Antinoos and Hadrian

by R G Berube

  “You grow bold, little one!”

  “I feel safe,” I said, reaching my arms around him and pressing my face against his chest.

  “And you wonder what is to become of you?”

  “Yes, Sire.”

  I moved away to look up at him. Hadrian, arms folded, looked serious.

  “Be the best of what you are and time will bring you more! Many would have you be what you are not. Keep counsel with your soul and remain true to it. No amount of wealth can buy integrity. Deep within, you will find a voice that can direct you. This is the essence of whatever spirits that have come from the nether world, and they are with you always; have been with you always, to guide and protect. You may even discover the means by which you can speak with them. There is no death! It is but a shedding of one cloth for another. And those who have gone on remain.! Their beacons are the stars.”

  I felt strangely familiar with him. Grandfather had voiced similar ideas, even to having shown me the portion of the night sky where it was foretold my star would shine.

  “Have you spoken to spirits, Lord?”

  “Deep within the bowels of the Telesterion at Eleusis I faced my spirit guide and began to find answers.”

  What questions would trouble one such as he! An Emperor with such power should have absolute control, I thought.

  “Do you still have questions?” I asked.

  “They never end. I am surrounded with uncertainty. The world depends on the Emperor to show responsibility and govern with excellence. There are many who would have me in my grave. A leader cannot please all. I must rule in the best interest of the realm, and not give way to the whims and passions of the few who think but of themselves.

  “Other nations have been brought under the yoke of Rome. They submit, but not willingly. Our enemies are everywhere and will continue to be enemies for as long as they are ruled by a foreign power. All these things demand knowing and understanding. I must rely on my advisors, but even these are human! It is from the gods and of those who speak for the gods that I need give ear.

  “Antinoos like most men I sense and fear my end! It is not death itself that I fear, but of what death will rob me. I resent it. I have begun much throughout the regions governed by Rome. Many projects remain unfinished, and even more have not been started. I am filled with plans for the renewal of near-dead cities, glorious places forgotten by too many who could have sustained them but thought only of their own aggrandizement.”

  It had been said that Hadrian had sought counsel from seers. I was aware of the use of oracles by rulers of the past. There were several well known places where such soothsayers could be consulted. Wars and kingdoms had been won and lost on the words of such as these. Suddenly he looked at me again and laughed.

  “And you wonder what is to become of you? Then we share the same question!”

  At this point we were interrupted by the arrival of Salvus and Gracchus. They had already taken the cold bath and so ran into the caldarium without stopping to greet the Emperor, but as they passed, hailed him as they jumped into the hot pool. Hadrian watched them, his arm around my shoulder, leaning against me.

  “This is what I like about coming here, Salvus...,” he said, taking me with him as he returned to the bath to join them. “You make me feel less the Emperor and more the friend. It is a fresh wind from the hot air that blows too often through the halls of the Palatine and the streets of the Forum.”

  “Your august personage is no less honored, my Lord!”

  As Salvus said these words he slapped water into Hadrian's face, and I was stunned. Hadrian laughed and sprayed Salvus with equal force. Soon we were all involved in the most horrendous but wonderful water battle and the slaves who had been instructed to remain outdoors, disobeyed and entered, fearing something had gone wrong. What a sight must have greeted them! The Emperor and a great man of the court with two boys, all involved in childish play, chasing each other from end to end. Soon our energies were expended and we settled down to laughter and coughing up the water we had swallowed.

  Hadrian and Salvus came to each other and they embraced, exchanging words I could not hear. I watched Gracchus as he sat with his eyes glued to Salvus and I could see the deep admiration and love he felt for the man.

  Salvus turned and touched Gracchus tenderly on the cheek.

  “We have need to speak,” he said to us. “Stay a while and enjoy yourselves. Play ball outdoors. The day is warm and you'll get some sun on those pale bodies. Meet us at the stables at the fifteenth hour.”

  Hadrian turned to me and bent to kiss my lips. I met him eagerly, feeling so much more than my sixteen years, but yet less a man than I wished.

  Gracchus and I were left alone. He slipped in and out of the water so that his head was submerged several times. This tall boy was darkly handsome with a sharp Roman nose that unlike so many others with the same feature, added to soft lines of his face to make him seem older than his years. I noticed how his body was matured and how the years of working the land with his father had eliminated any trace of childish flesh which I still had. His eyes, one slightly crossed but not so much that it distracted from his looks, seemed to command attention and this physical anomaly actually enhanced his appearance.

  He swam beneath the surface of the water to where I stood and grabbed my legs, pulling them from under me so that I fell backwards. We wrestled with each other like this for several minutes then rested at pool side.

  “Had enough water?” he asked as he raised himself to the edge of the bath.

  My fingers had begun to wrinkle and I saw that the heat had made my flesh flushed. When I pulled myself out and reached for a strigil, Gracchus laughed loudly as he pointed to my backside. I looked over my shoulder and saw that the print of Hadrian's hand was still clearly visible.

  “You enjoy spankings? You didn't look the part. I like them too, once in a while!”

  “I don't,” I protested weakly.

  “I won't ask why or when you received that,” he said as he began to scrape himself.

