that the pounding of his heart had nothing to do with desire. It was fear, horror. The sound increased until it filled the world, a deafening echo, full of the bleak tones of despair. This was more than the dread of a man trying to make love and discovering that he couldn’t. He was lost in a howling wilderness from which Olympia had no power to rescue him.
He struggled to take deep, gasping breaths, but he was suffocating. It was like being pulled towards a black hole. An immense force was drawing him ever closer to the moment when he would be tossed into the hole for ever, sucked down into madness. He fought as best he could, but he seemed to have no strength left. It was pointless to fight when there was nothing but fear and misery in the whole universe.
‘Jake, pull yourself together!’
Somehow Olympia’s voice penetrated the fog about his consciousness. She was shaking him.