by Rose Marini
As the credits rolled two hours later, Emma spoke up. “Ally? Can I ask you a question?”
Allison’s stomach tightened with nerves at the seriousness in Emma’s voice. She pressed her lips together and nodded.
Emma gestured towards the TV screen. “Well, the movie reminded me of when we first became friends, and how there was a weird tension in our relationship that friendships don’t have. An then it reminded me… I never understood why we stopped talking after you came to visit me here. I guess I always assumed that we just grew apart, but was there something else? Did I do something that offended you?”
Allison let out a relieved laugh. “Oh, that… Well, I hope this doesn’t upset you, but I was wildly in love with you. Eventually it hurt too much to just be your friend. I shouldn’t have just disappeared on you, though, I know that wasn’t the right way to handle it. I’m sorry that it hurt you.”
“Oh.” Emma paused, revelations pouring through her brain. “Oh wow, that makes so much sense. And that doesn’t upset me, don’t be silly. But why didn’t you just tell me?”
Allison hesitated for a moment. “If I’m being honest… I knew how conservative your church and family were… And I was just figuring out my sexuality and learning to not hate myself for it. I couldn’t handle the possibility that you would judge me or be disgusted by me. Not that I thought you would be,” she hastened to add. “I was pretty sure our friendship wouldn’t change if I told you. But I was just too fragile at the time, too scared to take the chance that I was wrong. I’m sorry.”
Emma winced. The thought that someone had worried that she would reject them for their sexuality hurt, even though she understood Allison’s perspective perfectly, having had the same concerns about some of her own friendships. “I understand, Ally. I wish you had felt like you could talk to me about it, but I absolutely see why you didn’t.”
“I wanted to, so badly,” Allison responded fervently, her tone apologetic. “I was just in such a precarious place that I needed to protect myself. It took me ages to talk to Jane about it, even knowing that she would be totally understanding.” Jane was Allison’s best friend from college and the first person she had the courage to tell about her feelings for women. Jane’s instant acceptance and unwavering support had been instrumental in Allison’s journey to accepting her sexuality.
Emma, who had become good friends with Jane after Allison introduced them in college, smiled and said, “I see why you told her first. She always was such an empathetic listener. But seriously, Ally, it’s okay. I understand why you did what you did, I truly do.”
Her lingering curiosity satisfied, a suggestive note entered Emma’s voice as she continued. “Besides, all that matters is that we’re here now.”
She flashed that smile that made Allison’s insides melt as she pulled the other woman down towards her. Whispering, she brushed her lips over Allison’s ear. “And all I care about at this particular moment is kissing every inch of you.” She punctuated her statement by pausing to plant gentle kisses down the arc of Allison’s neck.
Biting her lip, Allison met Emma’s hungry gaze. The blonde gently dragged her fingertips down Allison’s arm as she stood up and held out a hand to Allison. Allison watched her rounded hips glide from side to side as she followed her to the bedroom, aching to caress every curve of Emma’s soft body. Weeks of tantalizing desire crashed through Emma’s veins; once they reached the bedroom, she turned and swept Allison into a passionate kiss. Their limbs intertwined and heat flooded their bodies. Emma pulled the smaller woman closer, pressing their figures tightly together. Her tongue traced Allison’s lower lip, eliciting a moan. Allison fumbled with Emma’s tank top, desperate to see all of her, and roughly yanked it up her torso. Both amused and aroused, Emma complied with the unspoken demand, raising her arms over her head. With a light brush of her fingers, Allison unhooked Emma’s bra and it fell to the ground.
She barely had time to revel in the glory of Emma’s bare chest before the taller woman turned her around, moved her hair aside, and lightly brushed her lips over the nape of her neck. Goosebumps crawled over Allison’s body as Emma’s warm breath rolled over her skin. She planted gentle kisses over Allison’s neck and shoulders as she tugged her flannel shirt over her head and undid the snap of her black lace bra. Allison’s back was still to her; she traced one finger down the length of her spine, making her shiver. Emma’s blonde hair brushed across Allison’s skin as she kissed her way down Allison’s tan back. The brunette trembled, her breath coming in shallow gasps.
