by R G Berube
I held that Aristotle had outdistanced Socrates in concept and relevance by having given mankind a true and useful method to deduce the truth rather than leading men on philosophical journeys which always resulted in the negation of the possibility that virtue and truth could be found in men. Hadrian had praised me highly for my rhetoric and he awarded a generous sum to Critoneo for his diligence.
The Imperial Party toured the regions of Ionia for three months, and always with the imposed edifices of Hadrian and the Empress as symbols of a unified and powerful empire. I moved from his side to a position a little behind, giving way to Sabina and Lucius Commodus. Although my resentment was felt, I held my tongue and observed my station. I would not be accused of coming between the Emperor and his responsibilities nor would I be charged with usurping the power rightly owed to Lucius Commodus.
I cannot fault Hadrian. He was taken over with the duties of the state and compelled by necessity to fulfill them. At nineteen, I understood my function and silenced the objections to the continuous interferences our private life suffered. Others would have played me for my favors; putting me aside in all things but physical satisfaction; ignoring my need to be more than a convenient courtesan. Hadrian did none of this.
Smyrna, Tralles, Miletus, Laodiceia all played host in their turn. In Tralles Hadrian brought from Egypt a large gift of wheat that was apportioned to all its citizens. Laodiceia was so taken with the munificence and benevolence of the Royal Couple that it began to mint coins in their honor.
Rumors traveled before the party and all who awaited us were eager to witness the battle expected to erupt over the presence of the Emperor, his wife, ex-lover and future emperor, and his current whore. I refused to act in any way that would confirm or suggest that all was not well. I kept my place, stayed in the background, but was always present when needed, never overstepping the bounds of propriety. I have no doubt that the many who awaited Hadrian's arrival were left disappointed when the Imperial Party moved on to the next destination on the itinerary, having been witness to nothing but felicity and concord between us.
Historians have found it difficult to allow that I might have assisted in the improved relations between Hadrian and Sabina. I sensed my part in the affair. That I was playing a part, became obvious to me. I took care with whom I spoke, what I said, and who I befriended. It was at this time that I began to entertain the thought of fulfilling a destiny preordained by the gods. At Patara, on the coast of Anatolia, I sought the counse of a priest alleged to have been gifted in the art of celestial signs. With Athenoseos at my side, I listened to the soothsayer. He spoke of the Emperor coming into a dangerous period.
“Zeus resides on Olympus. One who climbs a mountain and reaches its summit must come down again. Being cautious of heights for once on the summit only one route exists to avoid returning to the lower regions and that is to join the gods!”
The priest refused my offering.
“You will pay tribute enough,” he said enigmatically.
While traveling from Patara to Smyrna, and then from Olympus to Phaselis, I could think of little more than what we had been told at Delphi and of how this might relate to what I had been advised by the Pataran priest.
Mid-June found us turning northward into the mountains of Phrygia. Reaching Synnada Hadrian decided to enjoy the cool air as it had already turned hot along the southern peninsula. These mountains were the range of a ferocious species of wild boar. I knew as soon as I heard it, that Hadrian would organize a hunt. I was not surprised when he advised me to have all I would need, ready.
“You and I must get away alone for a few days! Lucius and most of the others will remain behind. You have been too much by yourself,
Antinoos.”
“But I have Athenoseos,” I said, no wanting to appear complaining or ungrateful.
“A good friend. I am happy I took the boy from the ship, and that he offers companionship.
But Athenoseos has his limitations!
“But there is more, Antinoos. I have missed you. Too much has occupied me. We have been almost strangers, since we left Delphi. I have need to see you and touch you. I yearn for your voice. Come; let me see again the smile that makes my heart warm. Your face is too beautiful to be altered by sadness.”
“I have little to smile about,” I said, deciding to address concerns. Hadrian nodded, taking my hand.
“You seem not to need me as you did in Africa and Greece.”
“I know you feel that way. I have been pulled in many directions by too many who require attention. My time has become political, as we encounter those who govern these lands. I have less for leisure, and it will not become easier. We will face much tension in Judaea and Egypt. Fortunately Lucius is relieving me of some responsibilities; especially in the meeting of the many minor bureaucrats insisting on being seen. Without their support, the Empire would require more attention from Rome. It is through the many delegated responsibilities and a show of trust, that the best is extracted from these men. Some do not sustain and must be removed. There is much work to do here, Antinoos. And much more required before we return to Rome.”
I realized the pressure under which he suffered and having added to it by my complaints, made me resist further objections.
“The world understands what good you have brought to it, Hadrian. You have received an abundance of praise wherever we have traveled. The citizens of Patara honored you as Zeus. You reign upon the mountain!”
A chill passed through me as I realized I had voiced the words of the priest. In my mind I saw Hadrian high above a valley, standing atop a mountain, unable to descend. He looked toward the heavens, waiting....
