Her Remedy

by Rose Marini

  Her heart slowed; it was a relief to finally give life to the trepidations swirling around her brain for the past months. She was quiet for several moments. Sarah waited, knowing that Emma usually saved the most important pieces of information for last.

  “You’re right, I do love her,” Emma whispered. “I just don’t know what that means for me, for us… But looking back, you know, I think I loved her in college too. I just didn’t realize that that’s what being in love felt like.”

  “I remember how different you were the summer after you met her,” Sarah commented. “You were miserable. I just thought it was because you were sad about graduating.”

  “I mean, that was part of it. But I think missing Allison was a bigger part.”

  As the silence lengthened, Sarah ventured a question. “So… why did you leave without saying goodbye? You know I would’ve fed Louie for you. I’ve done it before, after all.”

  Emma winced. “I know. I don’t know. I just… freaked out. I woke up and I was so comfortable and so happy. She looked so beautiful, laying in the early morning sun…”

  She blushed. “Anyway, then I started thinking about everything that had happened the night before, and it all felt so wonderful and perfect when it was happening but when I remembered it, I just felt… dirty. Wrong. And then I thought about what my parents would say if they knew. And I panicked and left. Thank you, twenty years of homophobic church teachings,” she finished bitterly.

  “It makes sense to be overwhelmed and scared by such a new thing, though,” Sarah reassured her. “Like you said, you’ve got years of thinking a certain way to overcome. It’s totally normal and understandable that you needed some space to process everything.”

  Sarah watched her friend nod and was pleased to see a measure of relief cross her face. Continuing, she asked, “Why didn’t you tell Allison the truth, though? She’s been through this too. She would’ve understood that you needed some time.”

  “I don’t know. I know I should have,” Emma said as her gaze sank to the floor. “Just doing the usual, paralyzed-by-fear, avoid-everything-scary-and-difficult Emma thing, I guess.”

  Sarah eyed her. “That doesn’t have to be your go-to response, Emma. There are other moves.”

  “I know that, in my head I know that. It’s just the… doing it part that’s hard.”

  “So, what are you going to do about it?” Sarah prodded.

  Emma’s shoulders slumped. “I have no idea.”

  “Good thing I have plenty of ideas, then,” Sarah stated, businesslike. Emma’s lips curved into a small smile against her will. Seeing her childhood friend in lawyer mode was always amusing.

  “First issue: Allison. The way I see it, you have two choices. You can keep being afraid, not saying how you feel, and then being disappointed when you don’t get what you want even though you’ve never told her what you want. Frankly, I’m betting that she’s just as scared as you are—and she’ll never know how you feel about her if you don’t say it. Furthermore, I bet Charlotte is a non-issue. Anyone with eyes can see how crazy Allison is about you. She’ll pick you—but you have to make it clear that you are, in fact, an option. Which leads me to your second potential course of action: march over there right now, tell her that you love her and you want to be with her, and see what happens. Worst case scenario, she doesn’t feel the same way and you’re heartbroken for a while. But at least you’ll have tried, Emma.”

  Here she grasped Emma’s hand with intensity. “You’ll be able to look back and know that you did everything in your power to love this woman. That’s a beautiful thing, to love someone without any expectations or conditions. And, if you do that, twenty years from now you won’t be sitting around wondering what you two could have been if you had just told her how you felt.”

  Sarah was silent for a moment, letting her words sink in. Emma nodded but didn’t seem quite capable of forming a response. After giving her friend some time to process, she spoke again. “Second issue: being gay. You know we were raised with a lot of batshit crazy ideas. The prejudice about homosexuality is one of them. There’s nothing wrong with loving another person, regardless of their gender. Hell, the world needs more love, let’s be honest. I think, with time and maybe some therapy—not because there’s anything wrong with you, but because it’s a big undertaking to navigate thought patterns you’ve had all your life—you can come to terms with whatever your sexuality is. I also think your parents will come around. Not right away, but eventually. They love you and want you to be happy. Besides, your mom always called me her second daughter, and I’ll be right there to help you manage things with them. You know, my mom once told me that your mom became much more open-minded about things as a result of their friendship and conversations.”

