by T A. McKay
“I will try and call, but if I can't I’ll text.” I know I won’t call. I won’t be able to hear her voice without wanting to be back here with her, wanting to give up everything just to be with her. I turn towards my car and open the door, and as I'm about to get in I hear her voice. It’s soft but I hear her as clear as day.
“Stay. Please don't leave me, Noah. I want you to stay.” I close my eyes and drop my head. I can't do this, I need to leave. I don't turn to look at her, I know if I do then I won’t be able to resist staying with her. If I honestly thought she wanted me the same way I want her, that she loved me, then I would stay. I'm nothing more than a friend to her, a friend that took things a little too far when he was drunk. I can't give up everything to stay with someone who doesn't love me. I think about Judi, and know that I'm probably returning to another woman who doesn’t love me, but she is the one I made a promise to.
“Madison, please don't. I can't stay. I wish ... I just can't.” I get in the car and slam the door, trying to let out some of the anger I'm feeling deep inside. I try not to look out the window but I can't stop myself, it’s like I'm trying to torture myself as payback for what I’ve done to Judi. Madison is openly crying now, no longer trying to hide it from me. The tears streaking her face as her body shivers in the rain. I start the car and reverse out of the parking space. I need to leave, I can't be here anymore. I pull away from her, trying to leave her behind, but I can't stop watching her in my mirror. She is holding herself as the crying fully takes over. I have never seen her so upset and I can't do it, I can't drive away and leave her like this.
I bring the car to a stop, applying the handbrake before opening the door and moving quickly to her. She sees me and runs at me, throwing herself into my arms as she sobs. I hold her tight, letting her use me for the comfort she needs. I lift her, moving her towards her flat. I need to get her out of the rain before I leave, I can’t leave her here, making herself ill because of me. I walk through the living room, placing her on the couch and wrapping a blanket around her shoulders making sure she’s warm. I kiss the top of her head and move away from her, not risking a second look back as I close her front door and run to my car.
****
Judi was surprised to see me home earlier than planned and she was even more surprised when I grabbed her and kissed her like I hadn’t done in a long time. I swore to myself that I would make it up to her for the betrayal, even if she wouldn't know about it.
That was three days ago and I'm struggling with my plan already. I can't keep my mind from drifting to Madison and it’s messing with my head. I have spent the whole time trying to convince myself that I can't leave Judi, that Madison doesn't want me that way, but it’s hard not to pack up everything and drive to her. On Thursday night I actually left work with the plan to leave it all behind, but then Judi had been there. She was so excited about her first wedding dress fitting. Her excitement had been contagious and I found myself listening with a smile. I hadn't spoken to Madison since I left and maybe that the way it’s meant to be, I just need to get fully involved with this life. So here I am lying holding Judi in my arms. We had made love tonight for the first time in months, refusing to think about how strange it felt, how wrong it was. I put it down to guilt, knowing that I cheated on her making me feel awkward.
I was so convinced that my plan would work, that I just needed to focus on Judi and have less contact with Madison, it should have been an easy thing but it’s not. As hard as it had been to cope with, I was sticking to the plan or I was until now. Looking down at my flashing phone I see Madison’s name and my stomach does back flips. I gently slip my arm out from under Judi’s head and make my way out into the hall before answering.
“Hello?” I keep my voice low as I make my way down the stairs. The last thing I need is for Judi to know I'm sneaking out of our bed to speak to Madison.
“Hi.” Her voice is soft but it hits me straight in the gut. We have gone longer without speaking to each other, but never have we left so much unsaid between us.
“Are you okay?” I hear her dry laugh and it makes me worry. I think she’s still hurt, not that I can blame her. There are many things I wish I could change about the past, the way I left her that morning is one of them. The fact that she called me gives me hope, but I can’t expect her to forgive me again.
“Do you remember when we dated in high school?” It takes me a minute to answer. This isn't really where I thought this phone call was going to go.
