by Lexi Banks
“No, trust me, I won’t ever ask you to. My God, what a disaster that was.”
We laughed about it, albeit tentatively, which felt good. It was much better than obsessing over Maddie anyway. While I couldn’t do anything about it, it was safer to just distract myself. Thank God I had plans, but I knew I’d keep my cell phone with me just in case Maddie got in touch. I couldn’t distract myself that much...
Chapter 20 - Madison
Monday
I ran my hand over my breast for the hundredth time, hating the sensation of the lump. It wasn’t going anywhere though, no matter how many hours I spent touching the area. Just like Mom when she found the lump. Well, I guess not like my mother at all. I had no idea the first time around. Maybe she felt it a long time before she braved getting it checked out. Perhaps she ignored it for as long as she could, not wanting to accept that it had happened. Or there was a chance that she went to the hospital right away. She had a child to think about, I suppose, she couldn’t afford to be selfish and push it to the back of her mind for a while. Plus, she truly as a lot braver than me, always.
But the second time around, I saw it. The lump. I came into her bedroom and found her sitting on the edge of her bed, sobbing her heart out as she ran her fingers over it just like I was right now. I asked her what was wrong even though deep down I knew, and she couldn’t even say those words to me. She just pointed to it, and it looked exactly the same as what I sported on my body right now. She wasn’t much older than me; I guess I always knew there was a risk. But God damn it, the more I thought about it, the more real it became. The harder it as to digest.
Do something about it, I told myself firmly. Don’t be one of those people who dies through fear...
But my mom died anyway. She was brave, as far as I knew she went to all the appointments, and the cancer killed her anyway. She did absolutely everything right, and still, the illness beat her. If it could take my mom down then, I wouldn’t be an issue. I would be easy to destroy. Everything that I’d done, all I worked for, it would be for nothing. Just as I found some happiness too, that as damn typical. I almost had it all, and now I was about to lose.
A tear leaked down my cheek, the thought of death was nearly too much to stomach. It was a very weird concept to imagine the world going on without me. The research continuing, Tina making new friends, Parker moving on, finding someone else to marry and spend the rest of his life with... it was all too much. A tear leaked from my eye.
Don’t be so defeatist! I scolded myself. Not everyone is killed by the illness; more people live every day...
But I couldn’t stop it; I couldn’t help fearing the worst. It was as if I had immediately become a pessimist and all I could think about were the worst case scenarios. The world ending. At least ending for me...
I brushed the tear angrily away from my eye, and I yanked my shirt down to finally cover me up. I needed to get to the hospital soon, even though the last thing I wanted was to be surrounded by cancer. The more normal I behaved, the more I acted like everything was normal, the more I hoped I would feel that way.
Time to face the world, I told my reflection in the mirror. Hopefully, the cool air of day will calm my red face.
I tried my hardest not to think about it as I drove all the way to the hospital. I played the radio loud so nothing else could get in, but every single time I closed my eyes, even for something as short as a blink, the image of the lump came back. I had spent enough time examining it in the mirror to know how it looked by memory.
Fucking lump. I tried to be angry at it, to make it easier, but all I felt was fear. I fucking hate it.
I forced a bright smile onto my face as I walked through the doors, I didn’t want a single person to know that there was anything going on underneath the surface, which actually worked for most people. Most, not all.
“What is going on?” Tina demanded the second she saw me. Her expression narrowed. “Come with me.”
She dragged me into the bathroom and made sure that there wasn’t anyone else there. Then she ran her eyes up and down me searching for the answer, which of course lay on my chest. Not that she could see that.
“I’m fine,” I tried to get my argument in quickly, I wasn’t totally ready to talk about it just yet. “I’m okay.”
“No, don’t give me that bullshit, I can see right through you.” She shook her head angrily. “Tell me what it is. Did he do something to upset you? Do I need to go over to Parker’s house and kick his ass?”
