by T. K. Chapin
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Jonathan couldn’t focus long enough to work at all on the final design concepts for the Ocean Shores home. His mind and heart kept going to Kylie, going to the fact that she had been abused, then going to the reality that she had seen something that not even his brother had seen. He was upset about it all, very much so, but in a way, it made him feel more connected to her than ever before. In his heart, he knew seeing those sketches wasn’t just seeing personal pieces of art work, but essentially, it was seeing a part of his soul. He didn’t know what to do, how to handle the situation. The best and scariest thing in the world had happened when she looked at that notebook. Someone had finally seen the real him that existed only inside his mind, and she hadn’t run. What does this mean?
Late that afternoon, he got a phone call from Tyler letting him know that Nick, the Ocean Shores client, wanted to meet at the property on the beach on the upcoming Thursday so that the three of them could go over the concepts in person.
“How’s that going to work with Rose?” Jonathan’s anxiety rose up within him.
“Um . . . I don’t know. Kylie could keep her, maybe?”
Guilt weighed on Jonathan’s heart. He had already left Rose for the weekend and had barely returned home. He didn’t want to leave his little girl again so soon. “I’ll figure something, and I’ll meet you there on Wednesday.”
Hanging up with his brother, he pondered the situation as he leaned back in his chair at the desk and rested his hands behind his head. He knew asking Kylie to go with him on the trip would be futile. He mulled it over and over in his head.
Then he sat straight up, an idea surfacing to his mind. Unless I allow Peter to come. Did he dare? Two toddlers and a woman in a small, confined space for over seven hours? Sounded about as good as a knife in the eye to Jonathan, but he didn’t have many options in the present situation if he wanted her along. She knew him more now. Maybe this time, she’d say yes to traveling. He rubbed the stubble on his chin. After the huge blowout this morning, he worried she might say no again. He tossed the idea back and forth in his mind through the afternoon. Then, at five o’clock, Kylie knocked on the door and came into the studio.
“Dinner is about done.”
“Please come in.”
She held a look of worry in her eyes and they glistened on her approach. She seemed upset. “If this is about earlier . . .”
He held a hand up. “I need a favor.”
Her expression softened. “Oh?” She approached Jonathan as he stood up. “What’s up?”
“I need to go back to Ocean Shores to meet this client on Thursday, and I was thinking.” He could see worry flash in her eyes before he was able to finish speaking. “I was thinking you, Peter, Rose, and I could all go. I honestly don’t want to leave Rose again so soon. You would really be helping me out, and I will triple your pay for this trip.”
Worry left her eyes and she tilted her head. “Really? The four of us?”
“Yes. We’d leave tomorrow though. We will take it slow, see some sights along the way so the kiddos aren’t overwhelmed, and they might actually have fun. I’m thinking we will take I-84 that runs along the south side of the state and can see the Columbia River. We stay the night in the Tri-Cities on Tuesday, then get up and drive, stay somewhere Wednesday, and then be at the meeting and on the beach Thursday night. Then start back home on Friday.”
Kylie’s eyes widened, joy flickering. He had finally done something right to make her smile. Then suddenly, she took on a concerned, more hesitant demeanor. “We can’t share a room.”
“Of course not. Just like last time I offered for you to go, separate rooms. I think we’ll have you and the kids in one room and me in one by myself.”
She laughed, which caused Jonathan to start laughing.
“I’m kidding, of course. Rose will room with me. And I’ll pay for it all, of course. It’s a business trip and necessary expenses.”
“And this is business, right?”
“Yes.” He wanted to say ‘no.’ He wanted to tell her the truth, tell her that he couldn’t stop thinking about her while he was gone over the weekend, and he wasn’t able to even stay mad about her seeing the sketches because who could be mad at her for long? Jonathan also wanted to confess to her how pleased he was that she was coming this time with him, but he didn’t tell her any of it. He didn’t tell her he loved the way she threw her head back in laughter at his jokes, and he also didn’t tell her about how he loved the way she was with Rose. He didn’t tell her how he loved the way she smiled and how her nose would crinkle slightly as her face broke into a grin. He couldn’t confess how he felt about her while at the same time remembering his time on the beach, how he couldn’t let go of that necklace, he couldn’t let go of Marie. Kylie didn’t deserve someone who was still in love with another woman. She deserved better, someone who could love her with his whole heart. He’d never deny Kylie that love by taking her for himself.
