Awakened in September

by Kelsey Clayton

  Shaking the thoughts from my mind, I take the puck with my stick and pick up the pace. Our goalie, Logan, looks ready for me to take my shot but he doesn’t stand a chance. I raise my eyebrows as I watch the puck fly past his glove and into the top left corner of the goal.

  “Fuck you, Rivers.” He chuckles, causing me to laugh with him.

  I skate to the back of the line and Jason pats me on the helmet. He’s been asking me what’s wrong for the past few days but I always make it seem like it’s nothing. Still, knowing he’s there for me if I need him helps – even if I’ll never take him up on it.

  THE NEXT DAY, I’M sitting in my room and trying to come up with a plan. Ever since that talk with Brandon, I’m determined to make Kayleigh and I official. I can’t just ask her to be my girlfriend, though. I need to do something special. She deserves to be romanced in the best possible ways.

  I rack my brain for what seems like hours, but in reality is probably only twenty minutes or so. When the ideas just aren’t coming to me, I call the one person who has always been good at this stuff.

  “Hey H.” Josephine answers.

  “Jo, I need your help.”

  I can almost hear her grin through the phone. “Well, there’s a sentence I don’t hear enough. What’s up?”

  “I’m trying to plan a date for Kayleigh, something nice because my goal is to make us official.”

  My sister squeals into the phone, making me cringe and pull the device away from my ear. “Thank God. I was beginning to think you’ve lost your ever-loving mind.”

  “What do you mean?” My eyebrows furrow as I roll over onto my back.

  “You brought her home for Thanksgiving and expected everyone to believe you two were just friends. I’ve known you for as long as I can remember. You’re anything but friends.”

  “Okay, touché.” I give her that one. “Now, are you going to help me or do you just plan on making fun of me the whole time?”

  The two of us spend the next hour and a half looking up places near campus. She finds the perfect floral arrangement at a flower shop ten minutes from here, and we decide on a restaurant that I know neither of us have never been to. It’s fancy and will probably cost a pretty penny, but she’s worth it.

  “So, you think she could be it?” Jo asks before we get off the phone.

  “Be what?”

  “You know, the one.”

  I choke on air and need to remember how to breathe again. Still, I can’t find it in me to deny it. Could she be? Can I really see myself spending the rest of my life with her? Well, let’s just say I can’t picture spending my life without her, so that’s saying something.

  “Maybe. I don’t know.” I downplay my answer, not ready to talk about all that yet.

  She sighs. “Alright, well good luck brudder. Let me know how it goes.”

  “Thanks. I will.”

  I hang up and let the phone fall to my side, her words still playing in my head. I can almost picture it; Kayleigh in a white dress, walking down a long aisle to me standing at the end of it – vowing to love each other in front of everyone important to us. It’s perfect, but something is missing. The image in my mind has two empty seats in the front row, reserved for my parents who won’t be sitting there. The reminder feels like a knife getting plunged directly into my heart.

  Without a second thought, I stand up and make my way downstairs, grabbing the closest bottle of alcohol and pouring out four shots. I take them quickly, one going down after another and burning my throat.

  “Woah Rivers.” Caleb appears beside me. “Take it easy. It’s only six and it’s going to be a long night.”

  “Fuck off.” I murmur and pour a few more.

  All I need is for the pain to dull a little, and this is the best way I know how.

  THE LOUD MUSIC FILLS my ears and mixes with my alcohol induced haze. To be honest, I could really use a joint right about now, but I’m too drunk to find one. I’m leaning against the wall and drinking what must be my tenth beer when a blonde ends up in front of me. I won’t lie, she’s attractive, but she’s nothing like Kayleigh.

  “Can I help you?” I slur.

  She looks me up and down like I’m something to eat. “Maybe. What do you say we go up to your room?”

  “No thanks. I’m a taken man.”

  “No, you’re not. You’ve been single since you broke up with Bree Lawson.”

  Okay, ew. Does she stalk me or something? Why is everyone so obsessed with my love life?

  “Well then, maybe I’m just not interested.”

