Antinoos and Hadrian

by R G Berube

  Hadrian was of fair skin. His face and arms turned red in the sun. I often applied salve to his body when he would burn, and I marveled at the power of his muscular thighs, the hardness of his lower back, and the tenseness of his neck and shoulders. His stomach was like stone. Sometimes he would stand and urge me to throw my fist into it as he watched and laughed as I recoiled as though my fist had met a wall. He was taller than average. This gave him the appearance of supremacy when surrounded by heads that were all below his. As I neared manhood this attribute became a worry to me as I grew tall and near matched his measure.

  He wore a beard and kept it closely cropped and well barbered. His hair was always carefully combed forward and on his brow, he wore it curled. His dress was never anything but functional when in travel. He wore the toga in Rome but quickly shed that for something less formal whenever he escaped the place. Rome was not pleasing to either of us!

  My heart aches! These recollections sharpen memories dulled by centuries. I hear his voice, sense his touch, and smell again the aromatic essence that was solely his. He would recite the verses of the ancient Greeks, and in them I could hear his soul calling for a return to those ideals. The Hellenistic love of line and simplicity of thought produced such a wonder of the race that he ached constantly to be back in his favored city, Athens. It is this place that offered so much happiness in the few years we spent together. Free from the scrutiny of those insufferable Latins, we enjoyed the

  freedoms so available from the Greeks and their wonderful ways. There, our love was honored. That I was Greek , was no small part! The prospect of a visit to that city was enough to make the Emperor as lightheaded as a child.

  He had friends in Athens. And his projects of reconstruction were of utmost importance to him because he believed that by revitalizing the city, he could revitalize Greece itself. He sought to bring together the many independent city-states by energizing Athens's cultural traditions and building anew several structures that, in recent centuries, had gone into ruin. He took the uncompleted temple of the Olympian Zeus and enlarged its proportions so that it became the largest temple on Greek soil. The site for this development of temple, baths, and public buildings was located near the River Ilissos. On its banks were several other lesser temples. To the east of the huge structure, an arch of beautiful dimensions marked the separation between the ancient city of Theseus from that of the new city of Hadrian. He had great hopes for this once beautiful nation, now but a specter of what it had once been.

  It was in that city that I was to embark on a journey that would lead me to the gates of the underworld and back. The mysteries of Eleusis took hold of my mind and soul. I came to understand that life is nothing compared to dimensions outside of time and space. We shared these mysteries together. Hadrian joined me in a blending of spirits that bound us closer than life itself. No physical love could match the awesome power shared in our experience within the great hall of the Telesterion at Eleusis. Demeter and Persephone became companions in my search for everlasting life, and with them in my heart, I met rescue in the Nile waters. But that is yet to be told. For now it is sufficient to state that we became more than what we were, after the sacred rites. The months to follow would not have been bearable without the gift of Eleusis. I could have found nothing of the kind in Rome!

  We remained

  My youth was caught up by his power and magnificence. Only in time did I come to see the human aspects of his being and understand that his need for power and control was necessary. It would come between us. But in the early years his attention and the love I felt for him and from him, made me search within myself for the excellence he always sought in others. In those days we journeyed to Marathon and paid homage to Theseus, of whom Hadrian saw in himself, a reincarnation of spirit. Marathon was the home of Herod Atticus and it was with him that we stayed while there. Atticus possessed great wealth. He assisted the Emperor with his plans of redevelopment, making large sums of money available to fund the imperial projects.

  Standing beside the burial mound of the 192 Athenians who fell in battle in that great conflict between the Greeks and Persians, centuries past, I felt lifted to a strangely peaceful realm. Such an aura of sadness filled me for days afterwards, that I could not bring myself to leave. Seeing that I was preoccupied, Hadrian organized a hunt into the foothills and only then, did I detach myself from the troublesome thoughts, these to become more and more a part of my nature. Understanding his concern and knowing that my temperament was infecting the party, I was able to lift myself from it and enjoy the countryside and the chase.

  There were evenings, beneath the Attic skies, when we sat and listened to the silence and when the wind was right we could smell the sea and the port of Piraeus. He would study the heavens

  and read what the gods had to say in them. Those long nights of silence gave me such comfort that my happiness seemed to so full that it could not be sustained. As he would plot his charts by lantern light, I would hand him the instruments of that work, which I had come to know. Although little was said between us, our being together was enough to fill the space with what our hearts exchanged. I would sense his peace and see his joy and feel supremely elated at the knowledge that I was the source of it. Sometimes our hands would reach out and touch and this would sustain us for hours. This ecstasy too often would be broken by the insult of Rome. The Emperor had carefully chosen apt and able administrators to carry on the work of state. However proficient these officials might be, he was expected to return to Rome for the business of the Senate and for other occasions which required his presence. These were intrusions on our languid sojourns! Hadrian would return to being Emperor, and I would return to being Antinoos, the upstart Bithynian who was also a catamite bent on corrupting the he of state! How joyful were thewagging tongues. How quick they were to persecute!

