I called Norma to let her know I planned on coming and asked if there was anything she wanted me to bring. She said she was excited to have a house full of people to cook for and there was nothing she needed. She said the other ladies were going to spend the night after dinner and then leave early the next morning to go shopping. Lucky for me, Gabriel couldn’t be left home alone, so I had an easy way out of that invitation. I took her address and entered it into my phone. Only about a fifteen-minute drive from my place, so if I did want to meet up with them to go shopping the next morning, I still could.
“Hey, Tim, I guess I am going to go to Norma’s and having Thanksgiving with the ladies this time.”
"I asked my mom, and she said she'd love to meet you if you change your mind."
“Ah, thanks for asking. And, tell her I said thank you.”
“Sure thing…or you could tell her at Christmas? I mean, if you want to come with me next month.”
"Yeah…okay…definitely, something to think about."
“That’s the polite way of saying no, isn’t it?”
“I didn’t say no.”
“Okay, I’ll remember your answer isn’t no. Do you have plans today? Want me to come by for lunch?”
"My day is pretty full since I'm taking the rest of the week off. Tonight would work better for me."
"Oh, that sounds like a nice way to end my day. I hope you have a productive day. I love you, Val."
“I love you, too. See you later.”
I wasn’t sure if I’d ever get used to saying I love you and meaning it. The idea of saying those words and hearing someone say them back was not something I imagined would be part of my life. Believing I deserved to hear them was something I needed to work on.
Since my talk with Tim, I tried to stay away from Jane, to try to distance myself from her and the whole situation. But, since the holiday was coming up, I wanted to make sure she had what she needed before I left for the next few days, that was my excuse anyway.
Jane was sitting in the recliner in her room, her feet up, watching TV. An empty tray sat on the bedside table next to her. The color in her face looked good, and she was wearing clean clothes and fluffy pink slippers. I knocked on the edge of the door before entering. “Hey, Jane, you’re looking good.”
She took her eyes off the TV long enough to look at me, then returned to the show. "I thought you were coming back the other day to take me to group."
“I’m sorry you thought that, Jane. I didn’t want to get in the way of your treatment. If you want to come to the next one, I can see if a nurse can bring you down.”
“Hmmm…I don’t know if I need to come now, or not.”
“Well, that sounds good. Are you feeling better?”
"I am now. The first few days, I felt like shit."
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
"The good news is I never want to feel like that again. The social worker told me she is going to help me go to rehab once the medication is done."
“Oh, wow, Jane. That’s great news. I’m so happy to hear that.”
“She showed me some pictures of the place and I think it’ll be really good. It’ll give me more time to think about stuff. And, get my shit together. I don’t have Carmen to take care of anymore, so now I can take care of myself.”
“That sounds like a great plan. I’m proud of you. How much longer are you staying here?”
"I'm not sure. I'll get to leave once the treatment is finished and a bed is ready for me. The doctor said he wouldn't release me until he was sure I have someplace to go."
“Smart man.”
“Thanks for not just giving me money to get more drugs…and for making me come over here.”
“My pleasure. I’m glad you’re doing so well. Is there anything I can do for you while you wait for a bed to open up?”
“Stop by and visit? It would help pass the time.”
“I’m going to be off the next couple of days, but I’ll be sure to stop by when I get back. Have you had any visitors?”
“Nah…no one knows I’m here. There isn’t anyone who would notice if I was missing. No real friends or family left.”
“I can relate to that.”
“Oh, I’m sure your cop boyfriend would miss you.”
“Yeah, I think you’re right…but I don’t have anyone else…I know how lonely it can be.”
“I think that’s why I started using…to keep my mind off all the shitty stuff.”
“I’m amazed I never did…I have no idea how I kept away from it…I’m just glad you’re going to find a new way to live.”
“Me, too.”
“Happy Thanksgiving, Jane. I’ll see you next week. Stay out of trouble.”
“Not like I have any other choice.” She smiled, and as our eyes connected, I felt changes were coming for her. Life was going to start looking up for her. She wanted it. I could tell.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
When I arrived at Norma's ranch-style house, there were already three cars in the horseshoe-shaped driveway. My eyes went to the clock on the dash; I wasn't late. I picked up the blueberry pie I picked up at the bakery by the hospital and went to the door. Christmas music was playing and laughter greeted my knock on the door. Sonya, wearing a white apron, opened the door. "Hey, don't you look cute?"
She tugged at the apron and smiled. “There’s one waiting inside for you, too. Come on in and join the fun.”
When I walked through the door, Norma and Maggie were peeling potatoes, and Maggie's daughters were in the living room sitting on the couch watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. "Happy Thanksgiving, everyone." I sat the pie on the counter and looked around the open floor plan. The table was set for six with a beautiful lace tablecloth and a ceramic cornucopia in the center with gourds spilling out of it. "Sorry if I'm late. I thought you said eleven. What can I do to help?"
“Oh, you’re not late, dear. Everyone else decided to spend the night last night, too. We watched Christmas movies and had pizza and played cards. I haven’t had this much fun in ages.”
“That does sound like a lot of fun.”
