Her Remedy

by Rose Marini

  “Of course, my love. By the way, did you get your test results back today?”

  Allison sighed and she responded in a quiet voice, “Yeah… we did.”

  “Uh oh, was it bad?”

  “I guess it wasn’t terrible. I scored third in the class.”

  Emma started to laugh. “My love, you can’t possibly be disappointed in yourself for that. You’ve been at the top of your class for every other exam. The third highest score is still great!”

  “Yeah, I guess,” Allison responded in a muted voice. The voice in her head—the voice of her parents—demanded perfection.

  “Babe, I say this with a lot of love, but seems like you might be overreacting a little bit,” Emma remarked.

  Irked by the amused tone in her voice, Allison rolled her eyes. “Yeah, maybe, but I’m still going to need to be a hermit these next few weeks to make up for it. I’ll need to take a rain check on our dates for a little while—I just really need to hunker down and study.”

  Emma sighed. She had noticed that Allison had a difficult time balancing her personal life and work. Sometimes it was as if she was swamped by tunnel vision; everything ceased to exist besides her success in residency. On one hand, she deeply admired Allison’s dedication and constant drive to improve. On the other hand, it was frustrating to always play second fiddle to Allison’s work, especially when she was doing such a great job and had no reason to worry.

  Forcing her voice to remain neutral, Emma responded, “Of course, I understand, babe. Maybe I can bring over some dinner a couple times next week so you don’t have to cook and we can spend a little time together?”

  “Thanks for the offer, but I’ll probably just order some delivery and study while I eat,” Allison called back absently.

  Preoccupied with thoughts of the next test, she finished cleaning up, not registering Emma’s sudden silence. Without noticing Emma’s frustrated look, Allison flopped on the couch next to her and pulled out her phone, commenting, “Oh my god, I saved this video to show you. It’s a cat meeting a dog for the first time and it’s hysterical.”

  Allison’s giggles mingled with the barking coming from the video. Looking up, she noticed Emma’s stony face for the first time.

  “Em, what’s wrong? Normally you’d be crying with laughter at this video.”

  "Nothing… just a stressful day, I guess.”

  Allison narrowed her eyes at her. “Nope, I don’t believe that. You’ve been fine all evening.”

  Silence yawned between them. Allison probed, “Come on, spill. I can tell you’re upset about something. Just let it out so we can talk about it.”

  Emma took a deep breath as her frustrations from the last few weeks boiled over. “Ally, I guess I feel like… it would be nice to see you more than once or twice a week. Your grades are basically perfect, and you don't have to take your end of the year exam for what, eight months? You can take a break from studying sometimes, you know. To be honest, I feel like you don’t want to make time for me."

  All of Allison's fears and frustrations surged to the forefront of her mind; her mom’s warning echoed in her ears. Her dream of becoming a renowned physician didn't leave time for a serious relationship. And, though she refused to admit it to herself, she was terrified by the thought of becoming more attached to Emma than she already was. The deeper in love she fell, the more painful it would be to lose her, and Allison had no desire to experience that heartbreak for the second time.

  "Are you serious? My grades aren’t perfect—I literally just told you that I didn’t do well on this last exam! And I’m here now, aren’t I, even though I should be studying?”

  Emma looked down, refusing to meet her gaze as her response tangled in her throat. The resentment Allison had been fending off for months finally surfaced. “You want me to put my career in jeopardy for what? For a woman who won't even admit that she's gay to herself, much less anyone else? I’ve made you part of my life! You’ve met my parents, you text my sister all the time, I’ve told all my friends about you. And it still isn’t enough for you! I don’t know what you want from me!"

  Emma paled as tears welled in her eyes but Allison set her jaw and plunged ahead, suddenly desperate to be anywhere else.

  "Look, this obviously isn't working. You want more time than I can give, and I don't want to hide in the closet with you forever. It just... it reminds me too much of all the shame and fear I felt for so many years. I want to be able to hold your hand in public, I want to meet your family and be honest about who I am to you. I want to act like a normal couple! I’m sick of feeling like you're ashamed of me. Hell, you didn’t even bother to introduce me to your dad a few weeks ago at the hospital. You could’ve at least presented me as a friend."

