by R G Berube
“And how anxiously was that, boy?”
“Daily, I hoped to see you. Being with the dogs somehow made me feel closer to you. I know how you feel about them. It is the reason for my excitement with this assignment.”
Had I been older and more discreet, I never would have admitted my heart in so bold a manner. As it was, I simply spoke the truth and this in turn made him become more serious.
“How do you feel toward me, Antinoos? Come, speak with the same honesty.”
I looked at the ground, unable to stand his piercing eyes. They looked into the depths of me and laid me naked and at his mercy .
“As one devoted and filled with love.”
My words were almost whispers. It was the first time the mention of love had passed my lips but not the first time the emotion had been in mind. I blushed. He lifted my chin with a finger, his face now only inches from mine. His eyes spoke of gentleness and caring.
“And this love..,” he urged me on. “...what is its quality? Is it like what you feel for..., Critoneo perhaps? Is it the love you felt for the other Bithynian with whom you shared your lodgings? Is this love like the one you feel for the slave, Filiniana?”
I was struck dumb by what he knew. Perhaps the Empress had become aware of my relationship with Filiniana through some indiscretion of speech, a word uttered to some servant and related back to Augusta. I remembered that there were indeed ears and eyes everywhere. And now the Emperor himself knew. I felt guilty and repentant.
“Yes Antinoos, I know of this affair. Don't look so frightened. You think me angry?”
“Are you not?”
“Listen to me, boy. You have done nothing wrong. In fact you have done exactly what I would have done in your place. This slave Filiniana, she is beautiful and I applaud your fine taste. I also applaud you for testing the waters. At your age one should know that to sample the pleasures only means that through this, a more careful and qualitative selection and choice will be possible. You like her?”
“Yes, I do.”
“You still have not answered my question about the quality of this love you say you have for me.”
All the while we had been speaking I had been twisting my fingers in my hand and sometime biting my nails. There were two fingers which were usually bloody from this awful habit. Hadrian took my hand and looked at it. He turned it over carefully and inspected every part of it, especially the palm. I wondered if he was looking for something of the nature that Filiniana has sought in it. But then he let my hand go and pointed at the two fingers.
“If this habit of yours is still in evidence in a week, you will lose this assignment with the dogs.”
His face was serious and his brow, furrowed as he spoke to me, every word spoken with force. He was angry. I hid my hand behind me.
“No use hiding it. Habits like that are signs of the world of your emotions. They give you away. There will be no more of it, is that clear”
“Yes Lord.”
I had no doubt that I would stop, given his mandate. I hated the habit and detested myself even more for having given in to it.
“Good,” he softened. “Because if it has not stopped, I'll have the two fingers cut off!”
His stern look as he said the words slowly turned to a smile and I realized he had no such intention. But I knew he would remove me from the post with the mastiffs if I did not keep my promise.
“Well then,” he said, standing to leave. “Get on with what you were doing. I have business to attend. Would you come to me tonight?”
I was speechless with the request, never expecting his invitation so soon after his return and that it had been a request, not a command.
“I will come whenever you call, my Lord.”
“Yes, others have said the same thing Antinoos. Never make a promise when so little is in your hands. In any case I will see you this evening and be prepared to answer my question which you have successfully avoided. Until then, be well!”
Hadrian bent forward and kissed my lips. Unable to move, I relished the feeling which lifted me to high spirits. As he walked away I had to restrain the dogs until he was out of sight. Then we ran across the fields like we never ran before, my heart and soul flying high like the white clouds that sailed past, and even higher still.
In these times I began to understand the gradual movement of my importance to him, but I had no thought of grandeur. This has been overlooked by those who have passed judgment; those historians far removed from the times and circumstances. Centuries give license to speculation. I was of an age and from a region that believed in the power of the gods and destiny. It is in our power to become privy to the future by the proper use of soothsayers and incantations. It is difficult to change and influence history, but I believe it can be done.
Of my own destiny, I believed myself blessed to have come to Hadrian, lifted out of a mundane existence of some by-way of the world that is nestled and protected in its comfortable little valley, surrounded by hills that held back the flow of time. This backwater, midway between the sea and the Sangrius River kept at bay the life of Rome, and a part of me longed for that quietude.
Each day brought its own content. I tried to face each with an open mind, growing to the idea that some power had chosen me to fulfill a designated destiny. There was no need for me to question any of it, for the stars and those more knowledgeable than I had foreseen things that I could not. I accepted their opinions and these seemed to be reinforced by the Emperor, who knew from the start that my star was bound to his. In years to come we would roam the Empire and receive from mystical sources, omens which would parallel my dreams and confirm my part in his destiny.
Even at the age of fifteen I knew my years were numbered, limited by the speed and times in which I traveled. It was with this in mind that I came to Hadrian, facing the inevitable. It was also the reason for loving Filiniana. Those things which occurred in the natural process were not to be resisted. Each incidence of life has at its apex, a lesson!