“Yeah, I remember it well.” And I do. I remember every second of it. She was my first love, the only girl I ever chased no matter how much my friends laughed at me.
“I thought I loved you so much, do you know that? I loved you from the minute I laid eyes on you. I know you won't remember that moment, but it was in assembly. You were up on the stage getting an award for your running time in some track meet. I thought you were the most beautiful boy I had ever seen.” I hear the slight slur in some of her words and I wonder how much she’s had to drink. I go to ask her but she doesn't give me a chance before she continues.
“I spent so long wanting to talk to you, wanting to get you to notice me, but you never did. I wasn't blonde enough, or my boobs weren't big enough, or I didn't giggle at your jokes. You just never looked my way.” Her voice has gone quiet and I don't know if she’s still talking to me, or if she is just remembering out loud. I let her talk, making sure not to interrupt her as I walk to the glass doors at the back of the house. I look out over the garden that I never get to enjoy as she continues to talk, her voice soothing something inside me.
“Then you finally did see me, and you were an arse.” She laughs and I join her as I remember that day.
“You got us into so much shit that day, Angel. I can’t believe you did that to me.” I hear her soft laugh and I smile. This is the Madison I want, not the broken one I left in her living room.
“You were an arse, and you deserved it. Do you remember J’s party?” How could I forget? That was the night she stole my heart and ruined me for every woman that followed her. When my lips touched hers it was like a bomb went off in my heart and there was nothing I could do about it.
“Yeah I remember that night. That was the night I wanted to beat the shit out of every guy that looked at you. It was also the night I stopped looking at you as just my friend.” My voice lowers as I speak, realising that everything I’m saying is the truth. When I saw her that night everything changed.
“It took you long enough to notice.” There is a break in the conversation but I don't try to fill it. I'm just happy knowing she’s on the other end of the call.
“Did you know that kissing you was my first? I was so nervous but you made it easy, made me feel comfortable. You always did. That’s why I was glad it was you who was my first … well you know my first.” I know exactly what she’s talking about. The night I took her virginity. We’d been dating for about six months and I was so in love with her by that point. She had hinted a few times that she wanted things to go further but I’d been happy to wait until she was really ready, there was no rush. For the first time in my life holding hands and kissing was giving me a high. She was addictive and I needed to be touching her all the time. The night we took it further was her 16th birthday. She had told me she wanted to wait until she knew I wouldn't get into trouble, I was older than her and she was scared someone would find out. We had gone out to the local Pizza Hut to celebrate, and were joined by Rocco, Mason and their dates. The guys didn't have the best taste in women back then and I remember they brought girls that, well lets just say they had a reputation for keeping their dates happy. They spent the night looking down on Madison, making her feel like she was nothing. I was so mad that they were ruining her birthday, but when one of them had the nerve to promise me sexual favours in front of her I lost it. After shouting at the girl, telling her what I thought of her, I grabbed Madison’s hand and we left.
My heart broke when we got to my car and I saw that she
had tears running down her cheeks, all I could was hold her for as long as she needed. When she’d calmed down I drove us out to the beach. It was a place we used to call the beach but it was more like an unused building site with a man-made lake and sand, but to us it was seclusion from everything. I’d bought her a bracelet with a little diamond heart on it, it hadn’t cost much to buy but you would have thought I had given Madison the moon and stars. The kiss she gave me in return had curled my toes, it was filled with so much passion. That was the night that she gave me the most important thing to her, the night I felt like the man I always pretended to be.
“Why did you cheat on me? After everything you said to me, I thought I was the one. Was I not enough?” Her questions break me out of my thoughts but plunges me straight back into another memory. The memory of her walking in on me having sex with Rhu, the look on her face as I saw her heart break will stay with me for the rest of my life. It was a drunken mistake, Rhu had been trying to get me to notice her since I started going out with Madison, it had never worked until that night. I don't know why that night was different, what I thought I was missing with Madison but I let Rhu in.
