by R G Berube
To fight this fear I pushed the thoughts from my mind and strained to return to the moment; this wonderful moment of being together and knowing he needed me for comfort. Hadrian was master of his world and yet, I knew a part of him ached from a desperate need to love and be loved. The depth of the need generated the doubt.
"You ask for a response for which I have no answer, Lord. I can tell there is room in my heart for no other. Why do you ask me this thing? You make me fear that you know of some of the future that will cause this pain.
"Have you changed your mind about my accompanying you on the journey?"
This thought had occurred to me like a beast leaping from the shadows. In a moment I had convinced myself that it was the purpose for which he was preparing me!
Hadrian's face softened when he saw my concern.
"No, my Bithynian, I will not leave you behind. This would be like severing a limb! You will be with me, but there will be much time apart, I fear. The Empire is in urgent need of attention. There are Jewish factions in the East that test my patience. These parasitic peoples of Alexandria find nothing that we do, to their liking. I have allowed them freedoms which they have not had from other rulers. I have mandated that none who represent me, harass or deny them their beliefs and practices. I have granted them more leniency to follow their doctrines that has been the custom. Yet each extension of privilege is followed by other demands!
"They infuse others to oppose us and expect to be treated as a chosen people only answerable to their bizarre god of judgment and punishment. The State has struck down with swift blows those barbarians of the north who have challenged our borders. Why should these zealots be treated any differently?
"Yet I feel a reluctance. But if I show them compassion and tolerance for their absurd beliefs it will give them cause to see the State as weak, and time to pull together and strengthen their numbers when, at present, they are divided and unable to agree on almost every tenet of their doctrine.
"They force me to act, when I would choose to leave them alone. By their very nature they bring destruction upon their own heads and the heads of their children. These people have agitated all those with whom they have lived!
"Am I not a tolerant man, Antinoos? Why do they force me to move against them?
Hadrian spoke to me as though I held the answers. There was so much of what he said that I knew little about. The disharmony between the Roman and Alexandrian Jews always seemed to return to the same issues; whether they would be allowed to adore their own deity without their obsessive need to ridicule all other religions or doctrines observed by their neighbors, and whether they would be expected to bow and honor the authority of Rome.
"Indeed, Sire, no other ruler, from the knowledge I have of Rome's history, has been as temperate as you. Perhaps your physical presence will show these people that it is their leaders who force discord."
"This is my purpose, child. This is my purpose!"
Hadrian's reference of me as a child caused me a pang of impatience, for I was a child no longer. Was it his wish that I remain one?
I took his hand and placed it where he could feel the evidence of my having gone from youth to manhood.
"Do you see me still as the lad you fancied in Claudiopolis?"
He held me silently.
"I wish you to be, sometimes. Yet I see you for what you have become and wonder to what ends will it lead. My dear Antinoos, this sign of manhood is the least of measurements for coming of age. You have indeed fulfilled every expectation, and have become more! How I love you, little Bithynian! How I treasure your love and friendship. I pride at your growth. These years since your departure from your native land have not been without purpose. It is in the coming months that they will bear fruit."
"Will you truly need me?"
I could not imagine how this could be so. I knew he wanted me for my youth and beauty, for the pleasures I brought him, but I could not understand my worth to him in other ways.
"What do I give you?"
I thought of Commodus. He could offer Hadrian a mating of ideas and be a catalyst for thought. He could match the Emperor in sophistication and never be an embarrassment. Commodus could command respect wherever he went. Even by his frivolous life, Commodus was admired and held in esteem. What was I compared to him!
"You give of yourself and ask for nothing." Hadrian stood and paced the floor. "No one has offered me this before. You love me without question and expect only to be allowed to come to me. There is a flame in your heart and soul that no other light can match. This warms me when my own heart and soul are cold with the demands that never cease. My darling boy, if those others showed a spark of the unequivocal gratitude that you express to me, I would grant them all they sought.
"As it is, I tire of the constant demands and questions the motives of those who seek my ear; of even those who have my ear at their command. Friends and comrades tire me in this manner. Only with you do I feel fully at ease and have no suspect of motive."
"But could you not find this with another?"
Hadrian understood to whom I referred.
"Lucius Commodus, although having been a long time associate and holding a special place in my heart, does not serve what you serve. His mission is of a different nature from yours, Antinoos"
All the while Hadrian spoke he paced the floor, moving his hand through the flame of a lamp each time he passed it, seemingly testing himself to see how long he could stand the heat.
"And what is this mission that I am called to, Lord?"
He took me by the arm and lifted me from the divan and brought me to his bed.
"We will travel to many hostile places, lad. The weather alone will sometimes be unbearable. We will spend much time reviewing troops stationed in outlying provinces. In the company of my soldiers I live as they do, eat the same foods and sleep with little of the comforts with which we are surrounded. I travel without luxury. At my side you will live as I do. The Empress will follow, but will have a different itinerary. Her accustomed indulgences will not be far from her hand. Are you prepared to give all this up for the hard life of a field soldier?"
