by R G Berube
She was about to speak, but we were interrupted. A guard entered and stood above us, staring at me.
“Are you the Bithynian called Antinoos?”
“I am he.” My heart pounded with an anxiety of not knowing the reason I was being sought.
“Follow me,” he commanded, reaching within his cloak and displaying the broach I had been given as a pass to the Emperor's quarters.
“Gather your things, I will wait outside. Be quick about it, boy!”
The guard left us alone and as I searched for my cloak, I felt myself stumble over whatever was in front of me, almost as though things purposely put themselves in my path. It was Filiniana who finally came to my aid.
“Here,” she said, handing me the cloak and my sandals. “You are going to one of the forces in your dream; one that will cleave you in two.”
Her words were so sinister that I felt compelled to question her more, but she pushed me out the door.
“Much is yet unfinished, Antinoos. We will have our time. For now, you must not keep your Emperor waiting. This hand shows such deep emotional involvement that it is difficult for me to understand. I will need more time.”
I stood in the cold night air, pulling my cloak about my shoulders and followed the man as we wove our way about the encampment. Various sounds came from the tents we passed. Laughter and talk was mingled with the sound of fighting and argument. From some came the sound of snoring and from others, the sound of sexual passion. I was glad that my embarrassment was hidden by the darkness.
“Something you'll be doing soon enough,” the guard said, tossing the words back to me in a suggestive tone. “I can see why he finds you so appealing. I wouldn't mind having my way with you, lad. Come, give us a little before the Emperor takes his due..., little enough that it will not be missed.”
As he turned to make a move toward me, I darted past him and left him in the darkness. I found my own way to Hadrian.
Chapter Ten
Alliance
The mountains were of shadows and the glades were thick with moss, their silence filled the spirit with imaginings of creatures not of this world, resounding with their music and dance. There were enchanted places that I took every opportunity to find whenever we stopped for a rest or hunt. Sometimes we traveled through territory inhabited by the most deprived peoples who obviously had just enough to sustain themselves. To require subsistence from the people as we did throughout the territories we traveled would have truly been an injustice. Hadrian, always aware of the needs of his subjects, would call a hunt that would put food on our tables and he always left some supplies taken from our own stores, behind.
Women and others of the party, who did not hunt, went into the countryside to gather berries and other foodstuffs. The Emperor and his officers would often return with boar, deer, and fowl. Once, they arrived in camp with that great, woolly animal which I have seen with my own eyes walking on hind legs, standing as tall as three men. The bear was a prized pelt. The Emperor had several.
Once having crossed the high places which ran from the German Alps south to the sea, we came to the plains of Illyricum. We shed our woolens. The sun was again abundant as there were fewer mountains to hide it. We traveled northwest across many streams which fed fertile valleys, and these were rich and productive. Our destination was the outpost of Siscia on the River Savus.
So much of the country reminded me of my own land of Bithynia where the hills were green with pine and various conifers, and the air smelled of the ocean far in the distance. Moments during the day would be filled with thoughts of my mother and father. My heart yearned to see them again. I was saddened by the realization that we seldom appreciate the warmth and love of those who give it freely, until it is no longer.
Melancholy filled my days, as the days were but of meaningless chores and I ached for something more. My mood fed itself and it became deeper still. I ate little, and whenever possible, went off by myself to those quiet places in the countryside. An edge of anguish stirred resentment in me that was directed at Hadrian for making me feel so loved and attended to when I was with him, that the absence of that attention made me lonely and anxious.
He would send for me at odd times when I did not expect it, and because there was no plan to our meetings, I constantly waited his bidding and was constantly disappointed.
Since the time that Filiniana had looked at my hand, I avoided the still-unanswered question of my destiny. I recalled the sensations that night. The feelings had confused me. For as much as I avoided contact with her, I found myself ever-running into her. Sometimes I felt myself being powered by forces beyond my control. She said little. Her smile was constant. Mine was edged with embarrassment each time she caught me looking at her.
One afternoon several weeks into the journey, Filiniana and I were instructed to set out for salmon from a nearby stream. Augusta had a particular taste for the fish, and it was told to me that they were not difficult to catch, as they jumped almost willingly into the baskets.
The narrows where the fish were most easily caught was located far down a steep bank where rough water made the air sound like thunder, and we could hardly hear ourselves speak. The stream raged through this channel as it fell from above, and the white water caused by the cascade made communication impossible. We spoke with our hands as we climbed precipitously over rocks slick with algae and weeds, skipping from boulder to boulder across the torrent. A fine mist was everywhere and we were soaked to the skin. Our clothing became transparent, and offered little warmth. We were all but naked!
From afar I had seen the forms of these fish jumping high in the air as they attempted the steeply graded stream, and their effort was impeded by the force of the water flowing in the opposite direction. It seemed such a monumental task, that I was struck with awe and respect at the fortitude required to make the climb to the more placid waters where they could spawn without fear.