  Emma smiled, remembering how different their mothers had been. They had forged such an unlikely friendship: one a traditional Southern woman and one a hippie environmental activist. Still, they had loved their own daughters, and the other’s daughter, with the same fierce passion. A bittersweet expression crossed Sarah’s face, and Emma knew that she was missing her mom. She squeezed her friend’s hand, wishing she could take Sarah’s pain away. Once again she was struck by Sarah’s strength. Even though she had just lost her mom less than a year ago, here she was giving Emma support and advice.

  Sarah squeezed her hand back in a silent thanks and continued, “I can think of plenty of angles that we can use to explain your sexuality in a way that they can understand and support. You don’t have to do this alone, Emma.”

  Strength flowed through Emma’s veins at her friend’s words.

  “You’re right,” she said. “Right about all of it.”

  Sarah gave a self-satisfied smile. “I know,” she responded pertly.

  Swiftly Emma stood, kissed Sarah’s cheek in thanks, and strode to her room to grab her car keys. For once in her life, Emma was going to go after what she wanted, regardless of her fear of what might happen.

  6

  Though Allison refused to admit it to herself, she had been carefully avoiding Emma since their most recent encounter. It was an odd sensation, simultaneously aching to see someone, to hold her and be comforted by her, while being absolutely, mind-numbingly terrified of all of those things. Emma had clearly changed her mind about being interested in her romantically, based on her disappearing act after their night together. Besides, she knew that the more time she spent with Emma, the more likely she was to fall back in love with her, and she couldn’t handle the prospect of loving and losing her a second time. Studying provided the perfect excuse to maintain a certain level of distance between the two of them. Furthermore, she would never forgive herself if she jeopardized her career for a relationship for a second time. Her parents had taught her to value her career above all else, and she had taken it to heart. So alone at her kitchen table she sat, surrounded by unfriendly textbooks. As these thoughts swirled around her brain for the millionth time, her doorbell rang.

  Sammy’s barks echoed in the entryway. Confused, Allison looked down at her stained t-shirt and baggy sweatpants and decided to ignore it. The resolute tone rang through the air a second time. Irritated, she reluctantly padded towards the doorway, swing open the door to say brusquely, “Can I help—”

  Her heart surged into her throat as she registered the impossibly blue eyes staring back at her.

  Instantly regretting her unkempt appearance, Allison stuttered, “Em? Hi, what—?”

  Her question was interrupted as Emma launched herself at the younger woman, wrapping her arms around her and kissing her passionately. Stunned, Allison stood stock still for a moment. For a brief moment, a weight hammered into Emma’s chest as she started to pull away; clearly, this had been a terrible mistake. Then Allison’s hands slid around her body to keep her close, her lips zealously returning the kiss.

  “Wait,” Emma pulled away, her voice hoarse. “I didn’t come here just for this.” She paused, the words stuck in their throat. Allison took he
r hands and realized she was shaking.

  A frown creased Allison’s forehead, her eyebrows drawing together in confusion. “Why did you come?”

  “Because… because I need to tell you that I love you, Allison Williams. I love the way you curl into me when you’re sleepy, I love your tenacity and kindness, I love how you make me feel strong and capable. And I’m sorry because I know it took me way too long to figure this out, but I want you, Allison. I want all of you in every possible way. And I want to be yours and only yours.”

  Allison quivered, awed by the tenderness and longing she saw in Emma’s eyes. For a moment the small voice in the back of her head questioned what she was about to do, but she clung to the love in Emma’s eyes instead of giving in to her fear. She reached up to pull Emma’s lips to hers; Emma responded with such vigorous passion that they stumbled back into the entryway. Their momentum carried them until Emma pinned Allison to the wall, pressing their bodies tightly together. Allison’s mind was blissfully blank, overwhelmed by roving hands and Emma’s lips on her neck. They fumbled at each other’s clothes; they dropped to the floor, instantly forgotten. Allison nipped Emma’s ear, eliciting an irresistible moan. They stumbled to Allison’s bedroom, their tangled embrace hampering their movements.

