Anything But Love

by Abigail Strom

  Ben dropped his hands to his sides. “But how do I know if I’m following my heart or just being selfish?”

  “Now, that’s always been one of your problems,” his mother said.

  He frowned at her. “What do you mean?”

  “There’s a kind of humility in being selfish once in a while. A kind of humility you could use.” She folded her arms. “You’ve never wanted to admit you might need something you couldn’t provide for yourself. You’ve set out to save the whole darn world—the kids you teach, and now the whole city of Chicago. You’re the one who fixes other people—not the one who needs to be fixed. You help other people to be happy without thinking about yourself.” She shook her head. “It takes humility to recognize that you might need someone else. That you’re not the same person without them. And it takes courage to go after your own happiness.”

  She pushed her chair back and got to her feet. “There’s something I need to get for you, Ben. No matter what you decide, it’s something I want you to have.”

  He left soon afterward, noticing that time was running a little short. If he wanted to make his plane he needed to take a taxi back to his apartment, grab his bags, and get to the airport.

  But instead of hailing a cab, he stood on the sidewalk in front of his parents’ building and thought.

  He was only two blocks from Central Park. After a moment, he turned west and started to walk.

  All the arrangements had been made. His apartment was sublet, his friend would be expecting him at the Chicago airport in a few hours, and his new job would begin in a few weeks. Was he really going to blow all that up to make a play for a woman who might not want him?

  Of course, he’d never hesitated to blow things up in the past if he thought it was the right thing to do. So why was he hesitating now?

  There was only one explanation. One reason he was tempted to play it safe for the first time in his life.

  Because he was afraid.

  He wasn’t sure what he was scared of. That Jessica would reject him, or that she wouldn’t? That things between them wouldn’t work out? That he couldn’t be what she needed? That he would let her down?

  Probably all of it.

  But when you’re faced with a fear, you have two choices: play it safe or jump off a cliff.

  Ben stopped walking so abruptly that a man on a bicycle had to swerve to avoid him.

  He loved Jessica. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

  And if he had to jump off a cliff to make that happen, then that’s what he would do.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Looking around Tom and Everett’s reception hall, Jessica had a sudden moment of déjà vu.

  Two months had gone by since the wedding day that wasn’t, arguably the lowest point in her life. There had been times that day she’d worried she’d never recover. When the idea of a hopeful future—even just facing her friends and family again—had seemed impossible. The wedding she’d planned had been a stage show gone horribly wrong, an illusion exposed. A beautiful exterior with nothing inside . . . just like her.

  Now here she was at another event—one that couldn’t have been more different. This event meant something. And she was here, not as an empty image she was desperate to project, but as herself.

  A lot of the same people were present: friends, family, acquaintances. But her relationships with those people were more honest now, even if they were more difficult.

  When her parents had shown up today, the sight of them had brought tears to her eyes.

  Two months ago she’d felt empty, weak, humiliated, shattered. Now she felt strong and purposeful. Hopeful. Alive.

  Or at least, she did until Tom came over to the table she was sharing with Vicki and Kate. Jessica had hoped that Simone would be there, too, but she was in Ireland—having what sounded like an incredible adventure with a sexy British director.

  Tom kissed her on the cheek. “I would’ve asked you to be my best man if we’d had a formal wedding. Instead, I hope you’ll give a toast later on. Will you?”

  A twinge of anxiety tightened her belly. “I don’t know, Tom. You know I don’t like speaking in public. I’m afraid I’ll just embarrass you.”

  “You can’t be serious.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Unless you actually burn the place down, I can promise you won’t embarrass me as much as I embarrassed you at our wedding. You do remember that, don’t you?”

  She found herself grinning. “I have a vague recollection.”

  “Okay, then. What do you say? It would really mean a lot to Everett and me,” he added more seriously.

  How could she say no?

  “All right,” she said. “I’ll give a short toast.”

  He kissed her on the cheek again. “Thanks, Jessica.”

  Two months ago, it felt like her life had ended. Now here she was joking with Tom about that disastrous wedding day and celebrating the true love in his life.

  Celebrating who he really was.

  But though she was genuinely happy for Tom, there was an ache behind her breastbone that hadn’t gone away since Ben left last night. In spite of the joyful celebration all around her, the fact that she was surrounded by friends and family that she could, finally, meet on honest terms, there was something missing.

  The man she loved.

  But she had to let him go. Didn’t she? His future was in Chicago, and she wanted good things for him as fiercely as he wanted them for her.

  She wouldn’t ask him to change who he was, or to abandon the life he’d chosen. Because he would never, ever ask that of her.

  She was tempted to partake of liquid courage before the toasts began, but she found to her surprise that she didn’t really need it. When it was her turn to speak, she hadn’t yet touched her champagne.

