Boundaries

by Jessica Aiken-Hall

  Since moving to Lawrenceville, Vermont, I never left the area. It seemed safer to stay in the little cocoon I created. Work took up most of my time, the rest of it was spent at home with Gabriel. Everything I needed could be found in the grocery store in town and if not, I had become an expert at online shopping. So much of my life had been spent hiding away. The last sixteen years had slipped by so quickly and yet so slowly. Stuck in time and yet floating through space. Life was so hard to understand.

  “This is such a pretty drive. I’ve never been to Windsor before.”

  “Yeah, it is beautiful, probably more so a few weeks ago, before all the leaves fell off.”

  "I think the look of death is nice." Laughing, I put my hand on his thigh.

  “That’s right, I forget you’re the queen of death.”

  “Hmm, I’ve never heard that before…I like it. I guess you must be my king of death.”

  "I don't think it has the same ring to it. I'm OK with being your king, though…but let's leave the death to you."

  A sharp ping of anxiety rang through me. How did he know? He can’t know…can he? “Is it alright if I turn some music on?”

  “Of course.” He turned the radio on and pointed to the button. “Go ahead and pick something you like.”

  I flipped through the channels, unable to find anything worth listening to. "Do you have any CDs?"

  “What do you think this is? 1999?” His deep laugh filled the interior of the Volkswagen Touareg. He pushed a button to turn the Sirius radio on. “What kind of music do you like? I’m sure you’ll find something here.”

  "Tom Petty is my favorite…I mean, who else is there?"

  “No shit? I love Tom Petty.” His finger went to one of the preset channels. “Ever heard of Tom Petty Radio?”

  “Tom Petty Radio? What’s that?”

  “Just listen.”

  The end of Free Fallin’ was playing. The sound of Tom’s voice chased away all of my worries. I closed my eyes as I let his words fill my soul. I always forget how healing his music was. It melted away all of the pain, literally what saved my life so many times in the past.

  Something Good Coming started to play. “Another one? This has to be the best station ever.”

  "It's Tom Petty Radio…that's all they play…well, sometimes they play some of the songs that he loves, which is pretty much the same thing."

  “Careful…there is nothing that compares to his songs.”

  “Let me rephrase that…it’s cool to hear what music helped shape him into the amazing musician he is. How was that? Did I redeem myself?” His eyes glanced over quick enough to light the spark in me.

  “Good save. I love this song…I mean…the hope of something good coming has helped get me through some pretty shitty times.”

  “Yeah, this is one of my favorites from the Mojo album.”

  “Same, and The Trip to Pirate’s Cove, and No Reason to Cry. Oh, and I Should Have Known It, I love to listen to that super loud when I’m having a bad day…so pretty often. Safe to say that’s one of my favorite albums.”

  “No…I never could have guessed.”

  “You’re lucky you’re so cute. Seriously, though, I can’t believe you love Tom Petty, too.”

  “Well, I do like him. I’m not so sure I love him as much as you do, but I totally get it.”

  As the trees sped by the window, the sun started to peek out from behind the clouds. The longer we were in the car, the closer we were to my mom and Chad. What if they were visiting with Gram when we drove by? What if she notices me? I hadn’t thought about any of these possibilities when Tim asked if I wanted to go. I never let the distance between us shrink enough to put myself in this predicament before, and now I knew why.

  My mouth went dry and my heart raced. My mother stole so much from me and I always let her get away with it. Years of distress morphed into resentment. I thought I left to escape them, so they couldn't hurt me any longer, but now I know it was so I wouldn't hurt them. The fear held me hostage and now I was no longer its prisoner.

  Out my window, the sight of a hanging deer carcass caught my attention. As a kid, I always hated hunting season. Dead deer tied to the hoods of little sedans or thrown without regard in the back of ratty old pickup trucks. I never understood why people got a thrill out of taking a life. My teacher told me people depend on the meat they get from the deer; for some people, it was all they had to eat. I still didn't understand how it gave someone the right to end a life. Murder was justified when it was done for good, with purpose. That was a lesson I understood now.

