by R G Berube
"For what purpose, little Greek?"
"To taste his pleasures."
Hadrian smiled. He fell back slowly to the cushion and his head seemed heavy as it sank into the softness.
"What need I of more pleasures than those you give? Do not think that I only seek physical satisfaction from you. Have you not understood what it means when I tell you I love you?"
The question of whether he had experienced others while involved with me had crossed my mind several times in the past but I had never asked. Now it seemed imperative.
"Do I please you so that no other has caught your eye, Lord?"
"You please me!"
"But have there been others?"
"Not for a long time."
I heard impatience in his voice, but continued.
"Not even Commodus?"
"And so we come to him, again." Hadrian turned to rest his head in his hand as he looked at me.
"Why is this concern so paramount? Do you think I play with you when I tell you words of love and promise? Although there were others in the early days of our relationship, those months when you first came to me as a novice page filled with fear and awe, those encounters have nothing to do with what I feel for you. They should be left in the past.
"As for Commodus, he and I enjoy a relationship that has been unsexual for some time. It is true that I love him and sometimes indulge him as a son or lover, but it is an illusion. We share nothing but ideas and a pleasant friendship. Commodus is a great comfort to me with his advice. He has the ability to get things done by more expedient methods than those imposed by law, tradition, and the whims of the Senate."
His words went to my core and I felt fear. Had he not given me ample evidence of his sincerity? Still, this connection with Commodus stuck in my throat like a chicken bone. It stung my sensibilities and warped my capability to think clearly. With this doubt, all trifle jealousies and passing fancies seemed like genuine threat to our union. These suspicions of imagined indiscretions had remained unspoken, but now I found it difficult to contain them. They crept from my lips like maggots from the mouth of a corpse. I saw that Hadrian was becoming tired of them.
"Tell me that I am the one you want and need the most," I said, pressing myself closer to him and hating the use of a coercive ploy.
"Shall I tell you this because you want to hear it? Will it make you feel better?"
He moved from me, looking deeply in my eyes.
"Little Bithynian, will you feel more secure in having me voice these words, after you have asked for them? Listen less to words, Antinoos, and pay attention to action! It is in action that men show their intent. Words can be used as honey, to sweeten. What have you come to understand from me, boy?"
There had been nothing in his behavior to cause me doubt. He had been honest and forthright.
"I ask forgiveness for pressing you, Lord. So much of my life depends on you, that I want to feel I return something, as well. You give so much and I seem only to take. I need to be useful to you. Unless I can feel that I, too, contribute to this relationship, all I will be is a boy-whore who comes to give pleasure and occupies himself until next summoned."
Hadrian lay back on the cushion. His eyes were heavy with thought and his breathing seemed labored.
"You will come to show just how much you can contribute, Antinoos. There is more to your accompanying me to Africa than being a sexual accommodation. I plan to put you to work and to use that head of yours, as well."
Was I to be tested? What would he have me do? Would I grow closer to him, from this experience?
"You will come to know your duties enough," he said, as though reading my thoughts.
"Trust that I will use you to your fullest capabilities. You have skills yet untapped... For now, make my sleep more peaceful with your presence. Hold me while I rest, Little Greek."
I lay in his arms and listened as the breathing took on the sound of sleep. Outside the sea had risen and winds had begun to toss the ship about so that its paced creaking became hypnotic. We were rocked by the motion of the storm and I lay awake, aware of his presence, recalling that he had once told me of not caring to look upon those he loved, as they slept, believing that they were somehow escaping or resting from him. Was he now escaping from me?
Chapter Twenty Four
Auspicious Beginnings, Late June 128 AD.
Although the passage to Africa was without event, I noticed Hadrian experiencing increased anxiety as we approached that continent. Once, the challenge of facing problems of state would have stimulated his mind and body. Now they weighed heavily. The troops required a re-defining of their purpose. The business of administration begged re-order. The populace was resentful of the burden imposed by Roman occupation; a long-standing drought had resulted in food shortages with little enough to spare. In these provinces the Emperor was considered a god, and therefore held responsible.
Hadrian had come to see himself as one who held god-like powers. Now his health forced him to recognize his mortality. He spent increasingly more time alone and I often found him deep in thought, his charts and tools of navigation strewn about the cabin, desperately trying to divine something. Scrolls of papyrus filled with celestial calculations showing the movements of heavenly bodies were often used to foretell events.
Hadrian consulted with Charbrias, a man well informed in astrology. Charbrias used his knowledge and influence to keep in close proximity of the Emperor. Although we spent many hours together after Hadrian urged me to study with him, and although I came to respect his art and expertise, I never trusted the man. For I understood how easily premonitions, if vague and ethereal enough, could be made to fit desired causes. I knew well how the Oracle at Delphi had foretold both tragedy and fortune by speaking enigmas. Hadrian placed great faith in Charbrias and sometimes it seemed to me that he trusted the man more than he did his own friends! I also knew that Charbrias understood the value of having the Emperor's ear.
Charbrias had small eyes that seemed never still, recording everything. He moved silently, his head and neck poised to shift in the direction of any nearby conversation. Something about him caused me suspicion and I was troubled, wondering if I did him injustice. He seemed so liked by others! For this reason I extended myself to be in his favor and looked beyond suspicion. I should have heeded my inner voice!
