by T. K. Chapin
Chapter 23
KYLIE HAD FORGOTTEN TO FOLD the clean clothes in the dryer, so the next morning, she phoned Jonathan to make sure it was okay if she went back over to his house and let herself in. He was fine with it.
Once inside, she felt an eerie feeling settle over her. His house was quiet, each room full of only silence. There was no Rose, no Jonathan, and no television on. It carried a coldness she hadn’t felt before, and she couldn’t help but think of how things must’ve been before Rose had entered his life. He must’ve been lonely.
Hurrying to the laundry room, she pulled out the clothes from the dryer and took them into the living room to fold. After she was finished, she took the pile for Jonathan into his bedroom. As she walked in, she tried to keep her eyes straight ahead. It was his bedroom, after all. A private place. Setting the pile of shirts down on the bed, the pile toppled over, sending one over the edge of the bed and onto the floor. When she reached over to pick it up, she saw the corner of a notebook sticking out from underneath the mattress. What’s this?
Her heart pounded as an open forum of debate launched in her head. She succumbed to curiosity. There was no way of resisting the urge to know more about the man. After all, what she didn’t know was holding her back from pursuing anything with him. Carefully, and with a bad gut feeling, she lifted the mattress and pulled it out. She opened it.
Sketches, lots of them, filled each page. A furnace in a dark room, swirling blackness around it, splashes of red and orange colors bursting from the fire. An uneasy sensation filled her as she turned the page. A woman crying, the tears an aqua blue, shimmering with white reflections, the woman herself only a black and white stencil. Kylie wondered who it was, then turned the page again. A woman lying in a bed with a red and black plaid blanket draped over her. Questions etched in sharp black ink circled the woman on the bed in the sketch. Why’d this happen? How is this God’s will? When will the pain stop? When will the sorrow cease? Why, God? Kylie’s eyes warmed with hot tears and her legs weakened. She sat on the edge of the bed. She couldn’t bear anymore and shut the notebook. She knew more than ever that she shouldn’t have looked. That had to be his wife. She wiped the burning tears from her cheeks and put the notebook back where she had found it.
Leaving his bedroom, she closed the door quietly. Her heart ached in a new way for Jonathan. She knew previously that his wife had passed from cancer, but she didn’t know the details. Judging by the sketch, it was slowly. Kylie’s affection for Jonathan grew to a new depth. Her heart was breaking for him. She couldn’t shake imagining how he had sat by his dying wife’s side day after day, knowing the love of his life would soon slip into eternity forever. The pain that must’ve caused was unfathomable. Would my faith, too, end under the circumstance? She hoped not.
After putting away all the laundry, she returned the empty basket to the laundry room. As she exited his house, she stopped and held onto the door frame. Then, she prayed for Jonathan. Lord, I know you understand him a lot more than I do. Can you please help his aching heart? His troubled mind? There’s a connection I feel between the loss of his wife and the loss of his faith that only You can see and truly understand. You judge the heart of men, not the surface I see. I don’t need him to get fixed for me, Lord. He needs to get fixed for himself. Lord, if it is Your will, let it be done.
#
Walking the beach, Jonathan looked out at the crashing waves as they lapped the shoreline that early morning after the sun had risen. Seagulls flew overhead, squawking at one another like an old married couple who bickered all the time. Everything at the beach was in movement. The waves, the birds, the clouds, and even a lone man out walking his dog in the wet part of the sand.
Jonathan came to a stop and stood still. As he did, loneliness invaded him. He didn’t have Rose with him to keep his mind distracted now, and he didn’t have his work to do it either. Worst of all, he didn’t have Kylie. There was just him and his thoughts now. He didn’t reveal it to Kylie, but seeing the ocean always reminded him of God. Every time he visited, he always re-imagined the creation account in the Bible. He’d watch in his mind how God had separated the land from the water. He always felt that when he was on the shoreline, he was standing in an exact place God had crafted delicately with His own fingertips.