  "We'll be there in about twenty minutes. You doing okay?"

  “Yeah, sorry. Just lost in my head.”

  “I figured you might be. Do you want to talk it out?”

  “Not really.” I hoped my smile showed him what I couldn’t say.

  “That’s OK, Val.”

  The rest of the ride there, my body tightened and there was a catch in my breath. It was hard to tell if it was anxiety or rage that was taking over. I missed my gram so much, and I would be able to see where she lived, but I wouldn’t be able to see her, or talk to her, or hug her. All because of them and what they did. “I think it’s bullshit that my mom has been able to see my grandma whenever she wanted, and it’s been over sixteen years since I saw her.”

  “Who was stopping you?”

  "She was. I didn't go because I didn't want her to know anything about me. I wanted her to think I disappeared or died, or whatever."

  “So, you were trying to punish her, and you were the one who suffered?”

  His words hit hard as they sank in. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. I bet she didn’t even think about me, but I know Gram missed me. We were so close. I know it must be killing her.”

  He parked the car on the street, under a giant oak tree. “Do you want to change that? Take your power back?”

  “We’re here?”

  He nodded his head and pointed to the blue building across the road. “Do you want to go see your grandma?”

  Butterflies multiplied in my stomach. “Will you come with me?”

  “Already meeting the family? I think that’s good news for me.” His smile alleviated his poor timing of sarcasm.

  My raised eyebrows spoke louder than I could have.

  “Bad timing? I suck at this quick wit crap. Let me try again…I’d love to go with you.”

  “Much better.” As I opened my door, I tried to slow my breathing down. The Christmas lights were already on the pine trees in the courtyard. The twinkle of the white lights took me back to my childhood when my gram would drive me around town to look at lights on Christmas Eve. I missed her more than I knew. Tim reached over to take my hand and gave it a little squeeze. "Thank you." It was too late to hide the tears in my eyes. "You go first?"

  "Sure." He led me down a winding paved path past identical doors adorned with simple green wreaths. "You want me to knock for you?"

  I nodded my head and took a step behind him.

  His knuckles tapped against the white door and we waited. He knocked again, louder this time. No answer. He put his head to the door to listen. “The TV is on in there, so she must be here.” He tried the doorknob and as it turned open, he looked back at me with slight hesitation. “Mrs. Cooper? Mrs. Cooper, are you home?”

  “Come in.”

  He squeezed my hand tighter and pulled me through the door. “Good evening, Mrs. Cooper.”

  We entered through the kitchen, guided by the sound of The Wheel of Fortune, she was sitting in a navy-blue recliner. When I saw her, it was like no time had passed. She had aged, but she was still my gram. Her silver hair was still cut short with messy curls; she used to have her hair done every week to keep the curls in tight. She had a pink sweatsuit with a small patch of purple flowers embroidered on the chest. She dressed much more sophisticated when I knew her, but her eyes remained the same, sweet baby blue.

  “Hi.” The only word I could muster.

  “Hi. I w
asn’t expecting any visitors. Or was I? Do I know you? Did Elaine send you?” The confusion that followed her words made her feel like more of a stranger. She didn’t recognize me. I squeezed Tim’s hand as I changed the plan.

  “No, Mrs. Cooper, my name is Stephanie, and this is my partner, Tim. We are with the US Census Bureau. We did check with Elaine, and she said it would be fine to stop by and ask you a few questions.”

  “You talked to Elaine?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “Well, as long as you’re sure she knows. She yells at me when I talk to strangers.”

  "It can be dangerous to talk with strangers. Your daughter is only looking out for you." The lie tasted like poison. My mother's venom was powerful enough to fill the room with tension without even being present. I knew my mother well enough to know what my gram needed to hear to trust me.

  “I suppose so.” She fumbled with the remote and turned the TV off. “What would you like to know?”

