by R G Berube
Through extensive travels he made himself available to his subjects and his obvious generosity endeared him to all. He was most happy when traveling, seeing as much of the domain he time would allow. A creature of unrest, he tired of the Palatine and its ties to the throne. Thus, he gave intense attention to those whom he chose to surrounded him for counsel. The ring of amici was small; a select few who had been carefully screened for their knowledge, ability, influence, and loyalty. Acilius Attianus, Niratius Priscus, Salvus Julianus, Marcius Turbo, his great nephew Pedanius
Fuscus, the Caesernii Brothers, and his favorite, Lucius Ceionius Commodus; all shared in his fame and felt the weight of his demands.
I watched these men from my vantage, and saw them sometimes falter under the responsibility of their connection to Hadrian. He could be as gentle with them as a lover is to his beloved. He could also turn a lashing tongue against them for some mistake, oversight, or weakness. His moods were unpredictable. In the course of our early relationship, he was always patient and understanding. This, perhaps more than anything, was an ever-occurring aggravation to Lucius Commodus. Lucius took particular offense to Hadrian's gift of the little apartment at his villa. It mattered not that he had been the recipient of Hadrian's generosity for years, often receiving huge sums to bail him out of debts incurred by his flamboyant lifestyle.
For weeks, Hadrian talked about his hope of returning to the East. His soul, never at peace in Rome, yearned for the rocky coast of Attica and the mysterious allure of Alexandria. I could see his restlessness increase with each day that passed. It had been almost a year since he had returned from Greece and he ached to see its acropolis, to walk along the banks of the Ilissos and smell the fragrances of flowered hillsides blending with the Aegean breezes. He was also curious about the progress of the great Temple of Olympion Zeus, resurrected from antiquity by his own funding of the cost of its completion. It had been started by Peisistratos some time before 550 BC. and left unfinished. After seven hundred years, Hadrian intended to give it its rightful birth. I was not difficult to understand why he felt deeply rooted ties to that nation, having received his early education there. I noted the longing in his eyes, almost brining tears to mine, as he spoke of his plans to infuse the city of Socrates and Plato with new blood, and became charged with his zeal.
I recall a conversation that occurred one afternoon as we rode along the eastern hills bordering his estate. Hadrian had come from Rome that morning, having made the journey in a matter of hours to take the opportunity of an unseasonably warm February day. By his smile and the look in his eyes, I could see that the weather had not been the sole reason for his visit. We embraced each other and I knew that before anything else, we would make love. After giving in to our passions we quickly saddled Borysthenes and Catapult and made for the countryside, to a field where he had planted a new strain of grapes that he wanted to inspect.
The sun, at its peak, warmed the air and took away the crisp chill that had edged it earlier. It was wonderful to be out as I had spent much time indoors and the only exercise I had had were the walks I took with Antipas and the wrestling I did with some of the Praetorians with whom I had become friendly. The winter had made me flabby and I yearned to shed my woolens and don the pallium.
We rode side by side, each filled with the delight of being together again. I took note of his face having become sallow. There were signs of fatigue I had not seen before. His eyes, usually so piercing and alert, now seemed to lack their customary luster.
"Are you well, Lord?"
Hadrian had anticipated my question, sensing my concern.
"I am tired and there is no reason for me to be so. My schedule has not been excessive. The few hours that I am able to sleep have been, of late, wrought with dreams that disturb me."
He looked behind to see the distance between ourselves and the Praetorian guards, as though he did not want to be overheard.
"Three times I have dreamed of fields lying fallow. In the distance I could hear the sounds of wailing women, crying for their dying children, and I could do nothing. I suffered their eyes upon me as though I were the source of the disaster and their misery. This sign disturbs me, Antinoos. Already there is talk of trouble in Egypt, should the Nile not run its bank. It has not been a wet winter, as has been so these past several years, and there is fear. They hold me responsible."
"But how could you be held responsible so such things?"
He smiled, but there was little mirth in his expression.
"The Egyptians are a superstitious people, quick to lay responsibility on the shoulders of their gods. As Emperor, I am considered as such. They look to me to intercede against this five-year drought that has plagued them. It has forced me to look elsewhere for the grain that, in the past, has come from their fields to feed our Roman bellies. The provinces that have supplied us have done so at their loss, and we cannot continue to expect it from them. I must find another source, if Egypt continues with her lack of rain.
"You intend to go there?"
He would not remain in Rome during such a crisis, unable to let his appointed legate bear the brunt of the Egyptians' ire.
"I intend to go and do my best to reassure the people. I will also go to Syria and Greece. It will be an extensive journey! Are you willing to accompany me?"
In the previous talks of these excursions he had never mentioned my joining him. I had not pressed the question. I had hoped to be invited but had decided not to ask and thereby place him in a position of having to deny me if it did not fit his plans.
With the offer made and the question answered, I had all I could do to contain my excitement.
"Dearest Hadrian..." I said, having him believe that my tears were the result of the wind blowing against us as we rode. "... I believe myself capable of plotting to hide myself among the baggage of your caravan, to be with you. Truly I have ached to hear these words. It would be difficult to remain behind and face the loneliness of your absence for so long a time!"
