Boundaries

by Jessica Aiken-Hall

  “Did she tell you about our meeting the other day?”

  “You’ve already met with her?”

  “Yes, Jeanine.”

  “So, she’s a little nuts, huh?”

  “Yeah, just a little. What did she want, did she say?”

  "Oh, just that she had something important to tell you, but she doesn't know how to reach you since you never answer your phone."

  “Right. Because I’m dealing with nut jobs like her all day. Tell me again why I love my job?”

  “Because you have the best boss.” She pushed up her glasses on her nose and took a sip from her teal metal travel mug.

  “Yeah, that’s true. You’re the best. Now, how about that vacation you promised me?”

  “I didn’t promise you…oh…I see what you did there. Why are you glowing? You’re glowing, right? Or am I seeing things?”

  I pushed my hair out of my face and looked down at my loafers. “I’m glowing? Nah, I think you’re seeing things. Guess I just got a good night’s sleep.”

  “Well, that’s good to hear. Everything else going okay? How is the group going? Do you need any help with Jane?”

  “Yeah, everything is fine, the group seems to be good, and I think I can handle Jane. I told her I could get in trouble if she came to my apartment again. Not sure that will work, but I just wanted her to know it’s not OK for her to just show up at my place. She will be a challenge, but I get it, she just lost her daughter. That’s enough to mess anyone up.”

  “Thank you, Val, for all of your good work.”

  “Anything for the best boss in the whole world.” As we parted ways, I saw the smirk on her face. It was nice knowing she had my back, especially if things got messy with Jane.

  The red light was blinking on the phone again, I didn’t want to know what awaited me, but didn’t want to prove Jane right. I prided myself in returning calls, even the ones I didn’t want to. Five messages. Three hang-ups, a message from Jane, and one from Sonya. I was more interested in what Sonya wanted but knew I had to start with Jane.

  The return call to Jane ended with a voicemail message. I made a note on my calendar that I attempted to return the call, in case she decided to tell Jeanine I never return her calls again. As much as I didn’t want to talk to her, I wanted to know what she wanted. She was exhausting but intriguing, and I was hoping to learn more about Carmen. She was the only way to do that.

  Sonya answered the phone right away, which I guessed shouldn’t be surprising since she always had her phone in her hand. “Hi Sonya, everything OK?”

  “No…not really. Do you have time to meet today? I have some stuff that came up…that I’m not sure what to do with.”

  “Sure, come by the hospital anytime today.”

  “Great, I’ll be right there.”

  Sonya was the last person I expected to hear from. She seemed so closed off in the group, I wasn’t even sure she would stay. Different scenarios ran through my mind as I waited for her to arrive. I wasn’t sure what exactly right there meant, but I hoped it was literal. There was no way I could get any work done without knowing what was going on with her. I thought about what might have sent her to the group in the first place. She mentioned something about a domestic violence group, but that was the only hint she gave. It seemed like domestic violence was the route to everyone’s problem in the group, well, except for Jane, but she was a different story.

  I went upstairs to wait for Sonya and let the front desk know where she could find me. I got a cup of coffee to help keep the migraine away. As I sat in the dimly lit conference room, scrolling through my phone, Sonya walked in. She shut the door behind her and sat down in the chair next to me. Her left leg bounced as she caught her breath.

  “Hey Sonya, what’s going on?”

  “You remember the last group we had? Where Maggie told us about what her piece of shit husband did to her girls?”

  “Yes, that’s not easy to forget.”

  "Well, I literally have not stopped thinking about it since I heard it. I want to kill him and make him pay. Jail isn't enough. Do you know how bad he ruined those girls' lives? Like, that is not something they will ever be able to forget. They'll never be normal again, and all because of him. Like, hearing their story awoke some rage in me that I didn't even know I had. Why does she have to live in fear, when all that fucker gets is a few years in jail? I just don't get it. It's not fair. It's worse than that. I don't even have the words for what it really is. I’m so fucken mad. Like, I can’t even think about anything else. I go to bed thinking about this and wake up from nightmares about it. He needs to pay.”