God, in all of this mess, I’d almost forgotten about Parker. The thought of his face made my heart ache. I just wanted to hold him tight to me, to see where things could go with us, to just focus on the potential we had.
“No, it’s nothing to do with Parker.” The emotion balled up in my throat, and I got choked up as I spoke. “It’s me.”
“You did something?” I wasn’t sure how to feel about her shocked expression. “What did you do?”
“I didn’t do something.” Shit, the tears were back, and now they felt much more violent as they raced down my face. “I found...” Fuck, this was so much harder to say. Talking about it, acknowledging it to someone else made the stark reality of it hit me even harder. It was like a slap in the face. “I found a lump on my breast.”
I slid my eyes closed. I couldn’t bear to see Tina’s reaction while she let this sink in. her shock would utterly destroy me. She knew just how serious it was anyway, never mind involving my family history. I was screwed.
“You did?” Tina’s voice was close to me now. “Can I see it? Should I take a look?”
I considered it. It would only be lifting my top up to show her a part of my body that she’d undoubtedly seen before as we got changed to go out somewhere, but I couldn’t stand her critical eye, her medical knowledge. I didn’t want to know; I couldn’t get the answer one way or another just yet. I needed my head in the sand for a little longer.
“Not yet,” I whispered back. “I just need to get my head around it first.”
I peered through my eyelashes and spotted her standing there with her hands on her hips. She was half in the friend role, half in the medical professional role, and I wasn’t sure which one I needed the most.
“You have to get it checked out; you know that, right?” I nodded but remained silent. “I don’t want to be a dick about it, but do you know how many people die each year just because they’re embarrassed? You really can’t be one of those people, Maddie. You know. You work with it every single day; you see it all the time...”
“I know, I know.” I shook my head in annoyance. “I’ve told myself all of this. I know from my mom as well. I just...” My voice faltered, the fear became obvious. “I just don’t want to think about it just yet. I would rather wait. Just for a little bit. Just until I’m adjusted.”
Tina parted her lips, I could see that she had a lot more lecture in her, but thankfully she didn’t let it out. She nodded sharply and gave me a look instead. Then, she grabbed hold of me, and she pulled me towards her for a hug. I fell into her chest finding at least some comfort there. It wasn’t an answer, but at least I wasn’t alone anymore.
“I’m here for you,” she whispered into my ear. “You know that, right? I’m always here.”
“I don’t know if I can be here,” I admitted quietly, able to be a bit freer. “It’s too much. I can barely stand it.”
“No, of course, you can’t.” Tina pulled back to stare into my eyes. “You’re allowed to be sick you know? Go home, sleep it off or do whatever it is you need to do, and I’ll sort things here. Just please, take care of yourself.”
I nodded gratefully suddenly feeling really tired. I hadn’t slept much in days, and while that might not change now, it would be easier to be at home than here. For the first time ever, I needed to relax.
“Good, and I will come over after work to check on you, so you wait there for me, okay?”
I HONESTLY DIDN’T THINK I would be able to sleep, but I must have
done nothing but because it felt like seconds had passed by the time I head knocking on the door. Tina coming around disturbed me and dragged me from my deep sleep, but actually, I was glad for it. I did feel a whole lot better, much less teary, like I could face things. Maybe.
“Coming,” I muttered thickly while staggering towards the door. I unlocked it and let her in.
“Oh, my goodness.” Immediately she threw her arms around me and embraced me hard. “I am so sorry.”
“Sorry?” I asked, bemused. “What are you sorry for?”
“My reaction, when you told me, it wasn’t the best. I keep thinking about it and I was just so stunned...”
“Tina!” I pulled back to stare at her. “Don’t be mental, you were amazing, honestly.”
We walked into the front room where she took a seat next to me. I could almost feel something burning off of her, she was utterly terrible at keeping secrets as this was about to prove.
“What’s going on?” I demanded while giving her a look. “Whatever it is, just tell me.”
“I do have food on the way,” she informed me. “So, you can’t be too mad at me.”
