Teresa Hill

by Luke’s Wish

  Then he stood in the driveway absolutely simmering with anger. It was rushing through him, zooming, leaving him feeling edgy and out of control and still wanting to rip somebody apart.

  Elena. He wanted to rip her apart.

  Why did she have to come back now?

  He’d spent at least six months sure that she’d come to her senses and come back, thinking it would be best for the kids and they’d muddle through somehow. He was prepared to put up with a lot for the sake of his kids. And then she’d asked for a divorce, and he’d given her one, still thinking she was bound to come to her senses. But she hadn’t. And now he’d moved on.

  He knew he could raise them by himself if he had to, and he’d come to realize that what he’d felt for Elena was nothing but a boy’s reckless passion, something that quickly burned out.

  He’d never really known her, certainly not the way a man should know a woman with whom he had children.

  Luke and Dani would be his first priority now. He wouldn’t stand by and watch her destroy them again. He wasn’t going to let her destroy anything.

  Which made him think of Samantha and the stricken look on her face before she’d run out of here. He wanted to go to her, too, but he had to see to the children first.

  He ended up having to borrow his father-in-law’s car, and when he arrived at his house, Katherine was sitting on the living-room sofa with Luke curled up against her. Joe came in as quietly as possible, going to them both and seeing the remains of tears on his son’s cheeks.

  “He’s asleep, isn’t he?” Katherine asked.

  “Yes.” Joe bent down and picked up his son, holding him close. Closing his eyes and taking a long slow breath, Joe realized Luke felt desperately small and fragile in his arms. “He looks so big to me some days. I forget, until I hold him like this, that there’s not that much to him. He’s still such a little boy.”

  “He won’t be for long,” Katherine said, standing and stroking Luke’s hair. “Not for long enough to suit you.”

  “I’m going to put him to bed.”

  Luke went down without stirring. He’d always fallen asleep that deeply. A fireball one minute, unconscious the next. Joe took off his son’s shoes and socks, then pulled back the covers and tucked Luke in, still in the clothes he’d worn that day. Luke wasn’t much for pajamas.

  Joe didn’t like the way Luke had run right to Elena, so excited, so eager. He was afraid for his son. And his daughter…. Joe went down the hall to Dani’s room.

  His daughter didn’t even remember her mother. It had shocked him, although he supposed he might have expected that. Dani was so little. She hadn’t seen Elena in so long. Oh, there were pictures. But how many kids had to recognize their mother from pictures alone?

  He sat by Dani’s bed, brushing her hair back from her face, kissing her exquisitely soft cheek. “I’m going to take care of this,” he promised. “I’m going to take care of everything.”

  And then he went back to the living room. He thought Katherine would be standing by the door, ready to go, but she wasn’t. She was still sitting on the sofa, looking as dazed and shocked as he was.

  “Elena was still there when you left?” she asked.

  “Yes.”

  “I don’t want to go back there, Joe. I don’t want to go back to my house, because I have no idea what to say to my own daughter.”

  He put a hand on Katherine’s shoulder. She had been wonderful to him the whole time Elena was gone, she and her husband both.

  “I bet she thought she’d just come back and say she was sorry, and everything would be okay. That we’d all be so happy to see her we’d forgive her anything,” Katherine said. “And the sad truth is, we’ve done that so many times. So it’s no wonder she’d think that. Her father and I always wanted her to have the best of everything, and we wanted to make things as easy as possible for her. Tom and I always managed to smooth out any little troubles that came her way. So I guess we taught her this—that she could do anything, and we’d take care of things for her.”

  “She’s a grown woman, Katherine, not a little girl anymore. She is what she is now. Her choices, her responsibility.”

  “We won’t make it easy for her this time. I bet she came back with no money and no job, no place to stay, and thinks her father and I will fix all that, too. But we’re not going to. Not this time.”

  Joe nodded. “I told her I wouldn’t stop her from seeing the kids, but I’m not going to put up with her flitting in and out of their lives, either. She’s got to make a decision, and I’m going to hold her to it, whatever it is.”

