by Lexi Banks
Wednesday
Emotions churned through my body long before I woke up. I felt like I was falling, potentially I’d been suffering a dream where I had tipped over the edge, and I couldn’t control myself at all as I tumbled and twisted through the air. While my eyes pried open, I still had the sensation of my limbs flailing behind me, flapping about limp and useless while I fell closer and closer to my inevitable doom. It was sickening; I felt panicked.
Once the light had fully infiltrated my gaze, that sensation didn’t go as quickly as I thought it might. Something was off, there was something very different about this morning, and I needed to figure out what.
Madison. All of a sudden, it hit me like a thump in the face. Of course, it’s all about Maddie.
I remembered the gorgeous sensation of her hands all over my body, the delicious way it felt to kiss her, the utterly intoxicating sensation of being buried deep inside of her. Last night, she consumed me, and it felt incredible. It felt better than any other time I’d experienced before; it was more than having sex, I freaking lost my mind with her.
But then... again, she kicked me out. Okay, so she wasn’t horrible about it, she explained herself clearly enough, and I totally understood, but still... she asked me to leave so now I didn’t know where we stood. It was all well and good holding on to myself while the memory of her flooded me, but that wouldn’t be enough to sustain me.
One dart of my eyes over to the clock confirmed that it was almost nine AM, much later than I would usually arrive, and definitely later than Maddie would usually get up. It didn’t matter what time she had work, or even if it was her day off, she would always be at least up and out of bed, even if she wasn’t doing much else. So, I eagerly grabbed my cell phone, expecting a text message from her, anything to give me an indication of how she was feeling... but nothing. The screen remained frustratingly blank as if it wanted to torment me.
Is this how things will be now? I asked myself sadly. Now that we’d had sex, would I lose that secret insight I usually got into her brain? She was always very forward with telling me how she felt, but was that because of our friendship? Things changed when lust and feelings got in the way, and I had a horrible feeling that I was about to fall victim to that. I had to swallow down a bitter ball of bile that lodged into my throat at the mere idea.
I didn’t want that... any of it. I wanted Maddie, my Maddie back. None of this was worth losing her.
My brain rolled over and over rapidly as I made my way into the kitchen. There was no way I could work any of this out without having a gut full of coffee. As far as I was concerned, no normal rational person could make a decision without one caffeine in their system. Especially not one as huge as this one.
I rubbed my eyes hard, trying to rid my brain of any sleep as the coffee pot heated up. There was a frustration buzzing around angrily inside of me, like a wasp looking for something to sting. I kept silently telling it to shut the hell up so I could actually think but it wouldn’t. I felt weird, like everything was all kinds of wrong. I guess me and Maddie overstepped so many lines yesterday it was hard to keep track. We needed to find out way back.
Knock, knock. At first, the sound was so quiet I barely heard it, but the second time it came much louder. Knock, knock, knock. More insistent too, as if whoever was creating it really needed to see me. Knock, knock.
“Coming,” I called out with confusion in my tone. As far as I could think, I wasn’t expecting anyone. I glanced down at my scruffy gray zombie outbreak tee-shirt and black shorts but decided to go for it anyway. It was probably just the postman with some parcel that I had ordered and forgotten about. No one to worry about... “Oh.”
Shit. Panic shot through me as I found myself staring at Maddie, who was a vision of true beauty. With her deep purple floaty top on and tight leggings that clung to the body I was touching only hours before, my heart skipped about ten beats. With her hair scraped back, she was vulnerable and exposed. Raw, just for me.
And then there was me. A scruffy mess, only just out of bed. Yeah, great way to attract her there, Parker!
“Can I come in?” she asked shyly while bouncing from foot to foot. “Have a chat before I head to work?”
“Sure, of course.” The stiff politeness was new. Usually, she just barged her way in. “I have coffee brewing.”
Maddie walked straight into the kitchen, and she plonked herself down on the nearest stool. Only, she didn’t quite look as at home as she usually did and I hated that. This was the sort of change that I didn’t want.
“So, erm...” Maddie could hardly look at me; I had a bad feeling about this. “I just wanted to come and apologize about last night, really.” My chest tightened, my whole body stiffened, I didn’t want her to say that she was sorry we slept together. I regretted the weirdness afterward, but not the sex. That was incredible. “The way I sort of... I don’t know, kicked you out, I guess, without really saying anything. I didn’t mean to act like a freak; I was just all scared that it would be weird in the morning, and... well, I think now I might have made it even weirder.”
As she spoke, all I could focus on were the bags under her eyes. She looked exhausted like she hadn’t slept at all.
“You don’t need to feel bad,” I reassured her with a smile. “It was the right thing to do.”
“Yeah?” Her eyelashes fluttered up towards me, and I had to gulp my feelings right back down.
“Yeah, of course.” I moved over to the coffee pot and began to pour out drinks, giving myself something else to focus on other than the way she looked right now. “We don’t want to wreck the friendship we have, do we?”
Maddie let out an audible sigh of relief. “Oh good, I’m glad you see it that way. Because I kept thinking over what I said and I was worried that it sounded like I didn’t like... being with you, or that I don’t care about you, which couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m just worried about what will happen if we... push things too quickly.”