I went to him. He loved me and I returned his affection with joy. His manner was gentle and his hands, soothing. The strength of his body was restrained by his concern for my age and experience. Our lovemaking consisted of caresses and kisses. His passion peaked and mine soon followed. We remained quietly in each other's arms for a very long time, without words, absorbing the sensations of contact. Then he turned on his side, propping me up with pillows, and began to ask about my childhood and family. He inquired about my three years of training at the paedagogium. Hadrian was curious about my relationship with Alexamenos.
“You have fallen in love with two, then. One a boy, the other, a woman?”
He had experienced this duality in his own life.
“I've given little thought to the difference. In my homeland these things are quite common. Love or the attraction to either sex has little significance. The only issues raised is that when a boy becomes a man, he is expected to marry and have children to carry on the family. But this does not seem to be the custom, in Rome. Men attend to boys but it is a strained behavior not looked upon favorably.”
The Emperor stood and walked naked to the basket containing a wine jar and several fresh and dried fruit. He brought these things to me as though he were the servant and I, the master. I felt extremely uncomfortable, wondering if this was something I should have thought of myself. I moved to help, but me motioned me to remain. So I sat, cushioned in splendor, watching the magnificent body of the Emperor, still stunned by it.
“There is much about the Roman ways that I disapprove. I long for the customs and attitudes of your country as well, Antinoos. Much of my youth was spent among the Greeks of Athens. They have a very different view of life.”
Hadrian spoke in a whisper as though his words and the memories they represented, would be destroyed if spoken too loud. I knew by the intensity of his mood, that there was much in his own childhood for which he yearend.
“There will be much to do in days to come, Antinoos. Do not anticipate my
call. I may not have the liberty to see you when I want. Be patient and do your job well. Above all, be discreet. Say nothing to anyone who seems to ply you. Avoid gossip. Be pleasing to the Empress, listen to her counsel. For as much as she hates me, she does understand her role as wife and fulfills her responsibility to it, expertly. I admire her resoluteness. And I am told that she likes you.”
I must have looked surprised. He looked at me and laughed.
“You wonder why this is? She sees you as a dalliance! She is much more impressed with your abilities and to be sure, has watched you for some time. In the palace, there are no secrets.”
He skillfully redirected me to my own narrative of Bithynia. The lateness of the evening and the wine he had given me, soon worked its spell and slumber overtook us. We slept soundly. I awakened only once to experience a wonderful feeling of being fully enfolded by him, his lips pressed against my neck as he slept.
In the morning I was escorted back to my quarters and little more was said. There seemed to be an imposed silence by those around me who had, in the past, had many curiosities about what transpired on these meetings with Hadrian. Life went on as though nothing had happened, and he did not send for me for some days. But he did have me stand by him on several occasions, at evening meals, holding the dogs as he fed them.
I began to find myself more often in his presence. And always, even when he was busy with others, he gave me a touch or kind word. It was at this time that Commodus, who had joined us after we left Rome, took to objecting to my presence.
Lucius Commodus was handsome. He had been a close associate of the Emperor and was treated more like a son. There are some who claimed it was so. His every wish and whim seemed to please the Emperor and was granted. I was not aware of the specific aspects of their relationship at the time of the Pannonia journey. I only knew that there was something between them that went beyond mere friendship. Lucius perceived me as a threat. He disdained to have me near and often slighted me whenever the Emperor was not present, and continually reminded me by his demands and orders, of my station.
It is the passing of centuries that allows me to analyze and understand that Commodus saw in me, elements which he could not find within himself. Those were the qualities the Emperor found so appealing in me and bonded our love. Commodus objected to my lack of forwardness, my sense of commitment to the Emperor, and my reluctance to befriend those of the court who, when I became more prominent, sought my attention and solicited my favors. There were those in that group who were sent by Commodus. He objected most violently to my naiveté, accusing me of feigning it.
He was a nobleman by birth. My social status was that of freeborn. My absence of high station was something he chose to point out to the Emperor every time the opportunity arose. For all that he had at his disposal, Commodus resented those few liberties with which Hadrian favored me. Once, when Hadrian instructed an officer to take me under his wing to teach me proper horsemanship, Lucius Commodus remarked that it would be better if I learned on the back of an ass as that would be more in keeping with my abilities. On that occasion Hadrian turned and spoke harshly to him and reminded him that he too, had fallen several times when he had first learned to ride, and that his fear of the animal had once caused him to soil himself. That silenced Commodus, but only temporarily!
We followed the roads across southern Pannonia. The weeks became a month, then two. From Siscia we traveled to Andautonia and then back to Siscia after hard riding to outposts and settlements which the Emperor wanted to revisit. This region had been his responsibility under Trajan's reign, and some of the places held memories.
I accompanied the party because the dogs were taken. Hadrian had called me to him two days before departure and had confided that the dogs would not be needed, but would be taken so that I could accompany. It was an affirmation that he wanted me near and I began to sense the seriousness of his attention.
The cortège was limited to a select few officers of the regions involved, and to those who would attend the Emperor. Lucius could not avoid the journey and for as much as he despised the whole affair, I loved it. The Emperor saw the contrast in our dispositions and chided Lucius several times to pick up his enthusiasm and pointed to me as an example to follow. I disliked his reprimand of Lucius, as it put me in even more opposition to the difficult man.
