by Lexi Banks
I would have been there for him, but that was different. I knew how hard it was. He had no clue.
A part of me wanted to grab my clothes to walk out right now, just to spare him. If this was anyone in the world other than my best friend, I probably would have gone with that whim, but Parker deserved better, he needed more. I would have to be brave and talk to him in the morning instead.
Chapter 27 – Parker
Monday
I lay my aching head down on Buster’s desk, allowing the ream of thoughts to race through it. I had been strong for Maddie, I had been holding my head high for her, but now the reality was starting to set in. This was serious; there was a potential of cancer running through her body, she could end up the same way as her mom...
“That’s heavy,” Buster said morosely. “I’m sorry to hear that. It shouldn’t have happened to her.”
His sympathy made it feel worse. If he’d been more upbeat and positive about Maddie’s potential outcome, I probably would have felt better, but Buster had always been a realistic man. He wasn’t a pessimist, but he did believe in preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. I had to respect him applying that right now.
“She doesn’t have the results yet. I suppose we won’t know either way for a while. These things take time.”
Buster nodded slowly and gave me a half smile. “I know they do, buddy, just hope for the best, okay?”
“I will. I keep planning things for the future in my brain so I can’t get lost in any worry.”
Buster leaned back in his chair and he gave me a curious look. “So, you are thinking in terms of a future with Madison, then? This isn’t just a fling anymore because that’s how it seemed in the beginning.”
I didn’t think it had ever been that in my mind, I just wanted to save face, so I acted like I was far less into it than was the truth. I guess if it ever fell apart I didn’t want anyone to know just how crushed I felt. Especially not the man who had warned me against going anywhere near Maddie in that way... but that had all passed now. The time for fearing what others thought, for acting in a certain way to protect my own reputation, didn’t seem as important as it once did. Madison was potentially about to face a very serious time in her life. I needed to be all in. Silly worries were a thing of the past; this was all about the here and now. And now, Maddie needed me to be strong.
“I guess so,” I replied with a shrug. “I don’t know, for now, we just need to get through this, but afterwards... who knows. It’s up to her really, whatever she wants. With all of this going on, I don’t know how she feels yet.”
I hoped that would be the end of the conversation, but Buster had other ideas. “But you like her?”
I sighed and opened up even if I wasn’t really ready to. “Much more than I thought I would.”
There, that had to be enough. I couldn’t be more vulnerable than that with Buster. He had to understand that this wasn’t an easy time for me and saying anything at all was utterly massive. I hoped he would see that.
“Well then, you need to make sure that you’re there for her, man.” He patted me on the arm, allowing me to relax as I sensed that we were done with the questions portion of the evening. “She needs you now, more than ever. If you can prove that you’re worthwhile and sturdy, then you might well have a chance to make things good.”
I fell into that dream for a moment, now thinking about what it would be like to actually be with Maddie. Before I assumed it might not be a long-term thing, I didn’t want to think too much into the whole marriage and babies thing, but now it was a picture that grew clearer. This cancer scare had sharpened my mind and made me see exactly where I wanted things to go. Maddie wasn’t just someone I loved; she was ‘the one.’ She was my future.
“We’ll get through this,” I told myself as well as Buster. I needed to get rid of any slight doubts. Yes, reality had settled in, and the gravity of what we had to face had hit, but that didn’t mean I should be negative. Maddie was a powerful force to be reckoned with; it would take more than cancer to take her down.
“That’s the way,” Buster smiled through his words. “Now, you should go and see her. I’m sure she misses you.”
I glanced at my watch, fully knowing that she'd be at the hospital. This was just another testament to her strength, I couldn’t think of anyone else who would be able to surround themselves with the disease they faced, but she spent so much time putting others first that wouldn’t change through any of this. She always wanted to help.
I could help too. If not Maddie, then the other people in the hospital. I felt like I was getting a tiny bit better every single time I volunteered, and there couldn’t have been a better time to start to really understand the illness and how it affected people. The more open my eyes were, the more I could do what was needed of me.