  "Just a couple of months ago you told me to take my time coming out!” Emma retorted, anger freeing her tongue. “Ally, you know it's not that easy. You know how intense my family is. I just don’t think it’s the right time—"

  Allison cut her off. "Yeah, well, I’m running out of patience, especially if you’re going to ask me to compromise my work for you. It’ll never be the right time with them! You’ll always be too scared to tell them the truth. Honestly, I think you're in denial about who you are, and I can’t be with someone who’s not honest with herself. I can’t keep living as your dirty little secret."

  Silence gaped between them. Salty tears streaked Emma’s cheeks. Allison took her lack of response for agreement. “I should go.”

  She grabbed her jacket off the back of the chair; Emma opened her mouth to say something, anything, but the front door slammed and it was too late. Ally was gone. Her angry words echoed around the empty apartment. Hugging a pillow, Emma curled her knees to her chest, sobs tearing at her lungs. Even Louie’s gentle purring didn’t lend its usual comfort. Exhausted—she’d worked several two-day shifts that week—she leaned her aching head against the back of the couch and drifted into an uneasy sleep.

  Allison's hands shook on the steering wheel as she drove home. Rage prickled her skin. She was furious with herself, with Emma, with the person driving stupidly slowly in front of her. Once again, she had let herself fall in love with Emma and ended up with the same heartbreak as the last time. Well, she'd learned her lesson this time. Never again would she fall for a girl who claimed to be straight—especially not that beautiful blonde woman who had just broken her heart for the second time.

  She reached her apartment and spent the next few hours scrubbing every surface she could find as Sammy paced around her nervously. Then she shoved the vacuum across the floor, clenching her teeth and willing its roar to drown out the sound of Emma’s sobs as she left. Eventually, she ran out of things to clean, threw herself on her bed and, as her rage transformed into crushing grief, gave herself over to the agony clawing at her chest.

  9

  For Emma, the weeks following their breakup were... gray. All over everything gray. Hazy, blurry fog. She brushed off questions from friends and family, blaming a nonexistent cold for her downcast mood, and ignored Sarah’s worried looks. The earth had spun off its axis; everything felt off-kilter. She was rudderless, floating helplessly with no rescue in sight. At every moment she was acutely aware of the gaping hole in her life that the vibrant, passionate Ally had occupied.

  Allison’s weeks were red. Anger was better than wallowing in the crushing pain of losing Emma for the second time. Rage at herself, rage at Emma, rage at her parents, rage at Emma’s parents, rage at the stranger across the street minding his own business. Fiery, incessant fury was more tolerable than the raw despair and regret lurking just beyond her anger.

  As winter’s icy fingers gradually loosened their grip, the thin layer of snow gave way to mud. Allison’s temper became milder along with the weather, slowly transforming from sleepless nights into a regret-filled routine. Wake up, miss Emma’s brilliant blue eyes gazing at her. Go to work, feel like being crushed by a rock every time she glimpsed Emma’s blonde hair or they had to pretend to be ci
vil for the sake of their patients and colleagues. Ignore Devon and Ben’s pitying looks. Fall into bed, ache for Emma’s body pressed to hers. Wonder for the millionth time if she had done the right thing. Remind herself for the trillionth time that she had to stand up for what she needed in a relationship. Fall asleep asking herself if she should’ve been more patient, if she should’ve stayed to fight through it, if she had given up on their relationship too quickly.

  On a warm Friday in April, Allison leaned against a counter discussing a difficult patient with Kiran and Charlotte, two of the nurses on shift with her. She and Charlotte had settled into a comfortable working relationship, and—to her surprise—the nurse had retained a respectful distance even though Allison knew she had noticed her and Emma’s awkwardness since the breakup. A familiar-looking man wearing a black suit and a stern look approached, interrupting their discussion. “Allison Williams?” He asked, his tone serious. A nervous flash rippled through her when he spoke; this was Emma’s dad.