  But all this came later in our relationship. It was at a time when I had risen to prominence beside him as an amici, no longer considered a famuli, the simple page kept to the side to attend the hounds and horses, as I had once done. Critoneo had once told me that my destiny was set. I understood little then, of the degree to which it became so. Again, my thoughts race forward and the chronology to which I intended to adhere, has run awry.

  Chapter Nine

  Fortunes

  We followed the coast along the Adriatic, the sea having been named after the ancient lineage of the Emperor, stopping first at Arimium and then, Ravenna. This town, once a settlement along the banks of a lagoon, was made prominent by Augustus when he developed the port of Portus Classis approximately one league from the town. It was the base of the Roman Adriatic Fleet. From Ravenna we went inland heading northwest to Aquileia, built long ago as defense against the Celts, but now a major trading center. The marauding tribes had been pushed farther west. Our business in Ravenna had something to do with the Emperor's private holdings and our stay was brief.

  Several days passed between our first night together and the next meeting. In the interim I became concerned about my position and function in Sabina's party, knowing there would be another summons from Hadrian. He had said nothing to me about meeting again, but I knew it would happen. My nightmare returned and each time, I knew it as a forecast of my destiny. I came to understand the forces that were tearing me apart. This revelation came one evening as I sat beside Filiniana, as we polished pieces of silver and gold dinnerware. The other boys had been sent to collect firewood for the braziers, in preparation for a cold night. The sun set early in the hills, and darkness fell at an unordinary hour. The surrounding mountains cut short the light of day by several hours, and it seemed that we were always breaking or setting camp in darkness. Fortunately these times were minimal, as much of our journey was paced so that we went from one post to the next within a day's march.

  We were to enter the region of Pannonia the following day. It had been a long and tedious march through rugged country. The heat had been particularly intense and unseasonable. All were exhausted
, but there was to be a reception for the regional prefect and some officers of the army, the following day. It was decided that the time would not allow for proper preparation. We took advantage of the few hours before sleep, to ready.

  I was not in a talkative mood. My mind had been preoccupied with thoughts of Alexamenos. I missed him terribly and felt a yearning for his closeness. I had noticed Filiniana watching me. We had been together much of the day and she had probed me with leading questions about my encounter with the Emperor, I was reluctant to answer. Now in the quiet hours, with the sound of the wind in the hills and the flickering shadows of the campfire, I became less guarded and almost hypnotized by the mood.

  “You know,” she said, her head bent over the jeweled cup she had been polishing with a chamois. “There is a heightened interest in you. My Lady had approached me several times to ask if you have made mention of the Emperor.”

  “Is she angry?”

  Suspecting that my career as a page was coming to an end, I was curious and worried about Sabina's questions. Surely the Empress could send me away with a quick dismissal. Would Hadrian respond? Would he move to keep me near?

  Filiniana nodded her head to show that my fears were ungrounded.

  “She has long been aware of the Emperor's inclinations. You are not the first in whom he has shown interest, nor will you be the last! Antinoos, his dalliances are of little threat to her. Her position is secure and Hadrian will do nothing to diminish her stature in the eyes of the people. I am sure that her curiosity lies in knowing the kind of person you are, and how you are reacting to this sudden interest. She closely follows those boys with whom the Emperor develops emotional attachments. They have a direct bearing on his moods and how he perceives everything else around him.”

  I had been aware for some time that Hadrian's marital relations were less than blissful. It was common knowledge among the boys of the paedagogium because so many had been summoned to his bed. But something else was also understood. None of them lasted but for more than a few encounters. He soon lost interest. I was not the only topic of such gossip on this journey. Lucius Ceionius Commodus was a nobleman who, for years, had been a close confidant of the Emperor. He was also known as the Emperor's sometime-lover. Lucius was of high rank, educated, and filled with the kind of self-confidence peculiar to the rich, a quality admired by Hadrian. This man hardly took notice of me during the Pannonian journey, but it would not remain so.

  The fact that Lucius Commodus was with the Emperor was what surprised everyone. He seldom accompanied on these journeys that Hadrian was so fond of taking; many on a moment’s notice. Lucius was too fond of the gaiety that Rome had to offer to tear himself away from it. But apparently this time he had been told to come. There was speculation about the reason for this command and Lucius, most of all, was curious.

  Much of what I relate of those times, is clearer now. I was but a child filled with wonder and confusion and little was clear to me then! Clarity and purpose are gifts which come with time and retrospection. There were forces at work so powerful that I could do little to influence them. These powers were tuned to my being and spirit; I had little effect in changing them even if I wanted.

  I stopped my work, feeling a need to confide. Filiniana seemed to know much.

  “What about this Lucius. Is he not close to the Emperor? Certainly his position would be of concern to her?”

  Filiniana kept her head lowered and spoke quietly.

  “Lucius Commodus will be the next Emperor.”

  I had heard this rumor, but never spoken so bluntly and forthright.

  “You know this for sure?”