While we spoke we disrobed and settled into bed. By his side, with strong arms encircling me and pulling me against his chest, I could imagine myself being in no other place. I saw no other future than being with him even when it meant enduring discomfort. I wanted to prove my love and devotion by some test. The Eastern Journey was my opportunity to do so.
Chapter Twenty Three
To Africa, June 128 AD.
Our destination was the north coast of Africa. The Emperor's party was small but would grow in number once we returned to Rome for some brief ceremonies, then to depart once more. The purpose of this initial journey was to inspect the armies of the region and to infuse renewed spirit in the men who had become lax in discipline and bored by the lack of excitement. These legions were not engaged in battle and had not done so for some time.
The lonely outposts of the distant places were required in order to keep man-power dispersed in large enough numbers to make known the power of Rome. The importance of Africa was its Imperial domain-land, large stretches of crown land given to agriculture. This land had been confiscated by Nero. The empire's belly was fed from these fields as well as others in Egypt and Syria. One of the Roman Army's interests and purpose was to protect and insure the safety of this valuable property.
When troops feel useless and unimportant, regimen and order are replaced with slovenliness. It was Hadrian's intent to remind the Numidian legions of their importance. He had received disturbing reports that they had begun to grow complacent. Hadrian informed the Legion III Augusta at Lambaesis that they would be reviewed.
Having set sail from Ostia and following the coast, we veered south near Neapolis. The barren coastline of Sicilia looked bleak as we passed close to its north-western tip. Strong winds filled the sails and it required effort to keep the ships in proper distance from each other.
H
adrian spent much of his time in his cabin, one filled with charts and reports. He inspected the records sent to him by the Commander of the III Augusta. Allegations had been made that the resident Imperial Agents were abusing their positions by collecting rents from tenant-farmers, coloni, and retaining a portion of it. In some cases the Imperial Representatives were actually claiming the Emperor's acres as their own.
In his review of the matter Hadrian would come to issue a law known as the Lex Hadriana that would provide a right of squatting on Crown lands that were uncultivated, or remained so for ten successive years. Previous systems had given farmers reduced or marginal profits from lands not their own and the soil had begun to go out of cultivation from a lack of interest. The new law hoped to secure continuous cultivation and give the farmer a taste for profit.
I kept my distance and allowed him privacy for work and thought. On deck, I used my time to study the stars. What could they foretell? One night at the eleventh hour, during my watch, I saw a shower of meteors streaking across the heavens, seemingly raining on the distant south-eastern horizon where the lands of Africa lay. In this event I foresaw something of prominence would
occur there. Something would be given by the gods to show their favor of the Emperor, and in my heart I felt sure it would be soon. I could not shake the impression that this information was somehow being offered to me by my grandfather, whose soul had already passed into the nether-world and had taken its place as a star above my head. His presence could almost be felt beside me. I kept my counsel and said nothing to Hadrian, recording this phenomenon in my notes.
On days when the sun was not obscured by clouds I shed my clothing and basked in its rays, letting my body take on the copper tone that seemed to please him. Wanting to look my best, I exercised with the men. Oiled and filled with the vigor of the ocean air, we wrestled on deck or pulled and pushed weights, letting the sweat and fatigue quell the hypertension of close confinement.
My days were pleasant enough. I played with dolphins that followed the ship as they sought the morsels of food fed to them by the sailors. Then there were my studies. I read what was assigned by Antipas, who was disabled by sea sickness. His green pallor and sullen visage made me feel responsible for his affliction, and I spent much time caring for him, trying to make him as comfortable as possible under the circumstances of a tiny cabin and a pitching, rolling sea.
Occasionally I looked in on Hadrian to be sure he had eaten. I often found the food left by his side hours earlier, still untouched. At Ostia he had boarded ship looking ill and burdened with too many thoughts. But as the day wore on I was able to prevail on him to accompany me on deck for some hours, each day. The men enjoyed seeing him and he took light heart in their banter. It was evident that they understood the nature of our relationship and that most approved. From this acceptance I took strength and when he saw me mingle with them, seeing me equally accepted by them, he felt proud.
I enjoyed those times when I stripped and oiled myself with the rest before we wrestled. My body was now that of a young man's and the soft lines that once had been an embarrassment, were replaced by more solid definitions that showed muscles and sinews were being exercised. Hadrian and I would sometimes disrobe and lay quietly together, watching clouds drift overhead. Sun and salt air brought color to his face.
I met a lad from Salamis, in Syria. This boy with a slight and delicately formed body was darkly beautiful. I had first noticed him the second day at sea. He had been assigned to the Emperor's table. I did not fail to notice how Hadrian's glance followed him. There had been a moment when, as the boy reached to remove a plate, Hadrian had looked directly at him. This slave returned the Emperor's look with a long pause, and then his long-lashed eyes lowered as he backed away too slowly I thought. A fit of jealousy filled me and I was unable to continue our conversation. My mood became pensive and bleak. I knew that Hadrian felt the change and with his usual concern, he gave himself to me for the remainder of the evening. This, in fact, made me feel worse. I thought him merely doing penance for a misdeed caught. In the following days I watched closely to see if there would be further interest and saw none.
