Antinoos and Hadrian

by R G Berube

  We exchanged pleasantries and then Critoneo informed me that Alexamenos was no longer in residence. He had been sent to Spain in the company of an officer assigned duty there. They had met at the palaestra and something of an affair had occurred between them shortly after I had left. At his return to duty, the officer had requested Alexamenos accompany him and he agreed. Critoneo said it was good fortune for Alexamenos and something at which he would excel, as he had not been well suited to civil service. I had to admit this was true.

  But the knowledge that there was little likelihood we would see each other again, put me in a foul mood. I pined for weeks. Having returned to quarters on the Palatine, and even though they were more grand and I was better situated all around, I still could not lift myself from depression. In our absence I had thought of Alexamenos and of how good it would be to return to him. I felt the loss!

  I sought comfort in Filiniana, who understood my sorrow and seemed not to mind being to soften my pain. The intense passion of our first days had tempered into an understanding, and we each sensed within the other, the time when loving would be best. She came to know my limited capacities. More often than not, we held each other and little else occurred. The relationship became one in which two friends occasionally sought sexual fulfillment.

  With her help I muddled through the hurtful weeks until ache turned into memories of someone once loved. Like a new bloom cherished for its beauty and remembered in spite of its eventual demise, I held to the memory of his deeds, words, all of who and what he was. He was a part of me and I could have him without loss. I know that Alexamenos, like Filiniana, crossed my path because it could not have happened any other way. There is use in joy and pain!

  Activity at court increased because of two events having great significance. Before we had departed for the journey the Emperor had accorded Sabina the title of Augusta. This had the effect of solidifying the image of felicity between them. It was imperative that concord exist, and something had been needed to turn public opinion in his favor. Hadrian had been neglecting her, they said, and the masses were criticizing him because he seemed less a husband than they would have liked. He was seen in the company of Commodus, often at his elbow where Sabina should have been.

  The celebration of this honor was delayed until after the northern journey. It was his way of making the event less than what it could have been. She shared the times and excitement with a monument! After many years of lying unfinished, Hadrian completed the temple begun by Marcus Agrippa in Augustus' reign. It was a huge structure with a magnificent dome which was open at its apex to let in the sky and the sun's light. This Pantheon held statues of the major gods, and its

  Purpose was for the solidification of worship. He never ceased in trying to unify the many factions and dogmas of the vast empire.

  The celebrations were cause for two days of ritual and I followed events on the fringe, having been enlisted to run dispatch of the many communications exchanged between the Emperor's aids and those carrying out the actual final preparations at the site. The wondrous structure was of Hadrian's design and one not favored by Appolodorus, the court architect. Hadrian ignored the man's reservations and ultimately proved his ability by the fact that it still exists today, having survived the centuries, admired for its uniqueness.

  It was by Hadrian's command that I was given these duties. It was his way of bringing me into closer proximity and of giving me more responsibility.

  Sabina's honors were not to compare with the importance of the Pantheon's. Its objective was to symbolize unification of spirituality. And she, in a mood that struck out at anyone near, railed about the palace, her voice could be heard above the din of the forum, cutting the air with a sharpness that must have been painful for Filiniana. Augusta became a shrew, something not fitting to the image of the Empress! We were each suffering our separate afflictions and so Filiniana and I nursed each other through the difficult days of my loneliness for Alexamenos and her mental and sometimes physical abuse as a result of her close proximity to the tempest.

  The storm clouds passed and the state of officiating of the building succeeded in making Hadrian most cordial, after many days of continuous occupation. As soon as he found a few moments to rest, he sent for me under the guise of accompanying him and the dogs, for a brief interlude in the countryside.

  Following the Via Appia out of the city's limits, we were soon in the campania, where lush villas dotted the countryside. It was the same road I had traveled from Ostia when I had first arrived. Being less struck with awe, I was now able to more fully appreciate the sights. All along its course, Via Appia was lined with monuments and tombs on each side. Remnants of this splendid spectacle can still be seen. Small and large, these monuments were built according to the wealth and position of those whose names are inscribed upon them. They were so dense in some places that they obliterated the scenery and acted as a continuous wall that steered the flow of traffic. Here and there, fountains and grand gardens in which mausoleums stood large enough to hold ten men standing atop the other, marked the road like mileposts. At a number of junctions, hawkers had erected stands that dispensed various viands, vegetables, and a multitude of other necessities one might find wanting in voyage.

  Via Appia traced the undulating hills and in some places, followed long stretches of straight-way where on each side of the road planted fields stretched to the horizon and vineyards covered hillsides. There were few in our party. It was evident by the presence of the Praetorian Guards that the Emperor was in attendance.

  Passengers on the road cleaved a path as we came near. Some fell to their knees in homage. Prepared, Hadrian reached for his purse and dispensed coins to those of obvious poverty and to some who were infirmed and aged. Once, he stopped the caravan when he saw an unkempt woman with an infant at her breast, moving through the crowd, begging food. Leaping from Borysthenes, he spoke to her for some while, taking the child in his arms and cooing it. The woman, awe-struck, lost her tongue to speak. Finally Hadrian instructed one of his aides to accompany her back to the city and see that she was provided with food and a proper lodging, and given enough money to last her a year.

