Antinoos and Hadrian

by R G Berube

  “Why are you angry with me?” I asked.

  “You think me angry with you?”

  “Have you not avoided me for some days? I have seen you look at me at times, and there is anger or something that I understand as anger, in your eyes.”

  Hadrian stood and began to pace.

  “I am a man of few words, and believe in coming to the point. Have you been faithful to me by being with no one else?”

  Words seemed lost in the space in my head that was filled with a rushing of blood. I could not believe his question.

  “You think me unfaithful?”

  “A boy such as you with your looks, would have many offers. You are highly sexual. Your youth gives energy to your loins. I sense that I have not satisfied you. I have no objection to whatever relationship you may enjoy with Athenoseos. It is natural for boys to enjoy each other. But there are many, not boys, who see you as very sensual and desirous.”

  Unable to withhold me my thoughts, I interrupted him, realizing the offense of the intrusion too late. “But Hadrian, I love you. I have let none other touch me! Surely you know this! Your men follow me wherever I go, and know of any to whom I speak. Even if I intended such things, I could not do any of it without being found out. Why do you ask me this?

  “In truth, Athenoseos and I have not made love. Not that he would not agree if I asked, as he loves me enough. But I know that it is not something that he would do willingly, and I would not have him do anything against his will. I find him beautiful, and yes, even desirable. But this is not a passion uncontrolled.”

  Hadrian returned and stood above me.

  “And what do you think of an older man's body, Antinoos? Are you put off by it?”

  “Recall the times we have made love. Have my reactions and erections not been proof enough of the excitement you bring me? Were I not excited by you, Hadrian, it would be obvious! This is not something I can lie about.

  “And should I not wonder about your attraction to me? I have come into manhood, and know how captured you were of my youth, and of other youths before me. Should I not worry about whether you will continue to see me as desirable. I do, you know!”

  We sat close together, having reached for each other's hands. I felt his heat and wanted to be engulfed by it; to be swept up in his arms and carried to his bed. My hand reached out and with a finger, I traced the hair-line of his beard from his hair to chin, then moving to his lips, I touched them softly until they opened and took the finger in.

  “I desire none else but you,” I said. “Love me, it has been too long!”

  Our words of the night before were seemingly forgotten on the morrow. The intimacy we shared soothed his doubts and mine as well.

  All were surprised by Hadrian's decision to attempt the climb to Mount Casius, having so recently been indisposed by illness. Was he intending to prove to himself and all around him that life still flowed vigorously through his veins? I hoped he would not prove otherwise! As for myself, I had no doubt of being capable of the climb, my physical condition never having been better.

  Lucius Commodus agreed to Hadrian's request of his company. He was coming to understand that having been chosen by the Emperor as his successor entailed more than the enjoyment of power. He was expected to show stamina and be as capable as the ruler he would follow. Commodus avoided hardship. Hadrian urged him to strengthen himself against the times to come when he would be called to lead the armies into battle or be compelled to journey to far places. It would be for this purpose that Hadrian would name Lucius as Counsel and Governor of Pannonia. There, he hoped Commodus would be seasoned by the legions, the difficult weather, the inhospitable environment, and thus become less dependent on luxuries.

  Lucius showed excitement at the prospect of climbing Mount Casius. He seemed willing to follow, and I suspected this enthusiasm to be more the product of diplomacy that a thirst for adventure!

  We departed in the early morning, leaving the Imperial Party at Antioch, and rode swiftly along the coastal road, avoiding the more tedious but safer inland route. I become enthused with the joviality of the party. The Emperor and Commodus seemed filled with light- heartedness. They exchanged bawdy humor and made fun of my obvious embarrassment revealed by a reddened complexion and a nervous laughter. I took the wineskin each time it was passed and soon became free of all inhibition. I regaled them with all the irreverent stories and obscene jokes I could recall from my paedagogium days. It pleased me that Commodus laughed heartily at my humor, and I filled with a warmth as the three of us passed the time as though we were the best of comrades.