She had so clearly rehearsed saying these things, yet some of it was hard to get out, which I completely understood. It was a little strange to be having this conversation, navigating this brand new territory. At least it seemed that she wanted to do that together. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel if she put an end to things just like that.
“Oh, I definitely agree that we should be cautious and move slowly. I don’t think either of us want to dive into a relationship, do we? That’s not smart and would more than likely end in disaster.”
As Maddie smiled and nodded at me, I felt a million times better. All the stress that had been circling through my system ever since I left her bed last night ebbed away, and I could feel the bubble of Maddie and me returning. It felt great to be back to that place, much more relaxing. Neither of us had officially said either way what would happen, and continue to happen, between us, but that was okay too. It was open to possibilities.
To be honest, if our friendship could survive this, it could last through absolutely anything.
“This is good coffee,” Maddie moaned in sheer bliss as she took a sip. “I should come here every morning.”
You should move in! the dark part of my brain piped up. Then I would never have to let you go.
Huh, so much for taking it slow! Still, at least if the thoughts remained just in my mind, then she wouldn’t ever have to know about them. On the outside at least, I could keep it calm and collected.
“Well, you know you’re welcome anytime,” I replied blandly instead. “I always have coffee.”
We looked at one another for a few moments, our eyes communicating the things our mouths couldn’t. I certainly felt like there was much more going on under the surface, that it wasn’t as casual as either of us were trying to make it, but I didn’t want to rock the boat by saying so. this was all absolutely fine by me.
“Did you want to help out at the clinic tomorrow?” Maddie asked me in a calm, considered tone of voice. This was something that we did a lot, so I knew she wante
d to keep life simple and straightforward.
“Of course, that sounds great.” I smiled widely. “I would love to help out. Any time.”
“Thank you.” She lifted her mug high. “I’ll come around here for a coffee in the morning first then.”
I chuckled and nodded in agreement. “Perfect. I guess I’ll see you in the morning then.”
I didn’t want her to leave, but I could already see her shifting in her seat as she prepared herself to go. She had work, I got that, and we probably needed a bit of separation anyway while we adjusted to us now. I watched her stand, my heartstrings tugging, my instincts screaming at me to keep her with me, but this was exactly why I needed to let her go. I knew that I had the tendency to fall too hard, too quickly. Maddie wouldn’t take advantage of that, I didn’t have that issue with her at all, but if I was all needy, hot, and heavy, it could easily send her flying in the wrong direction. I wanted to keep her close, not push her away, and that involved letting her go.
“Bye then,” I said a little awkwardly as we stood by the front door. I wasn’t sure how to behave today. Did I lean down and kiss her? Wave inanely like an idiot? Shake her hand like we were work colleagues? Urgh, what the hell was wrong with me? I thought I was a little better around women these days! “See you tomorrow.”
Maddie paused for a moment too, but then she flung her arms tightly around my waist, and she held me to her. I wondered if she could feel how hard my heart hammered against my rib cage, right where her head lay. I inhaled deeply, breathing in her beautiful, sweet scent, knowing that would have to be enough to get me through the day.
Maddie was right to come over. I much preferred this to a text message. At least now, I didn’t have to wonder what she meant with each and every word. When she said she cared about me, she meant it. When she said that she just wanted to take things slowly so we didn’t wreck things, I could fully understand.
It hurt to watch Madison walk away from me, but I still felt so much better than I did when I woke up. I was no longer falling into the unknown; I knew exactly where I stood. The ground wasn’t firm, it was a little shaky, but that was okay because Maddie stood there next to me, metaphorically holding my hand.
It’s going to be fine, I told myself happily. Nothing to worry about at all.
Chapter 14 – Madison
Thursday
“You did what?” Tina demanded, much too loudly for my liking. I tried to shush her, to quieten her down, but she wasn’t having any of it. She seemed to be in shock. “You slept with him?” At least she hissed this part. “You actually got into bed and had sex with Parker, your friend, after your date? I can’t believe it; I never thought that would happen. Even when we were picking out dresses, I didn’t think it would end up in the bedroom.”
“Shhh, yes I did.” I darted my eyes everywhere. “But he’s here, helping me out, so you need to be quiet.”
“Urgh, I cannot believe that it was my day off yesterday so I didn’t get to hear all the juicy details.” She pouted, acting all dramatic about it. “Why didn’t you ring me? We could have chatted.”
“I don’t know,” I chuckled back. “I guess I was still trying to get my head around it yesterday. Plus, this is more of a face to face conversation, don’t you think? We’ll have plenty of time to talk about it...”
“Was he good?” Typical Tina, getting down to the nitty gritty right away. “Was it, like, the best ever?”
I chewed on my bottom lip, a little bit embarrassed to admit it aloud. Especially since she had been making jokes about this for as long as I could remember. “It was amazing,” I said quietly. “But please, be quiet about it.”
The last thing I wanted was for Parker to come back from the store across the road where I had sent him on a fool’s errand to give me and Tina some time alone before I exploded, to hear us talking about him. It might have been complimentary, everything that I was saying, but it would make things very humiliating.
