Boundaries

by Jessica Aiken-Hall

  With all the excitement from the day, the time had flown by. I was working on another ten-hour day. I promised Gabriel I would be home early tonight; I hoped he would forgive me. I am not sure he misses me as much as I miss him, but I hate to break promises.

  By the time I made it home, Gabriel was waiting for me by the door. I could hear him yowling as my key pushed into the lock. He was the one thing I could depend on. After a hard day, he always gave me love and listened to the events from the day. Well, after he had his dinner. He was pretty easy to satisfy, unlike the other people in my life. All he wanted was a can of Fancy Feast, and endless hours of getting his shiny, black fur stroked. I don't know what I would do without him.

  The sight of Carmen in her bed, in her mother's arms, made me miss my own mom. We hadn't spoken in years. I don't even know where she lives or if she is still alive. Some things can never be forgiven, but I still longed to have a mother at times. There was no way I would ever be able to trust her again. The few nostalgic moments that came every so often were not worth the trouble of getting hurt again.

  I pushed the thought of my mom and Carmen out of my head as I made myself a cup of noodles. Gabriel ate better than I did, but I was too exhausted from the day to think about cooking. I hadn’t eaten a real meal in ages. Life was just too hectic, remembering to eat was not on my list of priorities.

  "Gabe, how was your day?" He jumped up on my lap as I turned on the TV. His yowling had mellowed into heavy purring. "A rough life you have here." I scratched behind his ears as he nuzzled his head against mine. "I know, I know, I missed you, too. I need to find a job with fewer hours, less responsibility and more pay. Today was one of those days I wished we could trade places. You go to work for me, and I lounge around all day, licking myself."

  Gabriel curled himself into a ball on my lap as I flipped through the channels. I needed to find some mindless show to watch, so I could unwind enough to get some rest. Sleep was so hard to catch lately; I knew it was going to be next to impossible to clear my head enough to sleep tonight.

  “You’ll never guess what Jeanine wants me to do now.” I ignored his snoring and continued. “She wants me to start a support group.” I giggled. "Yeah, I know how ridiculous it sounds. I hate people. Maybe if it was a support group for cats." I snorted and woke Gabriel up from his nap. "Sorry, buddy." Scratching his head, I continued to vent. "I just don't know how I’m going to pull this off. An hour a week, with a group of people.” As the words left my mouth, I realized how small a task it really was. It was just an hour a week. One hour. Why was I letting an hour destroy me like this? I could do this. And, now with Carmen, I had even more reasons to. If I could help one girl, it would be worth my time and the anxiety it caused.

  "Thanks for the talk Gabe, I can always count on you to set me straight." I stretched out on the couch while I felt Gabe's chest rise and fall against mine. I closed my eyes as I listened to a rerun of Law and Order in the background.

  The cries from a baby filled the room. I looked everywhere, but I couldn’t find him. I picked up the soft, blue blanket from the stark white bed, but he wasn’t under it. I checked the crib, but there was no trace of him. I followed the cries, looking in each room, but they were all dark and vacant. I ran down each hallway searching for him. The cries became louder, echoing off the walls, but still, I couldn’t find him. No one was there to help me look. I was the only one there, and I couldn’t find him. I couldn’t save him. I was his only hope. The feeling of emptiness crushed me as I gasped for air.

  Gabriel's cries pulled me out of the dream and back into reality. My heart raced and my eyes stung. I reached for my necklace, half of a heart —a broken heart, to make sure it was still there. It was. Life was just as it always was. This wasn’t the first time this dream had woken me up, and I knew it wouldn't be the last.

  Chapter Four

  Today’s the day for the first trauma support group. I never came up with a clever name, partly because I didn’t want to entice people to come. I did make Jeanine give me some money to buy snacks for the group. She tried to force hospital food on me, but I refused. I think she knew she pushed me to my limit.

  While I was at the store, I picked up a box of soft tissues, not the kind the hospital buys in bulk that rips the skin right off your nose, but the kind with the pretty, flowery box with lotion on them. If I was going to sit with a group of people and talk about trauma, I wanted to make it as comfortable as possible. For me and them.