  I placed my hand on her knee, to try to calm her a little. "I get it, Sonya. It made me angry, too. We can't let it destroy us, though."

  “I knew you wouldn’t get it. I knew you’d try your social work bullshit with me.”

  “Now wait a minute. That’s not fair. Maggie’s story got to me, more than you know.”

  “Then we have to do something. We can’t sit back and wait for justice to be served. We need to make sure he gets what he deserves.”

  “What are you suggesting?”

  "I want to hurt him. I want to cut his dick off and shove it down his throat and watch him bleed to death, and then, when he's almost dead, I want to set him on fire."

  “Wow, that’s specific. I guess you have been thinking about this a lot.”

  “That’s what I said. I can’t get it out of my mind. I can’t stop thinking about hurting him.”

  “What if you get in trouble for taking things into your own hands? Have you thought about that?”

  “Yeah, of course, I’ve thought about it, but don’t you think it’s worth it? Besides, if I was smart about it, I could probably get away with it.”

  “I don’t know, Sonya, I understand how angry this makes you, but I don’t think you going to jail is something Maggie would want. What would that prove? And now you’ve told me about your plan, someone else knows.”

  “You’d rat me out? You’d turn me in?”

  "Sonya, you've put me in a tough spot. I understand you're angry, but a better way to

  help Maggie would be to just be her friend. We haven’t even heard all of the story. How do you think her girls would feel if they found out a stranger would risk going to jail to protect them? Maybe they don’t want their father to die.”

  “I don’t know why they’d care. You heard what Maggie said. Why should he live?”

  “It’s complicated, Sonya. I think it’s great that you want to help so badly, but I think you need to slow down. Let’s get to know each other a little more. Let’s see what the other ladies think.”

  “How are you so calm? How come you don’t want to kill the motherfucker?”

  “Sonya, I didn’t say I didn’t want to. I just said we need to slow things down.”

  “When do we meet again? I don’t think I can wait until next week. The weekend leaves me a lot of time to think.”

  “Want to see if the others can come in tomorrow? Do you think you can wait until then?”

  "I guess. I mean, he is in jail; not like I can break in there and kill him in front of the guards." She smiled for the first time since sitting down.

  “Do you want to wait while I call the others?”

  “Yeah, I want to know if anyone else feels like I do.”

  I pulled out the other’s information from the intake forms they filled out at our first meeting. Norma was the first I called. She was surprised to hear from me but was agreeable to meet the following day. Maggie sounded concerned by the call, and I didn’t want to give her too much information, but she agreed to meet with us. When I placed the call to Jane, she still didn’t answer, but she hadn’t been part of the group when Maggie shared.

  Sonya was content with knowing we were all going to get together to discuss her feelings before the weekend came. She was able to pull herself together and said she was going to return to work. I was hopeful the extra meeting would be enough to
keep her from doing anything stupid. Although, I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about wanting to hurt Maggie’s husband. I could relate to Lexi, more than anyone could know, but I couldn’t condone Sonya’s desires. I couldn’t go down for her actions. What a mess that could turn into.

  I wasn't sure if I should put a note in the computer about our visit, even a vague one, because I didn't want any trail left behind for anyone to find. I had a strong feeling this wasn't going to be the end of Sonya's desire for revenge. I couldn't say that I blamed her, but I don't want to get linked to any of her crazy ideas. That was the one thing I learned from all those Snapped episodes, don’t leave any trail behind.

  Chapter Seventeen

  I knew I couldn't tell anyone about the visit from Sonya, especially Tim. It was crazy to think about everything Sonya said, but it did get me thinking. What it takes to make someone snap is different for everyone. I thought about what it would take to make me snap. So much had happened to me, and most of the people I met in my career had their own sad stories. Amazingly, I hadn’t snapped already. What did I have inside me that kept me from causing harm to them? When would it be my turn to change the pain into payment? But did I even have it in me to hurt someone else?