The hunt brought us to higher elevations, giving us a clear view of the plains below and of the far reaching lands of Anatolia. The terrain was difficult, for there was much rock and ledge to prove fatal for a horse not accustomed to it. Borysthenes and Catapult proved their blood. Soon we were on the trail of a boar that had been recently foraging in the area, as its dung was still moist. In pursuit, Hadrian led the way and I followed. In the heat of the chase, Hadrian urged Borysthenes on. When the beast came into sight, Hadrian drove the horse even harder and Borysthenes, trained to observe all danger, galloped on avoiding all obstacles in the way. Hadrian had been slung low on the horse's side for better aim. Suddenly he slipped from the saddle and fell to the ground.
The hunt ended when I rode between the onrushing animal and the fallen Hadrian, lying with the wind knocked out of him, directly in the path of the boar's needle-sharp tusks. If I had not made the mark with my lance, the Emperor would surely have been gored and killed. Leaping from Catapult, I ran and knelt at his side. Hadrian's face was ashen. Blood colored the edges of his lips and his white tunic was spotted with it. The animal lay only a short distance away with open eyes, looking straight at us without seeing. It's blood soaked the ground around it.
I supported Hadrian and helped him to his feet.
“What happened,” I asked, not having understood the cause of the fall. “Did Borysthenes frighten?”
Hadrian clasped his hand tightly around my arm, and for the first time since the night he had awakened in tears from the horrid dream of starving mothers and children, his own eyes were filled with tears. I had never seen him looking so desperate and filled with fear.
“The illness..., I lost consciousness,” he said. He appeared as a little child unable to have his own way and at the mercy of outside forces that controlled his life, filled with the rage and frustration of not being able to satisfy his needs. Hadrian, Emperor, warrior, was brought down by a weakness of the body that had never failed him before!
“How much like a god do I look now, Antinoos?”
I turned my eyes from him so that he could not observe my own tears of pity. I had no answer, but held him tightly in my arms as I motioned for the Guards who had accompanied us and who were now gathered around, to leave us in privacy. We walked to where Borysthenes had come to rest, and chewed
the leaves of a small bush.
“Do you still wonder if I need you? My life, it appears, is in your hands!”
Not far from Milissa I urged Hadrian to take a detour and leave the Imperial Party at a near-by town while we journeyed to the grave site of Alcibiades, a Greek much admired by Hadrian, for his courage, military brilliance, and a similar taste in boys. This reminded me of the dialogues in Athens, and I also wanted to see the monument to the man who had come to be one of the main examples in the charges brought by the Athenians against Socrates for corrupting the morals of its youth. Alcibiades had shifted his allegiance to Sparta and had colluded with the enemy invaders. For this he has been cast out of Greece and had sought refuge from several Eastern monarchs in Phrygia. There, he had been assassinated by Spartan mercenaries.
The grave had gone into disrepair. Few who lived nearby thought much of the man who lay beneath the small mausoleum, now crumbling and deserted. Its stones had been removed for use elsewhere. No trace of his history marked the spot, save the small inscription in Greek that spelled his name and date of death. It was a lonely place and took Hadrian some time to find it, having been there only once before.
“He rose to greatness and was respected by many,” he said. “Poor Alcibiades became too confident of his own power and came to love it. When he saw Athens might fall to the Spartans, he made an alliance to insure his stature and in the end, became branded as a traitor and despised. His countrymen would not have him back when he begged forgiveness and return.”
“How can someone who rises to such power and respect, come to make such poor decisions and loose all?”
It truly saddened me to think of him in death with no loved one or family near, unable to be buried in his beloved Greece, and laid to rest in a foreign grave where his soul would wander throughout eternity, seeking his homeland.
I placed a bouquet of columbine picked in the foothills, upon his grave that morning. He was a fellow Greek and I prayed that the gods would allow his spirit to find rest, as I now sought my own!
Returning to Phaselis, we boarded ships for Cilicia. At Tarsos, Hadrian was honored by its citizens when they voted to add Adriana to the name of that city. A three day festival was given to honor the Imperial Couple. All merchants and government business was suspended for its duration. The month was June, and the heat was already unbearable. The city teemed with people attired in a minimum of clothing, all preferring a short, light chiton-like garment that allowed comfort. As I walked about the streets I was struck by the sensual air created by their manner of dress. Especially obvious to me were the many dark-eyed youths who seemed to be everywhere. I could not remember seeing so many beautiful young men in one place. Tarsos was a city of youth, and each one exuded a strong sexuality. I was followed with gazes that suggested interest, and smiles that invited more. Suddenly each boy I met was viewed as a rival, and my mood took on a petulant and disquieted air. My imagination tortured me with visions of many dark-skinned boys in wild abandon, serving a delighted Emperor. I hated myself for these doubts!
The Imperial Party was courted with the most unusual foods and given a rapturous welcome at each city along the way. Although Hadrian gave me no cause to doubt him, I watched closely for any sign of confirmation to my fears of his infidelity. On two occasions he excused himself to accompany Lucius on what was supposed to be secret meetings with representatives of an eastern potentate. I convinced myself that they were enjoying the fruits of a local stable of boys, this thought having been planted in my mind by a conversation I had overheard between two of Hadrian's couriers, and nothing could convince me otherwise. It was Athenoseos who informed me later, that the conversation had not been accidental. I was furious that there were those among his staff who purposely plotted against our relationship. I felt my soul being pulled from many sides, and I was being unfaithful to his love when I allowed my jealousies to overrule my head.