  “Good,” Katherine said. “It’s the right thing. I’d hate it if she stayed out of their lives for good. But I know you can’t let her keep putting them through more years like the one that just passed. It’s too hard on them, and it’s not fair to them, either. Who knows? Maybe Elena will grow up this time.”

  “Maybe,” Joe said.

  “Did you talk to Samantha?”

  “No. Not yet.”

  “She’s lovely, Joe. Inside and out.” He nodded.

  “I’m sure this has all left her uneasy. Why don’t you go see her now? I can stay a while longer. I really don’t want to see Elena yet.”

  “Okay. Thank you.”

  It was nearly eleven by the time he walked up to her door. There wasn’t a single light on in the house, and that surprised him. He’d have thought she’d know he’d need to see her tonight. If Katherine hadn’t volunteered to stay, he would have talked Samantha into coming to him at his house. And he couldn’t quite believe she’d go home and crawl into her bed, thinking she wouldn’t even be talking to him.

  He was also just a little bit mad about the way she’d left him tonight.

  Oh, he probably didn’t have any right, and he could probably put the anger down to the fact that he’d had a lousy day, and he was mad at the whole world right now. But he hadn’t liked the way it felt one bit to be standing there, so upset, so thrown by what had happened, needing her and having to watch her run away.

  Deep down he realized he was blaming her for old wounds—for Elena. Which he knew wasn’t fair. But then, he wasn’t feeling quite rational tonight, either.

  He leaned on her doorbell, hearing the sound echo through the seemingly empty house. It took two more tries and a long wait before she came to the door and stood there, wrapped in a soft yellow robe, her hair mussed, her cheeks pale, eyes red.

  “Come here,” he said, stepping inside and thinking to pull her into his arms.

  She wouldn’t, and stepped back before he got hold of her.

  “Samantha?”

  “Don’t,” she said, sounding nearly as fragile as Dani did sometimes.

  “Why not?” he growled.

  “Because if you touch me right now, I’m afraid I’ll start to cry again, and I really don’t want to do that.”

  “Why?” He stared at her, not understanding at all, and the only thing he could think of that might be upsetting her was Elena’s return. “You can’t think that Elena coming back will have any effect on you and me.”

  “I’m trying to tell myself it won’t,” she said, turning away from him.

  “Samantha!” He grabbed her then, by the arms. “Look at me.”

  She didn’t, just stared at the floor, her hair shielding her face.

  “Look at me!” he insisted, giving new meaning to the idea of being on the edge of control. He was shocked himself at how easy it would be to fly off the handle tonight. “You know whatever I felt for her was over a long time ago.”

  “Are you sure about that?”

  “Yes, I’m sure. I’m in love with you.”

  “And what about Luke? And Dani?”

  “What about them?”

  “They wanted Elena back.”

  “Dani doesn’t even know her anymore,” he pointed out.

  “But Luke does. He wants her.”

  “He thinks he wants her back. He wants the kind of mother he should have, not
the one he got.”

  “Still—”

  “I know he for sure doesn’t need to be here when she walks out again, and I’m afraid that’s what she’ll do.”

  “Maybe,” Samantha said. “But what if she doesn’t? What if she has changed? And she wants the children back?”

  “The children are mine. I got full custody in that little quickie divorce she insisted on, and she didn’t fight me on that at all. She can’t change her mind now.”

  “She can try.”

  “Let her try! She’s not going to get anywhere with that.”

  “She could stay. She could have changed, and Luke wants her. She’s what he’s always wanted. He’s going to want the two of you to get back together, too.”

  “Samantha, he’s a little boy. He doesn’t always get what he wants. Elena taught him that, too.”

  “Still, it’s what he wants. You know how much he wants it, and you’d do anything for him, Joe.”