  When Tim texted me to ask me if I wanted him to come over, I wasn’t sure how to respond. I wanted to see him, to get my mind off all of the thoughts Sonya’s visit awoke in me, but I also wanted to give them time to play out.

  "Gabriel, what do you think I should do?" I scratched his head as he sat in my lap on the couch. "Do you think Tim should come over tonight? Or just the two of us tonight? Yeah, I know he brought you treats, but what do you think?" His purrs didn't answer my questions, so I had to make up my mind myself. "Is it too soon to tell a little fib? I do think I have a headache coming on, that's not a lie."

  I replied with a simple, “I think I’m just going to rest tonight, long day at the office. Talk to you tomorrow.” Accompanied by a smiley face emoji. He didn’t pester me any further, I was glad he knew how complicated I can be.

  I got up to make a cup of peppermint tea and got my iPad. I didn’t usually go online at home since I was on the computer so much at work, but I had research to do. Sonya's visit made me want to look into my mom. It had been almost twenty years since I spoke to her, and sixteen years since I last saw her. In the last few years at home, I wouldn't talk to her, not after what she did to Gabriel. I had to live under her roof until I was old enough to leave, but she couldn't make me talk to her.

  I logged onto my Facebook account and typed her name in the search bar. Nothing came up and then I remembered I had blocked her years ago, so she couldn’t find me. I had a lot of people blocked on there, it seemed like a good idea just to create a new account. I created a new Hotmail address, and then a new Facebook under the name Stephanie Mills. No one I knew, but no one they would suspect as being me.

  I typed my mom's name in the search bar again. This time her smiling face popped up in the first search. Just seeing her look so happy fueled the dormant rage that I hosted. How dare she be happy when she stole so much from me? Scrolling through her page, it looked like she was still married to the same jackass. I scrolled through pages of inspirational sayings and happy pictures. This was what was going to make me snap. Seeing that evil woman enjoy her life when she threw her own daughter away. All those sappy sayings meant nothing when there was no truth behind them. How dare she live such a lie. As far as I knew, she had never tried to find me and she never apologized for stealing Gabriel from me. She didn't even understand how much pain it caused. She didn't even care; all that mattered was the image she portrayed to the rest of the world.

  Hours went by before I stopped scrolling through her page. I think I looked at every post she ever posted, read every comment. Countless friends wishing her a happy birthday each year. Pictures from girls' getaways and romantic adventures with her sleazy husband. No one knew the woman I knew. I never told anyone what she did to me because it was too painful to talk about. She got away with everything. She always did.

  After looking at all I could see on her page, I clicked on his page. Dr. Chad Ross. My skin crawled when his big, round head loaded on my screen. His hair had started thinning and was all gray now. He had grown a full beard and resembled a cheap mall Santa. I imagined he smelled the part, too. He was the only one who knew the truth, and he was equally as evil as my mother.

  His page had less on it, probably so his patients couldn't find him. His page was boring in comparison. It looked like they lived at the same place and he worked at the same office. The thought he still had his license was disturbing. I wondered how many girls he had hurt. I thought about the amount of time that had passed and tried to calculate the number of victims he might have had by now. Maybe age slowed him down, but I doubt it. It's the power he was after, not just the sex.

  I clicked on each of his friends to see what else I could find out. I didn’t recognize many of the names. He never could keep friends, they eventually figured out what an arrogant asshole he really was. “Gabriel, look at this. Chad hasn’t changed a bit. I hate everything about him. I think if there is anyone I could kill and not feel bad, it would be him.”

  Gabriel jumped into my lap and rubbed his head against my chin. “Are you trying to tell me it’s time to go to bed?” I glanced down at the clock and saw it was past midnight. I was never going to be able to wake up in the morning. “Good thing I have you to keep track of me.” He jumped down and followed me to the bathroom while I got ready for bed.