  Her face contorts in disbelief as she crosses her arms. “Whatever.” She stomps away like she’s having a temper tantrum, leaving me alone to roll my eyes.

  A LITTLE WHILE LATER I’m just getting done with a keg stand that Jesse talked me into when I see Kayleigh walk into the room. She has that barista with her, Derick or whatever the hell his name is. I stumble forward and wrap my arm around her.

  “Kayleigh!” I yell and she flinches at the volume of my voice. Oops.

  “Hey babe.” She smiles, making me melt at the term of endearment. God H. Get a damn grip. “You okay?”

  I nod, quicker than I should have. “Just a little drunk.”

  “A little?”

  Holding up two fingers to show a small amount, I smile. “A little.”

  The barista laughs and pats me on the back before disappearing for a minute. I’m looking around the room when he comes back and I see Kayleigh’s holding a beer.

  “Aw, you got me another beer?” When did she even walk away? “Thank you!” I chug the entire thing in one go, feeling incredibly parched all of a sudden.

  She places a kiss on my cheek and whispers in my ear that she will be right back. As soon as she walks away, it feels like the room is starting to spin. I think I’ll go sit down on the couch and wait for her there.

  I sink into the comfortable cushion and lean my head back. I should really stop drinking for the night. The pain of missing my parents isn’t gone, but it’s bearable. Besides, Kayleigh is here now. Everything will be alright. She’s the perfect distraction.

  Suddenly, there’s a pressure in my lap and a hand covers my eyes. I guess she’s just as eager as I am because lips are pressed against mine and the second I gasp, her tongue enters my mouth. My hands rest on her hips as our mouths move against each other. There is something different about this kiss but I can’t seem to put my finger on it. Maybe it’s just the alcohol messing with my mind.

  “Kayleigh, wait!” I hear someone shout. Wait? Why would she need to wait to kiss me?

  “I think someone needs your attention.” I murmur against her lips.

  “What?” A voice that clearly isn’t Kayleigh’s answers.

  My eyes shoot open to find the same blonde who tried hitting on me earlier. My heart starts to pound in my chest as I take in my surroundings. I just made out with someone else. Caleb is glaring at me from five feet away, and whatever the fuck his name is, is calling for Kayleigh out the front door. Fuck!

  I shove the girl off me and watch as she tumbles to the floor.

  “What the hell, Holden?!”

  Feeling stone cold sober, I get up and go to run out the front door. I need to find Kayleigh. I need to explain. As soon as I get onto the front lawn, I’m tackled to the ground by the barista.

  “Get off me, Darren! I need to find Kayleigh!”

  “You’re not going anywhere.” Caleb steps in front of me. I try to get past him but he pushes me back. “You’re way too drunk and it wouldn’t do any good right now.”

  “You don’t understand! I have to explain!”

  There’s no use. Neither of them will budge. I sit down on the lawn and run my fingers through my hair, completely ignoring the freezing cold temperatures outside. The fact that I may have fucked this up is sickening. Within seconds, I’m turning to vomit the contents of my stomach onto the grass.

  I DON’T END UP falling asleep until nearly four in the morning. Kayleigh�
��s two makeshift bodyguards wouldn’t let me leave to go find her, and they also wouldn’t let me keep drinking. Therefore, I spent the rest of the night throwing up and moping about how everything has quickly turned to shit. I even tried calling and texting her, but haven’t received a response.

  The sound of my alarm wakes me up at 7 AM. I sit up abruptly and grab my phone. As I go to get dressed, I trip over Dawson sleeping on my floor. He groans then chuckles when he sees me fall.

  “Fucking seriously? You had to sleep here?”

  He shrugs. “Had to make sure you didn’t try to leave in the middle of the night.”

  I roll my eyes and grab a sweatshirt to pull over my head. “Well, it’s not the middle of the night anymore. Am I still on lockdown, dad?”

  “Are you still drunk?”

  “No. I may have been wasted, but I’m not an amateur.”

  A small laugh leaves his mouth and he nods. “Then you’re free to go.”