  I loaded the belt at the register with the bags of assorted chocolates, boxes of brownies, pre-sliced sharp cheddar cheese, crackers, a bag of baby carrots, and the tissues when the headline of The Village News caught my attention, “Death of Local Woman Deemed Suicide.”

  I felt my face flush as my body began to tremble. I couldn't read any more of the article or even look at the picture of the beautiful young woman smiling back at me. That feeling of revenge returned and filled every part of my body. I tossed a copy of the paper onto the belt, face down, so I didn’t have to look at Carmen just yet. I needed to get her out of my head in time for the group today.

  Something in me told me that Carmen hadn’t killed herself. I knew this was another situation where the local police department couldn’t put the needed hours into the case, so the easiest route was taken. Overworked and underpaid police let Carmen’s case be closed, without any concern as to what really happened to her. I had seen this happen before, and it was infuriating to even think about. I totally get being overworked and underpaid, but when you work with people, for people, sometimes that just has to go out the window in order to do the right thing. I like the police officers in Lawrenceville; they are good people. That's why it was so hard to see cases like this happen. I had to believe they did what they felt was right. How could they live with themselves if they didn't?

  After I paid for the items, I carried the paper bag out to my tan Toyota Corolla, tossed them on the front seat and headed for the hospital. The group was still a few hours away, so I brought the paper back to my office, folded it in half and put it in the bottom drawer of my desk so I could read it later. I didn’t want my mind in a bad space before the group.

  I went to the conference room where the group was going to be and placed a few chairs around in a circle. I rearranged the chairs a few times, trying to get the feel right. I didn’t know what feel I was looking for, but I wanted the room to look inviting. I didn’t have a lot to work with. The hospital was in desperate need of remodeling, but there was never any money for that. It looked like the original paint from 1950 was still on the walls, and the carpet was so stained, I wasn’t sure what color it was supposed to be.

  A stale, musty odor hung in the air of the conference room. It wasn't overpowering but was strong enough to stay on your clothes long after you left. I found some cinnamon air freshener on the table in the corner of the room. I know there are regulations about using this type of thing, but I gave it a few sprays and placed it back where I found it. The cinnamon helped but was unable to make the room smell welcoming.

  I placed the flowery box of tissues on top of one of the cloth-covered blue chairs. I took a step back to see how it looked. I still wasn’t satisfied with the setup, but it would have to do. I put the snacks out on some paper plates, took a couple of Hersey kisses with me, and went back to my office to wait for the group to start. I had plenty of work to do.

  The red light on my phone flashed, alerting me there was a message waiting. I used the phone a lot in my job, but I dreaded the unknown. A red light could mean more work for me, leaving me even further behind. I knew one thing; it would never be a personal call. Gabriel hadn’t yet mastered how to pick up the phone.

  I dialed my passcode into the phone and waited for the message to play. It was Jane. She did not leave any details, only her name and phone number. What could she possibly want? We hadn’t talked since the day Carmen died. The urge to vomit came over me as I hung up the phone. This is not what I had planned today. Of all
days. I needed today to be low-key, stress-free.

  I am not sure why I was getting myself so worked up. I didn’t even know what she wanted. Maybe it was as simple as getting Carmen’s death certificate. As the thoughts of what it could be filled my head, I calmed down a bit. Deciding if I should call her before or after the group was what was weighing on me now. I wanted to know what she wanted, but I didn’t want to get into something deep. I wanted to be my best self before the group. I wasn’t sure which would help me achieve that.

  I picked up the black phone and started to dial the number Jane left in the message. Before I hit the last number, there was a knock at my door. Startled by the noise, I slammed down the phone. My heart pounded in my throat. “Who is it?”

  The knock came again, this time louder. “Val, just open the damn door.”