  * * *

  A few hours later, Allison curled contentedly around Emma, reveling in the warmth and softness of her body. She pulled the sheets up over their shoulders and her eyes drifted shut. She dozed, lulled to sleep by incandescent bliss and a sense of peace she hadn’t felt in months. Emma’s quiet voice tugged her out of her reverie.

  “Uh, Ally? Can I ask you a question?”

  Allison nuzzled her nose in Emma’s hair sleepily and murmured, “Of course, what is it?”

  “Well… I was just wondering… about Charlotte. I thought you might be into her.” She paused and her next words spilled out in an embarrassed rush. “I overheard her asking you out.”

  A small laugh escaped Allison’s lips. “Charlotte? Absolutely not. We went to coffee yesterday and I was wishing I was with you the whole time. She’s too cocky for me. I like my women quirky and humble and a little clumsy, just like you. I politely declined when she asked me on a second date.”

  A wave of jealousy roared over Emma. Oblivious to her struggle, Allison chuckled. “She was a little offended and asked why I wasn’t interested—it seems that she doesn’t get rejected often.”

  For a moment curiosity overpowered Emma’s wariness. “What did you tell her?”

  “That I was already in love with someone else,” Allison replied in a calm voice.

  She pressed her lips to Emma’s head as she felt the other woman relax. A satisfied smile curled Emma’s lips as she drifted off to sleep. Allison breathed in Emma’s scent, a comforting mix of floral shampoo and her own unique essence, as she joined her girlfriend in slumber.

  7

  “Hey, Em?” Allison asked tentatively. Emma turned away from the stove, frowning. Ally was many things; tentative was not one of them. They were in Emma’s kitchen; Ally perched on a bar stool, studying, while Emma made one of their favorite dinners, red curry with bell peppers and chicken.

  “Yes, my love?” Emma responded. Her concern was briefly outweighed by the thrill that ran through her body. She would have expected to become less awed by Ally’s beauty over time, but the opposite had occurred. Now the sight of her full lips and slender hands reminded Emma of all the incredible feelings Ally could elicit from her, sending a flame of desire into her core.

  The younger woman took a deep breath and her fists clenched unconsciously in her lap. “Do you think I could meet your parents sometime, maybe? Not necessarily as your girlfriend at first, if you’re not ready for that. I was just thinking that maybe they’ll accept me better as your girlfriend if they’ve known and liked me for a while first. And, I don’t know… I hate feeling like I don’t know anything about that part of your life.”

  A shadow passed over Emma’s face. “I don’t know, Ally.” She hesitated, fighting the anxiety that scoured her skin at the thought of telling her family about their relationship. “This is all so new… That’s such a big step.”

  “It’s been months,” Allison reminded her. “You are going to tell them sometime, right? Or will you hide me forever?” She tried to hide the bitterness from her voice, but Emma pressed her lips together and she realized she had been unsuccessful.

  “I’m sorry, I’m not trying to rush you. I know you need to do this in your own time, in whatever way you’re most comfortable with. I guess I’m just trying to figure out where you’re at with this.”

  Emma forced a smile on her face but it didn’t fool Allison, who recognized the fear in her eyes. “No, of course I’ll tell them. I really do want to. I don’t like keeping things from them, and I do want you to be involved in my whole life, not just one corner of it. It’s just… terrifying.”

  Allison stood and slipped her arms around the taller woman. “I know. It was hard for me too, and my parents aren’t as conservative as yours. It’ll be okay, Em. They love you. It might take them some time to get used to it, but they will eventually.”