“I don't know why I did it, I was young and drunk.” My voice is weak, not wanting to admit any of these things to her. We had been friends since then and never discussed it.
“And I thought it was something I did.” The laugh I hear isn't a happy one, it’s a laugh of disgust. A cold sound that is wrong coming from her lips.
“I don't know, okay? I was at the party and there were shots. I went to that room to lie down, nothing else. She came in and started kissing me, it took me a few minutes to realise it wasn't you and by then I didn't care.” She’s silent. I can't even hear her breathe.
“I didn't say I wasn't an arsehole! It happened and I can't change it, even though I have spent every day of my life since that day wanting to.” My voice rises without me meaning it to. I look towards the stairs, worried that I might wake Judi. The last thing I need is to explain to her why I'm down here talking to Madison so late at night. I open the glass door and step out onto the decking. It’s a mild night but there’s a heavy rain shower, creating a gentle breeze. The weather for the last few days has been high temperatures and nothing but sunshine, so not only can I see and hear the rain, I can smell it as it hits the ground. I close my eyes and breathe deep, trying to ease the tension that’s in my body. I’ve missed not talking to Madison, more than I probably should but I can't admit that. I’m stuck so deep in my head that I almost don't hear the whisper of her words.
“Were you an arsehole when you cheated on Judi with me? It seems to be a theme, getting drunk and sleeping with someone that you aren't with.” I stand there, not sure how to answer. I can't believe she just said that to me. I feel bad enough for cheating on Judi, but not as bad as I felt for leaving Madison and telling her it was a mistake.
“That’s low, Madison. I’m sorry I hurt you but I made a mistake, no one is perfect.” I try to hide the anger in my voice but I can’t. The thing is I know the anger isn’t at Madison, it’s at myself.
“I can't do this anymore, Noah.” Her voice is full of emotion, like she is trying not to cry.
“Can't do what?” I'm so confused. I don't think it’s just the alcohol that made her call, it looks like she needed to tell me something all along.
“This. You and me, you and Judi. I just can't do it. I can't watch you with her, knowing that I… I just can't do it, Noah. I'm sorry. Know I will always love you.” I don't even get a chance to answer before she hangs up on me, leaving me standing in shock.
Chapter Nine
Noah
I can't stop thinking about her words. Know I will always love you. I just can't stop thinking what she meant by them. Was it a simple ‘you are my best friend and I love you’ or is it just more my wishful thinking that she meant it in an ‘I love you Noah, I always have and I want to be with you’ way? She’s said the words before, but never in the way she said them that night on the phone. It felt like there was something behind what she was telling me, some hidden meaning that I couldn’t work out. I had tried to call her back when she hung up on me but I just kept getting her answering message. I know she had turned off her mobile, trying to avoid me and I didn't worry about it to begin with, but now it’s been a few days and I still can't get through to her. I’m so close to getting in my car and driving to her flat, demanding she speak to me and refusing to leave until she does. The only thing that’s stopped me doing it had been Judi, she’d organised appointments with the cake supplier and someone that I'm sure she said would be doing something to do with candles ...or flowers… or both. I honestly stopped listening after about five minutes.
I'm still feeling a bit lost about everything. After spending the night with Madison I could have easily walked away everything here, given up everything just to hold her every night for the rest of my life, but she doesn’t feel the same about me. The only sensible thing to do was to come home and make things better with Judi. I know I love Judi, it’s not the same kind of love I have for Madison but it’s a kind of love. Things went really well with that for about a week, and then the real Judi started coming out again. It was the simple things at first, our wedding cake is a flavour I can't stand, the colour theme of the wedding is pink when I had said I didn't want that and we are having a dinner party that I don't want to attend. She had said we were getting together with some of our friends to discuss the wedding and everyone's roles in it, but when I had suggested inviting Rocco and Makenzie she had screwed up her face, saying she thought it would just be our London friends. The only problem with that is I don't have any London friends, no one here is anyone I want to know, well not the people in the circles that Judi moves in.