“You’re right. I’m going to see her now. Thanks for listening to me rant, that really means a lot.”
“Hey.” Buster made a sweeping open gesture with his hands. “I’m always here for you; you know that.”
I felt so grateful. There was a chance that I would need him more than ever now. Things were bound to get worse before they got better, but rather than making a big spiel about the gratitude he already knew that he had, I decided to tease him and make a little joke out of it instead. “Being in love has made you sappy. Honestly!”
Buster laughed as I left his office, and I joined in with him as I went. It felt good to laugh just a little, even if I always felt guilty after. I had to keep hoping that there would be something to be happy about afterward, otherwise what was the point in fighting at all? I needed something to aim for, and right now that was a happy ever after.
I hopped into the car and flicked the radio to life, forcing myself to hum along tunelessly as I headed towards the hospital. After speaking with my best friend, I felt a tiny bit better about things, and I needed to keep that joy going until I saw Maddie again. She needed me happy, so I did what I could to keep that emotion there.
“Hi, Parker.” Again, the first person I came across when I entered the building was Tina. She gave me a guilty smile, clearly still feeling bad for the last time I arrived by surprise when she dropped that bombshell on me. “How are you today? I’ve just seen Maddie, but she was headed to the research lab. Do you want me to get her?”
I did because in all honesty, it didn’t matter how much better I had become, I still felt a little awkward, but there wasn’t any point in dragging Tina away from her job just because I felt a little shy. I could keep myself busy, and out of trouble; surely it wouldn’t be for too long? It would give me some time to learn anyway.
“It’s okay; I’ll send her a text and let her know that I’m waiting. I’m sure she’ll come when she’s ready.”
I waited just a couple more minutes to see if there was any news yet. Logically, that was impossible because these things had to take time, but emotionally I still needed need to check just to be certain. But then Tina shook her head ever so slightly, seeing just what I needed to know, but unfortunately, she didn’t have anything for me.
“Okay, well I guess I’ll see you around, Tina. Thank you for all your help as always.”
I grabbed my cell phone out of my pocket while I walked to the canteen. I needed to get a coffee before I did anything else. I typed out a message rapidly as I walked. ‘Hey Maddie, I’m at the hospital. No rush though, I know you’re busy. I’ll get some comic books and take them up to the children’s ward to wait. Parker x’
It was only seconds before I got my reply. ‘Okay, I’ll see you there. Maddie xxx’
Now I had to make good on my promise and get the comic books, so once I got the coffee, I headed to the store to pick up a bunch of comics. I wasn’t sure what kids were reading these days.
With a bundle in my arms, I headed towards the children’s ward, hoping that I’d be welcome. These were kids going through this horrific disease and from what I’d seen they always had a smile on their face. If I co
uld learn about how to deal with this in the best way, then that would be the place for it.
“HEY THERE, HANDSOME,” Maddie purred as she joined me. I was in the middle of an intense game of Scrabble where I was getting my ass kicked. And I was only half letting them win! “I’ve been watching you for a while.”
“You have?” Usually, I had a sixth sense when it came to Maddie’s eye upon me. “I didn’t notice.”
“Yeah, that’s because you were so lost in your game, but now it’s embarrassing how much you’re being beat.”
I shrugged and smiled. “I know, it’s humiliating. Katie and Marc are just too good.”
They had boosted my spirits; I felt much better seeing how people could still feel positive while suffering from cancer. None of them whinned, they didn’t ask for anything, they were so grateful all the time. I loved their attitude. They weren’t about to beat, and if they weren’t then Maddie and me wouldn’t either.
“Do you want to join in or do we have to get going?”
“I’m afraid the nurses are about to do their rounds, so the kids have to get to bed.” Admittedly, there was a bit of a groan there, but I could understand that well. I would have felt that way myself. “Sorry, kids.”
“That’s okay, Maddie,” Katie replied with a deep understanding. “We know.”