  I recognized the voice behind my door. I wasn’t sure I wanted to answer it, but it was too late, I already asked who it was. There was no way out of it now. I wish I had a peephole, so I could decide if I wanted to deal with the person on the other side of the door or not. There was enough technology in this world to make that happen. Maybe that is the next thing I ask Jeanine for. As I made my way to the door, I took a deep breath and exhaled before I opened it. My hand on the knob, I pushed my hair out of my face with the other hand and pulled my black sweater down.

  “Jesus, Val, I thought you died in here.” His laugh was more abrasive than he was.

  “Ha-ha, you’re hysterical Tim.”

  “That’s Detective Tim to you.” His hands were in his front pants pockets as he stood looking at me.

  “Really? You think you deserve that kind of respect from me?” A nervous chuckle escaped from my pursed lips.

  “Well, are you going to invite me in or not?”

  “Or not. That sounds like the option I want.” I smiled as I opened the door wider to let him in.

  "It reeks in here, Val. Are you keeping your work in here now? Bypassing the morgue?"

  "You really are gruesome. And rude." My stomach began to ache as he found a place to sit. I didn't notice an odor in here. I don't know why everyone else was complaining. I guess it might be time to clean the office.

  “I’m just teasing Val, you know that. Just relax.” He sat in the chair in front of my desk, his hands folded behind his head as he leaned back and crossed his legs. His caramel eyes twinkled as I looked at him. He was wearing a suit so I knew he was on duty. He was one of the detectives that came to the hospital when there were questions about an untimely death.

  A homicide detective and a deceased patient coordinator; what a love story that could be. We were meant for each other, except we weren’t. We had gone out for coffee a few times. When we talked shop, we got along great. Heckling each other with quick-witted remarks. When we took it a step further, it seemed we had nothing in common. He wanted more from me than I was willing to give away and he didn’t want to work for it.

  "What brings you down here? There aren't any open cases that I am aware of." I sat at my desk; my arms crossed as I waited for his response. I licked my lips as I focused on his dimples.

  He smirked, “Does there need to be an open case to come say hello?”

  "Yes. We agreed, strictly business." I uncrossed my arms and pulled my cardigan closed tight.

  "Calm down, Val. Don't get all worked up. Rest assured, I'm here on business. And maybe a little pleasure?" He tilted his head back as his laugh rumbled through my office.

  I pushed the smile off my face. “What’s the business?”

  “Do you remember the family who was here a few days ago? The one with the girl who killed herself?”

  “Carmen?” Memories of the beautiful blonde girl in her bed flashed in my mind.

  “Yeah, that’s the one. We just finished up the investigation, and when I talked with her mom, she had a lot of… what’s the word I’m looking for… emotion?”

  “Well, that makes sense. Her daughter is dead. Did you see her? The girl? The blood? The sweet face? That’s something I won’t soon forget.”

  “I saw the pictures.” He paused, closed his eyes, and shook his head from side to side as though he was trying to shake the image out of his head. “Her mom needs someone to talk to… to process it all.”

  “I have a list of therapists I can mail her.”

  "Well, she said she doesn't have insurance and no money."

  “Tim… I don’t like where this is headed. You know I don’t do that sort of thing. It’s out of my scope of practice…”

  “Really, Miss trauma support group leader?”

  “How do you even know about that?” Thoughts raced through my head. If Tim knew about this group, who else knew? How many people were going to show up? My throat went dry as I tried to swallow.

  “Val, it’s in the paper, on fliers around the hospital, at the domestic violence shelter… word is out. I didn’t know it was a secret.”

  "In the paper? Really? Jeanine didn't tell me she advertised it so well." I stood up from my desk, straightened my cardigan and looked at my watch. "Speaking of the group, it starts in fifteen minutes, I've got to go."

  “Okay, okay, I can tell when I’m not wanted.” He stood up and put his large hand on my shoulder. Instinctively, I leaned into the warmth of his skin. As I realized what I was doing, I pulled myself out from under his grip. “Just give the mom a call. For me?”

  I took a step toward the door and a smile spread across my face. The scent of his Old Spice hit my nose and brought me back to one of our coffee dates. “She already left me a message. I’ll call her after the group.”

