Boundaries

by Jessica Aiken-Hall

  “No idea…the dumb bitch stole my van and left. I haven’t seen her for a few weeks now. She hasn’t even called.”

  “How long had she been living here?”

  He scratched his stomach as his eyes looked up at the ceiling. “I’m not sure…a couple years, maybe.”

  “And Carmen, did she live here the whole time, too?”

  "Yeah, she was here until, well, you know."

  “Did Carmen have a boyfriend?”

  “She never brought anyone here, if that’s what you’re asking.”

  “Did you know Carmen was pregnant when she died?”

  “What? Are you fucking lying? How the hell could she have been pregnant?”

  “I assume you know how that works.”

  The color drained from his face. “Are you sure? I mean, how do you know?”

  “The medical examiner told us she was pregnant, although not that far along, but still enough to get DNA to see who the father was.”

  “Why does that matter? They’re both dead. Why does it matter who the father is?”

  “Well, he might want to know. Don’t you think? Wouldn’t you want to know?”

  “What other questions do you want to know? And when do I get my $50?”

  “Seth, I know you were the father. Now, can you just tell me about your relationship?”

  “Why the fuck does it matter? She was legal, it shouldn’t matter.”

  “I’m not saying it does. I’m just asking questions. Did Jane know you and Carmen were in a relationship?”

  “Yeah, it was her idea. You know…when she couldn’t pay the rent, she offered Carmen up…I wasn’t going to take her up on the offer, but Carmen wanted it…she was in love with me.”

  “And you? Were you in love with her?”

  “What?” He paused. “Well…I guess I did care about her. I miss her so much. I had no clue she was pregnant. I had no idea she was going to kill herself.”

  “Do you know of anyone who would have wanted to hurt Carmen?”

  “No…well, other than her mom. But Jane’s all talk.”

  “What do you mean? All talk?”

  "She was always a bitch to Carmen. Telling her she was too ugly to get a man of her own…pissed off that she didn't protest fucking me. I think she was mad that she knew we had better chemistry. I’d rather be with Carmen, but Jane didn’t want to hear it.” He crossed his arms against his chest and swayed back and forth. "I guess I did love her." A single teardrop made its way down his scruffy cheek.

  His words presented a new reality, I just wasn't sure I could believe him. Why would he tell me all this, only for $50? I didn't expect to see him as human. I wanted so badly to keep him as the monster I had thought he was, but now, I didn’t even know who the monster was. I took a step closer to Seth and placed my hand on his back. "I'm sorry you lost someone you love. I know how hard that is."

  With his right hand, he unfolded his arms and rubbed the tears that had pooled on the tip of his nose. "Yeah, it really does suck, and then with Jane’s bullshit, it doesn’t help at all. She had this big act of how much she misses her, you know? She just does that shit to get attention.”

  “I’m sure it’s been hard for her, too. She lost her daughter.”

  “That doesn’t matter to her, she wasn’t even good to Carmen. All Jane cares about is herself.”

  “Do you remember the day Carmen died? At the hospital?”

  "Yeah, of course, I do."

  “Do you remember seeing me in the room? I was there when you and Jane were in the room with Carmen.”

  “I really can’t remember the details, I wasn’t in a good space, you know?”

  “I understand. I remember you were agitated; you were very rude to me...and it looked like you were high, or something.”

  “Jesus Christ lady, I just found out the woman I loved was dead, how the fuck was I supposed to act?”

  “Yeah, I get that. To me, it looked like you had something to hide.”

  “I don’t like hospitals, or cops, or any of that shit. I probably was high, too...that’s never good when you have to talk to the cops.”

  I replayed that day over in my mind, to try to see it from a different perspective. Jane was so convincing. Seth had guilty written all over him and his actions. It didn't seem like he was the same guy from that day. Can people really change that much? How could I have been such a poor judge of character? Something still didn't feel right. How could I have been so wrong? “Are you still using?”

  “What does that even matter? Is that part of the $50 questions?”

  “Sorry, no... you just seem so different to me today then you did the last time. I just wanted to know why.”

  “After Carmen died, I’ve been trying to get clean…but it’s not easy…especially when all Jane wanted to do was get high.”

  “So, you were high the last time I saw you, but you’re not today?”

  He hesitated with his response as he ran his fingers through his greasy hair. “Yeah, I guess. But wouldn’t you have been, too?”

  “Were you here when it all happened? When Carmen…when she…took the pills and cut herself?”

  “Wait a minute…took the pills…Carmen didn’t take any pills; she wouldn’t do that.”

  I realized my slip up after it was too late. “Oh, that’s right, I must be thinking about a different case.”

  "Don't fuck with me…it's not the wrong case, is it? Jesus fucken Christ." He shook his head as his eyes closed. "You gotta tell me the truth about this. Carmen would never take pills, never. She hated them. I mean, she slit her wrists, why would she take pills, too? But fucken Jane." His head hung down. "Jane told me once she wanted to kill someone …she said all she would have to do is make it look like an overdose." His hand covered his mouth.