  “I’ve known Tom for half my life, and he’s one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met. I don’t know Everett nearly as well, but he gave me a job when I needed one, so I’m sort of obligated to say I like him, too.” A ripple of laughter from the audience. “Some of you were here the last time the three of us participated in a wedding. I’m here to tell you that after this one, your gifts won’t be returned.” Another laugh.

  Okay, this wasn’t so bad. She was starting to feel almost confident.

  She opened her mouth to continue, but there was an interruption. The door to the function room opened and Ben Taggart walked in.

  For a moment she couldn’t believe her eyes. He was supposed to be on a plane to Chicago. Like, right now.

  Goose bumps swept over her skin. They stared at each other across the room as though no one else were there, and in that moment Jessica had an epiphany.

  She took a deep breath and let it out. Then she lifted her chin and went on with her toast.

  “Tom and I have a lot in common—both good things and bad. We haven’t always been brave, and we haven’t always been honest. But both of us have been blessed with people in our lives who are brave and honest. People who believe in us more than we believe in ourselves.”

  She looked down at Tom and Everett. “These two found each other in a world that hasn’t made it easy. I admire them both more than I can say.” She held up her champagne flute. “Please raise your glasses to the adorable couple.”

  “To the adorable couple!” the crowd called out, and everybody drank.

  Then Jessica cleared her throat. “That pretty much takes care of my toast. But with Tom and Everett’s permission, there’s something else I’d like to say.”

  Not everyone had noticed Ben standing at the back of the room, but Tom had. He looked from her to Ben and back again, and a smile spread across his face.

  “Go for it, Jess.”

  Warmth flooded through her. Standing up in front of all these people—friends, family, acquaintances, strangers—she had another moment of déjà vu.

  Two months ago she’d faced a crowd like this. But this time, she didn’t feel trapped and power
less and afraid of herself.

  She felt strong and free and clear-sighted. And for the first time in her life, she knew exactly what she wanted to say.

  “Maybe Tom and I would have figured things out on our own—eventually. But luckily for us, we didn’t have to. Tom had Everett, who loved him so much he crashed a wedding to stop him from making a terrible mistake. And I have someone, too. A man named Ben Taggart.”

  At that point, the people in the room who hadn’t noticed the new arrival swiveled their heads to see who she was looking at.

  Ben didn’t seem to be aware of them. He was staring at her like she was the only person in the room.

  The only person in the world.

  “I love you,” she said. “You might not have a savior complex, but you did save me. You helped me know myself and believe in myself. That’s always been your gift. It’s what makes you such an amazing teacher—and such an amazing man.” She took a breath. “I’ve never felt like I have much to give. My love, my courage, my strength . . . it all feels like a work in progress. But even though my heart seems small when I compare it to yours, it’s the only one I have. And it’s yours, Ben. It’s yours forever.”

  There was a moment of silence. Then, as Ben crossed the space between them, everyone in the room began to clap and cheer.

  The cheering grew louder when he took her in his arms and kissed her. Under the cover of the applause he murmured in her ear, “Do you think they’ll mind if I take you away for a little while? As long as I promise to bring you back?”

  “Who cares what anyone else thinks?” she asked blithely. “Let’s go.” She smiled at Tom. “We’ll be back,” she said.

  Tom waved his hand. “Take your time.”

  She grabbed Ben by the hand and led him out of the room. There was a velvet-covered bench in the hallway and she pulled him down onto it.

  He slid his hands into her hair, gazing into her eyes.

  She basked in the joy of being with him. “I thought you were on your way to Chicago.”

  “I changed my mind.” He took a deep breath. “You’re my soul mate. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Jess—right here in New York City.” He grinned at her. “And after your speech, I know you feel the same way. You said you love me in front of a roomful of people. You made a spectacle of yourself.”

  “I know. But it’s just one of the many things I’ve done lately that I never thought I’d do.”

  Ben started to say something, and then he blinked. “Damn! I almost forgot.”

  “Forgot what?”

  He reached into his pocket. “I never thought I’d do anything both of my parents wanted me to do. But it turns out I was wrong, because they think I should do this. And they gave me something to help the cause. It belonged to my great-grandmother on my mother’s side.”

  He pulled a ring box from his pocket and opened it. A vintage Edwardian-cut diamond winked at her, brilliant against a black velvet background.

  Jessica stared at it for a long moment.

  “If you’re going all traditional on me, you should get down on one knee,” she said, trying to sound sassy and failing miserably.

  “I’m only doing this because I worship you,” he said, sliding off the bench and kneeling at her feet. “Not because I’m traditional.”

  Her eyes filled with tears. “You can’t worship me. I worship you.”