“Just tell me what it is already.” I rolled my eyes, trying to act like I wasn’t freaked out about the possibility of more bad news. “Rip the band aid off and let me have it.”
“I did something,” she confessed. “But I only did it for you, for your benefit.”
My heart balled up in my throat, I felt sick to my belly, but I tried my hardest not to let that show. I didn’t want to put Tina off the idea of telling me, or I’d be tortured for another long old night of being awake.
“What did you do?”
“I booked you an appointment with the doctor.”
Fuck, that was bad, it was really bad. I wanted to do that on my own time, in my own way, but perhaps I wouldn’t do it at all if left up to me. Maybe Tina knew that which was why she took action on my behalf. I didn’t know whether to be mad or happy that she’d done that for me, without even asking.
“I know you hate me right now but come Friday, you’ll be on the way to knowing for sure either way.”
“Right.” The world spun, I couldn’t see any longer. Friday wasn’t long enough away; I wasn’t ready. “Friday.” Was that me speaking? How did I manage to sound so calm? “An appointment on Friday. No trouble at all.”
I could hear Tina still explaining herself to me, but her voice was muffled, I couldn’t make out any words as I drank this in. On Friday, I would have to confront this for real. It was time to get ready for reality to hit...
Chapter 21 – Parker
Tuesday
“So, my words of warning did nothing to stop you then?” Buster smirked as he swung the golf club. He must have been so distracted by my situation because he somehow managed to completely miss the ball. What a fool! “This whole thing between you and Madison hasn’t stopped? Even though it’s an utterly terrible idea? Can’t you see how this is all going to crash and burn messily around you? Honestly, I think you’re blinded by lust because you finally have her in your bed. It’s going to be awful when it all falls apart, and you find yourself left with nothing.”
“I just don’t see it like that.” I shrugged in what I hoped was a blasé manner. “It’s all good. Everything is fine.”
I wasn’t about to tell him that I hadn’t heard from Maddie all day long, which wasn’t normal. During our period of being just friends, before anything untoward happened, I would always at least get a message from her. Something seemed to be going on with her, and I couldn’t work out what. I hoped it wasn’t me; I didn’t want to be the issue! What if she regretted anything happening between us and she didn’t know how to tell me? It would be hard to go back to just friends, but I could do it to salvage our amazing friendship. I didn’t want to lose that.
“Hmm, I’m sure.” Buster seemed to see right through my rouse. “Do you want talk about it? I won’t say I told you so...” He seemed to realize what a commitment this was. “Okay, so I might, but only the one time.”
I considered it. I did want to open up and get some advice from my friend, but now that he found himself in his own love story I wasn’t sure that I could. I didn’t know if I’d want to hear what he’d had to say. In the past, it had always been okay because he knew nothing about commitment anyway, but now he was armed with information.
“How are things with Lola?” I asked instead, seamlessly changing the conversation. “Let’s talk about that instead.”
“Oh, really good.” His face was overcome with a moony expression that made me throw up in my mouth just a little bit. I would have to meet this woman soon enough; it intrigued me to see what was so wonderful about her that she managed to tame the ladies’ man. “Lola is awesome. Honestly, I like her more every single day. It’s nuts.”
I took another swing with the golf club, sending the ball flying into the hole. I pumped my fist in a mini celebration at this tiny victory. I needed the boost from winning at something, and right now golf was all I had.
“Steady on, man,” I teased. “You’ll be dragging her down the aisle in a minute, making an honest woman out of her.” Buster averted his eyes, his cheeks staining a funny shade of pink. “Oh my God, you haven’t, have you?”
If he had proposed to her, that would really tilt the world on an odd axis. I didn’t think I’d ever see him married.
“Not yet, but I think I might.” His voice was quiet as he spoke out those shocking words. The low volume didn’t make a difference in the way my heart stopped anyway. “She’s definitely the one who will end up as my wife.”
