Anything But Love

by Abigail Strom

  He turned on the shower with shaking hands. He stepped under the spray, braced his arms against the tile, and bowed his head beneath the water.

  The intensity of his emotions threatened to rip him apart from the inside.

  He’d just had one of the most passionate sexual encounters of his life. His need to give pleasure to Jessica had been like a fire burning in his blood, and only his greater need to make sure he didn’t come on too strong had kept his primitive side in check.

  Then Jessica told him her secret, and another instinct had taken over.

  The urge to hurt someone for hurting her.

  It was a good thing the man who’d done that to her was already dead, because otherwise he might have done the job himself.

  But there were other people to blame. Her parents, for not protecting her . . . and for not being the kind of people that Jessica could confide in.

  And her friends, including himself, for not figuring out that something was wrong.

  He thought about her weight gain in junior high and the self-hatred she’d so often expressed. Then he thought about her subsequent weight loss and her rejection of her past self.

  A lot of that, if not all of it, must be related to the sexual abuse she’d survived. But it had never occurred to him that she might be dealing with a traumatic event. He’d been just like everyone else in her life—unwilling to look beneath the surface of her behavior to what might have caused it.

  This wasn’t the first time someone had confided a history of abuse to him. Students would sometimes trust a teacher when they couldn’t trust anyone else, and that meant he’d heard some horror stories. He’d done his best to help, taking action when he could and providing support and a safe space when he couldn’t.

  A string of phrases ran through his mind. Remember that it’s about the survivor, not you. The focus can’t be on what you feel. If you show shock or devastation at what someone has gone through, you risk adding to their shame and guilt. For their sake, you have to stay strong.

  And most difficult of all: remember that this isn’t your problem to solve.

  Never had all that advice seemed so impossible to follow. Never had he so desperately wanted to fix something he couldn’t fix—something Jessica hadn’t asked him to fix.

  Something she didn’t think needed to be fixed.

  The shower wasn’t helping. An inferno of rage still burned inside his heart, and there was no outlet for it.

  Just like Jessica had had no outlet for her fear and confusion and pain all those years when he could have—should have—been there for her.

  But blaming himself wouldn’t do any good, either. He needed to put his own feelings aside and focus on Jessica.

  She didn’t want him trying to fix her or heal her. She’d only asked for one thing, and by God, he was going to make sure she got it.

  The best sexual experiences he could give her.

  He woke up when Jessica stirred in his arms. For a moment he held her tighter, as though someone were trying to snatch her away from him. Then he woke up fully, realized what he was doing, and let her go.

  She rolled onto her back and smiled at him.

  “Hi,” she said, her voice a little shy.

  He reached out and brushed the backs of his fingers across her cheek. Her skin, warm and rosy with sleep, felt softer than silk.

  “Hi,” he said.

  The covers had slid down to her waist, and he enjoyed the luxury of gazing at her naked body in the light of day. Not satisfied with looking, he trailed his hand down over her collarbones and onto her breasts, relishing her sudden intake of breath and the way her nipples puckered and tightened.

  She gazed at him for a moment, her eyes wide and dark and her lips parted. Then she looped an arm around his neck and brought him to her for a kiss.

  At the feel of her soft mouth and sweet body, he hardened in a swift erotic rush. He rolled her onto her back and broke the kiss, dragging his mouth down her neck and between her breasts and onto her flat stomach.

  Her muscles tightened and her hands slid into his hair.

  “Ben!”

  He looked up and grinned at her. “Yeah?”

  Her golden hair was scattered over the pillow and her face was flushed pink.

  “I don’t know . . . I’m not sure . . .”

  “I want to taste you, Jess. I want to feel you come apart under my mouth. Do you want that, too?”

  Her eyes widened and her flush deepened. “Ben,” she whispered.

  “Is that a yes?”

  When she didn’t answer, he shifted his weight and settled between her legs, his hands on her hips.

  “I’ll beg if I have to, sweetheart. Because I’ve never wanted anything like I want this.”

  Her lips parted but no sound came out.

  “Tell you what,” he said softly. “If it’s a yes, just nod. You don’t have to say a word.”

  For a minute she just looked at him, and he could see her anxiety warring with her desire.

  Then, slowly, she nodded her head.

  That was all he needed. He pulled the covers away from her lower body and feasted on the sight of her naked before him, soft and strong and nervous and excited and so goddamn tempting he didn’t know how he could rein himself in enough to take this slow.

  But he would find a way. Because after last night, he knew that giving Jessica pleasure was the most powerful aphrodisiac he could ever experience.

  He put his hands on the insides of her thighs and pushed them wider, making room for himself between her legs. As he gazed down at the soft, delicate folds of her center, he felt Jessica’s anticipation as intensely as he felt his own.

  Then he lowered his head.

  He tasted sex and sweetness and the tang of desire, and as his tongue teased out all her secrets, finding the places that made her writhe and moan, his heart was pounding so hard it made him shake.