  I grab my keys from the desk and run down to my car. I don’t even know where she is. There is only one place I can think that she would go. It’s the absolute last place I want to show up at, but she’s too important to let anything stand in my way.

  On the way over, I think about the talk I had with Dawson last night. Despite him keeping me from chasing after Kayleigh, he’s not half bad. He clearly just wants whatever is best for her. He’s a good friend and she deserves to have someone like him.

  I pull up to the dorm building I haven’t been at in almost a month. In my haste to get to her, I nearly forget to turn off my car. I run inside and up the stairs, pounding on the door before I can stop myself. I’m starting to wonder if they’re even going to answer, when it swings open to reveal my very angry looking ex-girlfriend.

  “What do you want, Holden?” She spits.

  “Is Kayleigh here?” I practically beg.

  Her hesitation tells me she is before Bree even answers. She looks back into the room and then back at me. “She doesn’t want to see you.”

  Okay, no. There is no way I’m taking that as an answer. I push past her and into the room, blocking out the sound of her screaming at me to get out. Kayleigh is sitting on her bed and the first thing I notice is how obvious it is that she spent the whole night crying. There’s a pain in my chest when I realize I caused this.

  “Shit, Kayleigh. I’m so sorry.” I lunge to hug her but she pushes me away. It hurts but I should have expected it.

  “Go away, Holden.”

  No. Fuck. No. This can’t be happening.

  “Please. We need to talk about this.”

  “I don’t need to do anything except get ready for work.” She sasses. “Just go.”

  I bite my lip as I try to think of what to say. “Will you come home after?”

  “I am home.” The words come out of her mouth and cut me like razor blades.

  Attempting to compose myself, I close my eyes and take a deep breath. The reality is she doesn’t want to see me right now, and my being here is only causing her more pain and suffering. She wants some space and I need to give it to her. My eyes start to water and one tear manages to escape.

  “Okay. Well, I’m sorry, and when you’re ready, I hope you’ll come talk to me.”

  I walk backwards towards the door, keeping my eyes on Kayleigh and trying to burn the image of her into my memory. Bree is yelling something at me, but I don’t care to pay attention. I reluctantly leave the room and head back down to my car.

  MY ROOM IS WAY too small. It feels like everything is crashing down around me and there is not a damn thing I can do about it. I see the notebook containing the details of the big date sitting on my desk and something in me snaps. My hands grip the book and throw it harshly across the room. When that doesn’t satisfy my anger enough, I flip over my desk. Everything goes flying and crashing against the walls. The more I destroy, the angrier I get. How could I have been so stupid to fuck this up?!

  “Woah! Dude, calm down!” Jesse comes rushing in, stopping me from shattering my bedroom mirror. He wraps his arms tightly around me and pulls me down to the floor. “What the hell happened?”

  “I ruined it.” My voice sounds so weak and pathetic. “She’s the only person in the world that I want to be with, and I fucking ruined it.”

  “Ah.” He says in realization. “Caleb told me about what happened last night. That’s rough. Have you tried talking to her?”

  I nod. “I found her at her dorm. She would barely look at me, let alone talk about what happened.”

  “Maybe she was still angry. You should try again.”

  I pick my cracked phone up off the floor and look at the time. She should be halfway through her shift by now. At least at her job she can’t yell at me. I sort through the shambolic remains of my bedroom and manage to find my keys. Jesse’s right. I need to try again.

  When I get to the coffee house, I stop outside for a second to admire Kayleigh through the window. She’s so beautiful that it’s unfair to everything else in the world. Nothing can ever compare to her and she doesn’t even realize it.

  I’m so wrapped up in checking her out, that I almost miss when her eyes meet mine. She looks conflicted as I open the door and step inside. Unfortunately, by the time I get up to the counter, Dawson is standing there instead.

  “Holden, you need to leave.” He’s trying to be gentle yet firm.

  “I just need to talk to her.”

  “She doesn’t want to talk to you.”