  I looked at him and smiled coyly. “Well, I don't care for it most of the time,” I said, touching the spot and feeling it still tender.

  We completed drying ourselves by helping each other with the strigil as it was a thing impossible to wield properly to get at all the places in the back.

  “Did you notice that Commodus is not around, this morning?”

  I had not and was surprised. It should have occurred to me for surely he would have made himself present at the bath so as to interrupt us!

  “Where has he gone?”

  Gracchus tossed his head. “He rode off early this morning before sun-up. I saw him leaving when I got up to piss. By the manner in which he rode it appeared that last night's wine still had not worn off, or that he had continued drinking into the morning.”

  “Was he very angry with me last night?”

  Gracchus began to dress after we returned to the anteroom, but then thought better of it and led me out into the courtyard of the palaestra.

  “You bettered him, and few have been able to do that! I was surprised he let you off.”

  I nodded. “Hadrian told me that Commodus would have been more aggressive but had restrained himself due to the Emperor's presence.”

  We began playing with a follis, trying to snatch the ball from each other to place within the hoop, secured high on the wall. Gracchus was good at this and I found myself working hard at intercepting his moves. His movements were graceful. I was impressed by the beauty of his body as he darted about, his longs legs, muscled and lean, carrying him lightly around the ball-court. He had the ball in his possession much of the time and I was simply a foil for his performance, so swift of foot and limb was he. Our bodies soon became covered with sweat and dust. Naked, we felt the vitality of the action and gave full attention to it so that conversation was halted for the remainder of the game.

  After the match we returned to the baths and washed quickly. I still had to care for
the dogs, who had been without food for some time. Gracchus followed and kept me company as I performed my duties. The animals were to come with us on the hunt and I wanted them looking as well as possible, so took particular care of their grooming. While they ate Gracchus and I sat watching them attack the pans of specially prepared feed with vigor.

  “Getting back to Commodus,” Gracchus said, knowing it was not a topic I enjoyed discussing. “You know full well the Emperor intends great things for him, and that he is also known to have been his lover and is suspected of still being his bed-mate at times. Lucius is also known to be somewhat of a rogue with the ladies of the court. It appears the man has varied tastes and habits!”

  These rumors had crossed my ears but I cared nothing for them or for the man they were about. Frankly, I saw little in Commodus that I thought attractive. He was loud, seldom restrained, overly brilliant for his own good, too fastidious in dress, and not very attractive although others thought otherwise. And he was vain!

  “I can only speak for how I feel about the Emperor and what I think he feels for me! I know he has a fondness and attachment to Commodus. But what Hadrian chooses to do with his affections is out of my hands except for where I am concerned. I love him and intend to make myself worthy of his respect and love. The Emperor surely will protect me from serious attack by this jealous man!”

  Gracchus looked serious.

  “The Emperor will let fate take its course. Even if he loves you as you say he does, and I do believe he loves you more seriously than any of the others, I think he will do little to prevent anything.”

  This concerned me.

  “Why would he not prevent these attacks on me? Why would Hadrian allow Commodus to treat me so?”

  Gracchus' answer is still vividly imprinted in my mind to this day! I can see, in the distance of time just how insightful and accurate he had been. I wish I would have been given more time to experience a fuller relationship with him. He was an apt student of Salvus' mind.

  “Hadrian believes that every adversity is a test. His most cherished friends know this and avoid at all cost placing themselves in positions which would require his intervention. And those who do, quickly come to learn that they must answer for their own actions and be responsible for them.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  The Hunt, Early Summer 127 A.D.

  The mounts used were not those we had ridden from Rome. Only Hadrian chose to ride the same, his trusted and much loved Borysthenes. This animal followed him on all campaigns and had carried him through numerous dangerous encounters on the battlefield, being as much a part of him as his limbs were a part of his body. With just a thought from Hadrian, it seemed, Borysthenes would follow the command.

  For the rest of us, we rode horses trained for the hunt by Salvus' stable master. The one assigned to me was a mare of high spirit who sniffed and stomped the ground at my approach.

  “Show her no fear, Antinoos.” Salvus called to me. “She will master you if she thinks you frightened.”

  My heart pounded and worry must have shown in my face. I knew Salvus was right and although anxiety was causing me to feel the need to urinate, I tightened the muscle and resolved to master my emotions. Taking a deep breath and allowing my shoulders to relax, I forced a smile that did not match the lump in my throat as I approached the magnificent animal with as much command as I could muster. It backed from me, shaking its head and flinging its mane about as it continued to dig the ground with its hooves. Hadrian watched silently.

  I knew Salvus had been instructed to assign me the mare. Reaching for the reigns, the animal swung its head around and tried to nip at my elbow but I moved in time to avoid its teeth. Still holding the reigns, I ran along its side and grabbed the edge of the saddle, leaping in time with its movement and hoisted myself onto its back before it could run from under me. Once done, I rode high above the ground, realizing the unusual height of its stance.