  “Yes, that’s me,” Allison responded uncertainly. “How can I help you?”

  “I’m Robert Simmons, hospital administrator. You need to come with me. Another resident has been called in to cover the rest of your shift. Bring your things.”

  She exchanged bewildered looks with the nurses, Kiran squeezing her shoulder briefly, but did as she was told, grabbing her bag from the resident’s workroom before rejoining him outside. He was silent as he strode through a maze of hallways. Trotting alongside him—for a second, she wondered if he walked this fast just to intimidate her—Allison mustered the courage to inquire, “May I ask, sir, what this is about?”

  “It will be clear in a moment,” he replied coldly. Fear settled in the pit of Allison’s stomach. Could someone have discovered her and Emma’s relationship? Wracking her brain, she tried to come up with another reason Emma’s dad would pull her aside and came up empty.

  A few minutes later, they entered a large, well-decorated office. A dark wood desk was tucked into the corner, but the room was dominated by an ornate conference table lined with leather chairs. Four were occupied by well-dressed professionals wearing serious expressions.

  “Have a seat, Dr. Williams,” Mr. Simmons indicated the chair at the end of the table as he settled next to an older woman with a severe frown. “You will recognize Dr. Pacheo, Chair of the Emergency Medicine department.”

  She knew Dr. Pacheo well; even though he was Chair of the department, he took great interest in the residents’ education, even giving the introductory lecture on their first day. He was intense, but she’d come to respect his quick intelligence and fierce championship of his patients. He nodded to her once, concern creasing his brow.

  “This is Dr. Liu,” Mr. Simmons continued, “Chair of the Hospital Oversight Committee.”

  Dr. Liu nodded to Allison as well, no emotion crossing her face.

  “And Mrs. Duran, legal representative for the hospital,” Mr. Simmons indicated the severe-looking woman to his left. She leveled a harsh stare at Allison, who was grateful to look away as Mr. Simmons introduced the final member of the group.

  “Finally, Mr. Ortiz, head of the Drug Diversion and Enforcement Program.”

  Mr. Ortiz’s dark eyes looked at her from under heavy brows and his lips pressed together, though out of disapproval or worry, Allison couldn’t say.

  “Dr. Williams, do you know why you are here today?” Mrs. Duran leveled her gaze at Allison, her tight bun shaking slightly as she spoke with an accusatory tone.

  “No, I’m sorry, but I really have no idea,” Allison answered quietly but firmly, forcing herself to hold Mrs. Duran’s gaze. She held her trembling hands in her lap, out of sight.

  “On Saturday, January 12th, at 6:43pm, your ID code and password were used to obtain two medications from the automated drug dispenser in the emergency room. Six 10 milligram hydrocodone tablets and ten 40 milligram tablets of oxycodone were removed.”

  Allison felt like a beetle pinned to a card as Ms. Duran inspected her, her thick brows drawing over accusatory eyes.

  Mr. Ortiz continued tonelessly, “As you likely know, opioid medication is closely monitored due to its addictive qualities. Upon review, it became clear that you did not prescribe or administer this medication to any patients that day, or the following day. Indeed, you were not on shift that weekend. Thus, we must ask: why did you withdraw a controlled Schedule II drug if not to administer to a patient?” He paused and a note of warning entered his voice as he added, “Think very carefully about your answer, Dr. Williams.”

  Mr. Ortiz’ words echoed in Allison’s ears. This had to be a misunderstanding—she hadn’t stolen any drugs! January 12th… Why does that date sound familiar? Suddenly she remembered—that was the weekend Emma had surprised her with a romantic getaway to the Smoky Mountains to celebrate their ‘six-month anniversary’. Allison never paid much attention to the date they made their relationship official, but Emma liked to do something special for her on that day each month. Allison had also suspected that the trip was a silent apology for Emma’s refusal to include her in any of her family’s holiday celebrations during the preceding weeks. Allison’s work schedule hadn’t allowed her enough time to go home for the holidays, so she spent Christmas alone in her apartment, consoling herself with Sammy’s cuddles and several bottles of wine. The ensuing argument had been horrible. She should have known then that she and Emma would never be able to make it work. Forcing her thoughts away from the fight and back into the present, Allison dug her nails into her palms. How could she have been so impatient and pushy?