Several days after, I came to his quarters in the late afternoon, assuming he would be soon rising from the brief nap he took each day at that hour. As I entered I saw the Syrian standing naked by the Emperor's bed where Hadrian lay, as he looked at the boy. I was stunned, not having expected to witness the intimate scene. Hadrian remained silent, looking into my eyes and I felt myself on trial as if I were the accused. The Emperor waived the boy away with a movement of his hand and the Syrian donned his chiton and departed quickly. Unable to speak, I turned and left his quarters, hoping he would follow. He did not.
For hours I sat alone above deck, enduring the increasingly cold wind that whipped the sails and sprayed the sea across the bow. In my misery I imagined him an all manner of alliances and rendezvous'. I saw him hold and fondle many, each vivid body given life by my jealous mind. My soul ached and I felt such a weight for the pain in my heart that no thought but this self-inflicted torture could enter it. In the darkness, seeing the lanterns being lit, I realized I had been in the same position and location for four hours. He had not come to me!
There would be times when I would forget the status that separated us. I sometimes understood him as a common man, my lover. As our time together grew more intense and as I came to mean more to him this difference was often difficult to keep in mind. And with the presumptuousness of youth I accorded my beauty and favors more power and value than they deserved.
In this frame of mind I sat longer by myself, hidden among the coils of rope and piles of canvas seeking shelter from the dropping temperature, waiting and looking for him to seek me. When the moon had coursed across the heavens, having changed from an imposing yellow orb on the horizon to the now small sphere of light high above, I understood that it would be I who would need to go to him. My swollen eyes held me back, not wanting him to see that I had been crying; I was supposed to be beyond that age!
How my heart ached in those lonely hours! How cast aside and used, I felt! The insidious voice that questioned my value to him, inside my head, had been relentless. What was I to him that he could take another so easily? I could stand the cold and doubt no longer. What would be my words?
Making my way below, I avoided the night watch and the few men still on deck. As I moved through the narrow passage on my way to Hadrian's cabin someone stepped from the shadows. It was the Syrian.
"You have misunderstood what you saw," he said.
"Have I?"
In the dim light I scrutinized him, realizing his beauty once more and hating him for it.
"I know what you thought," he came closer. "You are wrong."
"Step aside and let me pass," I tried to move by him.
"The Emperor was concerned about this..." The Syrian dropped his clothing and exposed himself to me. Across his back and legs I saw bruises that were the result of flogging.
"While I served him, he noticed these and commanded me to disrobe and explain how I had come about them. You entered at that time."
"And how can I believe this?"
"It is your choice, Antinoos," he said. "The Emperor was concerned, nothing else. There have been several opportunities for the thing you have assumed, but he has never chosen to act upon them. It was not because I did not try! Your Emperor is faithful to you, Antinoos."
His words rang with truth and I believed him.
I knocked at Hadrian's door, giving the pre-arranged signal, and heard no response. I knocked once more then turned the latch to find the door unlocked. The sentry who stood some distance away watched me. I entered the darkened room. The glow of a small candle by his sleeping pallet disclosed him seated at his table, parchments strewn about his feet, his head lying on folded arms, fast asleep. Seeing him alone and lost in his dreams, I felt deeply close to him and ashamed of my behavior and for having doubted him.
Then the voice wit
hin my head spoke of his other loves; reminding me of what has been said about him by boys at the paedagogium who related experiences they had had with him while he was involved with Commodus. I was assailed as I stood beside him; jealousy insidiously releasing its poison and I resisted with all my might the temptation to wake him and ask him for a recounting.
I reached out and touched his shoulder. He stirred. I touched him again. He raised his head and my heart went cold with fear. I saw blood at his mouth and a small pool of it where his head had rested. I rushed to get a basin of water and before I could begin cleaning him, he pushed my hand away and with his own, he touched the crimson stain.
"Let me send for the physician," I urged.
"It is nothing." Hadrian wiped his mouth. There was fear in his eyes. "Say nothing!"
He stood, faltered, and caught the stool for support, then made his way for the bed.
"Assist me, Antinoos."
I removed his sandals and tunic.
"You've been gone for some time, boy. Have you come to terms with what you interrupted?"
"I spoke to the boy a few moments ago," I said, sitting beside him. "He explained."
"And what did he say?"
"That you asked him to remove his clothing to closer inspect bruises."
"And you believed that?" Hadrian asked the question with a look of irony.
"Should I not?"
"It was not what you believed this afternoon," he said reproachingly.
I looked away from him, feeling my own disgust.
"And how could I ignore this boy's beauty? Would you not take him to you?"