Swell Foop

by Piers Anthony

  Then they encountered a bad situation. Justin was unable to clarify whether it was a dragon or some other monster. It attacked, threatening to gobble up Punny, because she was delectable, and Unpun tried to protect her. So it turned on him instead, and with one chomp killed him.

  Punny was distraught, but nothing she could do could bring him back to life. She could not create puns consciously, and even had that been possible, what pun would suffice for something as unfunny as this? So she did the next best thing: She brought Unpun's body to Castle Zombie and begged the Zombie Master to zombie him, so that he could have at least half a life. The Zombie Master did so, but Unpun could no longer make puns disappear. There seemed to be no fixed rule with respect to talents and zombies; some zombies kept their talents, some had partial talents, and some had none.

  "I wonder why that is," Justin remarked musingly. "One would think that the process would be consistent."

  "Don'th know."

  "Could it be that some are fresher than others? How long were you dead before getting zombied?"

  "Threee daysh."

  "So have any zombies of that duration of death retained their talents?"

  "Yesh, a numberr."

  "So that's not it. Does the nature of the talent have bearing?"

  "Noo."

  "But there must be some reasonable rationale."

  "Nooo."

  Justin gave it up, frustrated; this was, after all, peripheral to his quest. "So what happened after you became a zombie?"

  It turned out that Punny did not want to continue without Unpun. For one thing, there was now no nullification of all the puns that grew in her wake. She had to keep moving, or they soon surrounded her, making life unbearable for her and anyone near her. She had depended on Unpun to keep them under control, and now they proliferated impossibly. For another, she loved him, and had no joy of life alone.

  "But why didn't you stay with her, as a zombie?" Justin asked. "She did not have to be denied your company."

  "Nooo," Unpun said, pained.

  It turned out that when Unpun lost his life, and his talent, he also lost his sense of humor. He did not find it funny, being a zombie, and he did not feel like laughing at anything. But Punny was increasingly surrounded by puns. He could not get close to her without stepping on them. Every time he touched one, it forced him to laugh, and it really hurt him to laugh. He couldn't endure it. So he was unable to approach her.

  "That's an intriguing reversal," Justin remarked. "Zombie fleeing maiden."

  But Unpun did not appreciate that form of humor, either.

  The regular folk of Xanth normally took puns in stride, and even expected to encounter a certain number regularly. But the density around Punny was far too intense for anyone who wasn't a masochist. Punny lost her friends; the stench of bad humor was just too much for them. Finally Punny fled Xanth, seeking refuge on Ida's moon Ptero. She left her body in a safe place for the duration, and her soul went to reside in one of the few places where puns were welcome in any concentration. There she remained, patiently awaiting rescue from her fate.

  "That is certainly interesting," Justin concluded. "But I remain uncertain how it explains why you can't guide me to the Ring of Idea." For that was, after all, the point of this association.

  Unpun explained, slowly and confusingly, and finally Justin understood. Punny's job on Ptero was to safeguard the Ring of Idea, so that it would be there when it was needed. That meant that the Ring too would be surrounded by puns. Unpun would be unable to approach it, or even to direct anyone else to it, as long as it was in Punny's possession.

  "But why did she take that job, then?" Justin asked, righteously perplexed. "She surely didn't have to. Didn't she know that would prevent you from guiding anyone to it when the need came?"

  "Yesh."

  As usual, it was necessary to question further, slowly unraveling the details. It seemed that Punny wanted Unpun to recover his sense of humor, so that both of them could be happy again. The only way he could possibly do that was to be returned to full life. That could be accomplished by the holder and wielder of the Ring of Idea. So Punny made sure to be there when the holder came, so she could ask him to do that for Unpun.

  "The Ring of Idea can do that?" Justin asked, amazed. "It can restore you to full life?"

  "Yesh."

  "That is amazing. I never heard of life being fully restored after death. What an idea!"

  "Precishly."

  It took Justin a moment to assemble that thought. Restoring life after death was a fantastic idea, so it fell in the province of the Ring of Idea. "And that is why you know where the Ring is!" Justin exclaimed, finally making the connection. "Because you know where she is. Yet you can't guide me there."