“D... dude,” I stammered awkwardly. “I can’t in all good faith let you marry her when I don’t even know her.”
“You can meet her whenever you want.” He appeared genuinely shocked by my desire to get to know the woman who had changed him. “I can set it up whenever you want. Maybe you and Maddie, if you like...?”
He purposely left that question in the air, and I gave him no answer on that front. He could poke and prod all he wanted; I wasn’t about to confess everything. I couldn’t tell him that I didn’t really know what was going on. I just went ahead of him and continued on with our game, hitting the ball as far as it could go.
“So, sorry again about things with that mess when it came to Charlotte,” Buster said as he caught up with me. “I know we talked about it the other night and it was all good at the time, but I still feel bad.”
I smiled at the sheepish tone of his voice knowing that he just wanted to smooth things over for now.
“I know you’re sorry, and you know it’s okay. It doesn’t matter; I just don’t want to be around Charlotte Lawson again. She’s a nightmare. At least you got to see that for yourself so I know it’s not me going mad.”
“Yeah.” He furrowed his eyebrows as he recalled that terrible meeting. “It was awful. I didn’t know it’d turn out like that. I can see now why she’s got such a bad reputation. People are right about her. She’s high maintenance in a way I haven’t seen in a person before, and she’s sexually aggressive too.” He shuddered violently. “No, not great by anyone’s standards. Although many people must have seen past that for long enough to jump into bed with her...”
We continued to talk about other people we knew as we finished off our round of golf, making me feel a little weird. I still wasn’t totally sure if I missed the business world or not. Half of me did, I couldn’t get past the structure and stability that came with it. Plus, the excitement of making something incredible happen... but the other half of me continued to remember what a toxic, nasty world it could be and how it could make a person feel. It wasn’t always fun, excitement, and damn roses, but when nothing else was going right, I couldn’t help wishing I could be back there. Talking about it as I played golf with my best friend was only making that more prominent.
But I couldn’t shake off the feeling that something was wrong. I could almost feel upset radiating off of Madison even though I had no
idea where she was. I vowed to myself that I’d call her the moment I got home. Even if it was me, and I discovered that I was the problem, then I could do something about it, make it right.
Not long now. I glanced at my watch, now wishing the game of gold could be over. I couldn’t exactly make this call in front of Buster! Not long and I’ll get my answers. I’ll find out if I need to get out now.
TRUE TO THE PROMISE that I’d made myself while on the golf course, I called Maddie the moment I got back home. It had been even longer, more hours had passed, and still, I hadn’t heard a damn thing. It wasn’t right. Even if she was working, she would have had a break at some point. Even at her busiest time, she could fire off a couple of words in a text message. There was something wrong with her, and I felt compelled to find out what.
“Hello.” Intense relief flooded me as I heard her sweet voice. A part of me suspected that she might not pick up.
“Hi, Maddie.” I held the phone so close to my ear it was as if I wished she’d crawl through the receiver. “How are you? I haven’t heard from you all day, and I just wanted to check in on you.” I cringed as those words left my mouth. How needy did I want to sound exactly? “I know that you’ve probably been working, but...”
Nope, no excuse would cut it. I’d said that desperate sentence, it was out in the world now, too late for me to retract it. I needed to stop talking if I didn’t want to make this whole thing weirder than it already was.
“No, I haven’t been working. I’m not very well, actually, so I’ve just been at home.”
The knowledge that she was sick made me feel ill myself. “Oh my God, I didn’t know. I could have been there for you. What do you need? Can I bring around some food or drinks? Anything you want, let me know. Any meds. Let me take care of you.” Urgh, again I found myself laying it on much too thick. “If you want me to...”
She paused for a beat too long, and that silence crushed me. I got the strange sense that she wasn’t telling me everything and I couldn’t work out why. I hated to admit it, but this was where Buster’s words were right. Before we ever hooked up, she didn’t keep anything from me. The dynamic in our relationship had changed, irrevocably so.