The sensation of Emma’s breath stirring the tiny hairs on the back of her neck spurred her to action. Without warning, Allison spun and continued her attack on Emma’s clothes, quickly tugging down her jeans to reveal simple red underwear. They tossed their remaining clothes on the floor, gazing at each other. The thrill of being fully exposed to another person—a person they loved, at that—encompassed them. Emma slowly admired Allison’s muscular arms, tight abs, and powerful legs.
Impatient, Allison scooped Emma up and deposited her on the bed. She straddled the other woman’s hips as her hands lingered on her stomach, trailing down towards her burning center for a moment before pulling away. Emma’s hands drifted over Allison’s shoulders and waist, finally settling on her chest. Allison slowly lengthened her touch to massage Emma’s breasts, gently pulling and squeezing her mounds. Emma watched raw hunger fill her eyes. The sight pushed Emma over the edge; she wrapped her arms around Allison and yanked her down to press their lips together. The kiss deepened as Emma teased her tongue past Allison’s teeth, tickling the roof of her mouth. She whined when Allison broke their kiss, but the sound quickly turned into a murmur of appreciation as the other woman planted hot kisses down her collarbone. Allison worked her way down Emma’s heaving chest, finally wrapping her lips around one stiff nipple, then the other. Emma whimpered and pushed her chest harder into Allison’s warm mouth. She gloried in the effect she had on Emma—and in the sensation of her soft breasts pillowed again her cheek. After Allison had worshipped every inch of her chest, she worked her way lower, trailing kisses down her stomach.
She was still for a moment, teasing, prolonging the anticipation. Emma bucked her hips as Allison’s breath stirred across the sensitive area. After a few seconds, Emma wound her fingers through Allison’s hair, whispering her name. Allison licked the length of her folds, savoring her slightly salty taste. Emma’s fingers clenched and she emitted a loud groan; desire surged between Allison’s legs. She ravenously explored Emma’s center, spurred on by the other woman’s loud moans. Speeding up, she flicked her tongue across Emma’s bud and was rewarded by a loud cry and thighs clenched around her head. Waves of pleasure crashed forcefully through Emma’s body, building towards an earth-shaking climax and overwhelming her ability to think about anything but the exquisite sensations Allison created in her. She whimpered in desperation as Allison stopped to ask, "Do you want to try something new?"
Panting, Emma replied, "With you, Ally, anything."
Without warning, Allison lifted her once again and spun her around so that she was facing Allison’s feet. Understanding immediately what she wanted, Emma plunged her tongue into Allison’s core. She gasped, impressed by both Emma’s enthusiasm and natural talent. She returned to Emma’s center, matching her speed to the other woman's. Emma dug her hips harder into Allison’s face; fiery passion roared through their bodies. Both women quivered as they neared climax. Suddenly, Emma tensed and cried out, voice muffled by Allison’s thighs. The sound of Emma’s release triggered Allison’s and they exploded simultaneously, engulfed in the scent and taste of each other. After what felt like an impossibly long time, Emma relaxed and collapsed next to the still-trembling Allison. Emma smiled in spite of her exhaustion, elated by what had just occurred. The smaller woman curled into her, throwing her arm over Emma’s stomach and nestling her head in her shoulder. Emma gave a content murmur and kissed the top of her head.
Emma caught her breath
, then started to laugh. Allison raised a sleepy eyebrow at her. “So that’s what I’ve been missing all these years? I should’ve started dating women ages ago!”
Allison giggled along with her. “Well, yes. But that was… better than usual. Much better.”
Emma intertwined their fingers together, marveling at how right it all felt. Like being wrapped in a cocoon of bliss, untouchable by the rest of the world. It was everything she had never let herself dream of wanting. Allison’s breath slowed and evened out as she slept. Closing her eyes, she joined her love in dreamland.