  He took her hands in his and kissed them. “Say yes, Jessica. Say yes and let me put this ring on your finger. Then we can plan a wedding . . . and a honeymoon.”

  She pulled her hands from his, but only so she could wipe the tears from her cheeks. “Another one, huh?”

  He smiled up at her, his face so dear and so beloved that she never wanted to look at anything else. “Is that a yes?” he asked.

  She started to answer and hiccupped.

  “I didn’t quite catch that,” Ben said gravely.

  Now she was laughing and crying at the same time. “Yes, darn you. Yes, yes, yes!”

  “ ‘Yes, darn you.’ Is that really what you want to go with? The story we tell our grandkids?”

  “They’ll think it’s adorable. Are you going to put that on me, or what?”

  He slid the ring onto her finger. “So about that honeymoon. Do you have any ideas?”

  Her tears were still falling, and she couldn’t stop smiling. “Yes, actually. What about you?”

  “I think anyplace we go together will be paradise. But I do have one particular spot in mind.”

  “Bermuda?”

  “Bermuda.”

  “I love you, Ben.”

  “I love you, too.”

  EPILOGUE

  Do you remember when the three of us met for the first time?” Jessica asked.

  She and Kate and Simone were on beach chairs waiting for Zach and Ben to return with their rum swizzles. Ian and his nephew Jacob were snorkeling in the ocean.

  Simone nodded. “Freshman year of college, move-in day.” She grinned suddenly. “If you’d told me then that we’d end up friends—and that we’d still be friends ten years later—I would’ve said you were nuts.”

  “I honestly don’t know why the two of you stayed friends with me,” Jessica said, tilting her face toward the sun. “I was a bitch ninety percent of the time.”

  Kate smiled at her. “You weren’t that bad. Seventy percent tops.” Her eyes grew misty. “Do you remember when my grandmother passed away the summer after junior year? I was devastated. You were in Monte Carlo with your family, but you dropped everything and flew back to be with me.”

  Jessica felt embarrassed. “You would have done the same for me. In a heartbeat.” She looked out at the ocean to where Ian and Jacob were floating. “How is the TV show coming?” Kate and Jacob had collaborated on a project last year, and it was scheduled to premiere in a few months.

  “It’s going great,” Kate said, smiling to herself. “Jacob is so excited.”

  Simone smacked her on the arm. “What’s up with the smirk? What aren’t you telling us?”

  “Nothing. Well . . . nothing official. I just think there’s a chance that Ian might—”

  Jessica squealed. “He’s going to propose!”

  “I don’t know for sure. But Jacob is terrible at keeping secrets, and he’s been making veiled hints since we got here. You guys did say you’d keep him company tonight, right? Ian made a dinner reservation for the two of us.”

  “Yeah, he’s definitely going to propose.” Simone looked around at the gorgeous vista. “He couldn’t have picked a more romantic spot. It’s given me a million ideas for the new production Zach and I are planning. Did you know The Tempest was inspired by a British shipwreck right here in Bermuda?” She leaned back in her chair. “It’s no wonder you and Ben fell in love here, Jess. If I weren’t already in love with Zach, this place would have done the trick.”

  Kate agreed. “It is pretty spectacular. I’m so glad you invited us here to celebrate with you—although I’m still a little disappointed that you guys eloped.”

  “Are you kidding?” Simone asked. “After the way her last wedding went, Jessica was entitled to do whatever she wanted this time around. And eloping is romantic.” She shook her head. “I can’t believe you were the first one of us to get married, though. I was sure it would be Kate.”

  Zach and Ben came walking across the sand. As always, the sight of her husband made Jessica’s heart beat a little faster.

  “I’ve known Ben most of my life,” she said. “Once I finally figured out that I loved him, there was nothing else to wait for.”

  Ben set down their drinks and leaned over to kiss her.

  “Happy?” he asked.

  Tears came into her eyes as she kissed him back.

  “So happy.”

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Thanks to the amazing team at Montlake, especially Maria Gomez. Thanks also to Nicci Jordan Hubert for her hard work and insight. And as always, my deepest gratitude to Mikel Strom, Tara Gorvine, and
Melissa Chalmers for their help and encouragement, and to my son Owen for his patience. You guys are the best.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Photo © 2014 Target Portrait Studio

  Abigail Strom started writing stories at the age of seven and has never been able to stop. On her way to becoming a full-time writer, she earned a BA in English from Cornell University as well as an MFA in dance from the University of Hawaii. Abigail has held a wide variety of jobs from dance teacher and choreographer to human resource manager. Now she works in her pajamas and lives in New England with her family, who are incredibly supportive of the hours she spends hunched over her computer.