  "Yesh. Yesh," Unpun agreed.

  "What an irony!"

  "Yesh."

  "But you know I do have to find it, and you surely want me to succeed."

  "Yesh."

  "So we shall just have to figure out how you can help me get that Ring."

  "Yes," Unpun agreed. But the zombie did not look confident.

  Justin pondered half a moment. "First, of course, we shall have to travel to Castle Roogna."

  "Noo."

  "No? Why not?"

  "Bad direchion."

  "But that's where Princess Ida is."

  "Nooo!"

  "It certainly is. Breanna delivered our wedding invitation there only a few days ago. We would have heard if she had moved."

  "Noo."

  "But I tell you-" Justin broke off, catching on. "You can't guide me there! So you had to protest when I called out the correct route."

  "Yesh," Unpun agreed, abashed.

  "Very well. We shall go to Castle Roogna. You know it's best, don't you?"

  "Yesh," the zombie agreed faintly.

  But at that point Justin discovered another problem. "We need to get there quickly. Walking will take days. But what else is there?"

  "Nozing."

  Justin looked around. His seventy-seven years as a tree had given him a certain insight into the vegetative realm. He spied several orange-yellow cloudberries that must have fallen from passing clouds. They weren't vegetables, of course, but he had seen them before. "These may do."

  "Whath?"

  He went to pick up two of the berries. "If we eat these, they will make us float like clouds. Then we can float to Castle Roogna."

  "Noo."

  "Now Unpun, you know we have to get there," Justin said reasonably.

  "Wonth worrk."

  "Won't work? Why not?"

  "Winnd wrongg."

  Justin looked up. Sure enough, the clouds above were moving in the opposite direction they needed to go. "Why, you are correct, Unpun." He didn't want to add that he had assumed the zombie would not be very smart, because most weren't. That was because of their rotten brains.

  "I nnew a punn would noth do."

  And a cloudberry was a pun. Unpun had seen right through the humor, having no sense of it, and caught the flaw in the plan. They would have to find another way.

  Justin looked around again. This time he saw hoofprints. He had developed a fair eye for prints too, as many creatures had passed by his tree in the course of those decades. He recognized these: "Peek," he said.

  "Whath?"

  "I see the hoofprints of Peek. She's a ghost mare. She and her family passed my tree many times. They are nice ghost horses. I'm sure they'll help."

  "Where?"

  "Oh, those prints are fresh. They are close by. I'm sure they'll hear me if I call." He put his hands to his mouth and called: "Pook! Peek! Puck! It is I, Justin Tree, in man form."

  In three-quarters of an instant three pooka appeared: the ghost horse family. All of them had chains wrapped around their barrels. The chains were necessary to keep the horses solid, since they were ghosts. Pook was the stallion, shaggy and wild-looking. Peek was his mate, with beautiful eyes. Puck was their colt, much smaller and cuter; it would take him centuries t
o grow.

  "Hello, ghosts!" Justin said cheerily. "Remember me from my days as a tree? Breanna of the Black Wave made me change back to man form, and we expect to marry soon. But first I have an errand to do at Castle Roogna. I would be much obliged if you would carry me and Unpun Zombie there."

  They hesitated, understandably, so Justin explained. "We need to fetch the Ring of Idea, to help save Xanth from a loss of gravity. To do that we must see Princess Ida, and visit her moon of Ptero. So it is essential that we reach Castle Roogna rapidly."

  The three ghost horses shared a glance. Then Pook nodded. They would help.

  "Thank you," Justin said. "Unpun, you may ride Peek. I shall ride Pook." He went to the pooka stallion.

  "Buth I donth know how," the zombie protested.

  "Have no concern," Justin said. "You would never be able to stay on a ghost horse without its consent, and you will not be able to fall off if one agrees to carry you. Peek is very nice; she will safeguard you."

  Still Unpun hesitated, until Peek shot him a pretty-eyed look; then he went to her and climbed awkwardly onto her chains. Justin did the same with Pook. He expected the chains to be uncomfortable, but they weren't; they made a reasonable saddle.