Norma handed a frilly white apron to me. “If you want, you can put this on to keep your sweater clean. Do you want to help get the rolls made?”
I put the apron on, wrapping the straps around my waist and tying it in the front. "Alright, but I haven’t made rolls in years. My grandma and I used to make them every year…but it's been ages.” Memories of Thanksgivings past took my breath away as a single tear rolled down my cheek.
“It’s just like riding a bike, it’ll come right back to you.” She handed me a recipe and showed me where to find the ingredients.
She was right, it did come back to me, the skill and the pain. I hadn't considered this was the first holiday in sixteen years I hadn’t spent alone. Or that it would hurt so much to think about all of the years that I had wasted living my life so closed off so I would never get hurt again. Kneading the dough was just the cure I needed to release the emotions I didn't want to share with a room full of almost strangers. Maybe Tim was right, maybe being here was crossing some boundaries. Or, perhaps this was the first step in my allowing people into my life.
“How are you doing, Val?” Norma’s hand rested on my back as she stood next to me.
“I’m doing okay. Thank you for having us today. I don’t know the last time I felt so welcome someplace. You have a beautiful home.”
"Thank you, it's nothing special. It's been a lot of fun having a house full of company. And Maggie's girls are such sweethearts." The joy oozed off of her, as thick as the smell of the turkey roasting. "Are you sure you're okay, honey? You look sad. Is something bothering you?"
“I’m okay…being here, with all of you, makes me miss my grandma.”
“Oh, Val, that can be so hard. When did you lose her?”
“She’s not gone…I just can’t see her…it’s complicated.” I brushed tears off of my face with the sleeve of my sweater. “Is th
ere anything else I can help with?”
She took my cue to change the subject and didn't ask any more questions. "No, I think we have everything under control. Now we just wait. Why don't you come meet the girls?" She took my hand and led me into the opening of the living room. "Sammy, Lexi, this is Val. Val, this is Sammy and Lexi.”
Both girls turned and looked at me and pushed the same half-smile onto their face. Lexi waved and went back to watching the TV, and Sammy quietly said hello before returning her eyes to the TV. "It's nice to meet you both. How is the parade this year? Has Santa arrived yet?"
“It’s alright.” Lexi didn’t take her eyes off the screen.
“I don’t think Santa’s in the parade…it’s Thanksgiving.” Sammy looked behind her in an attempt to locate her mom.
My awkward attempt to make small talk fizzled before my eyes. When I looked at the girls, all I could picture was that evil man hurting them, stealing their innocence from them. I understood completely why they were so reluctant to talk to me or trust me. They didn't know me. I knew exactly how it was living in a world where you didn’t know who was safe and who wasn’t. I also knew when it was best to walk away and not force myself on them.
Back in the kitchen, Maggie and Sonya were sitting at the table, sipping their cups of coffee and nibbling on the cheese and crackers that were arranged precisely on the white platter. I pulled out a chair next to Maggie and took a Ritz cracker. Norma came over with a small paper plate and handed me a cup of coffee. "It's just so nice to have you all here."
"This is nice," I replied as I added the cream and sugar to my coffee. "This is the first time in a long time that I haven't been alone on a holiday. I used to think I didn't mind, but I really did. I guess it was easier saying I was fine than to think about what I was missing."
With her mug between her hands, Sonya leaned her body into the table to get closer to me. “Why has it been so long? Why were you alone?”
“I’m not even sure anymore. It’s a long story.”
"Lucky for you, we have all day. Tell us about you…you know about us, but we don't know anything about you." She sat back into her chair and took a sip of coffee.
“I’m more of a listener. I don’t really talk about me to…”
“Clients? Jesus Christ, you still think of us as clients? How many clients have you been to Thanksgiving dinner with? Or been at their houses?”
"Well, actually, I used to do home visits, so a lot."
“You know what I mean. I thought we were your friends.”
“Sonya, you are…you ladies are the first people from work that I’ve spent time with outside of work hours. I do think of you as friends…I guess I just don’t want to dump my problems on you all. It’s not your job to fix me.”
“We don’t want to fix you…we want to get to know you.” Maggie spoke up and then looked away.
With a deep breath in, I pushed the hair behind my ear as I felt my temperature rise. "When I was eighteen, I left home and never looked back. I didn't stay in touch with any friends or family. I moved away, got an apartment with the money I had saved. After I found a job, I enrolled in the community college and started taking night classes."
"Why did you leave?" Sonya asked as I took a drink of coffee.
“My mom was not a good person. She did some messed up stuff to me, and I didn’t feel safe around her. I cut off all contact with everyone so she wouldn’t be able to find me…but I don’t even know if she would have looked for me. I could have just wasted the last sixteen years I could have had with my gram. I thought I was punishing her, but I think I was the only one that paid the price.”
“Oh, honey.” Norma put her hand on mine. “How awful it must have been to give up your whole life and start a new one so young. You’re a brave woman.”
“Until I met you all, I never let myself miss my gram. If I didn’t think about it, it wouldn’t haunt my thoughts. But, seeing how you all are with each other, and the friendships you all have made makes me miss parts of my old life.”
“What did your mom do that made you want to run away?”
“Sonya, don’t be rude.” Maggie scolded her.