  After an hour of riding we reached a lane that branched to the right and led to the estate of Salvus Julianus, a jurist who Hadrian used as counsel and in whom he had great trust. Another half hour brought us to the villa, a lovely place nestled in the foothills with streams, forests, vineyards, and wild and domestic animals that ranged freely throughout. The dwelling looked modest. The interior belied an unpretentious exterior, with room after room of beautiful mosaic floors and walls, rivaling the Palatine in splendor and beauty. One could see much thought had gone into its plan. Hadrian had had much to do with the design, and from this wonderful villa he incorporated plans and ideas for his own villa at Tivoli some miles east of Rome. They both had the same love of the East and incorporated similar motifs.

  This brief time in the country remains in my mind, the quintessence of ideal togetherness. For it was at this time and in this place that the genius of our love merged and bonded. For four days we were unencumbered by the usual bevy of minor dignitaries constantly seeking his attention. He had given full responsibility of governing to his aids and had instructed everyone that short of a catastrophe, he was not to be disturbed. Julianus, sensitive to Hadrian's welfare, knew he needed rest and would find pleasure in a hunt.

  We approached the villa in the evening dusk, emerging from a wooded area into a little valley ringed by low-lying hills. The last rays of sunlight touched the tops of three columns of a little temple dedicated to Dionysos, in the distance. This beautiful chapel sat atop a hill marked by two stately cypress. The setting so caught my fancy, that I immediately fell in love with the site and returned to it many times. Whenever Hadrian could not find me, he would seek me there. He duplicated this place at Villa Hadriana, but I did not have the same feeling for it.

  Salvus Julianus grew as fond of me as I, of him. He was of assistance when ti
mes became difficult, near my end. Love and respect existed between us that many tried to erode, but could not. I think there were times when Hadrian felt jealousy, yet he understood the nature of the relationship. It was not a threat. Hadrian could not abide with the thought of not receiving all my time and attention. His jealousy was limited to the time we were together, and these were to grow more frequent as our relationship expanded and grew deeper. But in the beginning I was much on my own to do with my time as I pleased, as long as the dogs received good care.

  It was Salvus who cautioned me about the intrigues of court, in the early days when I knew nothing of such things and believed that anyone's friendly word was a genuine reaching out for friendship, and not due to ulterior motives. Dear Salvus gradually replaced Critoneo as my confidant, as my position changed. Critoneo had done his part and we parted friends, often seeing each other and reminiscing of the fond memories and the frightful early days of the paedagogium. Hadrian trusted Salvus. This in itself was a great honor as few met the test for his trust.

  ` For those in whom he confided, Hadrian demanded the strictest of loyalty. The Emperor, unlike others before him, held the power of the Empire solely in his hands. History had shown him the foolhardiness of letting prefects, representatives, advisors, and a host of other court flotsam gain control of the state while the purple was exchanged for rose and lavender or other festive or ribald decoratives. The reign of Hadrian was truly his own until almost the end of his life. Only when he grew tired of living and immersed himself in memories at his villa, did he relinquish the helm.

  Salvus' villa became a retreat for which we each yearned, in the intervening weeks in Rome, or away on journeys throughout the East and North. Like no other place, Villa Pacé soothed our souls and cemented our union more solidly. Salvus' purpose had been to create a haven of tranquility, and he had succeeded.

  After we arrived, I proceeded to unpack my few belongings and arranged them in the little room to which I had been assigned. Although this place had a shelf for sleeping, I could see by its sparseness that the Emperor did not intend for it to be anything more than a room to keep my things.

  The Emperor was quartered in a wing that had been built by Salvus expressly for that purpose, yet it too was sparse. The splendor of Villa Pacé was defined by its simplicity of furnishings and cleanliness of lines. Little shrines set into the walls contained statues of some of Hadrian's favorite gods and other replicas of pieces he had seen in Greece. A large mosaic set into the floor of his bed chamber, depicted the celebration of the Saturnalia, an ancient Roman festival honoring Saturn, god of harvest. Saturnalia was cause for feasting and the exchange of gifts. The custom and remnant of the celebration still exists in the form of a holy day observed by Christians of your own age. But in my time, the holiday often took orgiastic overtones and sexual excesses was the theme; fecundity celebrated the fertility of the land. The mosaic was resplendent with scenes of fornicating satyrs sporting erect penises, accosting lads who appeared to be equally engaged. It served us well!

  At meals, I took my place discreetly to one side of the hall, at one of the couches some distance from the ones used by the Emperor and those close to him. It was not yet my time to be by his side. But there was no doubt to any, that my function was not that of servant, but that of guest. I had expected to be asked, as one of the several in service, to function as attendant. The seating was arranged in order of prominence. There were few at the function who I knew. They began to arrive after sunset. Some were from nearby villas and others had come from the city and would be quartered for the night. Much of what was said was beyond my comprehension or interest.