The Empire demanded continuous attention. If peace was secure in Gallia, aggression erupted in Syria. If the harvest, so important to the army and citizens, was abundant in Hispania, pestilence or drought plagued the Empire elsewhere. There was a active network of messengers and couriers who moved to and from critical areas reporting and relaying information. Intrigues were commonplace as each petty bureaucrat sought the Emperor's ear for his own personal project or complaint. No one was safe from charges of misdeeds or misappropriations alleged by unscrupulous adversaries looking to enhance their own positions.
My policy was to ask few questions. History had not shown that intimate knowledge of state affairs had been advantageous to others of my peculiar standing. It had not been an uncommon occurrence to find the mutilated bodies of boy-favorites on the banks of the Tiber. Being companion to an emperor or statesman has always been a liability. The brutality of these crimes had been evidence enough of the hate harbored in the minds and hearts of enemies and traitors.
It was not safe to know too much. It was more foolish to know nothing. I tried to keep myself informed so as not to appear stupid. And to that extent did I apply myself. Hadrian understood the labor under which I strained. He often cautioned me to keep silent of certain matters he shared with me. "Say nothing...," he advised after disclosing some juicy piece of Senate gossip or some fact or detail that he felt would give me the protection that privy-information often accords. I seldom sought what was not offered and kept questions to myself. My sole intention was to remain close to him and let him feel my presence; to soothe him.
In Judaea the populace seethed with dissidents who constantly agit
ated Rome with demands for religious freedoms, accorded by Hadrian, but not considered liberal enough by those Jews who demanded the impossible. Their ranks swelled, led by one Shimon Bar-Cochba, a gadfly used by the rabbi Akiba. Bar-Cochba was hailed by Akiba as their long-awaited messiah. Hadrian, seeing the Jews remain unsatisfied with the privileges he accorded them, tightened his hold and repression replaced restraint.
The once-fertile fields of northern Africa had been experiencing drought for five years, and began to grow arid. Mauritania, Cyrene, Augyptus, all were deeply troubled. These principle suppliers of grain were faced with shortages, with no outlook of relief. Warehouses were echoing with the sounds of rats warring among themselves for the last few morsels of grain or kernels left hidden in remote places.
Hadrian was accustomed to adulation from the populace. He had come to be held in high esteem, his benevolence and compassion so much in contrast to others who had once worn the purple, that acclamation and honors were showered upon him. The Senate had offered him the title of Pater patria (Father of the Country) before his departure. The Greeks had expressed their admiration in a similar fashion. Alexandrines sung his praise and called him god. It is the gods who pass judgment on men, manipulating them with fortune and punishment. They confound mortals with inauspicious events that test faith and beg homage. It is a universal weakness of all gods; requiring fear and placation. Even the Christian god, one who supposedly represented compassion, was dreaded for his vengeance. Woe to those who would not be intimidated by them and woe to those gods who, after sacrifice has been offered, do not show munificence. Of what importance and respect is a god deserted by his worshipers?
Hadrian understood his responsibility to effect the current crisis in Africa. He felt the weight of it. He also realized his own mortality. Borne down by these, the approaching destination of Carthage was one tainted by tension. Word had been sent ahead that the Emperor was at hand. Plans to accommodate the royal party had been arranged months in advance, and he was expected by those who sought to gain as well as those who sought to demand from him some relief for the desiccated lands.
Carthage, a prosperous city founded on the north coast of Africa by Phoenicians, had come to be populated mostly by Greeks. The city lay on the shore of a gulf, built on a triangular peninsula covered with low hills. The site was chosen for its beauty as well as its opportune location for commerce. It became a favorite city of emperors and, although none lived there, they had showered it with gifts. Hadrian owned property here and he embellished the city's beauty with temples and several buildings given over to the people for their pleasures.
Large tracts of cultivated land were also owned by prominent Roman families and these lands were those suffering the drought. There was considerable pressure on the Emperor to relieve the situation. It was on this journey that Hadrian finished the plans begun some months before for an aqueduct to be built, one that would be supported by arches 40 meters in height. Much of the design was done by the Emperor, himself, with minimal assistance from his chief architect. Hadrian turned to a great lake in the south as the source of water to be carried to the city. As he had shown me the sketches of the final phase, I saw a renewed vitality for taking on the challenge.
"Speak of this to no one," he warned. "I offer no hope until I see for myself how the land lies and it gives me to work with, Antinoos."
On the night before arrival, I witnessed a prophetic dream. High on some promontory Hadrian had stood with arms upraised, facing a throng of Carthegians who had gathered to beg his intercession, seeking relief from the dryness that plagued the area. When the tumult had quieted, the Emperor announced that with him had come the means by which life would be returned to the soil. And from behind the hills there came forth a torrent of water that flooded the land. As they watched, blossoms appeared in the trees, flowers sprung forth in the gardens, and seedlings broke through the hard crusted fields. As the water rose, Hadrian became one with it and washed forth to the sea.