  Emma nestled into Allison’s shoulder, considering the sentiment. “I think you’re right, or at least I hope you are. I mean, I’m their only daughter. But before they come to terms with it—if they come to terms with it—there will be hard conversations, they’ll say hurtful things, their friends will ostracize me… I’m just not looking forward to any of that.”

  Allison squeezed her tighter for a moment, then released her. “What if you start small?” She asked reasonably. “You’ve already talked to Sarah about it and she was so supportive. Why not start by reaching out to your brother? From what you’ve told me, he’s pretty laid back and tolerant. Maybe telling more people who react positively will increase your confidence when it comes to your parents.”

  “That’s not a bad idea. I’ll think about it. I just need some more time to process things. Is that okay?” In contrast to her question, Emma’s tone held a note of finality that indicated she was done with the conversation.

  Allison sighed internally but kissed Emma’s cheek and responded, “Of course that’s okay. Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”

  Allison brought up the matter to Devon a few days later, sitting at his kitchen table and stroking Princess as she slept in her lap. “I guess I just don’t know how long I should give her before I push the issue. I really can’t live in the closet forever. It feels too much like she’s ashamed of me, or ashamed of being gay, and I can’t be with someone who feels that way. I don’t want to pressure her if she’s not ready, but I also can’t understand how she can live with a secret like that. I told my parents within weeks of figuring out I was a lesbian. I knew it was my truth and I wanted to live it.”

  “Well, you and Emma are very different people,” Devon responded. “Everyone knows you’re practically fearless and unabashedly outspoken.”

  Allison snorted at the thought that people saw her as fearless. If only they knew how often anxiety overwhelmed her!

  Ignoring this, Devon continued, “Emma’s much more hesitant. Besides, you weren’t ever really afraid that your parents would disown you if they knew the truth. Emma’s dealing with much higher stakes.”

  Ben nodded in agreement and added, “You have to remember that she was raised in the deep South, so she was taught to never acknowledge unpleasant or difficult truths. Living in the South, especially, I’d imagine, as a queer woman, doesn’t exactly teach you to speak your mind whenever you want. That, combined with the rampant homophobia, is why it took me eight years to come out to my family.”

  Allison sighed. “I know, you’re right. She deserves patience and understanding—it’s not as easy as I make it out to be in my head. I just don’t know where to draw the line, I suppose. When do I stop sacrificing my need to live authentically for her need to take things slow with her family?”

  “That is a great question, and one t
hat only you can answer,” Ben said quietly.

  Allison frowned. “I had so hoped that’s not what you would say.”

  She was quiet for a moment, then added. “It also bothers me that she seems ashamed of being queer. I’m so happy that I am the way I am! Maybe this sounds silly but being a lesbian has brought such joy to my life. And I understand why she isn’t confident in it yet, but it also brings up memories of when I hated this part of myself. I don’t want to go back to that, not after knowing how much depth and happiness it can add to my life.”

  Both men smiled at her with expressions that indicated that they knew exactly what she meant. Devon squeezed Ben’s hand as it settled on his shoulder.

  “That makes complete sense,” Devon responded. “It’s good that you’re proud to be who you are. Hopefully, she’ll get there too. To be fair, she only just started this journey a few months ago.”

  “Have you talked to Emma about how you’ve been feeling?” Ben inquired.

  “I’ve mentioned it, but I haven’t told her how much it’s bothering me. I don’t want to pressure her to come out before she’s ready, you know? I hate keeping this from her, but I don’t know any way to talk to her about it without her feeling like I’m pushing her to move more quickly. And she has to come out because she wants to, not because I want her to. It needs to be her decision.”

  “That makes sense,” Devon responded. “But I still think you should tell her that it upsets you… It’s not healthy for a relationship to keep things bottled up for too long. I’m sure you can do it in a way that conveys how you’ve been struggling without pressuring her to make any moves she’s not comfortable with.”

  Allison sighed. “Maybe,” she replied in a doubtful tone. “I’ll just give it some more time and hopefully things will resolve on their own. It’s unfortunate that I’ve never been the most patient person,” she said ruefully.