  As I brushed my teeth, I couldn’t shake the images of Chad and my mother out of my mind. I wished I hadn’t spent my whole night lost in their life. I worked hard not to think about them, and now it was like I opened Pandora’s Box. Years of suppressed anger bubbled over. I thought about what life should have been like, and all I missed out on. I thought about the family that I loved that I was forced to leave behind. I wondered if my grandmother was still alive and why she hadn't tried to find me. I wonder what lies my mother told her. I didn't have the chance to say goodbye to her because I knew she wouldn't be able to keep my secret. Mom knew how to manipulate information out of everyone.

  Gabriel curled up on my pillow as he waited for me to join him. "Just a minute, Buddy, I need to check something." I went back out to the living room, grabbed the iPad, and entered my gram's name in the search bar. My heart raced as I waited for the results to populate. I didn't want to find out that she was dead this way. I closed the cover before I could look. It was too late to find out that I'd never get to see her again. Why hadn't I thought about this before now? It's been sixteen years and I never thought about this possibility before. I lost sixteen years of my life when I ran away. I lost any chance at a healthy relationship with my gram, all because I had to escape the Hell my mother created.

  "I can't look. I can't do it." I paced the bedroom with my iPad in my hand. "What if she's dead?" I sat on the bed and ran my fingers through Gabriel's fur. "I've got to look, don't I?" I opened the cover to reveal the search results, nothing there. I typed her name again, with the word obituary…still, nothing came up. "Gabe, she's not dead. Maybe there is time to find her and reconnect. Is that crazy? Should I just give this up?" Gabriel was already asleep, not listening to anything I was saying. I turned off the light and got into bed to try to get some sleep for the big meeting tomorrow.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Since I wasn’t able to fall asleep, I made it to work early. I wanted to get everything done, so I’d have more time to spend with the group. Jane still hadn’t returned the calls I had made to her, but I wasn’t sure that was a bad thing. I wanted to have time to focus on Sonya’s thoughts and the others and Jane had a way of taking things over. I hadn’t told Jeanine about this special meeting because I didn’t want to give her the chance to tell me we couldn’t meet. I blocked out my schedule, so she would know I was busy and not available to do any spur of the moment favors.

  Norma was the first to a
rrive. We sat together in the conference room and made small talk while we waited for the others. Maggie came in next, she appeared less nervous and I hoped our meeting today wouldn't set her back. I started a pot of coffee while we waited for Sonya. I was beginning to think she got second thoughts and wasn't going to show up for the meeting she requested. "Let's just wait a few more minutes for Sonya before we get started. I wasn't able to get in touch with Jane, so it'll just be the four of us." I walked down the hall to see if I could see Sonya, but there was no sign of her.

  I poured a cup of coffee in hopes of giving me enough energy to get through the day on zero sleep. Norma came over and made a cup and brought one over to Maggie. Between the lack of sleep and the absence of Sonya, I wasn't thinking clearly. "Sorry, I should have offered you some…"

  "Good morning, beauties." Sonya's bubbling voice boasted over me. "Sorry I'm late; I had to stop for these." She placed a box of muffins from the local bakery on the counter. "Figured we could use a treat today."

  “Isn’t that nice?” Norma smiled as she placed her hand on Sonya’s shoulder. “It’s so good to see you, dear.”

  “Maggie, come and get it.” Sonya smiled as she placed a blueberry muffin on a paper plate.

  “I was worried you weren’t going to make it, glad you’re here.”

  “Of course, I made it, we have work to do today.” Sonya winked at me as she looked around the room at the other ladies.

  “Why don’t we get started then?” I walked over to shut the door and found a seat between Norma and Maggie. “Sonya asked if we could meet a little early because she has been having some trouble since our last meeting.”

  “Not really trouble. I just…it’s just that I’m having a hard time with everything I heard.”

  Maggie’s eyes went to her untied shoes. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have shared so much.”