  When she arched her back with a sudden gasp, he drove her higher, using his thumbs to spread her wide as he flicked his tongue against her throbbing flesh again and again until—

  She cried out his name as she came apart, pulsing and throbbing against his mouth until he thought his own body would explode.

  He touched her more softly as she came spiraling down. He licked and kissed his way back up her body, relishing every gasp and quiver and quake, until he lay at her side brushing her hair away from her flushed face.

  “Oh my God,” she said, staring up at the ceiling. “I mean . . . oh my God.”

  He grinned. “So that was okay for you, huh?”

  She rolled onto her side to face him. “That was incredible. Do other women know about this?”

  A rush of affection mingled with the lust that still heated his body. “This is definitely something that women tend to enjoy, but it’s not always like that.”

  She tucked her arm under her head. “Why not?”

  “I have no idea. It’s a mystery.” He paused. “All I know is that it takes guts to make yourself vulnerable like that. To let someone touch that part of you. I couldn’t make you feel good if you didn’t let me, Jess. If you didn’t trust me.”

  “I do trust you,” she said softly.

  For a moment she just looked at him, her eyes delving into his, and he wondered what she was thinking. Then she reached out a hand and ran her fingers along his jaw.

  “You’re all stubbly,” she said.

  “Yeah?”

  She nodded. “I like it. It suits you.”

  He grinned at her. “I didn’t scratch you?”

  “Yes, but in a good way. A really, really good way.” She started to say something else and then hesitated.

  “What is it? What were you about to say?”

  She curled her hands under her chin in a way he found completely adorable. “I thought maybe I could experiment a little.”

  Her gaze strayed down his torso to the waistband of the sweatpants he’d put on after his shower last night.

  His body had
calmed a little in the last few minutes, but now he felt himself growing hard.

  “Experiment how?” he asked, his voice low and gravelly.

  “There’s something I want to do that I’ve never done before. I want to make you come with my mouth. If you’ll let me.”

  He closed his eyes for a second and then opened them. “If I’ll let you? You made me hard as a goddamn rock just by saying that.”

  She looked delighted. “I did?”

  “Yeah.”

  “So . . . I have your permission to experiment?”

  In that moment, he knew he would never meet another woman who could be so sexy and so adorable at the same time.

  “I told you last night I’m here for you, Jess. And if that means being your sexual plaything, well, then, I guess I can put up with it.”

  Her smile widened, and it made him so happy to see her happy that his heart ached a little.

  He felt like he would sell his soul to ensure that she could stay that happy for the rest of her life. But it looked like the only price he had to pay right now was his virtue.

  She rose up on her knees and tugged the blankets down. Then she put her small hands on the waistband of his sweats and tugged them down, too.

  He helped her by lifting his hips. After she’d tossed the sweatpants on the floor she knelt beside him again, looking him over from head to toe.

  After a moment her eyes flicked back up to his face. “You have a really good body,” she said, and he grinned.

  “You think so? Well, thanks. I’m a fan of your body, too.”

  “We’re doing you right now,” she reminded him, leaning forward until the waves of her blonde hair brushed against his chest. She put her hands on his shoulders, leaned down farther, and pressed her lips to his breastbone. Then she wriggled farther down the bed, kissing her way to his abdomen.

  He groaned.

  “Is this okay?” she asked, looking up at him.

  “Hell yeah. But sweetheart—”

  “Yes?”

  Unable to resist touching her, he ran a hand through her hair. “I should probably warn you . . .”

  “Yes?”

  “I’m about ready to explode. I don’t want you to be, uh, surprised.”

  “I appreciate the heads-up,” she said gravely. “That’s very considerate of you.”

  Then she slid down the bed and took him into her mouth.

  He swore out loud and closed his eyes. When she wrapped her hand around his base and squeezed, his hands fisted in the sheets.

  Women had gone down on him before, and he’d always enjoyed it. But this was different.

  This was Jessica. This was Jessica, taking her time with him the way he’d taken his time with her.

  Exploring. Experimenting. Making him feel so damn good he—

  “Ben?” she asked, and he opened his eyes again. The sight of her looking up at him like that, his cock in her hand and her soft lips just inches from his fevered flesh, almost made him come then and there.

  “Yeah?” he managed.

  “I want you to tell me what you like.”

  Anything you do, he started to say—but then he stopped. He could tell from her expression that this was important to her.

  “I like when you use your tongue,” he said roughly. “And . . . you can grip me harder, if you want.”

  She nodded. “What else?”

  “It feels good when you take me deep. But if you don’t like doing that . . .”

  She didn’t let him finish. She dipped her head and took him in again, and this time the head of his cock touched the back of her throat.

  “Jessica.”

  She was all over him, hands and mouth and tongue. She went harder and faster until the explosion came, almost blinding in its intensity.

  He lay gasping, emptied out, covered in a light sheen of sweat and sex.

  He was vaguely aware that Jessica was lying beside him again, trailing her hand down his chest.

  “I really enjoyed that,” she said, sounding both pleased and surprised.

  When he had his breathing under control again, he managed to form a sentence.

  “It was pretty good for me, too.”