  “I wouldn’t get back together with Elena for anything. Not even for my son. I don’t happen to think that would be the best thing for him, either. He might want it for a little while, I’ll grant you that. But right now all he’s thinking about is that he’s so happy she’s back. Pretty soon he’s going to start remembering what it was like to be without her for so long, and he’s going to have some hard questions for her. She won’t take that well. And those excuses she’s made for herself her whole life aren’t going to wash with Luke.”

  “Maybe. Maybe not,” Samantha said.

  “Kids know who they can count on and who they can’t,” he insisted. “I know things are going to be sticky for a while, and complicated. Luke’s going to need a lot of love and kindness and patience, and everything else we can give him. We’ll get him through this, and once things settle down, we’re going to get married. Please don’t ever doubt that. Please don’t doubt what I feel for you.”

  “It happened so fast, Joe.”

  “Yeah. I fell in love with you that fast. But it’s real. I know it. Don’t tell me you doubt all of that now.”

  “I do love you,” she said.

  “But?”

  “I’m scared. I’m so scared!” she cried. “I’ve been here before, remember? I know what this is like.”

  “And I’m not Richard,” he growled. He wasn’t a slimy selfish jerk. “I know.”

  “Do you?” he asked, getting angrier by the minute. “Because I really hated watching you walk away from me tonight.”

  “I’m sorry. I just had to get out of there.”

  “And if you were thinking this was going to be easy, I’m sorry, but it won’t be. My life is messy and complicated right now, and maybe it always will be. I’m sorry about that, but that’s just the way it is. I can’t change it, and I didn’t think you were the kind of woman to turn and run away when things got tough. I was betting my heart, my soul, my kids even, on that. But if I was wrong, if you are the kind to pack it in and give up, you tell me now.”

  “Joe—”

  “Because I’ve been down that road. I’m not going down it again.”

  “I’m just scared,” she whispered.

  “Yeah,” he said, disgusted with the entire universe tonight. “Well, so am I, and I thought…”

  “What?” she asked. “What did you think?”

  “That after I dealt with my ex-wife and tried to do what I could for my kids, I could come here to you and lean on you a bit. That this little crisis would be different because I wouldn’t be in it all by myself—I had you. I didn’t have any doubts about that. I didn’t think you did, either, but I guess I was wrong about that.”

  And with that, he turned and walked out the door.

  “Joe,” she called after him.

  He stopped, but he didn’t turn around, wouldn’t even face her. “It’s not just about the good times,” he said. “It’s not about how nice things can be when everything’s going your way. Love and marriage and family is forever, good and bad.”

  “I know that. It’s what I want.”

  “And it doesn’t come with any guarantees.”

  “I know.”

  She put her hand on his shoulder, and he was angry enough to shake it off. He was seeing red at the moment. Anger and hurt and frustration like he’d never known. He’d been so sure this was it. That she was the one. That he’d gotten it right this time, and that he could count on her.

  And he had an idea that he wasn’t being quite fair to her, either, right now, but he was just too mad and too far gone down this road to sit back and think clearly at the moment. He’d been so sure he’d come over here and she’d take him in her arms, and he’d know that he was going to get through this with her by his side.

  So fear and anger drove him on.

  “You need to think about what you want,” he said. “Think about what you feel, what you believe deep down in your heart. Think about me and my kids and whether you’re in it for the long haul, Samantha. I won’t settle for less. Not this time.”

  Joe awoke the next morning between two small restless bodies, Luke on one side of him, Dani on the other. She’d had a nightmare early that morning and woken both him and Luke. And Joe was miserable enough, tired enough and lonely enough that the idea of sleeping with two squirming little kids sounded good to him, so he just brought them both into his bed. They slept like sardines, but he didn’t care. He wanted them close.

  Dani was bouncing now. She lay facedown, her knees tucked up under her, and rocked back and forth a bit, trying to put herself back to sleep. She’d done that since she was a baby. Some kids sucked their thumbs. Dani rocked.

