by T A. McKay
“Noah?” I look over at Judi and she’s watching me.
“What?” I notice the whole table looking at me. I'm at a loss at what's happening, I look to Rocco but he’s laughing so hard that he won't be any help.
“What?” I look back to Judi, hoping she might repeat what she said. I need someone to let me in on what's happening here, hopefully before the look Judi is giving me turns me to stone.
“Peter asked you if you're looking forward to the wedding. I think he would like an answer.” So now I have two problems. One is I don't know who Peter is and the second is to come up with a believable lie. Rocco kicks me under the table and motions with eyes to a guy at the end of the table. I turn to him, getting ready to answer his question. I work hard to focus, the Scotch getting the better of me.
“Well, Peter, of course I'm looking forward to it. I think I’ll be as shocked as everyone else when I turn up and see everything.” I lean closer to him and pretend I'm whispering to him.
“I have no idea what’s happening. Every time I tell her I like something she poo poos it and makes up her own mind. So I'm excited to see what my money is paying for.”
“Noah!” I can barely hear her shout over Rocco’s laughter, I feel like I'm missing something again. I turn to look at her, and she isn’t even trying to hide the anger on her face.
“Can I talk to you in the other room please?” Well shit, this can't be good. She pushes her chair back from the table causing it to scrape on the floor, before storming out of the room. I stand from the table, taking a little bow.
“Ladies and gentlemen. If you would excuse me for just a moment, my lovely fiancé would like to have a minute of my time. Please talk amongst yourselves.” I salute them as I leave the table, staggering slightly before I managed to reach the next room.
Stepping through the door I see Judi with her arms crossed over her chest, looking out the window. This isn't going to go well, I can almost feel the anger vibrating off her. She turns and glares at me.
“What the hell is wrong with you? You’re acting like an idiot in there!” I try to stand in one place but I fail, staggering until I make it over to my desk and perch on the edge.
“I’ve no idea what you’re on about, Peter asked me how I was feeling and I told him.” She glares at me, and I honestly think if looks could kill I would be dead on the floor.
“The only problem, Noah, that wasn't Peter you were answering. Michael must think you’re an idiot now. Do us both a favour and stay in here the rest of the night. I will make your excuses to everyone. Tell them … I don't know. You're ill?” With a final sigh she storms out of the office, slamming the door behind her. Shrugging my shoulders I get up from the desk and walk over to my cabinet and pouring myself another Scotch. The less I remember about this night the better. I knew it was a mistake from the minute she had suggested it, even telling her I didn't want to do it, but as always she got her own way.
“You my brother, are a fucking legend.” I turn and see Rocco closing the door behind him. I grab another glass and fill it for him.
“I hate you right now, Rocco.” I leave his drink on the cabinet and walk over to the couch, dropping down onto the seat. He laughs and walks over to grab the glass, following me to the couch.
“Like you wouldn't have done the same. You were completely clueless in there.” I smile before taking a mouthful of alcohol. He’s right, if I’d seen him struggling like that I would have thrown him in at the deep end. To see him make a mess of something has always been high on my list of life’s simple enjoyments.
“You’re still an arsehole. You could have helped me out a little in there. Actually no, it worked out perfectly. Judi is out there with her people, and I'm in here with mine.” We sit in silence, just taking a minute to have a drink.
“So, are you ever gonna tell me what’s going on with you?” I look over at him, feeling more sober than I want to, especially if I'm going to have this conversation with him. He sits patiently, watching me intently. He looks in no rush, willing to wait me out to get an answer. I want to tell him but I'm not sure how to bring the subject of what happened between Madison and me up.
“I slept with Madison.” Rocco’s eyes go wide and I realise that I have just blurted that out. It wasn't exactly the subtle introduction to the subject I had wanted.
“Wow … em ... wow. Not really where I thought this was going, but I'm glad. I didn't think you would actually do anything about your feelings for her. Can I ask a question though, why are you still here with Judi, planning this wedding?” I don't know what to say, how to explain that I need to stay here and make it up to Judi. Just because he found his soul mate doesn't mean everyone does.
“I'm still here because I'm engaged to Judi. I cheated on her, Rocco. I cheated. I need to make it up to her.”
“And Madison?” A simple question, but the question that I’ve been thinking about every single day since I was with her.
“That’s the one thing I can't tell you. It doesn't matter anyway, she doesn't want anything to do with me. I told her us being together was a mistake and she told me she was done.” Rocco starts laughing like I’ve told him the funniest joke ever. I know we like to cause each other misery but now he’s just being a dick.
“I'm glad my life going to shit amuses you, jackass.” He stops laughing but the smile never leaves his face.
“For a smart guy, Noah, you really can be stupid sometimes. Of course she’s done with you. You slept with her, told her it was a mistake and then came home to Judi. What was she meant to do, confess that she’s in love with you? Which she is by the way.” What? Madison’s in love with me? I put the glass down on the table next to the couch. I need to stop drinking if I want to keep up with this conversation.