Chapter 26
KYLIE STOOD BESIDE THE COUCH at her house the next morning as she anxiously awaited Jonathan’s arrival in the driveway. Ever since he had invited her and Peter along for the trip yesterday, she’d had second thoughts about it. Sure, he had said it was strictly business, but how likely was it to stay that way? She knew he had some sort of feelings for her, and she knew if he were to make a move, she wouldn’t be able to resist him.
Jenny walked into the living room. “You’re pacing. Sit down and relax.”
“I will be doing plenty of sitting in the car. Plus, I can’t sit down. My emotions are all over the place. I don’t want to like him, Jenny, but I can’t help it.”
“Well, spending more time with him on this car trip isn’t going to help you not like him.”
Kylie’s face flushed. She knew Jenny was right. This trip would bring them side-by-side, literally. It was hard enough with Jonathan just randomly showing up in a room over at his house when he took breaks from the studio. Now, she’d be spending time with him, lots of it. They’d be not only sharing time, but meals too. These thoughts only built her anxiousness inside. Leaving the living room, she went to the one place she knew she needed to go—on her knees in prayer.
Getting down on her knees in her bedroom, she clasped her hands together and prayed. God, I’m scared. He’s a distant and cold man, just like my first husband, and he’s attractive like him too. I’m not the best at picking men out, and I’m scared of what will happen on this trip. Peter’s hand touched her arm right then, breaking her out of prayer. He lowered himself beside her and folded his hands together like her. Her heart flinched and she felt a longing for a role model for her boy. Please, Lord. If this isn’t Your will, let me know somehow.
Within minutes of finishing her prayer, the doorbell chimed. She left her room with Peter and went to answer it. As she walked past the recliner, she saw that Grandma Faith had awoken from her nap.
Answering the door, she saw it was Jonathan. Her heart pounded at seeing him. He was wearing a pair of jeans, a white button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a pair of sunglasses.
“Hi.”
“Hello.” He pushed his sunglasses on top of his head. “Where are your bags? I’ll grab them while you get the car seat in for Peter in the back. I’m not good with those things.” He crossed the threshold of the house.
“Down the hall, last room on the right.”
Jonathan stopped at the recliner and turned to Grandma Faith. “And you must be the woman who raised such a wonderful woman. Glad to finally meet you.”
“Nice to meet you.”
Jenny stood up and her gaze met Kylie’s. “You didn’t tell me he was handsome and charming.”
A blush crawled up Kylie’s neck and reddened her cheeks. “I’ll be out at the car, Jonathan.”
#
Jonathan drove the four of them south from Spokane, heading for the Tri-Cities where they’d stop for the night. Jonathan had a fondness for traveling, especially the open road. It gave him
the illusion that he had more control over his life than he truly did. The city, he felt, had a way of making him feel trapped in some sort of cage. The tall buildings were the bars, the cement and metal in them only reinforcing the cage that kept the people of the city inside. The further they drove, leaving the city behind them, the more Jonathan felt his whole being relax. His last trip was about speed and work. This trip, at least in his mind, was about connecting with Kylie.
Stopping for a bathroom break for Kylie, Jonathan listened to a portion of his audiobook, Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. When she climbed back into the car and pulled her traveling blanket onto her lap, he pulled his ear buds out and turned off the audiobook. He put the car into reverse. “Have you ever read anything by C.S. Lewis?”
“Yes. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. That was him, right?”
“He did write that. Right now, I’m listening to Mere Christianity. I’m only able to mentally process and digest small portions of the book every time I listen to it in order to mull it over and savor every bit of it. I was just listening to this portion speaking about the inner man and how we each have one. I already knew that. What I didn’t know was that each decision, great or small, that we make affects us and changes us in some way.”