Hadrian reined Borysthenes and dismounted. He raised his arms as I slipped from the saddle, into them. He took no heed of the guards. Our love was becoming too deep to hide.
"Antinoos, do you know how much I love never to ask for anything for yourself. I have peace, when I am with you. I too, could not think of this journey without your face to keep me daily company. I withheld from asking you to come until now because I wanted to be sure of the journey's actuality, and to discuss the matter with Sabina."
Hadrian saw my surprised expression, and laughed.
"Oh yes, we do talk about such matters. She will be in the Imperial party and it was necessary to speak to her about you, so no misunderstanding would arise. To my surprise," he said as he lifted me in his powerful arms and swung me around in a circle, "Sabina approved and informed me that it has been some time since I have been as cordial to her as I have been, of late. She attributes my good humor to the happiness I have found with you. She likes you, boy!"
"I am truly blessed," I said, bending close to kiss him on the lips.
"You'll he happy to know that someone else will be with you.”
The wink in his eye gave name enough.
"Filiniana?"
"Yes," he said, chucking me under the chin. "That girl misses you and was bold enough to tell me so. And why wouldn't she be starved for you, having tasted you pleasures! I sympathize with her, knowing the loneliness of an empty bed."
Hadrian had shown his love, and told me of his affection, but suddenly this declaration of desire caused me to blush with pride.
"Such is my fervor for you, little Bithynian. Yet, be assured that I have no objection to your relationship with this girl. I understand it. For now and the next few years, I have you to myself! Once you reach manhood, you will move on to other things as customs prescribe, and this Filiniana may well be there for you.
"In two days time a small party of the court will arrive here for a meeting to lay plans for the Eastern Journey. Until then, you b
elong to me!"
I wanted to laugh and dance all at the same time, and did so, grabbing his cape and encircling him with it so that he became entangled in it.
"Then you will not be returning to Rome, tonight?"
I had assumed that he would depart after the evening meal, as he had done before.
"Poor little Greek, you'll have to put up with me for three days."
"I would have you with me forever, Lord."
"How little you know of life, Antinoos! A time will come when you would have me away from you and be pleased for the space. The excitement of new-found love dulls the wits, and much of what we would never think to do or say, we do without thought."
"And will you want me to be somewhere else, as well?"
Hadrian seemed to take some time to think, then sighed and put his arm around me, turning me to him.
"Let us enjoy the time that the gods allow, Antinoos. They are fickled, and often take away that which they have given us to treasure. We have been brought together for a purpose. Let me love you, in my way. I will not betray you!"
His reassuring words put me in a less worrisome mood, and I felt like riding again, wanting to feel the speed of the run.
"Come," I said, leaping onto Catapult. "See if her sire is her superior!"
I raced toward the hills with Hadrian in pursuit. We rode like this for some time. Each time he would gain on me, I would give Catapult more freedom. She soon caught my spirit and ran like the wind, surprising me with her gait and speed.
I failed to look back, thinking only of keeping ahead. When I became aware that I could not hear Hadrian behind me, I looked to see where he was. Panic wracked me as I saw Borysthenes without rider, standing near the prostrate Hadrian, a Praetorian guard kneeling at his side. With my heart threatening to burst as it pounded against my chest, I rode back and this time, Catapult could not seem to gallop fast enough.
When I reached him, I saw the blood flowing from his nose and mouth; so much blood! his cloak and tunic were saturated with it. The Praetorian had balled a cloth and was holding it to the Emperor's nose, trying to stop the flow. Hadrian's face was deathly pale.
"Antinoos, ride and bring Marulla."
His words were spoken through the pool of blood in his throat, and the effort caused him to spurt forth more.
The Praetorian shook me. "Get going, boy!"
With as much control as I could gain over myself, I tried to keep my mind from racing with the thoughts that filled my head. I rode wildly back to the villa for Marulla, the physician who was in permanent residence at Villa Adriana.
I am amazed at how certain events can alter the perception of time and space. To this day I see myself as I did then, driving Catapult to her limit and yet, seemingly passing through the air as though it were as thick as cold honey, moving in a slow motion, each second having the feel of time unmoving. I finally located Marulla. It seemed he took forever to find his cloak and horse. I was so anxious to get him started that I wanted to push him along or slap his face to get reaction. We rode as fast as the old man could move and reached Hadrian half an hour after I had left.
When we arrived at the place he had fallen, I found him still lying there, holding the now saturated cloth to his face. His eyes were closed and when he heard me call his name, he opened them. I will never forget the forlorn look in those eyes! They spoke of a deep fear which seemed totally unnatural to him. My fears had been his own.
Marulla took his saddlebag and pushed the Praetorian aside as he set to do what he could to stop the flow. He mixed a concoction in which he soaked a twisted piece of batting and stuffed some of it in each of Hadrian's nostrils. He looked into the Emperor's mouth and inspected his chest after taking a knife to cut away part of his tunic.
"He has no broken bones," Marulla said, turning to speak to me. "Did he fall?"