  Suddenly the two ghost horses were off like the wind, which was not surprising, considering their nature. Little Puck raced along behind them, every so often kicking up his hind feet. Justin had no trouble remaining mounted; Pook was indeed keeping him secure. That was one advantage of riding a magical beast.

  But even at the speed of the wind, their travel was not instant. The landscape of Xanth passed around them, field and forest, hill and dale, country and village, plain and lake. They passed individual settings so quickly that they did not have time to move; they seemed like a series of pictures, frozen flashes. Surely the rapidly moving horses seemed like mere blurs to those they passed.

  Pook angled his head so as to send a one-eyed glance back at Justin. Oh-he wanted to know more about their mission, and the news of the day, in exchange for the ride. It was customary.

  "It seems that Cynthia Centaur went to the Good Magician Humfrey to inquire whether her offspring would breed true to the winged centaur line," Justin said as Peek and Puck drew closer to listen. "The answer was affirmative, but the Service required entails the saving of the Demon Earth, who it seems has been abducted, surely by some other Demon. The only way to accomplish that is to obtain the Swell Foop, which is a-" He hesitated. "Actually, I don't know what it is or what it does or how it works. But it is surely a very powerful instrument, as it requires the massed effect of all six Rings of Xanth to locate and control it. Thus Cynthia is being assisted by Che Centaur, and by Sim the Simurgh's chick, and by Breanna of the Black Wave, and myself. We are on five separate missions to obtain the Rings."

  Peek sent him a sidelong glance, which was convenient for her to do because she was now running beside Pook. The pooka did not talk, but they understood perfectly, and their glances could convey much.

  "Why, you are correct," Justin said, surprised. "There are five of us-seeking six Rings. We are missing a Ring holder! That is surely a complication, unless someone else volunteers." He shook his head. "Oh, dear, I fear this will delay my marriage to Breanna. She will not be pleased." In fact she would probably generate such a black cloud of ire that Castle Zombie itself would shake on its mushy foundation. It was enough to make a man wonder whether they shouldn't have eloped.

  In such manner their journey to Castle Roogna passed. In due course they spied its orchard and moat and turrets and all. The ghost horses deposited them at the drawbridge, went to sniff noses briefly with Soufflé the moat monster, then were gone in a ghostly stir of invisible air.

  Justin and Unpun introduced themselves to Soufflé who was all the guard the castle needed on a quiet day like this, and walked on into the castle. No one met them; they were unannounced, and the castle ghosts had probably been reassured by the presence of the ghost horses. Had they been hostile intruders it would have been another matter; the castle had its own ways of dealing with those.

  They found Princess Ida's little chamber. She was entitled to much fancier lodgings, but preferred to live simply. Her talent was the Idea; whatever she believed would come true, did come true, if suggested by someone who did not know her talent. Most folk did know her talent now, so it didn't get much exercise. But she also had Ptero, and that made all the difference. That was her moon, whereon all the characters who ever existed, or would exist, or might exist, stayed, waiting their turns for lives in regular Xanth.

  "Why, hello, Justin," Ida said, rising from her simple chair to greet them. A ball the size of a cherry bomb circled her head. It hid shyly behind her hair the moment Justin looked directly at it. "But I don't think I know your friend."

  "He is Unpun Zombie. He knows where-"

  "Oh, Punny's friend!" she said. "She came here last year, hoping to wait until there came a way to restore him to full life."

  "Yeth!" Unpun agreed.

  "And have you found a way?"

  "We have, perhaps," Justin said. "We have come for the Ring of Idea."

  She looked at him with surprise. "What use could you have for that?" Her moon was evidently curious too, for now it swung back into sight.

  "We need it to obtain the Swell Foop. Unpun says that Punny has it. When I get it, I can use it to restore Unpun to life, so that he can resume dissipating puns. That seems straightforward."

  "Yes, it surely is," she agreed. Justin knew then that it was true, for Ida did not agree to things she did not believe, and what she believed was true. It did not matter, in this case, that Justin knew her talent; he was not originating the concept, merely repeating what he had learned from Unpun. The zombie evidently did not know.