“Rocco, my life would be complete if Madison loved me as anything other than a friend. I broke her heart in high school and she will never let me in again. I wish she loved me, I really do, because I haven't stopped loving her for a minute since I was seventeen. She is everything I want, everything I need in this world, but she is also the one person I will never get. She hates me, and I don't blame her.” It hurts to speak the words, but it hurts more knowing how true they are. I don't think I will ever get the life I want to live, but I don't know if marrying Judi as my second choice is fair to either of us. I know she wants an important man on her arm, someone she can show off to her friends, but is that reason enough to marry someone I don’t love? It makes me wonder if I do put other peoples expectation’s, other peoples happiness above my own.
“Noah, you have to be able to see it. Madison loves you. Like that big time love that I feel for Makenzie. You just need to see her when she looks at you, she doesn't see anyone else when you’re there. You need to sort yourself out. I know you made a mess of things before with her, but you were a kid, we all make stupid mistakes. Tell me one thing, do you feel worse for cheating on Madison or Judi? If you could change just one of them which would it be?” I look at Rocco. I know he’s trying to help, and his words make my heart feel like it’s going to beat out of my chest, things aren’t that easy.
“Only one? That’s an easy answer, Rocco, but it doesn't mean it’s right.” I’m avoiding the question, and by the look on Rocco’s face he knows what I’m trying to do.
“Answer the question, Noah. For once in your life be honest about your feelings.” I grab my glass, emptying the contents before answering.
“Fine. If I could go back I wouldn't cheat on Madison. Is that what you wanted to hear, does that make you happy? It changes nothing, Rocco. I still lost the only fucking woman I have ever loved. Nothing will bring her back to me, I made sure of that. Fuck! I have no idea what I'm doing anymore.” I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. I swear I’m fucking my life up, how do people make it look so easy? Rocco is two years younger than me and he has it all sorted. He’s in love with an amazing woman and they are getting married, he has a job he loves and friends who have his
back, I have nothing. I can't be with the woman I love and I'm marrying a woman I'm not even sure I like. The job that I used to love is slowly killing me, it was always the one thing that got me up in the morning, now it’s a struggle to walk into my office.
I feel Rocco’s hand on my shoulder and he moves in closer to my side. A few years ago this situation was reversed, I was the one with everything worked out and was desperate for Rocco to get his life back.
“Only you can decide what to do. You're the only one that knows what makes you happy, but I have a suspicion this isn't it, Noah. Why are you living a life you hate? Come home. We’re all here for you, whatever you need you will get it there. I’m losing the brother I’ve always known, the one who was the strongest, most confident guy I knew. Now all I see is a broken guy who is trying to keep everyone happy. But are you happy, Noah?” I feel tears on my cheeks and they surprise me. It’s been a long time since I let anyone see any emotion from me, but now I can't hold it in. I let the tears continue to fall as I look at Rocco and let him see my true pain.
“Happy? Rocco, this life is fucking killing me. But what can I do?” He answers with two simple words, words that will echo through my head for weeks.
“Come home.”
Chapter Ten
Noah
I'm meant to be listening to the guy on the other end of the phone, but I just can't concentrate. I'm sitting at my desk at work on a very important work call, trying to secure an account which could make me millions over the next few years, but all I can think about is Madison. She’s been the only thing I can focus on for the last few weeks. After talking to Rocco I decided it was time to really think about what I want, what is important in my life, but it’s harder to do than I thought.
I started making a list of things I want, and the whole list was pretty much centred around Madison but it still doesn't help me with what I should do. I know in my head it’s easier to break an engagement than a marriage, but I don't want to have to be the one to do it. I keep hoping that if I’m a dick then Judi will leave, refuse to put up with me and move on but I know she won’t.
“Noah?” Shit. I forgot I was talking to Mr Craig and now I'm completely lost with the conversation.
“Sorry, I missed that, Mr Craig. Could you repeat what you said?”
“Is everything alright, Noah? You haven't been yourself the past few days, should I worry about how you're doing with this deal?” Oh god, this can't be happening. I need to up my game if I want to land this account. There are a lot of guys hoping to steal it from me and I'm handing it to them on a platter.
“No, everything is fine. I just can't keep my head out of the contract, that’s all. Everything is just about ready to sign, you know I won't let you down.” He makes a noncommittal grunt before hanging up on me. I replace the receiver and sit back in my chair, turning it so I'm looking out over London. I remember when my view used to make me smile, when looking out over the tall buildings and other businesses made my mood brighten. The clean, modern look showing how far I had come, how well I had done for myself. Now I just think it all looks cold, dark and depressing, all I can think about it what I'm missing here compared to back home. I find it funny that, even after all this time, I don’t consider London home and I don’t think I ever will.
I'm caught up in my head again, so I don't hear my office door open.
“Good to see you hard at work, Noah.” I start a little when the deep voice booms from behind me. I turn in my chair and see Mr Tate standing just inside my office. I stand quickly, brushing the non-existent creases out of my suit trousers. Mr Tate owns the company I work for, he’s a nice guy but he doesn't tolerate less than a hundred percent from everyone.