“Well, yeah, our actions have consequences. Right?”
“Yes, but I’m not just speaking in regard to the negative side of things. Nor am I speaking of just the big stuff. For instance, if you give a panhandler a five-dollar bill, that’s no big deal, right? Well, it is, because it changed you by that simple thing. Sure, you might be a nice person and generous, but it still changed your inner man, or woman. Each action and decision we do changes us in some way. Sometimes, that change is small, sometimes big. Do you think God uses these decisions in our lives?”
She was quiet, then she brought her hands to her lap. “Possibly. You’re reading a book on Christianity?”
Jonathan took another look at her. “Yes. Why?”
She opened her hands and shrugged. “Well, you called this a business trip. Seems like it has fallen into a personal type of conversation now.”
A wry smile crossed his face. “I was just trying to break up some of the silence in the car.”
She raised a hand. “It’s okay. I do believe God uses the decisions we make in our lives to lead us. It’s nice to hear you’re doing some seeking of Him. Don’t let the quiet nudge go.” She didn’t say anything for a few miles down the highway. Then she turned to Jonathan. “Can I ask you something?”
“Please do.”
“What happened with Marie?”
Jonathan’s heart pounded. He shoved the painful memory down. “I can’t talk about that right now, Kylie. Plus, the kids are listening, and I don’t want them to know such pain in their lives yet.”
“Okay.” She changed the topic to the kids in the back seat, who were becoming increasingly fussy.
Chapter 27
Jonathan - Age 29
PULLING DOWN HER FAVORITE RED and black plaid wool blanket from the linen closet in the hallway, Jonathan walked back to their bedroom. His steps were slow on purpose. It hurt to see her in the condition that she was in now. The doctors said she had months, maybe a year if she was lucky. Lucky. What a bad word for a time like this. There’s no luck in it. A part of Jonathan just wanted her to pass on to glory soon so she could finally be done with the pain. The other part of him never wanted to let her go. And another part wanted to leave with her.
The door creaked on its hinges as he entered. A lone candle flickered on the dresser on the far side of the room. The walls were covered in pictures of their travels, of their exchange of wedding vows, and of the life the two of them had built together. Coming to his metal chair beside the bed, he lay the blanket across her on the bed and grabbed hold of her hand. Smoothing his thumb across the top of her hand, he sat down. Leaning toward her, he smoothed his hand over her hair, brushing the strands away that had fallen over her eyes.
“Hey, love.”
She didn’t say anything right away, and a twinge of worry crept into Jonathan’s heart that she had passed. He jumped up, the chair flinging back against the wall as he did. His heartbeat shot up through the roof.
“I’m fine.” Her words were faint, as weak as her body, and he relaxed. She coughed and started sitting up on the bed. He grabbed the chair and sat down as she sat up, her back resting against the headboard.
“I’m glad you’re here, Jonathan. I need to tell you something.”
Swallowing the lump of worry in his throat, he scooted closer to the bed, peering into Marie’s eyes as he took her hands in his. “What is it?”
“As you know, I won’t be around much longer.”
Jonathan’s eyes welled with tears immediately and he begged. “Don’t. Don’t go there. Don’t talk about it.”
She coughed and gasped for air. “Listen to me.” She took another long breath, then slipped her ring off her finger. “You’re young. You still have a lot of life to live.”
He bit his lip, trying hard to control his breaking heart inside. He didn’t want to hear any of this. He could barely stand how bad it hurt to hear his love talk as if she wasn’t on this earth anymore.
“You will find another who will love you, Jonathan, and you will love her. True love would never force you to stay single and miserable after I’m gone.” Grabbing Jonathan’s hand, she forced it open and then closed it with the ring inside his hand. “You will know when you’ve found her.” His heart broke knowing he’d never have his future with Marie like they had dreamed.
Jonathan and Marie held onto each other that evening and wept. The following night, she fell asleep and never awoke.