She had their respect, and she deserved it too. Maddie was the best person I knew. If she told them that she was going through the same, potentially, then there’d be even more respect, but she wouldn’t do that. Not because she didn’t want to share but because she wouldn’t want their sympathy.
“Will you come again, Parker?” Marc asked me with wide eyes. “Can we play games again?”
“Of course I will. I need to reclaim my title as champion! You two got lucky today, but I won’t let that happen again.” I pointed to them both and grinned. “Next time, I’ll be undefeated!”
As the kids went back to their room, I allowed Maddie to lead me away. She kept shooting looks at me, as if she was impressed. I suppose that made sense since I was usually much more reserved. But I’d changed, I was coming out of my shell, and that was because of her. She brought the best out of me, and I adored her for that.
“So, are you done for the day now? Can I take you home?”
She nodded and leaned against me. “Yes, I’m free, you can do whatever you want with me. I’m game.”
Ooh, that sounded too delicious for words. I liked the idea, I pulled her into me and held her close. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep because there’s no telling what I’m going to do to you tonight.”
She shivered and smirked. “Oh, I can stick to any promise, don’t you worry about that.”
There was no doubt anymore; we weren’t just friends...
Chapter 28 – Madison
Wednesday
It was taking too long, all of it. I wasn’t sure how I could stand it for even another second. I thought that by now someone would have been able to give me a hint as to what direction things were headed in. I had privileges, didn’t I? I worked here; I dedicated my time... but apparently, it didn’t work like that. These things really did need time to go through the relevant systems before I could get my answer. In the meantime, I needed to act like everything was just fine and carry on as normal... well, I sure as hell didn’t feel normal and that probably shone through.
“Do you need anything else?” I asked Billy with a deep sigh. He gave me a curious look, probably confused by my low mood, but thankfully he had the sense not to question it. “Or is that everything?”
“Er, yeah I think you’ve got me all I need. Tina was in here looking for you earlier; she might need you...”
Even if people didn’t know everything I suffered, they could still sense the big black cloud looming over my head. I was unwanted; I brought the mood down. I knew that I was impossible, but I couldn’t stop. If their lives were hanging in the balance, I felt certain they’d be experiencing the same thing. I knew for sure that if I ever saw someone in a foul mood, I wouldn’t make assumptions. I’d try to be more understanding. I wouldn’t judge.
“Okay, I’ll go and find Tina, thank you for letting me know.” I tried to smile, but it didn’t take. “See ya.”
I could swear I heard a sigh of relief as I left the room, but that could have just been in my imagination. Anyway, I ignored it, and I left the room searching out the one person who actually knew what was happening with me.
Ring, ring... Ring, ring... Ring, ring...
I let out a loud huff as I saw Parker’s name on my cell phone screen. I continually yoyoed between how I felt about him too. Not because I didn’t have a deep love for him, that remained, but because I was on a rollercoaster, I darted between loving the constant attention and feeling like he was smothering me. Like he thought he didn’t have much time left... I didn’t mean to be nasty to him, but I couldn’t be treated like that. I needed to live.
“Hi,” I answered with a morose tone, letting my current mood shine through.
“Hello, Maddie, how are you?” There was too much brightness to his tone. It sounded fake. “Are you okay?”
“Just at work. It’s...” I glanced around me, feeling even bleaker. “Well, it is what it is. It’s work.”
“Yeah? Oh, well, I can always pick you up if you want?” I didn’t respond; I felt too pissed off that he’d even suggest it. God my moods were wild; it was awful to be stuck in my own body. “Or not. Can I take you out sometime again? We could go for dinner tonight? Or whenever is suitable. Maybe even Saturday.”
I rolled my eyes, his words grating on me. “Sure, Saturday sounds good.” That was the furthest date away. Plus, there was a tiny little chance that I’d get really lucky and I might know something by then. “We can do something then. Or, maybe we could stay in? I don’t mind staying in and just relaxing. I might even like that more...”