  We reached the summit just at nightfall. The path had been lit by torches set out by the priests, who had been advised to expect us. Standing atop the mountain, I looked to the sea and saw the last remaining light of day touch the distant horizon with a golden streak of radiance before the sky darkened.

  Led to our quarters by acolytes, I saw the great Temple of Zeus in the distance. Its dimensions were impressive! Once settled in our rooms, Commodus had taken a similar adjacent space, Hadrian sat down to compose his thoughts for the coming sacrifice. Not wanting to disturb him, and seeing that Athenoseos had already fallen asleep, I walked alone to the small enclosure where the sacrificial animals were kept.

  A young fawn purchased by Hadrian that morning, frolicked about as it chased the few chickens within the compound. Coming up slowly to it, the fawn stood still and allowed me to hold it as I fed it. The little animal brushed itself against me, seeking comfort. It muzzled its wet nose against my face and in the lamp's light, I looked into its eyes and saw them large and unknowing of the fate it would meet on the morrow, yet trusting in its innocence. At once I felt a connection with it and spoke to it as though to ease my own concern.

  “Little one, think only of the sweet escape from this place that will be given you when your little soul rises to meet Zeus.”

  The fawn stood silently as though listening intently to my words. “You will be delivered from this world and never need to feel hunger or thirst again. Yours will be an everlasting freedom given to those who are offered to the heavens. And when your soul rises with the smoke of the flames in which your earthly remains will be consumed, then shall I know that nothing more will harm you!”

  After some moments, I heard a movement behind me and saw Hadrian coming forward.

  “I have been looking for you,” he said. “You left me!”

  “I believed you wanted solitude. I know you are worried about tomorrow.”

  “Worried?” There was a touch of defensiveness in his voice.

  “I mean to say that you have concern of the outcome of tomorrow's sacrifice and what the animal will disclose.”

  I was reluctant to continue on a subject that I knew he was sensitive about, but did so. For, were we not lovers and committed to clear understanding? I wanted him to confide in me and tell me of his concerns.

  “It is your health that worries you!”

  He reached for my arm, and led me as we walked.

  “I am constantly reminded of my mortal flesh, Antinoos. This body that has served me well, now begins to fail. Each day I wonder how many more in number will be given me to fulfill all I have set out to do. Each time I see a sign that the gods favor me, something happens to make me doubt. I have fears!

  “So much remains to be done. I feel pressed for every moment, and am coming to detest myself, hating each weakness that shows me less capable than I once was. I curse the tired muscles that demand rest and sleep. And in this sleep the gods torture me with dreams that prophesy calamity. I have immense power, yet all this is naught if the power to rule my own body is denied.

  “Temples have been dedicated in my name. Coins have been issued with my likeness as a god. Throughout the realm, days have been set aside to honor me and many say that I am divine. Even the gods tempt me to believe it! Look at me, Antinoos. What do you see?”

  His visage was twisted in anguish. I searched my heart to answer truthfully.
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  “I see strength. I see a ruler above all monarchs who, commissioned with a most imposing charge, has brought peace and prosperity to his people. I stand in awe of your ability to govern. I see a noble man who has been entrusted with the greatest empire, ruling with wisdom when so many before have ruled with incompetence. I see an Emperor who understands no limits and accepts no failure; who inspires his subjects to loyalty and adoration. One who has achieved more than most men could achieve were they given ten-score more lifetimes.

  “I see the man! I see a friend who listens when I have need to speak of thoughts that burden me. I see a lover who pays me homage in every way, and finds joy and fulfillment in what I give!”

  Words seemed of little value in defining what my heart wished to express. I could feel his pain and understood how deeply he was troubled by the mounting fear of his failing health.

  Hadrian turned from me suddenly and faced the direction of the temple. There, he stood, unmoving, deep in thought, almost lost in the darkness as clouds completely shrouded the few remaining stars. Then he spoke, but not to me.