I put my foot down and told her Rocco would be coming. He’s one of the biggest parts of this wedding, he’s my best man and there was no way that he wouldn’t be sitting with me tonight. I also needed him here as there was no way I could sit through an entire dinner and smile, pretending to like everyone as they go on and on about things that have no interest to me. Thankfully Rocco could make it, so I won’t be left to fake an illness to escape.
I hear the doorbell ring and I take another mouthful of beer. I’m sitting in my office refusing to leave until Rocco arrives. He had text earlier to say he’s on his way, but he’s alone. Makenzie isn't feeling very well so she didn't want to travel. I personally think she just doesn't want to come, I get on well with Makenzie but I don't think she likes Judi very much. She’s told Rocco to stay the night so he isn't driving home too late, which is another clue she’s fine. There is no way that Rocco would leave her on her own for that long if she really was feeling ill.
“Noah, Rocco is here.” I had hoped Judi would tell Rocco to come to the office, but I think she knew that I might not leave if she had. I finish the bottle of beer and taking a deep breath I leave the room. I walk along the hall and look into the sitting room. There are about twelve people sitting around drinking. I don't know most of them, making me wonder exactly what role they all have in my wedding. Rocco is behind the bar in the dining room making himself a Scotch, apparently he knows what kind of night it’s going to be as well.
“Good evening, big brother. I see you’ve been enjoying the festivities.” He smirks at me before taking a drink. I don't know why I thought inviting him would be a good idea. I haven't spoken to him properly since I was at his garage, knowing that if we did speak there was a chance that I would spill everything that had happened between Madison and me.
“Shut up and make me a drink.” He pours me a Scotch and passes me the glass, I take a large drink, the liquid burning on the way down. I'm hoping a few more of these and I won't care who is here drinking my alcohol and eating my food.
“So is there anyone here I should know, since they’re part of the wedding party?” I take a minute looking around the sitting area, taking everyone in properly. There are a few people who look familiar but without Judi next to
me I wouldn't be able to name them if I was given fifty chances. I point at the couple that is sitting closest to us.
“Well that over there is Betsy and Norman. They’re an amazing couple and they will be holding Judi’s eighteen-foot train. That guy over there is Norman Two, he will be holding the hands of the trained monkey that will lead the mother of the bride down the aisle. Him, that’s Norman Three. He’s married to Fifi, they will be throwing the wedding cake at all the guests.” I think the four beers in my office have hit me harder than I thought. I look over to Rocco and he’s trying to hold in a laugh but his eyes are wide, looking behind me. I turn around and see Judi standing behind me. Shit.
“Noah, it’s bad enough that you don't want to do anything to help, but to talk about our friends like that. Why would you do that?” I just keep looking at her, not wanting to start an argument. The last thing I need is the guilt trip that would come from ruining her party.
“I'm just having some fun with my brother. I didn't mean anything by it, you know I didn't.” Judi doesn't look convinced but she doesn't want to make a scene. She needs to give the perception of the happy couple. She smiles at me but her eyes remain cold.
“Dinner is served. Both of you to the table now.” She doesn't even glance at Rocco as she speaks, but this isn't unusual. She has never really thought much of him, even though he owns his own company it isn't enough for her, he just doesn't make enough money to make him interesting. She turns and leaves me standing there while she tries to round everyone up to usher them into the dining room. Rocco walks up and puts his hand on my shoulder.
“Yeah, thanks for the invite, Noah. This is gonna be such a fun night.”
It’s been three courses from hell. It’s dragged out longer than any meal should, the conversation has been … well actually I don't know. The Scotch is going down too well, giving me a welcome numb feeling. Add onto that Rocco being here to distract me so the night hasn't made me want to jump off a bridge yet.