  She used to scare him at night. She’d be in her crib, and he’d hear a thumping sound and wonder what in the world she could possibly be doing, and he’d find her rocking herself.

  Luke didn’t do that. He slept sideways and upside down, slept all over the bed. He was somewhere around Joe’s feet right now, and you couldn’t keep covers on the kid.

  Joe was going to find him and drag him back up to this end of the bed, but Luke sat up first, blinked and rubbed at his eyes, and then came and lay down beside Joe.

  Dani sighed heavily and snuggled in on the other side, and there they were, the Three Musketeers. He’d always told them they could do anything together, so they would get through this somehow. He would hold them all together, and he would protect them if it was the last thing he did.

  “Mommy’s really back?” Luke asked.

  “Yes.”

  “It’s her?” Dani asked, yawning.

  “Yes, it’s her.”

  “She looks different,” Dani said.

  “You don’t even remember her!” Luke snapped. “You are such a baby. How can you not remember her?”

  “Luke,” Joe said.

  “Am not,” Dani said.

  “Are so. You’re a big baby.”

  “Luke!” he said more sharply than he intended. “That’s enough.”

  Luke pouted. Dani looked as if she was working on producing a few tears for effect, to show that she was the long-suffering and most grievously injured party here. She could produce tears at will, and it had taken Joe a while to catch on to that little trick. But now that he knew, he couldn’t afford to give in to her every time she did it. But man, it was hard.

  “It’s all right,” he said, putting an arm around her and drawing her closer.

  “She looks diff’rent,” Dani insisted.

  “I know she does. Her hair’s shorter and…redder.”

  “I want mine to be red,” Dani said.

  “Maybe when you’re thirty, if you really want to, I’ll let you color your hair,” he said, kissing her cheek.

  She beamed at him. “I love you, Daddy.”

  “I love you, too, baby.” Then he turned to Luke. “How you doin’ this morning?”

  “I wanna see Mommy. Is she here?”

  “No,” Joe said.

  “Where is she?”

  “I bet she stayed with your grandparent
s.”

  “How come?”

  “Because she doesn’t live here anymore, Luke.”

  “But now she’s back.”

  “Yes. Back in town.”

  “She’s not gonna live with us?” Dani asked. “No.”

  “’Cause of Samantha?” Luke asked.

  “No. Because your mother and I aren’t married any longer.”

  “You could get married again, couldn’t you?” Luke asked.

  “We’re not going to do that.”

  “Because of Samantha,” he said.

  “Luke, even if I hadn’t ever met Samantha, I still wouldn’t get married to your mother again. I’m sorry, but it’s not going to happen.”

  “So what is going to happen? Mommy can’t stay here?”

  “She can stay here in town, if that’s what she wants. But not in this house. This is our house now.”

  Luke looked as if he was about to cry, and these were real tears. “You don’t want her here?”

  “I can’t be married to her anymore. But that doesn’t mean she can’t be here for you. She can still be your mother.”

  “I don’t understand!” Luke cried.

  “I know.” Joe hugged him close, too. “It’s a hard thing for me to understand and I’m a grown-up. It must be really hard for a big boy like you to understand.”

  “I don’t understan’, either,” Dani said. “An’ I’m hungry.”

  Joe decided food should come first. Actually he thought to distract his daughter with her favorite cereal, eaten in front of the TV, even. She thought that was the ultimate treat, and there was a good chance she’d stay put so that maybe he could have this out with Luke without her hearing it all. She didn’t need to hear all this. She wouldn’t understand.

  Once he had her settled, he found Luke in his closet holding his empty jar of teeth. Oh, no, Joe thought. He sat down in the closet with Luke and took the jar from his son’s hands, thinking that maybe he knew, after all, what this was about.

  “Wow,” he said. “It’s empty.”

  Luke nodded.

  “All those teeth. Must have been some wish.”

  “Yeah. It was.”

  “What did you wish for, Luke?”

  “That I had a mommy again.” And then Luke started to sniffle. “And I think this is all my fault.”