I waited until we had disembarked and settled in our quarters, a splendid complex of apartments in the center of the city, before relating the dream. With all ordained rituals completed, audiences with local dignitaries out of the way, we retreated for rest. It was not without relief that I ached to be alone with him. I had become, for the Carthegians, a great curiosity. Word of the Emperor having at his side a Greek boy who commanded his attention, had not fallen on deaf ears. They all but reached out to pinch and poke me as we walked pass the retinue assembled to greet him. Their eyes spoke what their lips could not, and I reluctantly stood my ground. His private quarters were welcomed after such an ordeal.
Hadrian dismissed all servants but one, the boy of the lashes who had been on the ship. The Emperor had taken an interest in him, one I knew to be void of desire, or so I hoped. I watched this lad keenly at first and saw no evidence other than his wish to be away from the ship to which he had been commanded. The captain had been remonstrated for his treatment of the boy, and was fined one half of his commission as payment for his abuse. Athenoseos was removed from his service and made a member of the Emperor's retinue.
"Bring us wine..." Hadrian spoke kindly to him. "Then leave us for a while."
He turned to me. "You said this afternoon that you needed to speak. What have you on your mind, Antinoos? You have my ear whenever you wish it."
"Yes Lord. But how often have we been alone without a million ears to overhear? How do you withstand the continuous barrage for attention they all demand?"
"Selective hearing," he said, laughing. "Now you see how you can serve me, boy. Be acutely aware of what goes on around me. Remember those things you deem important; requests that sound pressing; recommendation that may pass me by, for I am not able to take all of it in. On this journey you will replace Commodus as my extra set of ears. You know how he hates to disturb his city comforts by leaving Rome."
"But, are you not thinking of Commodus as..." I was about to ask Hadrian of what I had heard regarding the Emperor's intention to make Commodus heir to the throne.
"Emperor?"
He said it bluntly. I was taken aback. It was not my place to question him about such things, no matter how close we had come to be.
"I am not yet ready to relinquish the purple, Antinoos. Commodus has much to show me before I choose that. But yes, he is a candidate, and of that I have spoken to you before. Do not press me on it. Understand how you can serve me and leave how others can do the same, to me. Now, attune yourself to what I have suggested. I will see how well you can discriminate between idle and pointless business and that which commands attention.
"Now tell me what it is that you wished to speak to me about. You seemed urgent."
I recounted my dream.
"And what do you make of it?"
"This dream relates to your plans for the aqueduct. But there is something more that goes beyond it. There was power in your words, advising the throng that your arrival and presence brought relief to the soil. There was a emphatic finality to it."
Hadrian listened intently. His eyes never left mine, but I had the distinct impression that he had retreated to inner thoughts.
"What are you suggesting, Antinoos?"
"That you announce your intentions of relief, but in those words and nothing else, for the time being. Do not detail your plans."
"Why do you say this?"
I had no clear answer other than the compelling thought that in my dream his words to the people had been expressly given without mention of the aqueduct, stating that he had brought the means of relief from the drought. I had sensed the omission of all else to be significant.
After a long pause he stood and came to me, holding my face in both hands for several silent moments, then he nodded agreement and returned to his bed, inviting me to join him.
"It will be as you suggest, Antinoos. I trust you in this."
Hadrian drank from his cup and waited for me to do the same. The manner with which he acquiesced to my recommenda
tion surprised me. I had not thought he would not take my words seriously, with so little reason for them. He called for Athenoseos, who entered with the wine and fruit.
"I would like for you two to become friends," he said. "Be open to it!"
How strange, I thought, that he would make the comment. I took Hadrian's words as a directive and the sense of it was that he wished for me to provide Athenoseos with something he could not. I motioned that I would agree. Looking at the boy, I smiled and promised to seek him out later. Athenoseos' face lit with gratitude.
The boy was dismissed again, and alone, we ended the day in embrace, flushed with satisfaction and the expectancy of what was to come on the morrow.
The Emperor came to the multitudes who had gathered to fill the open spaces and streets near the city's center. Legions lined the edge of the swelling crowd, keeping the curious in check. When all local dignitaries had been gathered and taken their places, Hadrian stepped forward.
All of Carthage had turned out to hear his words and know for themselves what was planned as relief from the miseries forecasted due to the continued shortage of rain. There were those who looked upon him as a divine being. There were more, as of late, who thought of him as someone who having lost the favor of the gods. These were very much in evidence as the sound of the crowd rang with tension.
I stood some distance behind, sure not to place myself too close and thereby threaten the prestige of those to whom position accorded confirmation of self-importance. Already, word had spread among the crowd that the Empress was not with him, and resentment was fueled by her absence. There were others who noticed me and I felt the scrutiny, imagining their thoughts, objecting to the presumptuousness of the Emperor testing their patience in having me in full view.
None of this seemed to bother him. He had risen in good spirit, urging me to run with him in the garden. His complexion had improved with the voyage. While having his beard trimmed, he had looked at his reflection in the mirror, and had been pleased with what he saw. There were no further attacks of the nature of the one he had experienced with me in his cabin. I took particular care each day to look for tell-tale signs of blood on his pillow or his linen, and found none. I prayed to the gods that I had seen the last.