* * *
Allison awoke suddenly the next morning and knew something was wrong without opening her eyes. The warmth of Emma’s body curled around her own had been replaced with cold air. Heart sinking, she scrambled to sit up. Ascertaining that her small apartment was indeed empty aside from her and Sammy’s thumping tail, she sagged against the counter. The jubilant glow from last night vanished entirely, along with visions of a sweet, romantic weekend brunch in Allison’s sunlit kitchen. Dread settled in her stomach as she fed Sammy and took him outside to do his business. Not hungry and feeling lost, she finally sank back onto her bed, the covers still tangled from their passionate encounter. Her phone buzzed on her nightstand; heart racing, she snatched it.
* * *
Had to run home to feel Louie. You looked so peaceful and I didn’t want to wake you. Thanks for a fun night!
* * *
Emma cringed as soon as she sent the message. ‘Thanks for a fun night?!’ she said to herself incredulously. That’s the best I could come up with? She’s going to think that last night didn’t mean anything to me! She resisted the temptation to send another message, not wanting to appear clingy and reassuring herself that she would make her feelings more clear after Allison responded. Still, the worry that she had made a serious mistake lingered in the back of her mind, lending a tightness to her throat and slight ache to her head.
Her concern increased exponentially when Allison didn’t respond that day or the next. Hurt by Emma’s abrupt departure and cavalier text, she decided that she wouldn’t put effort into reaching out to her. She had clearly misread Emma; their relationship, whatever it was, had obviously meant much more to her than it did to Emma. The paranoid part of her mind suggested that maybe Emma had decided that she didn’t like being with women after sleeping with one for the first time. Trying to be reasonable, Allison figured that if that was the case, it wasn’t her place to push her. Having successfully convinced herself that the ball was in Emma’s court, Allison threw herself into her studies for the next few days, drowning out her memories—skin pressed together, limbs intertwining, crashing crescendos of pleasure—with detailed procedures and rare diagnoses.
After much pacing over the next few days (to Louie’s constant irritation as Emma’s tension interrupted his naps), Emma resolved to seek out Allison at the hospital. Her stomach knotted as she glimpsed Ally’s slender hands gesturing animatedly at the end of a hallway. Ignoring the blaze of desire that raced through her body as she remembered the heights of passion those hands elicited from her recently, she beelined down the hall only to stop short at the sight of Ally’s companion. She was deep in conversation with a gorgeous, short-haired woman. Her sculpted cheekbones, piercing green eyes, and red lips drew the attention of many passersby, a fact she was clearly aware of—and reveled in. Her presence was tall and commanding. And she was unmistakably flirting with her Ally. A flush of humiliation and dull anger tightened Emma’s chest.
As the rattling of a cart died away, she overheard the woman say in a sensual voice, “I really love the color of your sweater; it brings out the gold in your eyes. Which are beautiful, by the way.”
A loud family obscured the next portion of their conversation; straining, Emma heard the same voice, laden with charm, “Perhaps we can continue this conversation tonight over dinner, then? It’ll be my treat.”
Emma spun and hurried away, not wishing to hear any more of their conversation. Hot, ugly jealousy twisted her stomach. A corner of her mind noted that the woman was right, Allison did look incredible today. The forest green of her sweater highlighted the reddish tones in her hair while her gray slacks skimmed the line of her hips just enough to hint at the curves underneath. Allison’s heart sank as she saw Emma’s blonde hair retreating down the hallway. Well, it serves her right, she thought to herself savagely. If she’s not into me, then I’ll go on a date with someone who clearly is. Besides, I’m not doing anything wrong. It’s not like we’re in a committed relationship. Clearly, Emma doesn’t see me that way. I can flirt with whoever I want. Masking her sudden anger, Allison politely accepted the woman’s invitation and excused herself. She stalked off, determined to show Emma that she was just fine without her.
The Emergency Department was abuzz with the arrival of the stunning new Nurse Manager for the rest of the day. While listening to two male nurses discuss the merits of asking her on a date (which would have been amusing if she was in a better mood, given that Emma was quite sure that they weren’t exactly the woman’s type), Emma learned that her name was Charlotte and she had just been transferred from one of the smaller satellite medical centers. Apparently, she had a reputation; intelligent, dedicated to her job, and adored by patients. All of these attributes contributed to her rapid rise through the ranks at her previous location until she caught the attention of the hospital administrators, who decided her talent would be better utilized at the larger hospital. None of this information endeared her to Emma; she was stunning, successful, and very clear about who she wanted—basically, Emma’s biggest nightmare.