“So, are you two together now? Surely after all these years of things building up, you’re together?”
“It hasn’t been years of building up...” I started before I actually began to doubt myself. Maybe it had been, and I just didn’t see it. Perhaps the feelings had always been there, building under the surface before we couldn’t control it any longer. It did seem to come from nowhere. “Oh, I don’t know... but we aren’t together right now.”
“Oh no,” Tina groaned while throwing her head back and closing her eyes, as if she was in actual distress about this news. “You’re kidding me? Why the hell not? Aren’t you perfect for one another? Can’t you see that?”
Her sentence slid gorgeously down my throat. I absolutely loved the idea that me and Parker were perfect for one another. It would be the most incredible love story of all time. Childhood friends who supported one another through absolutely everything, even the hardest times ever, become true love without either of them expecting it. But, I really didn’t want to get carried away, I kept quite firmly telling myself not to. I wanted to be smart.
“We’re just taking things slowly, that’s all.” I gave her a blasé shrug. “It’s better that way. I don’t think either of us wants to complicate things or make it messy if it doesn’t work out. We still want to stay friends.”
Tina nodded along, appreciating this. “Yeah, I guess that makes sense, I just can’t wait for it to happen.”
I shot her a curious look. “Why are you so interested in my life all of a sudden?”
The glare I got back was quite intense. I felt the need to recoil backward under the weight of it. “Because I’m your friend, silly.” She rolled her eyes at me. “And because I care about you. I don’t think I’ve ever really seen you be happy before, especially not in past relationships and I want that for you.”
“You... you think Parker can give me that?” I stammered back, shock making me ask the question I usually wouldn’t, purely for fear of the possible answer. “You honestly think he can be the one to make me happy?”
“Why don’t you sound sure? You’ve already pretty much said that he was amazing in the sack, which since it’s you I’m going to take as a massive understatement.” I couldn’t help but shudder as she hit the nail on the head. “And you have this incredible friendship. You would have more trust than you could in any other relationship, plus a really deep love. There’s no way either of you would get into it for the wrong reasons because you have so much to lose...”
“Wow,” I gasped, clutching my hand to my chest. “You really have thought about it.”
“And just think how cute your children would be! Oh, my goodness. Can you imagine?”
“Well, now I can!” I tried to play it off as a joke, but both of us knew that she had something there. Tina made it sound like the easiest thing in the world to do, but we both knew that wasn’t the case. The parts to potentially lose were so huge that they almost overshadowed the good that could come from us. “God, what are you doing to me?"
Tina’s lips parted, and I waited to hear her next quip but it didn’t quite come out of her mouth, and soon it was obvious why. Parker was back, in all his stunning glory, with the magazines and newspapers we didn’t really need.
“Oh, hey, Parker,” she purred in a mock flirty tone instead. So much for trying to keep our conversation just between us. Honestly, why did she always have to be such a wind-up. “Good to see you again.”
“Yeah...” Parker gave her an odd look. He didn’t seem to immediately understand her hidden message, which was good. I preferred him to dumbly be unaware; it made life so much easier! “Good to see you too.”
“Well, not for long because I’m back to work, but I’ll see you crazy kids later.”
I shrugged off Parker’s questioning look, trying to act as if I had no idea why Tina was acting so crazy. But I couldn’t meet his eye as I did so because it felt dishonest. I wasn’t lying though; it just felt odd to say that I’d been discussing us. I would feel weird to know that he’d talked ab
out me with Buster... which would happen!
Oh God, my body groaned in protest. I don’t want to think about that!
This was why mixing friendship and pleasure was complicated. This was just one of the many, many reasons we had to hold back and play it safe because so much of our lives were intertwined. Just about all of it.
“I think we should go to the children’s ward today once we’ve dropped off this reading material.” I figured I might as well make use of it since Parker had gone to the effort of buying it. And there were many bored people on all the hospital wards, so reading material always came very much in handy. “Play some games with the kids.”
“Sure.” Admittedly, playing with the children wasn’t always Parker’s strongest point because he was shy and I guess he felt a little awkward around them. Most people did because they didn’t know what to say to ill children, but he’d been a little more open today, and I wanted to take advantage of that. He even looked less hesitant as he replied.
“Great, sounds awesome. Let’s go and put these in the communal room. Plenty of people will want them.”
I walked along with hallway and Parker fell into step beside me, giving me those thrilling chills once more. Even doing something like this, an activity that we did together all the time, one that wasn’t anything to do with us, it felt like everything was still bubbling under the surface. But now I couldn’t help but wonder if it had always been that way. A part of me wanted to ask Parker, to see what his opinion on the subject was, but I didn’t. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel if he said no, or if he said yes. It would be incredibly weird to learn that he’d liked me forever.
“Thank you for coming today by the way,” I blurted out, simply wanting to fill the silence somehow. “It’s always awesome to have another set of hands in the place, but yeah... you probably know that by now.”
“See, not so lazy after all,” he teased, reminding me of our date as he nudged me in the side. “And you might not want to thank me just yet because I might well have a favor to ask of you, and you can hardly say no now!”