To be honest, I felt like I was better locked away than facing other people. I could barely tolerate anyone anymore. I guessed it was already happening; I was isolating myself in the same way that many cancer suffers did. It was crazy; I didn’t even have confirmation that I had the disease yet. I was definitely not going to be good with it...
Unless it was the anticipation killing me. Maybe I was being destroyed and torn apart by that. I had to hope that having that knowledge one way or another would shake off at least a little bit of the dark mood.
“No, I definitely think we should go out. It’s much better, isn’t it? Preferable to sitting in the dark. We should go out and do something fun.” There was a definite edge to his voice; he needed this more than I did. “Don’t you think?”
Urgh, I really didn’t want to agree, that sounded like utter hell to me. I slid my eyes closed and caved to his needs. Much as it was easy to become self-involved in my misery, I had to at least try and keep some connections going.
“Sure,” I said with a stiff tone of voice. “Okay, yeah we’ll go out. Whatever you want.”
“Oh good.” The sheer relief was evident. “That sounds great; I’ll set about planning a day now.”
Urgh, planning. Planning meant it would be a heavy day. I really didn’t need that. I just had to hope and pray hard that I felt a lot better by then. But unless I wanted to snap and I wanted to sink him into this dark cloud too, then I had to act like I was actually a very pleasant person. I couldn’t be a bitch to Parker.
“I’ll speak to you later,” I finally said with a false smile. “I have to get back to work now. Billy needs me.”
“Right, sure. Well, give me a call when you finish, alright? I’ll be waiting for your call.”
Guilt crushed through my system while I hung up the phone, I felt horrible for my foul attitude, but I couldn’t shake the annoyance off either. Parker had rapidly gone from someone who wanted to do whatever I wanted, to determined just keep me busy instead at all costs. He kept doing what he thought was best for me, without actually asking what I wanted. It hurt. But even when I tr
ied to let him know what his attitude was doing to me he couldn’t seem to hear it. His brain was somewhere else.
He thinks I’m dying, I thought with a sad shake of my head. He really does, and that’s why he’s like this.
“Hey, Maddie.” Tina’s voice shocked me from my dark and terribly morose thoughts. Clearly, she’d come looking for me again; she must have needed me for something. “Are you okay? What’s happened?”
“Oh, it’s just Parker.” I did want to play it down a little, but the hurt radiated through my voice. “He’s acting like I’m dying again, trying to make me do all kinds of stuff. I swear, he’ll have me jumping out of a plane soon.”
Tina gave me a sympathetic look. “He just wants to keep you distracted, that’s all. He’s trying to make you have fun. I don’t think he wants you to feel like that... I know it’s hard on the both of you.”
I gave her a snort of derision. She probably meant well, and actually, she could have been right, but I just didn’t want to hear it. My mood was so bad; I couldn’t listen to anything that didn’t feed the monster.
“Sure, maybe. I don’t know.” I tried my hardest not to snap, but my tone was harsh. “It just feels like that right now. Everything he says feels desperate, as if he thinks I only have a few days to live.”
I gulped down the bitter ball of bile that lodged in my throat. I guess I hated it because that was how I felt myself. I was so scared that I would end up frail and sickly, almost lifeless like my mom did at the end. Every single time I slid my eyes closed I dreamt it was me lying in bed unable to even move. The cocktail of pills, the constant medical intrusion, the side effects of chemo... I couldn’t face any of it. It would turn me into a puddle of nothing.
“Come on, let’s take a walk. I’m on break now anyway. Let’s go and get a coffee from the bakery around the corner.” Tina did a similar thing to Parker, she wanted to distract me, but because I needed it so badly, I went with it. I nodded and agreed with her. “Good, because there’s a super cute new barista who’s started working there. I swear he likes me and I think he might ask me out soon, so I need your support right now. You know my flirting game isn’t strong, so if you see me failing, please jump in and shut it down. I don’t want to look foolish.”