  “Spirit of this place, hear me! My need is but to serve the glory of the gods and of Rome. Test me if you will! But grant me time for all I have set in motion. You have given me the honor of leading Rome to great glory. Do not deprive me of seeing the fruits of my labors. See this wretched body, this vessel of my soul which, each day, torments me with declining ability. Allow me this, that I shall choose my end and understand when it has come!”

  He bent his head in silence then turned to me.

  “We rise before the sun, Antinoos. It is late and little remains for sleep before the sacrifice. Come, see if your arms can bring me peace for a few hours. I have much need of it!”

  Hadrian lay awake, his breathing, shallow. I could feel the tension in his body as we touched. I did not wish to burden him with talk, and hoped my hands could give him comfort. I gently messaged his neck and shoulders until the knots below the skin released. My fingers smoothed his temples. After some time, his breathing became heavy and his body relaxed in sleep. I held him tightly to me and passed the few remaining hours in thought, searching for an answer to the purpose of my service.

  We were awakened by a priest. It was the time of sacrifice. Ritual demanded it be done before the first rays of sun touched the temple's marble. The morning was bitter cold and even my woolens were not enough to break the chill. I had need to void but could not face the discomfort of sitting on cold stone. I was feeling miserable, my feet and hands seemed without blood and my nose dripped uncontrolled.

  Hadrian was dressed lightly and the sight of him increased my own discomfort. He seemed un-bothered by the cold, thin air. Lucius had clad himself warmly, wrapped in furs. We drank hot tea; the only thing allowed until the sacrifice was completed. Then we were led to a shrine within the temple. I could discern the first shade of dawn on the eastern horizon, but it would be some time before the sun would rise above it. Overhead, all but a few clouds had passed. Helios would find the temple's stone, as required. Seeing the weather in his favor, Hadrian's spirits lifted.

  “I feel the gods near. Perhaps they have something to disclose!”

  Lucius touched the Emperor's arm. “What fear you? Be reassured by the signs you have been given. Consider most recently, Africa and the ended drought. You have been favored.”

  We stood on the top step of the temple, about to enter the sanctuary. Hadrian waited for the fawn to be brought to him, for it was his to carry to the sacrificial altar. As the first light of day began to break, an acolyte led the fawn from the stable. The frightened animal tugged at the lead as it tried to resist.

  I looked beyond the summit's crest to the plains below, still mantled in the night's cover of darkness. Suddenly we became engulfed in mist as a heavy cloud began to move across the summit. I could smell the moisture and sensed a charged atmosphere. I looked to Hadrian and saw concern in his eyes, his face filled with anxiety, for he knew the sacrifice could not take place unless the temple was bathed in the sun's first rays.

  The acolyte, a young boy of sixteen years, approached the Emperor to place the fawn in his waiting arms. Before it was done, we were momentarily blinded by a powerful flash of lightning and our ears were pierced by a horrid scream. I smelled the awful stench of burning flesh. The air was filled with it! Hadrian had stepped backward suddenly, and I caught his arm to prevent a fall. Lucius moved quickly and took the other arm and held him fast. Stunned, we looked down to the crumpled and charred remains of the acolyte and fawn, seemingly fused together at our feet.

  Hadrian's face was ashen, and he was unable to move. My own heart pounded forcefully and my chest ached with the pain of it. I could not tear my eyes away from the spectacle of the boy and fawn at my feet. Still smoldering, I thought I say the acolyte move once, but knew it was impossible. It took me a moment to regain my senses. Hadrian had suffered no harm, but I knew that his expectation of the sacrifice was now destroyed. Never had I seen such terror in his eyes! Lucius and I understood the likely impact of the incident. I moved closer and held my lover until the tremors subsided.

  Commodus and Lysis, the high-priest, exchanged glances. Something has passed between them. Hadrian shook himself free and stepped forward. He knelt beside the burned victims and bowed his head.

  “I have been rejected,” he said.

  “You have been honored!” Lysis was quick to correct him.