After recalling the creation account and right at that moment, Jonathan desired to pray, but part of him pushed against it, an attack of thoughts entering his mind. God doesn’t want to hear from a guy like me. He’s got a lot more going on than a sad, sappy little ingrate who lost his wife. He started walking again down the shoreline. A small whisper nudged his spirit, drawing him to prayer.
The man who had been walking his dog was far gone down the beach now. He had disappeared in the horizon. Jonathan glanced around to make sure nobody had arrived on the scene. Then, he let out a desperate scream as he focused his thoughts on God and all the resentment he had built up in himself for over five years. Peering up at the sky, his eyes glistened as he let the pain from his soul exit through his lips.
“You took her from me, God! I wasn’t ready and You just took her!” The walls in his heart cracked with hairline fractures. “We had a plan, God.” He wept as his heart weakened. “Oh, did we ever have a plan. Then, You made it so I can’t have kids! Then You killed her! What did I ever do to deserve all this? Huh? People spit at the mention of Your name and don’t believe in You and live prosperous and wonderfully blessed lives. Yet we, who love You dearly, are killed without reason or cause! Why?”
The walls in Jonathan’s heart shattered and he fell to his knees. Raking his hair back with a hand, his fingers touched the necklace on the back of his neck as he continued to weep. Furious, he grabbed hold of that necklace and ripped it off, breaking the clasp in the process. Cocking his arm back to throw it into the ocean, he stopped and fell face first into the sand, squeezing the double-stranded gold necklace. His cheek against the cold wet sand, he sobbed. He couldn’t let go of the necklace. He couldn’t let go of Marie.
Minutes passed before he picked himself up from the sand. He felt oddly better after his tantrum. Traveling down the beach, he made it back to his car. Sitting in the car on the beach, he thought yet again about God. Then he prayed again. God, I don’t know how to talk to You the way I used to, without so much anger. But I’d like to start again, if it’s possible. We used to be close, You and I. His eyes glanced at a couple with their child walking down the beach and his eyes instantly welled with more tears as his heart ached. What is wrong with me? Why am I crying so much, Lord? He took a deep breath in and let it out, attempting to relax all the muscles in his body. I can’t be the dad I need to be for Rose without You. I know that. Please help me not feel anything for Kylie anymore if it’s in Your will. Help me focus on what’s important, You. Do a work in me, Lord, because I know I can’t do it with my own strength.
After a tear-filled and long-winded prayer, Jonathan drove down the beach to the location where his client planned to build the house that Jonathan would be designing. Getting out of the car with his sketch pad and pencil, he shut the car door and looked across the rocky cliff-side where the property sat above the sand. He let his mind’s eye begin to build shapes and objects and windows and doors. Sketching as each one formed clearly in his mind, he turned and took into account the ocean view. It would be a perfect and breathtaking ocean view across the upper-level balcony and through the numerous windows pointing out to the ocean. His turmoil and pain from earlier ceased to exist as he continued sketching.
Chapter 24
KYLIE DID NOT ENJOY A moment that Saturday on Lake Coeur d'Alene. She felt terrible for what she did by looking at those sketches of Jonathan’s. The one good thing it did wasn’t even good in itself. Now she knew him on a deeper and more intimate level, but she had invaded his privacy. She had no clue she would feel so conflicted from the sketches. She had merely hoped to have more insight into the man. Now, though, she carried a sadness within her that didn’t belong to he
r but to Jonathan. When Cory stopped the boat at about two o’clock that afternoon for lunch, he handed Kylie a bottle of water and part of the sub sandwich he had packed in the cooler for the two of them.
“You seem quiet today.” He undid the cap on his bottle of water and took a long drink. “Which is a bit different for you. I’m having fun, but you? Not so much.”
She set the bottle of water down beside her on the seat and shrugged. She couldn’t explain things to Cory. She knew he’d become suspicious and concerned to know she was going through her boss’s things. Nobody would truly be able to understand what she did, not even herself. “I’m just a bit off. Sorry.”
He touched his chest. “I didn’t do anything wrong, did I?”