  I kept myself as inconspicuous as possible, eating little because much of what was served was strange to my palate, and I had no inclination to the stuff. The menu will be understood if the reader is familiar with Trimalchio's Banquet in Petronius' Satyricon. Although so many things looked splendid and well done, eating little field mice was something repulsive to me no matter how well they might be dressed! My tastes were simple and did not run to the rich and elegant foods that were part of Salvus' fare. Hadrian was more at home with a meal served to the troops than the ones served to the elite of Rome. My manner apparently matched my provincial tastes.

  Chapter Thirteen

  In His Shadow

  The evening progressed well, all having been carefully planned by Salvus. I, slowly becoming touched by the wine, took heed not to imbibe too much. The excellent vintage needed little water. Salvus never lowered the quality of his wine as the night wore on and as his guests' palates became less discriminating, especially in the company of the Emperor.

  Salvus sat his favorite and lover, Gracchus, at my side. The boy was the son of a free-man who supervised the estate, and was older than I by two years. Tall and lean with deep, piercing eyes and a smile that immediately captivated me, he appeared quite comfortable in these surroundings, apparently having partaken of such festivities many times. I, was unaccustomed to it.

  Gracchus liked me. He probed me with questions about myself, and as the wine took effect I opened to him and the most friendly atmosphere prevailed. We laughed together. I was aware of Hadrian's attention and could see he was happy that I had found a friend. Gracchus was learned but unaffected, not possessing those pretensions so often seen in boys of well-to-do families of the Roman aristocracy. These, filled to the brim with alleged knowledge that in actuality, has very little to do with problems and solutions in the real world.

  In the center of this joyous and convivial evening, Lucius Commodus arrived unannounced. It was a breach of etiquette that remained unnoticed because of Commodus' friendship with the Emperor. He was received with a hearty welcome as he joined the Emperor at his couch.. It was the first time that I became aware of the degree of anxiety he caused in me. I realized, as I watched transfixed, that my hands were wet and my heart was pounding. Commodus' eyes slowly scanned the room as he involved himself in animated conversation. By the manner of his speech and the luster in his eyes, he had imbibed in his own share of wine on his way.

  “What is it, Antinoos?”

  Gracchus had noticed my sudden pallor.

  “Too much of the grape and not enough food, I think.”

  “But you've hardly drunk at all,” he said, looking to where my eyes were fixed.

  I tried not letting him know of my feelings of fear and dislike for Commodus. Gracchus would have thought me a weakling and our friendship would have been off to a poor start.

  “Is it Commodus?”

  “It is nothing,” I said, shifting position to face away from the scene.

  Gracchus leaned closer. “It is Commodus, isn't it! You dislike him?”

  “He dislikes me!”

  I had just spoken like a spoiled child and hated myself for the response.

  “And has he good reason?”

  Gracchus was beginning to irritate me. I wanted him to stop asking questions. But something about the manner that he asked and the gentle look in his eyes, told me he was only trying to be helpful. I softened.

  “I have given him none...” I snapped back, returning my eyes to where Commodus was still lying, feeling righteous in my resentment. Gracchus watched him also.

  “It appears the wolf fears the lamb,” he remarked. His gaze shifted from the royal couch where Hadrian was fondly touching Lucius on the arm as he was immersed in conversation, then back to me. I had noticed that all the while, Lucius Commodus had kept an eye on me as well, and it inflamed my resentment. I began to feel that all eyes in the room were directed on me, and could bear the scrutiny no longer. Without a word, I left the room. Gracchus followed. He caught up with me in the courtyard and took my arm.

  “Antinoos, you act poorly!”

  I shrugged him off, not caring if I shunned him. I wanted to be left alone and disliked the sudden shift of mood. I was at a loss for what to do. What was all this to Gracchus? Why was he so concerned? Remaining silent I walked away.

  “
You'll solve nothing by avoidance, you know!” Gracchus called me back.

  “You give the wolf his meal by doing so.”

  I looked up to the heavens. Stars filled the sky from horizon to horizon and I felt insignificant in the vastness. The moon, in its last quarter, had passed behind a cloud and the courtyard was bathed in shadow. The darkness matched that in my heart. The sound of wind in the branches of a nearby cypress, and Gracchus' presence pierced my sullenness with the realization that like the trees, I could bend to the forces without being uprooted. From the hills behind us I heard a wolf's cry and understood the loneliness of its call. Like me, we were each, creatures yearning contact.

  Gracchus' comment was suddenly made clear. I understood how Lucius might fear me, and resolved to put aside my meekness and make it clear that I meant him no more than the courtesy his station commanded. I had a right to the same. He would intimidate me no longer!

  “Come, Gracchus,” I said as I took his arm. “The lamb is not yet ready for slaughter!”

  Gracchus patted my shoulder and we returned, arm in arm, to the banquet hall. Hadrian's eyes were upon me as I entered. I smiled to him as we took our places. He nodded his approval and smiled back. By his action I understood that he had surmised the situation and had waited in expectation for my return. I sensed that I had just passed some kind of test.

  Commodus called my name, his speech slurred from continued drinking. The tone was threatening.

  “Boy, has the grape made you so ill that you need to empty your stomach in Salvus' garden? Perhaps this wine is too refined? You look pale, lad.”