  Taking a deep breath to calm herself, she replied, “I have no idea who took that medication, or how they found my security information, but I didn’t even set foot in the hospital that weekend. I was out of town on a trip with a friend.”

  Mrs. Duran leaned forward. “Tell us more about this trip. When did you leave? Where did you stay?”

  Sweat drenched Allison’s shirt even as her skin felt cold and clammy. “I left on Friday afternoon after my shift was over for the day. It was a cabin in the Smoky Mountains in Tennessee, near, um…”

  Here she stumbled, overcome with fear. She clenched her fingers together, ignoring the condemning looks from Mr. Simmons and Mrs. Duran. The others’ expressions were indiscernible.

  “Pigeon Forge,” Allison suddenly remembered. “The town was Pigeon Forge. We hiked, ate pizza, went to a local dive bar… We came back home late Sunday night.”

  “We?” Mr. Simmons arched one eyebrow. “Who accompanied you on this trip?”

  Allison panicked. Emma’s father still didn’t know that she and Emma were friends, much less that they had been in a relationship. “Just a friend,” she mumbled, staring at the table.

  “What is this friend’s name? Will they be willing to corroborate your statement?”

  Allison was silent, desperately seeking a way to answer without outing Emma to her father.

  Dr. Pacheo leaned forward. The kindness in his eyes was worse than the accusation in the other faces staring at her. “Allison, it will be better if you just tell the truth about what happened. If you’ve been using drugs, we can get you the help you need, and we’ll testify to the police that you’re a first-time offender. We know emergency medicine is an overwhelming field—it’s understandable that you turned to unhealthy coping skills. Just tell us what occurred that weekend.”

  Panic swamped the young woman, driving the air from her lungs. She couldn’t out Emma to her father! At the same time, her career was on the line. The career she had worked towards for almost twenty years. And she couldn’t go to jail! Incoherent terror obliterated her thoughts. Finally, voice wavering slightly, she replied, “I don’t know who took the meds or how they got my code and password, but it wasn’t me. Isn’t there security footage or something that will show that I didn’t do it?”

  Dr. Liu spoke for the first time. “Unfortunately, security footage is only stored for four months. It sounds like you’re suggesting
that someone compromised your personal login code and password. Can you think of how that may have occurred? Did anyone have access to your email or cell phone in the last year?”

  “I have no idea,” Allison shook her head and responded, desperation strangling her voice, “Please believe me, I didn’t do this! I’ve never done any drugs, and I would never jeopardize my career like this. I’ve wanted to be a doctor my entire life!”

  Dr. Liu leaned back in her chair, her expression still unreadable. “Be that as it may, we have launched an internal investigation. Due to the fact that a controlled substance is involved, we will also be forced to notify the police that the theft has occurred. You may wish to retain legal counsel.”

  Mrs. Duran nodded and continued. “You are hereby banned from the premises of this hospital until the investigation has concluded. You must now hand over your access badge. Your email and other accounts will be suspended.”

  In shock, Allison removed her badge from her jacket pocket and placed it on the table. The image of herself in her long-awaited white coat stared at her, her wide smile mocking Allison’s fear. Even the shock of seeing Emma again hadn’t been enough to temper her joy when they took pictures on Orientation Day and she realized that she had finally achieved her dream.

  Her footsteps echoed as she strode around Devon’s kitchen like a caged panther, the words of the committee replaying in her head.

  “Well, it’s obviously just a mistake,” Devon said bracingly. “I mean, you weren’t even here. I’m sure they’ll figure out who did it and you’ll be fine.”

  “That’s just it, though,” Allison cried, shaking her head. “They don’t believe that I wasn’t here and since my code was used, they don’t seem too inclined to look for anyone else. They had decided I was guilty before I even walked into the room.”