  “How long have you lived here?”

  “Oh, I don’t know. I can’t remember when I moved here. Elaine could tell you that.”

  “That’s okay. How often do you see Elaine or other family?”

  "That's a good question. I'm not sure. Elaine doesn't come very often. She's really the only family I have."

  The honesty in her words stung. What about me? A thought I didn’t dare put into words. “Do you have other visitors?”

  “Yes. I have a nurse that checks up on me.”

  “Are you able to cook your meals?”

  "I can, probably, but the nurse does the cooking." She paused. "I guess I don't really do anything for myself anymore."

  "That's alright, sometimes it gets hard. Don't feel bad about that." I wanted to tell her who I was, but I wasn't even sure what stories my mother had told her. Had she wiped me entirely out of her memory?

  “You’re a sweet girl. It’s hard getting old. Simple things become too much, and time passes by so slowly…or quickly. I’m never quite sure how that one goes.”

  “I understand that.” I ached for her to see me, to go back to how we were so many years ago. I missed her so much, even with her sitting right across from me.

  Tim saw my emotions had taken over my thoughts and stepped in. “Do you like the people who help you, Mrs. Cooper?”

  “Yes, I do. She’s a nice girl. She reminds me of my granddaughter. I haven’t seen her in ages, but I remember the fun times we had together.” The smile on her face was almost too much to bear. It wasn’t time yet…not now.

  “She sounds like a nice girl.” Tim’s eyes met mine as he tapped my knee.

  I shook my head and fought back the tears. "We have to get going now, thank you so much for your time tonight. We will be back with some more questions if that's OK."

  “That would be fine. It’s always nice to have someone to talk to.”

  “Before we go, is there anything we can do for you? A cup of tea?”

  “Oh, that would be lovely. I love…”

  “Peppermint tea?” The words slipped off my lips before I could get them back.

  “How did you know?”

  “Well, that’s my grandma’s favorite tea…so, just a lucky guess.” I went into the kitchen and put the kettle on. The matching blue ceramic mug she gave me so many years ago was resting in her dish drainer. I picked up the mug, held it in my hands and flashbacks to our last Christmas filled the room. She was so excited to show me the matching mugs she had bought at the local Christmas Bazaar. We sat by the light of the Christmas tree and sipped on peppermint tea and shared a plate of Pecan Sandies while we laughed and talked about everything.

  The whistle of the tea kettle brought me back to reality. So much time had been wasted. I didn't know how much I had missed her. I kind of pushed all of my memories out of my head so I could manage my stone-cold exterior. Tim continued talking with Gram. They seemed to be having a good time together. Just one more reason he was a great guy. I just hoped I didn’t screw it up.

  The hot water hit the tea bag and as the smell drifted up to my nose, I knew I wouldn’t be able to pretend for much longer. Just not today. Too much had happened over the last twenty-four hours to add that to the mix. A lifetime took place in those few hours. My life was changed and there was no way back to the way it was any longer. That door was closed tight, locked and the key disposed of.

  “Here you go, Gram…I mean Mrs. Cooper.”

  "It's been years since anyone has called me that." She put her hand to her heart and smiled. She took the mug of hot tea and held it between her hands, letting the heat warm her hands, just like I do.

  “This might sound strange, but would it be alright if I gave you a hug?”

  “That would be lovely.” She placed both hands on the arms of her chair and pushed herself up out of the chair.

  I walked over to her and bent down to wrap my arms around her. My head rested on hers, I took a long, deep breath in. The familiar smell encased me in love. I didn’t realize how empty I had been all those years. There was nothing that was going to keep me from her, not even my mother.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Tim’s phone rang, waking us. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes to look at the clock. Who would be calling at eleven o’clock at night? I sat up to try to hear the other side of the conversation.

  “Yeah, OK, I’ll be right there. Text me the address.”

  “What’s that all about?”