  The mare reared to throw me but I hung on, my legs pressed tightly against its side and I laughed at my success, calling to the rest, waving my arms about with the joy that I was still in the saddle. I felt a rush of excitement at the prospect of matching what skills Septimus had drilled into me with those of the mare, who obviously was accustomed to having its own way. This female would not best me!

  My resolve persisted and soon, the mare began to trot about the yard, settling to having me on its back. Suddenly I heard a roar of applause and realized that the farm hands, the Praetorians Guards who had accompanied us, and a host of others who had gathered to watch the spectacle with the likelihood of seeing the Bithynian trounced, found themselves won over by my success. Hadrian rode up to me and slapped me sharply on the shoulder as a sign of approval, the smile on his face enough to tell me that I had surmounted the first obstacle.

  Salvus had his land well stocked with game. The preserve set aside for this was expansive and its perimeters were edged with thick brush to keep the animals within. A natural forest, this space had been laid with trails that were often narrow and barely discernible to enhance the difficulty of the ride. Dense vegetation offered excellent refuge for the game, and we rode swiftly, leaping streams and hedges. Boar was to be our quarry.

  My steed, true to its good training, once accepting that I was master, followed my every command. Turning, slowing, leaping obstacles, it did these things almost before I gave it direction. I felt elated as I rode with the wind in my face, high above the ground, the animal and I moving as one. The power of the mare beneath me became my power.

  With Salvus in the lead, followed by Hadrian, I stayed close behind and Gracchus rode the rear. The hounds kept pace some distance ahead. Our objective was to locate a boar, wound it with arrows, and then follow it on foot, as it was its nature to seek brush for cover and this made the use of horses difficult. Once found, the death blow was to be given with a spear. The honor of tracking the animal, once wounded, went to whoever had struck it first. A wounded boar in the underbrush is a dangerous thing as it will lie in wait until one is almost upon it before it charges with its tusks, sharp as needles, aimed at whatever it perceives as danger. I had been well instructed by Hadrian the night before. It was my first hunt.

  Gracchus rode up beside me. We followed some lowlands between a ridge of hills on either side, heading in the direction of the setting sun. There would be perhaps an hour at most before the light would be too poor to continue and it was this pressing time that caused us to ride with speed to where the game would likely be found.

  “You did well,” he yelled. His face lighted with

  a smile. “She has not been ridden by many,” he said, pointing to my mount.

  “This was a conspiracy,” I called back, knowing he had been fully aware of the plan to pair me with the mare.

  “It was indeed.” Gracchus laughed.

  “But I could have been killed!” I argued weakly, feeling pride for having been tested.

  “But you were not!”

  He rode forward and caught up with Salvus, blowing him a kiss as he moved to the head of the group.

  It occurred to me that, although I was not killed when trying to mount the mare, injury was almost assured in what was to come. Yet surely Hadrian would not let harm come to me! But recalling Gracchus' words of Hadrian refusing interference when danger came to those who acted foolhardy, I resolved to use utmost caution.

  Ahead, the Emperor slowed, allowing me to catch up. I hailed him with a waive and bowed my head with respect.

  “I pay homage to you, this day,” Hadrian yelled above the sound of pounding hooves. He held out his hand and I reached to accept what he offered. It was a gold sovereign of substantial value. I later had it made into a piece to hang about my neck where it remains to this day.

  “And here is one you can give to Septimus for having done his work so well.”

  Hadrian dropped another coin in my outstretched hand.

  “I am proud of you, lad! You look like you belong on that mare. You like h
er?”

  My concern had been more in maintaining control and less about my fondness of her. But there was something of a kinship with the animal, for she was intimately associated with the event that I was sure had raised me in the Emperor's esteem.

  “I believe she may still have questions about my mastery, Lord. I feel somewhat in control and that she could easily run her own given the opportunity.”

  “Right you are,” he said, nodding. “That is why you must keep steady on her. Give her no leeway! Do you like her...?”

  I had to admit I did, and said as much.

  Hadrian smiled broadly and rode closer, reaching to pat my shoulder.

  “Then she is yours! Name her what you will.”

  I was taken aback by the gift. The mare was obviously a splendid animal of much worth due to her breeding. I learned later from Gracchus that Borysthenes had been her sire.

  “I am at a loss for words...,” I said trying desperately to refrain from crying with joy and appreciation.

  “Thank you, would be sufficient,” he called to me, laughing as he slapped me on the thigh. I was coming to learn that Hadrian was fond of slapping!

  I blew him a kiss. The steed beneath me was a throne and I was riding high and powerful, commanding everything about me. With energy coursing through me I heeled the mare and loosened the reigns so that she surged forward, leaving Hadrian behind.

  “Catch me if you can,” I called back to him.

  We rode the narrow trail with speed, dodging limbs. It is an exquisite feeling to be on an animal that becomes an extension of one's body. The resulting adrenaline flow sharpened everything around me so that all the world seemed supernatural.

  With my heart pounding, I could feel the flush in my cheeks as I sailed through the air without effort, the ground speeding by below me. Gracchus and Salvus had quickly parted to let me pass and Hadrian kept close behind. I rode like this for some while with Hadrian only two heads behind. Borysthenes could have easily passed me. But Hadrian kept him checked and allowed me this lead.