Within a half hour's time we had obtained three baskets of fish, and tired of the effort. The baskets were heavy and it took some time to carry them back across the rocks and up the bank. Once done, we were both exhausted and chose a patch of ground nearby, exposed to the sunlight and there, laid to rest. We spoke little, trying to catch our breath. My body was covered with sweat. Filiniana glistened with moisture. Without a word, she stood and removed her tunic, exposing herself from the waist up. I sat riveted, unable to believe she had done it. Filiniana faced the wind and let it pass over her, her hair fanned by it. I could not avoid looking at her breasts, the first I had seen other than my mother's. But what child remembers nursing? Filiniana's breasts were small and the nipples, large and dark; firm and slightly turned upward.
She turned to me and held out her hand. I came. She unfastened the cincture to my chiton and I let it fall. My body was covered with goose-flesh and this, in turn, excited me further so that suddenly, my penis stood pathetically obvious beneath my undergarment. She said nothing and continued holding my hand. We stood for what seemed like forever, saying nothing and having no need to break the silence. I soon became comfortable and lost my shyness altogether.
I moved on impulse and led her to a patch of ground pillowed by needles from the nearby trees; aware of my anxiety at not knowing what it was that I was supposed to do. I imagined myself with Alexamenos but that thought became more of an intrusion than a help. Filiniana sensed my confusion and took the lead, slowly removing the last of my clothing. Following her example, I found myself in strange territory; touching unfamiliar parts and feeling alien urges.
It is difficult to define the difference and although my passion for her was as forceful as those I had felt in the past for boys and men, something about the quality of it left me feeling with a marked separation from my emotions. Filiniana played my body like an instrument and I responded with enthusiasm. We filled ourselves to the brim like drinking cups of wine, each measure heightening an understanding of some hidden place within my soul that I had not known before. Suddenly I became
self-conscious of my immaturity when I compared myself to her. Ten years my senior, she had hair where I did not. I felt like a child beside her, and in fact this was what I was.
My body, still fleshy with the fat of childhood, had not yet reached the stage where a boy begins loosing flesh to muscle. There were only slight signals of that coming-of-age, and those were barely noticeable. My privates were not as small as those I had seen on boys my age. In fact I stood out among them. But I was still hairless. My chest was broad and at this time, I had breasts of my own. This would change as I matured and when I became an athlete, but for as long as I remained an ephebe my somewhat feminine lines were a bane to me. I would come to realize that these were the attributes that had first attracted the Emperor. He liked the young look; the soft and voluptuous body. For as long as I had that my position would be secure. When I began to lose my youthful look, destiny ordered a different path. But that is yet to come!
The gentle girl beside me was an open flower that had invited me with her beauty the way a rose invites the bee with color to come into her and taste her nectar. At the moment when our excitement reached a mutual peak I felt, like no other time, what it was like to be a man. It would be in the coming years that I would realize being a man only remotely relies on the role a man plays in the act of sex.
Filiniana became an addiction! I would seek her out everywhere, and find any pretext to follow her so that we could love together. And when her ardor and passion did not compare with mine, I sulked and accused her of not caring. She would charge me with such longing that it seemed my loins would never cease to ache. I thought of her constantly. This period coincided with a time when Hadrian had left the train to venture further north, where the hills rose sharply and the snow was said to remain for much of the year. The Emperor would rejoin us in Siscia.
My services to the Empress began to take on slightly different requirements as time passed. These duties brought me in closer proximity to Sabina Augusta. She took careful scrutiny of everything I did. She watched me constantly and this made me nervous. But her attention was not touched with anger. It was more the kind of interest found in someone inspecting a new-found curiosity, where careful turning and exposing of the thing reveals its true nature and all its facets. Filiniana urged me to be patient when I complained of it to her.
With each day passing Sabina became less intense, or so it seemed. Perhaps I simply adjusted to it. She assigned me to care for her two great mastiffs. These huge beasts snarled at everyone, including the boy who had been their keeper. But one morning as I was delivering a basket of fresh figs to the Empress' tent, I found the dogs lying in the shadows of a corner of the room; their heads lying on their outstretched paws. I had not been in her private quarters before and therefore had not met the dogs directly. They were said by all, to be vicious and unfriendly. As soon as I saw them, my apprehension caused me to walk carefully across the room. As I did, each followed me with their eyes, but not one made a move toward me. Only after I adjusted to the light did I see heavy leashes attached to the collars.
The Empress motioned me to set the basket down and to approach her.
“You're the Bithynian?”
“I am Antinoos, my Lady. There are several others from my country.”
“But those others are not the object of my husband's fancy. I know who you are!”
Her tone had been curt. As she spoke, she watched the dogs, then looked at me again.
“Boy, bring the bitch to me; the one with the mark on the muzzle.”
This command sounded like a death sentence. I froze to the spot and could not move. I envisioned reaching for the leash and being torn to pieces by those terrible looking creatures.