  Hadrian faced the priest. The summit and temple came into sharp focus as the cloud that had covered it, moved on. Through the mist I could see Helios shining above the horizon. Hadrian looked skeptically at Lysis, who stood boldly before him. With the staff of his office and rank firmly in hand, he seemed to gain courage and went on.

  “There is little here that leaves doubt. Had the gods meant to strike you or show disfavor, they would have done so! You have been shown favor, Lord.

  “Caesar,” Lysis continued. “The gods have spoken thus; your life is meant to continue and good fortune will be yours. The years of life given up by the fawn and boy, have been added to your own.”

  Hadrian eyes bore deeply into Lysis', but the high-priest would not be diverted. Each studied the other for some moments, then Hadrian looked at Lucius, and in turn to me.

  “I accept your reading, Lysis.”

  As though orchestrated by the priests, sunlight burned through the remaining haze and the Emperor was bathed in radiance. More dialogue followed, but I took little notice for my own thoughts were charging wildly about my brain and my blood ran cold as I saw in my mind's eye, a plan that had been gradually formulating in the past months and now lay at my feet.

  Chapter Thirty Five

  Julia Balbilla, Summer 129 A.D.

  Hadrian was not the same after Mount Casius. There were no joyful words or lascivious exchanges on our return to Antioch. Hour followed hour of silence as the Emperor, deep in thought, rode without direction, allowing Borysthenes our lead. I thought to lighten his mood, but was refrained by Lucius, who motioned me to silence.

  The High-Priest's proclamation had not assuaged the fateful omen. My own words would serve only to heighten the sense of mendacity surrounding the event. I drifted into my own thoughts and did not notice the passing countryside until we were well within the city's precincts. Athenoseos stayed close by my side, speaking periodically of minor things, trying to give companionship, but failing to penetrate my preoccupation.

  Antioch, ripe with discontent, posed a challenge to the Emperor's rule. The population was a mixture of cultures, some of which were hostile to Rome. The city teemed with discord so often associated with such melting-pots. Hadrian had endowed the city with many gifts prior to his arrival. He honored the various religious and cultural festivals to show his support, but soon became irritated with the continuous complaints of the people.

  Demands on his time were made without regard for his health and he took little care to guarantee against this abuse. Exhaustion overcame him. It was eviden
t for all to see. Sabina purposely reprimanded him openly so aides and statesmen who stood near would take notice of her displeasure with his schedule. Hadrian had little patience and often flew into rages at the slightest provocation, but with Sabina he seemed docile and malleable. She acted the Empress in all her functions and held at bay the many who would have been curtly dismissed because of their petty complaints, not having received the justice to which even these were entitled. My favors were sought out by many who thought me open to influence. But I held out to all the uncompromising resolution to hear no suppliant. I resolved to seek no favors!

  Gossip is an ever-present companion to fame and those of prominence cannot escape it. But at Antioch it seemed particularly virulent and much of it was directed against Hadrian, who was considered bold to flaunt two lovers. We were not in the land of Hellas where such bonds are admired.

  The city accepted the Emperor's abundant gifts as due and chose to occupy itself with trivia and things of little consequence. Hadrian grew to hate the place and regretted his generosity. On his departure he effected plans that lowered the city's status and all major projects came to a halt. Antioch paid a dear price for its wagging tongues!

  The Imperial Party passed on to Samosata, a city in the region of Commagene. Hadrian hoped to meet with Osroes, the Parthian King whose daughter had been taken captive by Trajan. It was his intention to return her as proof of the pledge to peace he had made six years before. Much importance was placed on this meeting. All rulers of the surrounding kingdoms had been invited to attend.

  It was from this region that Julia Balbilla's brother, Prince Philopappos had been ousted. She made sure everyone understood she was descended from the ancient line of kings of Commagene. Hadrian had known Philopappos in Athens, having shared an admiration for the Greeks. They had been mutual in their generosity toward the Athenians. But Hadrian had little use for Julia Balbilla and considered her meddlesome. Only out of respect and friendship with her brother did Hadrian show her toleration.