  She tilted her head just enough to catch my eye and at once I understood why her words had been spoken so softly. Her eyes scanned the room and with her finger she gave me the sign to silence. Although no other was in sight, we were not alone. There were hidden ears everywhere. To speak as we were doing could easily have been considered a serious error of judgment.

  “I read the leaves in this cup. They tell the truth.”

  “What, you are a seer?” Knowing well that she practiced the art of fortune telling by a number of ways. One of them was reading leaves left in teapots.

  Filiniana laughed silently and returned to her work, but not before she laid a hand on mine and patted it.

  “Being naturally naive becomes you, Antinoos. But it does not fit well when feigned. You know very well about these things. I'm told you have more than a passing interest in the mysteries.”

  It surprised me how much she knew about me. I had only told Critoneo and Alexamenos of my practice of foretelling and magic, something I had begun to learn from my uncle, just before being taken from Bithynia. But my skills were rudimentary. It would be under the tutelage of masters of the art which Hadrian kept close by, and of Hadrian himself, that I would improve my knowledge. From this skill, in later years, I began to see the eclipsing of my powers of youth, and other forces leading to my demise. For the present, I had to rely on the abilities of others to read beyond the shadows of mere speculation. I supposed that Critoneo had informed her, as she was to fill his position while I was away from the paedagogium.

  My complexion blushed at being caught, and I looked away.

  “You are even more appealing when you look as you do right now; like a child caught stealing sweets.”

  “Filiniana, why do you say these things to me all

  the time? You have absolutely no candor!”

  “Trust is built on honest words. Secrets breed contempt. Antinoos, I have been told that there are things in your future that must be carefully coordinated. You must realize that your place, here, is not by chance. Someone who cares for you a great deal is taking pains to make sure you are groomed to fill a high position.”

  “Critoneo?”

  ` I knew that Critoneo placed mush faith in me and his hopes for my gradual ascension in the palace circle of pages was his major concern. He saw, in me, someone who would fulfill a long-time wish that he had sensed, of Hadrian's wistful longings for a companion in happiness. Time had finally presented him with one whom he thought might be the chosen.

  To my question, Filiniana nodded affirmatively.

  “He holds you in high regard. I have instructions to keep you from harm's way.”

  “But where is all this leading?” I wanted some clear understanding of my destiny and felt that there were those who knew, but I was not one of them.

  “Filiniana, tell me the leaves.”

  She looked away for a moment. I could see by her reaction that I had asked something to which she did not want to answer.

  “Please help me. Tell me something about what is to happen to me. I feel like a piece of driftwood at the mercy of the waves and tide.”

  “It is not my place to do this thing.”

  I was becoming frustrated by her evasiveness.

  “Am I less important than Lucius, then? Why would you cast his future and refuse mine? I will hold what you say in the greatest confidence.”

  Filiniana put down the utensil she had been cleaning, and moved closer. She extended her hand and waited for mine.

  “We will not use leaves.”

  She turned my hand over and brought it into the light of the nearby lamp, and looked closely at my palm.

  “There is much to tell, here. You must promise to keep to yourself, whatever I find. Say nothing of this to anyone, especially not to Critoneo. He would have me immediately removed from service if he knew what I was doing. He wants nothing to interfere with your innocence.”

  “But he's told me himself that there have been predictions about me. Only a week ago, he advised me to be cautious of my actions. Critoneo said the gods had chosen me.”

  She shrugged. “Those were Hadrian's words, I am sure of it. He was repeating what he had been told. Be still now and let me do my work!”

  Filiniana looked at my palm for a long time, tracing the lines and wrinkles with the tip of her fingernail. Her hands were wa
rm and soft, and I found myself liking her touch. With her head bent in study, I could look down at her without her noticing, and I took note of the silken hair that formed a dart at the corner of her brow; how her lashes moved like butterflies as she stared intently at my hand. I sensed the blush on her cheeks and marveled at how her lips glistened in the pale light. I soon found myself lost in the beauty of her face, having forgotten the purpose of her work, and hoped the moment would not end. But, her words brought me back to the realization that something had stirred in me that was foreign. Yet it had felt exciting. A peculiar lightness somewhere in my stomach and the flutter in my chest, took me off guard, and when I found that she was looking at me, I blushed.

  “Antinoos, what is it? You look as though you were about to run away. Are you afraid?”

  Filiniana continued holding my hand, which, by now, felt as though it were on fire. The heat of the room had become oppressive. Sweat beaded on my brow.

  “Are you well? What is it, Antinoos?”

  Confusion made my head reel. Shortness of breath made me want to escape. I felt foolish, unable to move, like something inanimate; a bumpkin with no sane thought in his head faced with the need to react but not knowing what to do. There was a trace of a smile on Filiniana's lips, as though she knew something I did not.

  “Shall I tell you what I see in your hand?”

  Her words and eyes were directed to our hands, now enfolded, and the sensation of her flesh against mine made me long for her. I yearned for her to hold more of me. I wanted to touch her with my lips. I was aroused and knew that it was visible.

  “Yes", my mouth spoke the words but they were not the ones in my mind.”