  My fingers lace into my hair and I pull in frustration. “She needs to know what happened. Did you tell her what happened?!”

  He shakes his head. “No. I haven’t had a chance, but you’re not doing any good by being here.”

  I can’t just walk out of here. I need to hear her voice, even if I don’t like what she’s telling me. I need her to look in my eyes and say something to me – anything.

  “I want her to tell me to leave. If she tells me to leave, I’ll leave.”

  My expression must tell him that I’m not going to budge because he sighs and walks over to Kayleigh. He caresses her shoulder lovingly and whispers something. A few seconds later, she’s walking over to me.

  “Kayleigh.” I breathe.

  “You need to leave, Holden.” She says, sounding almost robotic. “I want you to leave.”

  Every time I hear those words in her voice, my heart breaks a little more. There’s something about the way she’s saying it, though. It gives me a little bit of hope that she won’t hate me forever. She’s just hurting right now. I hurt her, and now I need to deal with the consequences of that – whether I like it or not.

  “Please. Just leave.” Her tone shows me she’s barely holding it together.

  I do my best to keep myself from breaking as I nod and turn around to go back out the door. Just before I climb into my car, I glance at her one last time and see she’s already looking at me. I give her a sad smile and get inside, pulling away as soon as the engine roars to life. I really hope she won’t hate me forever.

  Chapter Twenty Three

  Two days of loneliness. Forty-eight hours of missing her. 2,880 minutes of wishing she were by my side like she has been for the past month and a half. She hasn’t said a word to me – not even a simple text. I’ve tried to give her space like everyone tells me I should, but it’s really difficult. My body craves her touch. I haven’t slept a wink since Friday. My bed feels too empty without her. I’ve even refrained from drinking through the pain. The last thing I want is to risk hooking up with someone else and making her hate me more than she already does.

  The only benefit to the situation is that the pain of missing my parents is masked over by the intense need to have Kayleigh back. My every thought is consumed by her. It’s probably one of the unhealthiest things I’ve ever felt but I can’t help it. I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want her, and I can’t help but mentally abuse myself for fucking it up.

  “Alright. You all know what to do.” The professor snaps me out o
f my thoughts. “Class dismissed.”

  I missed every word he said for the entire lecture. As I walk out the door, the look he gives me lets me know he’s aware of it. Whatever. He’s lucky I even came to this stupid class. If finals weren’t coming up, I probably would have skipped. Speaking of… I wonder if that’s what Kayleigh is going to do with our sociology tomorrow morning. If she does come, do I ignore her or do I sit next to her like I have been? I groan audibly, wondering why this has to be so complicated. I wish I could go back to Friday night and choose to go talk to her instead of drinking away my thoughts.

  Walking down the sidewalk, I’m hardly paying any attention when I knock directly into someone, their books falling onto the ground.

  “Shit. I’m so sorry.” I bend down to help pick them up when I notice the familiar face. “Oh. Hey Dawson.”

  “Hey. You alright?” He eyes me carefully.

  I shrug. “Would you believe me if I said yeah?”

  “Not for a second.”

  It goes quiet for a moment before I have the guts to ask the question I’ve been dying to know the answer to. “How is she?”

  He frowns down at the ground before looking back at me. “She’s… well, to be honest, she’s a mess. She looks like she hasn’t slept and she doesn’t have the same witty personality she normally does.”

  “That makes two of us.” I answer sadly. The fact that I’ve caused her so much pain makes me feel like a piece of shit. “She deserves a lot better than me.”

  Dawson runs his fingers through his hair and sighs. “I really hope it works out for you. I’ve got to get to class.”

  “Oh, right. Sorry.” I mumble, giving him one last pitiful smile before walking away.

  “Holden.” He calls. I stop and turn around. “Come to Dolce after closing tonight. I’ll see what I can do.”

  For the first time in two days, a wide smile plasters across my face. I nod enthusiastically and shout back a thank you. As I continue my walk back to my car, I can’t help but feel hopeful. Tonight, I’m finally going to see Kayleigh again, and with Dawson’s help, she just might talk to me.