Sabina was in the best of spirits. Her position has been honored. Her elegance and dignified demeanor inspired the city of Mopsuestia to issue coins with her likeness as representation of the goddess Artemis. I took heart when a delegation of artisans presented the Emperor with a magnificent statue of a young man of exquisite proportions. Attention had been given to the face, and the eyes and lips were hauntingly beautiful. At its base was the Greek inscription that read Antinoos. It lays still, buried in antiquity and waiting to be unearthed as so many like it that were pulled down and cast away by Hadrian's nephew, Aurelius, who came to the throne with a hate and vengeance for his uncle's sexual taste and association with me.
“It comes close to doing you justice,” Hadrian told me when he brought me to see it.
I could say little, not believing this was the way I looked to others.
“Hadrian, do you see me like that?”
“More beautiful, Antinoos!”
“What will Sabina say,” concerned that the Empress would object to the attention.
“It was commissioned by her,” Hadrian smiled
and took me in his arms. “This is a tribute truly earned, Bithynian!”
Chapter Thirty Four
Mount Casius, June 129 A.D.
Few men have been as powerful, yet glorified by their subjects as the Emperor Hadrian. He was called Imperator, Caesar, Trajanus, Hadrianus, Augustus. He was even called a god! The Greeks named him such and rulers throughout the East and Persia sent emissaries to confirm what Hadrian already understood to be his destiny.
It was not that he deluded himself in egotism. The possibility of men becoming gods had been established and the precedence was an accepted belief. Temples and shrines were dedicated in his name and coins were minted with Hadrian as the representation of Zeus. So much good had blessed his reign, so many signs that he was favored, had been given that Hadrian was compelled to acknowledge what seemed to be fact.
Yet he was torn by doubt and unable to accept his godliness against the constant presence of his illness; a reminder of his mortality. It was never out of his mind, and plagued him daily with the thought that he would not live to see all that he had begun and planned, come to fruition. Hadrian longed for peace, wishing to mediate the differences between those fractious groups who were the cause of so much unrest in Judaea and Alexandrea. He wished for unification and amity throughout the Empire, as his legacy.
Hadrian left no cure untested, no incantation or secret rite unobserved in hope that it would pacify or negate the curse that he believed was imposed on him. He sought the counsel of astrologers and drank the mixtures prepared by physicians who offered cures; always having the concoctions tested by a slave before he took it. Hadrian spent long hours with his celestial charts, applying his knowledge in hopes of distinguishing some reassuring forecast. It alarmed me to see the worry and pain in his face grow daily, knowing his thoughts were causing him even more injury.
While making our way along the coast of Cilicia toward Antioch, Hadrian became erratic in his behavior. His understanding nature gave way to a lack of patience, and his temper flared against those with whom he had seldom had an unkind word. I tried to speak to him, but he brushed me aside with a cursory response, unable to look me in the face. Pleading with him to open to me resulted in an angry shake of his head. I began to suspect that some of his anger was directed at me when occasions kept us apart. There would be times when days would pass before we came together again. In these times he would question me closely about where I had been and with whom I had spent my time. If I erred with a time-frame, he corrected me, thereby indicating that he was having me watched. At first I assumed this was for my own safety. Then I began to suspect that his motive was of distrust. I resolved to say no more, not wishing to increase his mood, but remained close by and attentive to his needs.
Twenty miles from Antioch, Mount Casius rose majestically from the sea. Its sheer slopes imposed difficulty to all but the hardy. The revered shrine of Zeus was at its summit and Hadrian resolved to make the journey. He seemed to have more reason than
passing interest in paying homage. Having been called Zeus, he felt obligated to give sacrifice there, and appease the god who he believed was withdrawing his support.
I followed him to his tent one evening, once he had dismissed his staff and asked not to be disturbed. Seeing me, he first appeared irritated with the intrusion. Looking at me silently for a moment, his eyes softened and he held his arms to me. I came to him, filled with more words and thoughts than I dared to speak. I let my body communicate my feelings.
“Will you come with me?”
His request surprised me. There was doubt in his voice. Did he not know I would follow him anywhere? My role was clear. I had little input in the choices made. My purpose was to be a part of his destiny, and to that end I had only to follow where he led. My own existence had come to have little meaning without him. I was not what I had once been. Bithynia was far removed and left behind. The only connection remaining to that country was my mother and chosen memories.
“I will follow wherever you lead,” I asserted.
“We depart tomorrow and spend the night on the summit. It will be an arduous climb, Antinoos. You will find breathing difficult in such altitudes. Be prepared!”
Athenoseos was waiting in the shadows, always nearby, he looked to be of service to me. Hadrian motioned him to approach.
“Here, boy, take some of these with you and leave us alone. Go get yourself a good night's sleep. You'll come along as well, tomorrow. We'll see just how powerful and fit those legs of yours, are.”
Hadrian scooped a number of fruit and sweets in a napkin, and handed it to Athenoseos as he left.
Alone, we sat side by side and relished the quiet of the moment before speaking again.
He looked strange, edged with a harshness that irked me.