  With one leg in his jeans, he fell on to the bed. “I forgot I was on call this weekend. You’re such a great distraction.”

  “Oh no, that’s a good way to get in trouble. Good thing you didn’t get a call when we were in Windsor.”

  “You’re not kidding. But, it’s Lawrenceville, and no one really cares about anything in this town.”

  “So, what’s up? Where are you off to?”

  “Oh, probably nothing, one of the other guys was called to do a welfare check on some old guy and they found him dead in bed, without his pants.”

  Pressure filled my head, a weight settled onto my chest and my right eye started to twitch. My tongue felt like it tripled in size and I lost my ability to swallow.

  “Do you want to tag along?”

  “No.” The word came out harsher than I intended.

  “What, the queen of death doesn’t work overtime?”

  “I’m just exhausted.” I pulled the blanket up to my chin and laid back down.

  “Relax, Val. I was only kidding.” He bent down and kissed my head. Unable to meet his lips, I laid still. “Are you mad at me?”

  “No…I just have a migraine coming on.”

  “You sure? You know I’m just messing around, right?”

  “Yeah…yeah, I’m sorry. I just need to sleep and I should be fine.”

  When the door shut behind him, I called for Gabriel to join me. His meow entered the room before he did. "I'm sorry to wake you up." He jumped up on the bed next to me and curled up on my chest. "It's been a crazy couple of days, buddy. I don't know what I'm going to do. I mean, what if Tim thinks things look suspicious at that house? It's got to be him…how many other old guys could be half-naked and dead?"

  As I thought about what had happened, I thought about Sonya. I thought about all of the young girls he hurt and anger replaced my fear. "No. I'm not going to let him hold me prisoner like he did to all those others. I cleaned up after myself and no one even knows I went to his house. There is no way this can get pinned on me. I didn't even really kill him…he was alive when I left." Gabriel was fast asleep, his chest rising and falling on top of me. "You always know how to make everything better."

  Tim woke me up when he returned to bed. He tried to be quiet, but I felt the bed move when he laid down. I rolled over to greet him. He kissed me and pulled me close. “How did everything go?”

  “Oh, it was nothing. Just a dirty old man that died in his sleep. No crime scene. It was a pointless call…but it’s protocol.”

  “So just like that,
case closed?”

  “Well, sort of, although the case was never opened for it to be closed.”

  Relief pushed any remaining apprehension out of my body. “I love you.” I lifted my head to kiss him. “Thank you for everything.”

  “I love you, too, Val. But you don’t need to thank me.”

  He had no idea how much I owed him and he never could know the extent of my gratitude. I let the weight of all that took place over the last forty-eight hours fade away as I fell back asleep in his arms. The love I felt when I hugged my gram was close to this. For the first time in years, I felt whole. I didn't want these feelings to end.

  When morning finally came, Gabriel pounced on the bed between us. His purring echoed in the quietness of the morning. "Good morning, Gabe. Are you hungry?" He jumped off the bed to follow me to the kitchen, where he devoured his breakfast. Watching how thankful he was for just having his basic needs met, I loved him a little bit more. I crouched down next to him and scratched the top of his head while he finished his food. "How did I get so lucky?"

  “You get what you give, Val.” Tim’s voice behind me made me jump. “We’re just as lucky.”

  “It’s going to take some getting used to, remembering someone else is here.”

  “Is that an invitation to move in?”

  “Whoa…slow down.”

  “We only have so much time on Earth. I don’t want to slow down. I don’t want to waste any more of my time without you.”

  “If you weren’t so damn cute, I might be a little freaked out by your neediness…but it works on you.”

  “Neediness? Hey…”

  “I said you’re cute…that should cancel out anything else I said.”

  “Fair enough.”

  “I’ve got a lot to process…I’m still using my defense mechanisms. I don’t mean it…I’m just not used to spending my time with anyone, except Gabriel.”

  "I get it, Val. I'm grateful you've opened your heart to me as much as you have. I'll back off a little and slow things down."