Sabina clapped her hands and ordered me again. I walked slowly toward the animals, carefully aware of the least movement toward me by either of them. They remained still. To my amazement I was able to unleash the bitch and she followed, after sniffing me carefully and licking my hand. I led her to the couch where the Empress reclined.
Sabina's face was no longer stern but now softer, and she smiled.
“Well Bithynian, you seem to have a way with them. It is strange that neither of them reacted toward you. They like you, boy.”
The bitch pulled at the short chain, wanting to go to her. Sabina nodded approval and I released it. The dog rushed to the couch and the Empress stroked the animal as she continued to speak.
“It seems that they have requested you. Could you be responsible for them?”
Without a second thought I heard myself accept her challenge, realizing I was being given a position of responsibility that had many implications. The dogs were Hadrian's favorites and he traveled with them almost everywhere, but had left them behind this time because of the excessive cold of the north country. Sabina knew the dogs would increase opportunity for more contact with the Emperor and wondered why Augusta was offering me this position if she already knew the Emperor's interest in me. Surely, it seemed, placing me closer to him was not something she would do deliberately?
“Then you will be reassigned to my immediate service. Your duties will begin today. You will be instructed by one of the guards as to what you will need to know about the animals. They are terrible and ferocious in spite of what you think. They are also, it seems, good judges of character!”
Sabina dismissed me with a wave of her hand, but not before she offered me the basket of figs and invited me to help myself to them. As I turned to leave the bitch pulled away from the Empress and came to me. I felt confused, not knowing what to do.
“Walk her,” said the Empress, smiling. “And when you return, you can walk the other. Two of them at once would be too much for you at first.”
I left elated, with the bitch pulling me along at running-pace. It was all I could do to hold on. Her great paws plowed the earth leaving furrows behind as we made our way to the road where it would be easier to walk and away from the others.
Chapter Eleven
Pannonia
The third week after our departure from Rome we reached Siscia. It had been an outpost of the Empire, but had grown to a formidable town with a mint that supplied the region with the necessary currency to do business with its neighboring countries. The River Savus was deep and wide at other points, but narrower at the location of the town, making it a likely site for crossing, and therefore necessary to defend. The Roman fort was staffed with mostly native troops from the northern regions. The Imperial Party was lodged in a large complex built for this purpose years ago by Hadrian when he had been serving in the area.
The days took on a different routine from the ones to which I had become accustomed. I began to spend much time out of doors with the dogs. I learned to control them with techniques of command. I was taught grooming, although having learned this skill while serving in similar capacity at the Imperial Kennels in Rome. My great mastiffs had not been kept there, but at a separate kennel of their own, closer to the Emperor.
I grew fond of them and they, of me. We began to chase each other across the fields each afternoon and soon, they grew to the habit and would begin to pull at their leashes as I led them there, each with the force of horses. I came to manage handling both at once, as they became more responsive to me and obeyed much of the time. Once reaching the fields, they became their own masters. It was I who was chased by them, knocked to the ground and dragged about like a child's doll. They never hurt me but I would often come from the exercise with torn clothing, covered with dried saliva and mud.
It was on such an afternoon that I became aware of someone standing in the distance watching us as we raced across the meadows. Suddenly the mastiffs stopped, sniffed the air, and were off in the direction of the stranger. By their reaction I surmised that there was only one person for whom they would react with such enthusiasm.
Hadrian waited until they reached him, then stooped to pet them as they ran circles around him. He led them slowly my way. As he approached I became somewhat concerned about
my behavior with the dogs, not knowing to what extent I should have exercised them and whether he would disapprove. The Praetorian in charge of the Emperor's kennel had not been specific, and he had not noticed the heavy running I was allowing because I always groomed them and returned them fresh.
I fell to my knees. Hadrian lifted me with his hand, smiling as he did so.
“So it is you, doing this to my dogs!”
The manner in which he made the statement confused me, as it sounded accusatory but his expression was friendly.
“Have I done something wrong, Lord?”
“On the contrary lad. You have done it well!”
With his hand on my shoulder he led the way to a shaded spot beneath a tree where we sat.
“I noticed, upon my return last night that my dogs seemed more lean and muscular. When I asked, the keeper told me of a new boy who had been assigned to them by the Empress. It surprised me that she became involved. My dogs are something with which she would not ordinarily not bother.
“So, little Bithynian, it seems that fate has again brought you to me. Seeing the way you were playing with them just now, it is obvious that you are enjoying your work.”
“I do,” I said, at a lost for the proper etiquette in this most unusual meeting. But I pressed forward, lest he think me simple. “I have been pleased with the assignment. I trust I am doing nothing to harm them?”
“It would appear that you are doing everything correctly, Antinoos. They have never looked so well. And how about you? How have you been doing in my absence?”
He looked at me coyly and by the manner of his smile, I knew there was something more to his question.
“Waiting anxiously for you to come back, Lord!”
Hadrian slapped my thigh and kicked at the muzzle of the sire that now tore at his boot for his attention and play.