"I was ahead," I heard myself saying, sounding as though I were being accused of causing the accident, which of course I felt I had. "I'm not sure what happened."
"He just suddenly fell from the mount," the Praetorian explained. "I was a short distance behind and I saw him slow the horse, then lean to one side. There he fell."
Hadrian breathed heavily. I had reached for his hand and held it tightly. I felt him squeeze it twice. He tried to sit up, but Marulla gently held him back.
"No my Lord, you must lie quietly until this bleeding stops! Guard, return for help and bring back a stretcher. He will need to be carried back."
Hadrian had suffered a hemorrhage. By the time we arrived at the villa the bleeding had stopped. He had lost much blood. It had been the second time in four days, it had happened. The first bleeding had lasted onlya few minutes and he had treated it himself without advising his physician. Marulla asked many questions and I felt that not all his answers were truthful ones. When asked if Hadrian had felt chest pains, he responded that he had not. But I recalled two times when he had, in the act of our lovemaking, put his hand to his heart as though it were painful. His face had shown considerable discomfort and when I asked him about it, he had ascribed the problem to the gas of a bad meal.
With great relief, I watched his color return during the following two days so that, by the time the expected party arrived, he was walking about and looking no worse for the experience. All who had witnessed the affair were sworn to secrecy. I was instructed by him to mention it to no one. That night, as I held him close as though out of fear of having him torn from my arms, I became filled with the sensation that each moment I was allotted with him was one deducted from a ledger kept by the gods. This made me keenly aware that each word, each movement, each touch was something to be cherished and held sacred.
I felt the warmth of his lips on mine and tasted the blood, as though his lips were as they had been that afternoon. I looked into his eyes and burned into my memory every line of his face. I wanted him permanently in my brain. I tasted him, relishing each place to which I put my lips. I opened every pore of my body to assimilate as much of him as I could. My love, still premature, was already boundless and so profound this night that it was as a fire consuming me. Lying beside him as he slept, I remembered my thoughts that afternoon as I had prayed for help, hoping the gods would take my life as an offering, in place of his.
A voice filled with anguish penetrated my sleep and I awoke with a start, realizing the sound was coming from Hadrian. He was in the throes of some nightmare. I sat up and took him by the shoulders, gentling shaking him from the dream into consciousness.
Hadrian opened his eyes and for a moment he knew not where he was, looking confused. I held him to me and he clasped me close as though this would prevent his relapsing into the terror he had escaped.
"Was it the same," I asked, remembering the dream he had related that afternoon.
"The same," he answered, his tone telling me just how desperately he felt enslaved by the vision. "But this time, it was worst."
Hadrian clung to me so tightly that I could feel his fingernails digging into my flesh; his body drenched with perspiration.
"They were there..., thousands of them..., women, all clinging to the corpses of their children..., the babies, little but bones covered with thin flesh..., mothers whose breasts were empty of milk needed..., eyes reflecting a hatred for my being the cause of their desperation. Antinoos, it was terrible! I watched as one woman began to eat her own child..., a fiendish sight..., a terrible thing!"
He moved to arm's length from me, taking my head between both hands and drilling me with his eyes as though, if he looked deeply enough into me he would find an answer. His words were filled with passion.
"She consumed the thing she loved the most dearly!" He was close to tears.
"The priests might be able to divine more of this dream and its connection to Egypt," I suggested.
He seemed in a faraway place within his own mind.
"There is more in this evil thing to which Egypt is answerable I do not know the answer, but sense something terrible is being for
etold to me by the gods. They speak and I must give ear and somehow find a way to avoid the actualization of these premonitions.”
I wondered to what degree these dreams might be connected with his bleeding. Knowing it would be a long day on the morrow, his rest was foremost in my mind. I induced him to lie down and with our sides touching and his head rested on my shoulder as I held him he closed his eyes and returned to sleep. He remained quiet until sunup.
Although I looked forward to seeing Gracchus after several weeks apart, I could not get my mind from being preoccupied with concern for Hadrian's emotional and mental state. I had stayed close to him and during the two days alone, had done little but walk and talk. I was able to induce him to early sleep, and late awakenings and this seemed to relax him as long as I was beside him.
One morning, in the early hours, I had left him briefly to relieve myself. Walking through the still-wet grasses, with a cool mist rising and drifting about my ankles, I was taken by the beauty of the moment. Loosing tract of time, I stayed for some while watching the first light break above the distant hills. From the vantage of the terrace outside his bed chamber, I saw the valley still blanketed in a fog that curled up and lapped the mountain sides far in the distance. Only the flowing of a nearby stream intruded in the stillness. The morning silence was cut by the sound of his voice calling my name. I went to him and found him again wet with sweat, breathing heavily, worried because he had found me gone. In his arms again, I heard his breathing calm and soon we were both asleep.
When I awoke, he had already risen and I found him sitting by the window working at some papers, his head held in his hand, deep in thought. I lay still so not to disturb him until he looked up and saw me waiting.
Hadrian's usual greeting would have been a smile and a sharp slap to my naked rump. But this morning, he came to me and sat on the edge of the couch, letting his hand rest on my thigh. I reached and took it in my own.