  "Thanks, Val. It was nice to see you, even if I have to come down here, to the tunnel of death to do it.”

  “It was nice to see you, too, Tim.” I shut the door behind us and locked it. “Taking the stairs?”

  “No, I don’t trust myself alone with you.” He smiled as he walked to the elevator.

  Chapter Five

  A lady pacing the hall in front of the conference room met me when I arrived. Her salt and pepper hair was cut short and sticking up in all directions. Her long blue dress sat just above her white high-top sneakers and she clutched her brown leather purse. "Is this the trauma support group?" Her hazel eyes darted away from mine as soon as she made eye contact.

  "Yes." The fear of failure began to creep up inside of me. I had no business leading this group. What if I'm not what these people need? What if I say or do the wrong thing? It was too late now; I had to figure a way to get through the next hour. I flipped on the lights and held the door open for the woman. “You can come in if you want.”

  She walked past me and sat down in the chair closest to the exit. She kept a tight hold of her purse as she sat up straight and looked around the room. I walked over to the table where I had arranged the snacks earlier and shuffled them around. Everything was already set up, but I needed the distraction while I tried to calm my nerves. I shut my eyes tight before I turned around to face the woman. When I opened them, I noticed another woman at the door. “Are you here for the group?” Of course, she was. What a stupid question. My heart thumped against my chest so loud, I was positive they could hear it, too.

  “Yeah.” Her voice was louder than mine, and she looked as if she was on her lunch break. Her black blazer matched her dress pants perfectly, not as if she had just thrown it together in the moonlight like I sometimes do. Her auburn hair was in a perfect braid down her back, and her black pumps were just as flawless. Her presence alone was intimidating.

  “Come on in.” I choked on my words and cleared my throat. “Find a seat where you’re comfortable.” She walked in, placing herself as far away from the other lady as she could. She pulled out her iPhone and scrolled through while she avoided interaction. I didn’t blame her, I wished I had something to focus my attention on.

  I walked out into the hallway to see if I could spot anyone else who might be joining us. I lifted the sleeve on my left arm to look at my pink Avon watch, a gift from J
eanine last Christmas, nothing I would have bought myself. Still five minutes until 1:00 pm. The second hand moved like a turtle as I waited for the time to pass.

  At the registration desk, a woman who looked like she was in her seventies was nodding her head while the volunteer greeter pointed to me. I forced a smile and shot my hand up in a quick wave, and just as quickly put my hands together in front of me. My cheeks flushed as I tried to take back how uncool that move was. Maybe they weren’t even pointing at me. I looked behind me to check, no one else was in the hall. I hated that I was so awkward. Human interaction was exhausting.

  The older woman smiled as she walked toward me. I waited in the hall as she approached the conference room. Her tight silver curls bounced with each step. The navy-blue cardigan she had on over a white t-shirt with chickadees was the same one I wore just the other day. The swish of her blue corduroys became louder with each step closer.

  “Are you here for the group?” Another stupid question. So much for first impressions.

  “Yes, dear, I am.” Her smile pushed her round cheeks up under her glasses and her blue eyes sparkled. She brought the sense of calm I had been searching for earlier.

  “Great. Go on in and find a seat, we will get started shortly.”

  As she made her way into the room, I scanned the hall one last time. There was no one else who looked like they may be joining us. I walked back into the room and closed the door behind me. “Is everyone okay with the door being closed?” They all nodded their heads in agreement. I made my way to my seat, the one I had placed the box of tissues on earlier. Before I sat down, I cleared my throat, “Welcome everyone, my name is Valerie, but please call me Val.”

  When I sat down, I noticed that the woman with the iPhone was still scrolling through apps. I had the other two women’s complete attention. I sat up straight on the edge of my chair. “There are snacks and a water cooler over there. Please help yourself, feel free to get up and move around anytime you need to. The first thing I’d like to do today is introduce ourselves.” I scanned the room, three people and only four eyes on me. I could deal with this. “Who would like to start?” No one jumped at the offer. “I can begin if you’d like.” The older woman’s smile warmed me enough to continue.