Raising a hand, she tipped a smile. “Of course not, Cory. I’m just a little distracted at the moment. Hey, are we still going to the rope swing you told me about?” She hoped a change of topic would help redirect him away from investigating into how she was feeling. Cory was a good guy and wouldn’t let it go easily if the talking continued on the current path.
He took a bite of his sandwich as he confirmed the rope-swing visit with a nod. Finishing his bite, he wiped his mouth of the extra mayo that had seeped out and onto his cheek. “I planned to head there next, actually.” Studying their surroundings, he then glanced at Peter. “This sun is warm, the water is cool, and the scenery is gorgeous. This life has so much goodness in it that God gives us.”
Kylie’s heart warmed at the mention of her Savior. God’s mention dislodged her sadness. She took in a deep breath as her gaze wandered all around, looking at the trees, mountains, birds, and other people zipping by on boats. “You’re right. There’s nothing like enjoying the beauty that exists in nature and life.”
She did better the rest of the day as they went to the rope swing and then drove more around the lake. She was able to put the situation with Jonathan into the back of her thoughts and not let it ruin the time with her son and Cory. After they loaded the boat back onto the trailer that evening, they pulled it up to the gate to leave. Kylie thought about her and Cory’s future, more specifically the fact that she didn’t want one with him. It was the third time trying and it was time to cut ties. It bothered her to end things with such a wonderful guy, but she knew it was better to end things now and not later.
As Cory pulled the truck and boat up to the sidewalk in front of Grandma Faith’s house, Kylie turned to him. “We need to talk.”
He smiled and nodded, as if he already knew what it was in regard to. He raised a hand. “Before you start, I want to say thank you. These three dates with you have been a real eye opener.”
“Don’t be sweet right now. Please?”
He shook his head. “No, you’re misunderstanding me. I know we don’t have the physical chemistry, but you’ve taught me a great deal in our time together, Kylie.”
“Really? What could you have learned from me?”
“I learned what I’m looking for. I used to think I wouldn’t be okay dating someone with a kid, but I’m okay with that now. I also thought a deep relationship with God wasn’t important, but I understand now that it really is important.”
Kylie’s mouth opened as she smiled. “I’m glad it was helpful and not completely useless. And I agree, God has to be a priority.”
She thanked him again for the trip to Coeur d'Alene and for being who he was. She wished him well and he pulled away from the curb. As she walked toward her front door, she peered down the direction of Jonathan’s driveway for a moment. Give me patience, Lord, and allow me to lean only on Your guidance and will in my life. I don’t want to mess things up like I always have in the past.
#
The hotel Jonathan was staying at in Ocean Shores had a restaurant attached to it in the lobby. His server set down his glass of ice water and pulled out her note pad and pen. She took down his order of a burger and fries. As she walked away, he remembered meeting Kylie at Ethan’s for the first time, her surprised and almost fearful look when he offered her the job. Jonathan let out a gentle laugh as he lifted his glass and took a drink of his water. His phone rang.
It was Tyler calling him back twenty minutes after he had tried to call and see how Rose was doing.
“Just got her down. You know I had to remove basically everything off my shelves in the living room, brother?”
He laughed. “I offered you my place, but you insisted she come to yours.”
“I know . . . but Rose wanted to pull out the books, the DVDs, the collectible baseball. Everything that wasn’t her toys. I’m pretty confident she’s part monster. You didn’t tell me that.”
They both laughed. Glancing at a family sitting in a booth, Jonathan smiled. “She’s just a child. Everything is going to be all right. I promise.”
He let out a sigh. “I know, I know. How’d it go today at Rim Rock?”
“Good. I have about five solid sketches worked out. They’re techy and modern and really stylish. I think he’ll like it.”
“That’s fantastic. Safe travels on your way back.”
Hanging up with Tyler, Jonathan paused and laughed again as he thought about Rose giving his brother grief. When the server came back over with his food, he decided to pray over it.