“Good afternoon, Mr Tate. Sorry, I didn't hear you come in.” He walks further into office and I can't get a read on his mood. I’m one of the company’s up and coming youngsters, having made them a lot of money since I started here but I know that I'm not untouchable. I wish I’d already sealed the deal with Mr Craig, if I hadn't had my head up my arse the over the last couple of days it would have been done and dusted.
“That seems to be a common problem for you just now, Noah. I’ve just got of the phone with Mr Craig and he seems to have concerns with your performance. I told him he must be wrong, but now I’m thinking that maybe he was right.” I don't know what to say. I can't tell him I'm having problems as he won't like that I'm bringing them to work, and if I say that Mr Craig is wrong it’s like saying he was lying and he wasn't. I have been distracted. Mr Tate turns and looks at me, still showing nothing on his face.
“He declined the contract with you.” My heart drops to my stomach. I’ve been working months to win this contract, all that hard work for nothing.
“Adam will be working with him from now on. I think maybe you should take some time off. I don't know what’s wrong with you just now, but it’s affecting your work and that’s not something I think will be helpful to either of us. Take a few weeks, sort out what’s going on in your head and give me a call.” He turns and leaves my office. I’m left standing behind my desk confused and a little in shock. I can’t believe that I lost the contract like that and that Adam won it after all my hard work. I don’t know what to do, I know the secret code of what I have just heard. I’ve been here long enough to know what’s just happened.
I’ve just been fired!
****
I'm sitting on the decking at the back of my house when Judi arrives home. I take a drink of my coffee while listening to her talk on her phone, obviously not realising I'm here. I'm never home at this time of day so she won't be expecting me. I just sit here, enjoying actually being able to sit out while it’s still daylight.
I’ve had a lot of time to think about what happened today and now I realise it might be a blessing. Maybe this is the push I need to change the things about my life I don't like, to take control and make myself happy. The biggest thing is trying to decide what that is, but I think I want to go home. London isn't for me anymore, it’s too big and I'm sick of being just another suit, of being invisible. I need to talk to Judi about it, I need to tell her I want to leave and I know that it’s going to go down like a lead balloon. She has always loved it here, her family and friends are here, she is known in her circle and she loves that. I also don't think she will be happy when she finds out I'm not going to fight to get my job back. There’s nothing there that I want to fight for, I’m more than happy to leave. I was shocked when it happened, but now I’ve thought about it, it saves me leaving.
“Yes, I'm so excited for tomorrow, my dress is amazing. Noah’s tuxedo makes him look amazing, I’m going to show him off to everyone.” She giggles at whoever she’s talking to on the phone and I hear her footsteps on the stairs up to our bedroom. I release the breath I didn't know I was holding, enjoying the extra time on my own. It gives me a few more minutes to try and work out what to say to her when she returns.
I totally forgot about the award ceremony tomorrow night, the last thing I want to do is go to some stupid dinner where everyone will be talking big, telling each other how fucking amazing they are. I wonder if Judi will want me to go after she finds out what happened, maybe she should take Adam.
“Noah? What are you doing home at this time?” I turn my head and see Judi walking out of the doors, onto the decking. She looks confused and I don't blame her, I don't think I have been home at this time since I started that job. I use my foot to push out the chair next to me at the table.
“I think we need to talk.” The colour drains from her face. She knows this can't be good, I wonder what is going through her head.
“Noah, you're scaring me. Please tell me what’s wrong.” I put my cup down on the table and turn to face her square on.
“I was fired today.” I actually think this news drains even more colour from her face. She would never have imagined this, she thought I was untouchable in the company.
“What do you mean you got fired?” I'm actually surprised sh
e hasn't found out already, I'm sure the gossip mill is working overtime with this news.
“I mean I got fired, I lost my job. I no longer work for Tate, Callum and Rose.” She reaches out and takes my hand, a rare show of support from her.
“Don’t be silly, they would never fire you. You’re one of their best.” She just isn't getting it, she isn't listening to what I'm actually telling her.
“I lost a big account, Judi. It went to someone else, so Mr Tate fired me.” She squeezes my hand.
“It’s okay, I will get Daddy to have a word with him. He will get you your job back and everything will be good again.” She smiles like she has just solved all the problems in the world. I remove my hand from under hers, sitting back in the chair trying to get a little space from her.
“The only problem with that is I don't want the job back.” Once again she looks confused, like I'm speaking a foreign language that she cant quite understand. When did our dreams and goals become so different? When did it all become about the money and prestige? Maybe it’s always been this way, but now I want more from my life.
“What do you mean you don't want the job back? You need that job, Noah. What are you planning on doing if not that, are you going to another company?” Now comes the bit she’s really going to hate.
“I think I want to change careers, find something I love to do.” She laughs at me, and no, not a happy, supportive laugh.
“Why would you change careers, you love this job? I don't understand, Noah.”
“I need a change Judi, I need a break from it all. It’s so stressful, do you know I thought I was having a heart attack a few months ago? Ambulance and everything, and that’s not what I want from life, to work myself into an early grave.” She makes a dismissive noise, making it sound like I was making a drama out of nothing.