  "We shall need to go to Ptero to find it."

  "I will help you go," she agreed. "Lie down on those cots." She indicated two beds in the chamber. Perhaps their visit had not been entirely unexpected. She brought out a bottle. "Sniff this soul remover; it will release your souls for the journey."

  "Buth I can'th go there," Unpun protested.

  "Yes you can," Justin said immediately. "You must lead me to Punny."

  "Noo!"

  "If he does not wish to go-" Ida said, concerned. Her little moon clouded over; evidently it did not like stress.

  "He does want to go," Justin said. "It's just that he can't stand all the puns that have accumulated around her. So I must be guided by his objections. It's the only way."

  "That is sad," she said. "I wish I could help."

  "Comth with me," Unpun said.

  "I will sit beside you and hold your hand," she said, doing so. "But I can't-"

  "Comth with me!" the zombie repeated. "You are a nize woman. I like your touch."

  "But Unpun, I can't-"

  "Yeth you can!" Now the zombie was echoing Justin's response to him. "Your touch gives me strength." Indeed, he was speaking better now. "Come with me to Ptero! I can handle it then."

  Ida looked at Justin, startled. "Do you suppose-?" Her moon paused momentarily in its orbit, similarly surprised.

  Justin was as startled as she was. Everyone knew that Ptero was the one place Ida could not go. But was it true? "We just assumed," he said. "But where was the proof? Unpun needs your company." The zombie clearly believed it was possible. He did not know of the limitation on her talent. Maybe she could go to her moon.

  "But Ptero orbits me," she said. "How can I go?"

  "It is only the soul that travels," Justin said. "Your soul can go, while your body remains here, just as ours do."

  "Come with me," Unpun repeated.

  "I believe-I believe I will," Princess Ida said, her smile radiant. It illuminated the little moon, banishing the last of its clouds. "I have always wanted to visit my worlds, but never thought-"

  "Doubt is death," Justin said. "We'll all three go. Lie between us, and hold our hands." He spoke as positively as he could, because he wanted Ida to have this chance to do
what she had always wanted. As long as Unpun believed she could, she could. They had to seize the moment.

  Ida moved another cot between them, and lay on it. The moon adjusted its orbit so that it would not bang into the bed. They held hands. "Now orient on Ptero," she said. "After sniffing the bottle. You will be disoriented at first, but when you see Ptero you will know where to go." She passed the bottle to Justin, who sniffed once and lay back.

  He found himself riding out of his body. In a moment he saw the other two doing the same. They were both rather shapeless. "This way," he called. "Take my hand." They were holding hands in their bodies, but not with their souls.

  The other two vapors floated toward him, extending pseudopodia. Justin extended his own and realized that it was the branch of a tree; he had unthinkingly reverted to that form. He revised it to man form, caught Ida's hand, and she caught Unpun's with her other extremity. Both of them were starting to shape into images of their physical selves.

  "Oh, this is weird," the Ida form said voicelessly. "I never did it before, myself."

  Justin saw the moon of Ptero orbiting the reclining head of the physical Princess Ida. "This way," he said, and urged them toward it. Travel was mostly a matter of thought, in this condition.

  "We must make ourselves small," Ida said.

  Oh. Yes. Of course. Justin focused on small. Now the moon began to grow, becoming a world. It was no longer cute or shy; it was significant. They were flying toward it, and the closer they got, the larger it loomed. Then it seemed that they were falling toward it. The fall accelerated as the world of Ptero loomed huge.

  "We need to slow!" Justin said, alarmed.

  "Just focus," Ida said.

  They focused, and their descent slowed. They came to land on a level plain surrounded by faint haze.

  "Oh, this is wonderful!" Ida exclaimed. "Just the way others have described it to me!"

  "Blue haze?" Justin inquired dubiously.

  "That indicates cold north," she said. "South is red-hot."

  Justin looked the other way, and saw that the haze in that direction was indeed reddish.

  "What's the green?" Unpun asked. His slight impediment of speech had entirely disappeared; maybe it was an effect of soul travel. Justin had not realized until this trip that zombies even had souls. Breanna would have chided him severely for that ignorance.