Emma avoided Allison for the next few days until, fueled by several glasses of wine and one of Sarah’s annoyingly logical pep talks, she texted to ask if they were still on for their dinner reservations the following night. She spent a restless night waiting for Ally’s response, twitching every time she thought her phone buzzed. Louie eventually gave up trying to sleep on the bed, instead curling up on her chair with an irritated meow.
A message finally appeared the next morning. Emma’s elation at seeing Ally’s name on her screen quickly disappeared; disappointment seeped through her body as she reread Ally’s message.
Can’t do dinner tonight, I’m sorry. Need to study for next week’s exam.
Emma sighed, her worst fears realized. This was the third time Ally had canceled plans in so many weeks, but Emma was convinced that this time was due to her own abrupt departure after their night together. Or to Allison’s interest in Charlotte. Jealousy ripped through her she imagined the two women holding hands during a candlelit dinner, ending the evening with a steamy kiss…
“Well, Louie, guess it’s just you and me tonight.” She tried to smile as she stroked her fluffy cat.
Sarah lifted her eyebrows at Emma’s expression when she walked into the kitchen.
“She canceled again, didn’t she?”
“She has to study. She’s overwhelmed with all the material, that’s all.”
Sarah rolled her eyes. “Emma, you need to talk to her about how you’re feeling. I’m sick of watching you be miserable every time she cancels on you. She needs to decide if she’s willing to put time and effort into your relationship.”
“She hasn’t bailed that many times, and we’re not in a relationship,” Emma mumbled. “We’re just…”
“No? What are you, then? Friends who hook up sometimes? You love her, Emma, I know you do.”
Tears pricked Emma’s eyes as the fears she’d been holding at bay for weeks crashed down on her. Her damp fingers clenched the couch cushion as she fought back the sobs threatening to escape her throat. Sarah took one look at her expression and tugged her down to the couch, wrapping comforting arms around her. Emma blubbered into Sarah’s shoulder for a few minutes, soaking her roommate’s shirt. Gaining control of herself, she sat back as Sarah handed her a box of tissues.
Her normally business-like tone gentle, Sarah prompted, “Come on, tell me wh
at’s been happening. You’ve been distracted and emotional for weeks now—sometimes over the moon and then devasted the next day. We both know that’s not like you.”
Sarah was right. Emma couldn’t remember the last time she had felt so emotionally fragile and unstable. She wiped her cheeks, blew her nose, and let out a shaky sigh; pent up words tumbled out in a rush as she relayed the events of the last few weeks. “Ally’s just been so distant, and I don’t understand why she keeps canceling when we have plans, and I’m terrified of how much it hurts me when she does.”
She hesitated, but the need to share her burden was too great. Avoiding Sarah’s eyes, she added, “We slept together last weekend. And it was wonderful, but I woke up early in the morning and just had to get out of there, so I left without saying goodbye. And I texted her later that I left because I had to feed Louie and she never responded. So… it’s my fault that she canceled, and now she’s probably out with Charlotte.” The name fell harshly from her tongue.
“I mean, how am I supposed to compete with that woman?” Emma cried, all her bitterness and confusion coming to a head. “She’s practically perfect; she’s so gorgeous she could be a damn model! And she was absolutely drooling over Allison whereas I was hiding in a corner too afraid to tell her how I feel. And I’m scared of how strong my feelings for Allison are because she clearly doesn’t feel the same way if she’s so ready to go out with someone else. And on top of that, I’m terrified that the fact that I have such strong feelings for her makes me gay, and how the hell am I supposed to tell my parents that? I hate that I feel this way—I hate myself for being like this. If anyone in my family knew… you know how they’d react. We spent twenty years being told that we’d go straight to hell for being gay, I’m sure you remember. I don’t want to be gay. I can’t. I refuse.”