Also present was an army of civil servants who never seemed to eat or sleep, but moved about with tablets and records, letters and official documents and seals. These were the necessary tools for the business of court. The empire did not rest because its Emperor was
away from Rome. Daily communication was maintained with the Imperial City.
Back to Siscia, we took on the remainder of the Imperial Party and continued the journey, moving southeast to Cibalae and then on to Sirium and Tarunum. Finally, at the juncture of Savus and Danube rivers we based at Singidunum, where the Legion III Flavia controlled the confluence of the two waterways. There we remained for another week as Hadrian conferred with architects and builders of an aqueduct which would provide plentiful water to the growing settlement. He also ordered plans for a temple to Mitras, God of light and manly valor. This deity was a favorite of the army and its cult initiations tended to bind men and give them added strength, while serving in the regions where loneliness and long hours of duty were required. It was while there that I was initiated into the lower grade of the six levels. My designation was that of soldier, with the ascending order of gryphon, lion, raven, sun-worshiper, and father. It was the first of numerous mysteries we would experience together. The most deeply moving of these, I would take at Eleusis, in Greece.
Our course took us southwest along the tributaries of the Danube, into the northern regions of Moesia and then due-west through mountainous country and eventually, to the plains of western Dalmatia and the Adriatic. Barges were waiting at Risinium. The boarding of the entire party took two days, then we had to wait for the tides to be right for sailing. Hadrian spent much of his time conferring with officials of the town and was therefore too busy to attend meals. Sabina Augusta organized a celebration in honor of some local deity and entertained the wives of several dignitaries with whom she was acquainted. I was requested for service and once more came under the scrutiny of her. I was there not by chance! We did not speak but her eyes communicated, and I understood that I was still in her good graces.
Having been gone three months, we returned to Italia. To my surprise it was like coming home! I looked forward to seeing Critoneo and my friends. I was highly anxious to see Alexamenos and hold him again. The memory of Alexamenos being close and against me was ever present and sometimes I dreamed about him, waking with fear that he had been an illusion and not real flesh and blood. This expected reunion was tainted by an apprehension I could not understand. There was a sense of foreboding. Much had happened in our absence that I was anxious to relate to him.
Chapter Twelve
Campágna, Spring - Summer 127 A.D.
Rome!
Never has there been another city with which to compare it. Although other cities reached greatness and splendor, such as Antioch and Alexandria, even Athens when at its height, Rome stands alone. It was a monumental world power. The essence of its vitality was exemplified by its marble overlay. The city's true materials of wood, stone, bricks, and mortar lay beneath the marble, gleaming sheets of white and rose stone that gave Rome its appearance of elegance and splendor.
I do not remember a time when new structures were not being built, and the streets were not humming with life. Days were filled with the sounds of the stoneworker's hammer and the nights, with the clatter of wagons supplying the materials needed; and of those hauling in the produce, dry-goods, textiles; everything required by a city. Because of the daily throngs in the streets, it had been long ago outlawed for wheeled vehicles to be found within the city limits at any other times than those specified during late night hours. Only the fire brigades and ambulances were permitted.
The city grew as the population increased, so too the buildings to house them. The insulas of the section of Rome known as the subura were notorious for their continuous fires caused by the kinds of materials used. Although the lower levels of buildings were of stone, the upper stories were usually made of wood, the material being lighter and allowing for increased height without causing collapse. Wood meant that they were more prone to fires started by hearths and lamps. Hardly a day or night passed without the sound of alarm and the sight of flames or smoke rising above the city's skyline; another domus aflame, making way for its replacement. It became necessary to pass legislation regulating the materials and dimensions of buildings, as unscrupulous owners and contractors were prone to use stuff of lesser quality to increase profit at the cost of human life.
Not all building was private. Much of it was under public finance such as roads, temples, shrines, sewers, aqueducts, parks, and fountains which were seen everywhere. This building boom reshaped the city's profile and extended its intricate layout of streets. This activity aided and abetted the vitality of Rome and required armies of workers, engineers, architects, and all manner of trades necessary to maintain such projects.
Upon our arrival from the journey to the northern and eastern regions, we were greeted with the last pleasant breezes of late Spring before the intolerable heat of summer set in. I recalled the heat of the previous summer and detested the thought of spending another one in the heart of Rome. But this time, I was to occupy a room at the Imperial Complex on the Palatine. My status was dramatically changed from that of a page at the paedagogium, to having an assigned position at the Imperial Court.
This promotion did not bring me the pleasure I had expected, having returned to changes affecting more than my location and status. Upon my arrival to the paedagogium, Critoneo told me to collect my things. This turned the excitement of my good fortune into something just the opposite. He met me in the courtyard and signaled for me to wait while he concluded some business. I could see by the look on his face that there was something amiss. My imagination assumed all kinds of tragedies and one of them was that Alexamenos had been hurt. My anxiety rose as I waited. Finally, he motioned me to approach.