Chapter 25
ON MONDAY MORNING, KYLIE LET herself in through the front door. Jonathan’s suitcase was in the hallway near the laundry room. Picking it up, she took it with her into the laundry room and emptied the contents into the washer. Seeing some sand on a shirt, she thought of him on the beach alone, walking and his shoulders sagging. Her eyes welled with tears at the sad scene painted in her mind. What is wrong with me? Why do I care so much?
“Hey.” Jonathan’s voice startled her from the doorway of the laundry room. She quickly threw the shirt into the washer and shut the lid. Turning toward him, she perked up and tried to hide the ache she felt for the man. He proceeded into the room and up to her. His hand came up, gently touching the skin of her arm.
She melted at his touch.
“Are you okay? You seem upset, Kylie.”
She wanted to tell him the truth, but fear restrained her lips. She shrugged a shoulder and turned slightly. His hand fell away from her. “I’ll be all right.”
“Everything okay with your grandma?”
Her heart fluttered at the mention of her grandma. She had only mentioned her once to him. “Yes, she’s fine for now.” Maybe it’s okay if I tell him, she thought for a moment. “There is something I want to tell you. To talk about.”
“Okay, good.” He opened his arms. “What is it?”
She hesitated about telling what she saw and instead opened up about her own painful past. “I was married before and my husband abused me badly. I questioned God too about what was happening to me. I was angry.”
Jonathan’s eyebrows lifted, suspicion resting in his expression. “I’m sorry that happened to you, but why are you telling me this right now?”
Her lips trembled and worry soared to the surface of her heart. “You know how I came over the other morning to finish that laundry?”
He nodded.
“Well, I was putting your shirts on your bed and one fell. I saw the corner of something sticking out from your mattress and I . . .”
He must’ve realized what it was. He crossed his arms and lowered his head and narrowed his eyes. “You what? Pushed it back under and left it alone. Right?”
Her lips trembled as she sensed his rising anger. Jonathan suddenly turned and left the laundry room. Kylie’s heart pounded, and she hurried after him down the hall, pleading for him to stop and talk to her. He did stop, then he turned to her.
“You had no right, Kylie.”
“I know, and I’m sorry!” She grabbed hold of his hands as hot tears streamed down her cheeks. “But I did, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about what I saw. I saw a part of you that I haven’t seen, and I can’t stop thinking about it or stop myself from thinking about you.”
&n
bsp; He pulled his hands away sharply. “That was personal. It was private.”
Their exchange of words was loud enough that it pulled Rose from her sleep and brought her into the hallway behind them. Silence thrust itself between the two of them as they both turned to Rose and softened their expressions. Kylie’s heart was still pounding, but she leapt into action to care for Rose. Approaching her, she bent down on a knee and accepted Rose’s request for a hug.
Jonathan stood a few feet from her, and she could feel his eyes burning against the back of her head. Rising to her feet with Rose, she looked at Jonathan as she passed him, carrying Rose to the kitchen for breakfast. She poured a bowl of Fruit Loops for Rose, going slowly on purpose in the hope of Jonathan cooling off. After getting Rose breakfast, they left her in the kitchen to continue their conversation in the living room with lower voices.
“I can’t believe you did this, Kylie. Don’t you think I would’ve showed you those sketches if I wanted you to see them? After all we’ve talked about and shared?”
“I understand.” Her voice was weak, faint. After a few moments of silence, she lifted her gaze to Jonathan. “So, now what? I’m fired?”
His lips pressed together tightly to form a thin line. Touching his brow as he glanced toward the kitchen where Rose was, he let out a sigh. “No. You’re not fired, but you need to respect my privacy. I think you crossed the line and you know it.”
“Okay. That’s reasonable. I take full responsibility for my bad decision, and I’m sorry.” Wiping her stray tears, she straightened up. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I know you didn’t.” He let out a sigh and opened his arms. “I forgive you.”
“Thank you.” Crossing the distance between them, Kylie wrapped her arms around him and hugged him. “I won’t do anything like that again.”