“What? I just want to know. It might do her good to talk about it. I know I’ve heard that from someone before.”
“You’re probably right, Sonya.” I turned to look at the girls in the living room. “I just don’t think it’s something I should talk about right now.” I nodded my head toward the living room.
"Hey, Norma, have you given Val a tour yet?" Sonya winked.
“Not yet. Would you like to see the rest of the house?” Norma stood up, Sonya and Maggie followed. Norma led us down a long hall past the kitchen. She opened the door on the right. The room was set up with a double bed, neatly made with a dusty pink bedspread and matching pillow shams. Sonya was the first to climb onto the bed and she patted the mattress next to her for us to find a spot. “So, you were saying?”
Maggie closed the door behind her before finding her spot next to Norma on the edge of the bed. I pulled out the rocking chair to face them. "I'm not sure where to start…well…when I was fifteen, my counselor raped me, my mom married him, I got pregnant by him, my mom sent me away to a home for pregnant teens, they stole my baby, my mom never left him and I ran away."
Sonya’s mouth hung open, and tears were streaming down Maggie’s face. Norma sat holding Maggie’s hand but didn’t say a word. “So, your life sucks as bad as all of ours? No wonder we all like you so much. I won’t get after you for giving us the Cliff Notes version…because that was a lot.” Sonya shook her head. “We’re sisters. All of us.”
“So, yeah, I guess I can relate to a lot of what you all have shared in group. I have a hard time trusting people, but I felt like you ladies were different. I guess I was right.”
"Thank you so much for sharing that with us. If you ever want to talk, you know we're here for you, right?"
“Thank you, Sonya, that means a lot.”
“So, you know what Lexi is going through?” Maggie brushed the tears off her cheeks.
“Well, I can’t say I know what she’s going through, only what I went through. I know the pain and confusion, but I think we all deal with our stuff differently.”
“Does it get easier? I mean, will she ever be able to move on…have a normal life?”
"It does get easier, I think time helps take some of the sting away, but it doesn't fix anything, it just makes it not hurt as bad. I think about my son every day. I wonder what he's doing, where he lives, if he's happy and healthy, what he looks like. I miss him, but I don't focus on the pain my stepfather caused, or that my mom made me give up my baby. The pain just changes over time. I never went to counseling and I think it could have helped me. I think the best thing you can do for her and Sammy would be to make sure they have a good counselor. You already did more for them than my mom ever did for me. They are lucky to have you."
Maggie’s quiet sadness filled the room. Tears fell off her cheeks as Norma rubbed her back. “You really think so? You think I’m a good mom?”
"Oh, Maggie, I would have loved to have a mom like you. You love those girls and it shows. You are there for them. You did some tough stuff to make sure they're safe. You're an amazing mom."
Sonya stood up and stretched her arms above her head. “I think we should get back out there to check on the food…and the girls.”
“Oh, dear, I almost forgot what we were doing.” Norma walked to the door, Maggie and I following.
"Group hug." Sonya stood in the hall and held her arms out to wrap around us. "I love you, girls."
“I love you all, too.” Norma leaned her head onto my shoulder and wrapped her arms around as many of us as she could reach.
After dinner was finished and everything was cleaned up, I excused myself to get home to Gabriel. I opted out of going shopping with them all in the morning. I just needed some time alone, away from everything, snuggling up with Gabriel with a cup of tea on the couch. I
t had been too long since it was just the two of us, undistracted. "It's just you and me tonight, buddy. I've missed you."
He nuzzled into my chin and rubbed his head on my face. “What do you think of Tim? He’s a nice guy, huh? I think I’m in love with him. Crazy, isn’t it? I never thought there would be anyone I could trust. He’s as close to perfect as it gets. You know what else? I saw my grandma the other day…I never would have done that without him.
“I’ve got a few friends from work and I feel good about how life is going.” I reached up to my necklace and held the broken heart between my fingers and rubbed the metal. “I just need to find Gabriel now. I just have a feeling I’ll be able to find him. I just want to make sure he’s OK. He’s a man now…I wonder where he lives…or even what his name is.”
Gabriel’s snoring took over the conversation. There was something calming about feeling his chest rise and fall against mine. If only in those moments I knew our love was enough to get us both through the tough times, just like the love I had found in Tim and now in Sonya, Maggie and Norma...who knows…maybe even Jane. The circle I had kept so empty was suddenly filling up with people I wanted to spend my time with. There was so much to make up for in the last sixteen years. I was sure to make every moment count.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
I arrived at the hospital early to have extra time to spend with Jane. As I walked down the hall to her room, I wondered if I would even find her. My thoughts echoed throughout the hallway as I got closer to her room. I should have stopped by over the weekend; she might have been lonely or sad. She might have decided getting clean wasn't worth the work.
As the thoughts kept creeping in, I knocked on the door, hoping to find Jane. No answer came and every thought I had on the way in multiplied into every horrible scenario. I pulled back the yellow curtain to find Jane fast asleep in her bed, the TV on with just a whisper escaping the screen. I turned to walk away to get caught up on work from the long weekend when I heard Jane's voice. "Hey, stranger, don't go."
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