#
It was raining the day of Marie’s funeral. After the services, they had a wake at Jonathan and Marie’s house on Practor Street in Spokane. People he knew and some he didn’t stood around in his house and spoke in low voices as he stared out the large window overlooking the front yard where they had envisioned their children would play someday.
“Hey, brother.” Tyler’s voice was somber, his hand warm as it touched the back of Jonathan’s blazer. “I just want you to know if there’s anything at all I can do for you, I’m here.”
The same old lines said when someone dies were even coming from his brother. Jonathan was nauseated by the whole process of death, and that feeling had little to do with the actual death. It was the family and friends he thought he had known as Marie’s friends too. These people tiptoed around the subject and avoided talking about her as if she was some sort of annoyance or plague. He wanted to talk about her with all his being. Getting up in front of the church and speaking about Marie for forty-five minutes might’ve been difficult for him, but it was the best part of the whole service. A part of him felt that when people were speaking about Marie, it somehow kept her alive just a little bit longer.
Marie’s father, Pastor Gillshock, stopped Jonathan in the hallway. His eyebrows low, his voice lower, he grabbed his arm. “This is your fault. All of it. Your sins with my daughter killed her, and I’ll never forgive you for what you did, boy. You make me sick.”
Numb, Jonathan excused himself from his presence and pretended to use the restroom. Once inside, he locked the door and looked into the mirror. Trying to get ahold of his emotions, he breathed in deeply and told himself everything was okay. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he caught sight of an old faded handwritten note in permanent marker from Marie. It was in the corner of the mirror.
He lost it. Cocking back his fist, he launched it into the mirror, shattering it into pieces. Blood dripped from his knuckles. He grabbed hold of the sink and yanked on it, trying to uproot it from the floor. Unable to budge it, he pulled harder. His hands slipped and he tripped over the side of the tub and smashed his head into the wall. Then, the shower rod and curtain tumbled down, hitting him. Jonathan could hear the faint sound of Tyler outside the bathroom door, but he ignored his voice. His eyes burning with hot tears, h
e glared at the ceiling and cried out to God as he lay in the tub. “You took her from me! You took her!” Wailing, he covered his face and a deep sadness wrestled its way into his heart, making its home within him.
Chapter 28
THEY STOPPED IN KENNEWICK, THE major city of the three cities that made up the Tri-Cities. After getting checked in at their hotel, they went across the street to McDonald’s to let the kids play on the toys and eat a cheap lunch. As they sat in the play area, Kylie couldn’t help but think of how Jonathan was resistant to sharing more about his wife. Why can’t he talk about it with me? She wondered.
“Wow. Peter is pretty brave going down that slide face first.” Jonathan picked up his ice water and took a sip before putting it back down. Every few minutes, the children would appear down the slide or show up in a see-through part of the tubes and wave down to the two of them as they sat in a booth.
“He really is brave. He is all boy.” Kylie’s eyes lingered on Jonathan as he smiled, watching Peter scurry from the slide over to the tube entrance. She wanted to crack into that mind, shake out all the locked secrets, and then comfort him.
“There’s an indoor swimming pool and hot tub at the hotel.” Jonathan looked over at her, tapping the table as he smiled. “I’m looking forward to a nice soak. My neck is wrecked.”
Laughing, she turned to the playland. “You don’t think they’ll be tuckered out after this?”
He smiled. “They’ll sleep well with a nice swim on top of playing here.”
#
Electing for a plain purple one-piece, Kylie had attempted to stay as modest as possible in her selection of a swimsuit when she packed for the trip. After getting her and Peter changed in their hotel room, she joined Jonathan and Rose down at the pool. Entering the double doors into the swimming area, she walked with Peter on her hip around the corner to the pool and hot tub. Jonathan was already soaking in the hot tub, and he lifted his gaze to meet hers as she approached. Rose was sitting on the upper step that led into the hot tub. Her heart pounded seeing Jonathan’s hair wet and slicked back, his pecks out of the water, glistening. Sitting more upright as she came to the edge, he smiled.