  He’d never come with so much feverish urgency. He rolled onto his side to face Jessica, cupping her face in his hands.

  “Thank you,” he said.

  “You’re welcome.”

  The absurdity of that polite exchange after what they’d just experienced seemed to hit them at the same time, and they grinned at each other.

  Ben pulled her close and stroked her hair, loving the silken texture against his hand and the soft weight of her against his chest. She made a noise of satisfaction, something between a snort and a sigh, and he held her a little tighter as a surge of protectiveness went through him.

  He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this happy.

  She seemed to be made of light instead of flesh and blood. Joy pulsed inside her, filling her veins with every beat of her heart.

  “What do you want to do today?” Ben asked after a moment, his hand moving softly over her hair.

  She thought about it for a second. The world seemed infinitely bigger than it had yesterday, and delightful possibilities beckoned her forward.

  And then, suddenly, she knew exactly what she wanted to do that day.

  “I’m going to take you snorkeling.”

  “Snorkeling?” Ben looked skeptical. “I don’t know. I don’t think I can put that breathing thing in my mouth.”

  “Considering what I just had in my mouth, I’m thinking you can handle it.”

  He started to laugh, his body shaking until she was laughing, too.

  “That’s the first dirty joke I’ve ever told,” she said.

  “We’re lying here naked and the whole room smells like sex. Dirty jokes are appropriate.”

  She pushed herself up to a sitting position and looked out the window. It was another gorgeous day, with a clear blue sky over sparkling water.

  “I promise you’ll love it,” she said with confidence.

  “You do, huh?”

  She grinned down at him. “I do.”

  “Okay, fine. Let’s go snorkeling.”

  They changed into their bathing suits and took the path down to the beach. The sky was clear and cloudless, the water turquoise, and Jessica had to resist the urge to skip across the sand.

  They waded out into the ocean until they were waist deep.

  “Okay, here’s our strategy.” She pointed toward the left side of the beach, where an outcropping of rocks created a bay. “That’s where we’re headed. The closer we get to the rocks the more fish we’ll see.”

  “That’s where they hang out?”

  “According to the guy at the snorkel shop. Are you ready?”

  “As I’ll ever be. How does this mask work again?”

  He looked genuinely apprehensive, and Jessica felt a rush of sympathy.

  “It does feel a little awkward at first, and it’s weird breathing through the mouthpiece. But that’s only while you’re standing up. Once you’re in the water, you’ll forget you even have it on.”

  “I will? Why?”

  “You just have to trust me on this.”

  He didn’t look convinced, but he nodded. “Okay, I’ll give it a shot.”

  “Good.” She reached up and helped him slip the mask over his head. “Put the mouthpiece in and hold it with your teeth. Your face will be in the water, but the tube will be in the air. Got it?”

  He nodded and put the tube in his mouth. After a few seconds he spit it out again.

  “I don’t think I—”

  “Let me go first,” she said. “Then put your mouthpiece in and lay yourself out on the water right next to me. All right?”

  He sighed. “All right.”

  Jessica pulled on her mask and closed her mouth over the breathing tube. Then she stretched out on the water, bobbing gently on the rolling waves, and waited for Ben to join her. />
  After a minute he did. When she saw him floating beside her, she reached for his hand, and once she was sure he was all right, she used her feet and her other hand to propel them slowly toward the rocks.

  The magic of the ocean world took her as it always did. It was utterly silent but for the sound of her breath, and the water was so clear she could see every grain of sand below her.

  Once they reached the rocks, she stopped paddling. She held Ben’s hand firmly as they floated side by side, the two of them drifting like seaweed toward the rocks that rose like islands from the ocean floor.

  After a minute or two with no fish in sight she wondered if they’d gone somewhere else for the day. And then, like magic, there they were: electric blue and silver gray and neon green, darting here and there singly and in schools, alien creatures in an alien landscape.

  It was silent and mysterious and utterly beautiful.

  Ben’s arm moved into her field of vision, pointing. She turned her head and saw an enormous bright orange fish moving lazily over a patch of coral, its fins as delicate as angel hair.

  Ben squeezed her hand in excitement, and Jessica smiled around her mouthpiece. She’d felt the same excitement the first time she’d gone snorkeling. The truth was, she still did.

  But she’d never had someone to share it with.

  They stayed out for another hour, drifting hand in hand among the rocks and coral and sea creatures. Then Jessica dipped her head a little too deep following a school of fish and got a mouthful of saltwater. She gasped and choked, pulling her gear off and treading water while she got her breath back. Ben removed his own mask and joined her.

  “You okay?” he asked.

  She nodded. “I swallowed some water, but I’m fine.”

  She swam closer to him. It was too deep for her to touch bottom, but Ben was able to stand with his head above the water. He was a strong anchor, and she wrapped her legs around his waist as she threw her arms around his neck.

  “So what did you think?”

  “It was incredible,” he said, smiling into her eyes. “It was like being on another planet. Like seeing a dream world that’s actually real.”

  “I know,” she said, happiness vibrating through her. “I’m so glad you liked it.”