  Could it be true, all that Seth had told me? It was all so hard to believe. How could a mother do that to her own child? Thoughts of my own mother came rushing into my mind. I felt the heat flood my body as rage set in. I didn’t even know what to believe anymore. "Jane told you that? That she wanted to kill someone? Did she ever say who?"

  "Not exactly…I mean, every time she got pissed off at someone, she talked about killing them. I guess there were a few times she said it about Carmen, but…how could she really do it? You don't think Carmen killed herself, do you? That's why you're really here, isn't it?"

  I hadn’t expected the conversation to end up here. I wasn’t really sure what I expected to come from the visit. I just wanted answers, answers Jane wouldn’t give me. “No…I just wanted to ask some questions…to get to know her better. We wanted to make sure we did everything we could to make sure the hospital was not liable for her death. I appreciate your time.”

  “Am I still going to get the $50? I did answer a lot of questions.”

  "Of course. Just let me get that for you." Luckily I had cash in my wallet because I didn't want to write a check and give him my information. I pulled out two twenty-dollar bills and a tattered ten from my purse and brought it back to Seth. "Thank you again. And I'm sorry for your loss. Make sure you take care of yourself. Have a nice night."

  As I backed out of the driveway, I couldn’t help thinking about all he shared with me. I wasn’t sure if I was happy to have this new information or if I was better off without it. One thing I did walk away with is even more certainty Carmen’s death was not a suicide. But, could I trust Seth? Or Jane? How would I ever get the truth?

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Sitting in my driveway, I called Tim. I had to talk to someone about what Seth had said. He was the only one who would understand. After the third ring, Tim’s voice came on the line asking me to leave a voice mail. All the breath I had been holding since I left Seth’s filled the car in a heavy sigh. “Hi Tim, it’s Val... I need to talk to you. Please call me back. Love you.”

  I leaned into the car to get my tote bag, banging my head on the way out. I slammed the door shut and tears streamed from my eyes as sobs followed.
Get a hold of yourself, Val. The thought I needed Tim made me weak in the knees. It had been a long time since I could depend on anyone, and the desperation it brought was not something I missed.

  “Well, well, well, look who decided to come home and eat dinner with her boyfriend. It’s probably cold by now.” Sitting on the steps to my apartment next to a paper bag, Tim stood up when he saw my tears. “Hey, Val, I’m only joking around, what’s wrong?”

  I fell into his arms and sobbed as his jacket caught my tears like a tissue. “I’m just so happy to see you. I just left you a message. I’m so glad you’re here.”

  “Is everything alright? What happened to you today?”

  "It's a long story." I kissed his cheek and then took his hand to bring him inside. Gabriel was waiting for me and meowing for dinner. "Hey, buddy." I scooped him up and kissed his head as he rubbed against my chin. "I'm so glad to have both of my boys with me tonight. You are staying, right?"

  "Are you talking to the cat or me?" A laugh followed as he set down our dinner on the table.

  “Funny...but it wasn’t long ago he was all I had. And, his name is Gabriel, not cat.” I kissed Gabe one last time before setting him on the floor so I could fill his dish with kibble. “Isn’t that right, Gabriel?”

  "Whoa, I'll back off." He held both of his hands by his face and took a step back.

  “You’re a nut...but I love you anyway.”

  Tim took out two plates and put the cold Chinese on them. “Do you want to heat this up?”

  “No, it’s good cold. Thanks for always knowing when I need you. You’re a lifesaver, even if you are a smartass.”

  He winked at me. "See, I know things. Let's go eat while you tell me about your day." We made our way into the living room, both of us found our usual spot on the couch and started our dinner. Tim stood up. "I forgot something." He walked to the refrigerator and took out two Sam Adams and held them up for me to see.

  “It’s like you can read my mind.”

  “Scary, isn’t it?” A smile spread across his face as he handed me a bottle.

  “Nah, I like it.”

  Silence filled the room as we ate our dinner. I didn’t know how to tell him I ended up at Seth’s, or better yet, why I went there. The truth was, I didn’t even know why. My obsession with Carmen and getting her justice felt like it was taking over my life. Reaching for my necklace, I pulled it away from my chest and held the broken heart in my hand. This was my reason, it was my reason for everything I do.

  Tim set his plate on the coffee table and turned to look at me. “You’re awfully quiet for someone who has a long story to tell.”

  “I guess it’s not that long... or exciting...”

  "Spill it, Val, you can't leave me hanging like that. You were too upset about it to stay inside of your head. You'd tell Gabriel...so just pretend I'm him." He put his hand up to his mouth and pretended to lick it and rubbed it on the side of his head. "Meow."

  “Oh my God, you’re insane.” Laughter helped ease my nerves as I looked for a way to tell him where I had been. After a loud sigh, I started. “Promise not to get upset and I'll tell you.”

  He raised his eyebrows. “Promise.”

  “Remember the report you showed me, Carmen's toxicology?"

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, you know me...you know I can't just drop anything...so I went to Jane’s room to ask her a few questions. She got pissed off at me for meddling...so I tricked her into giving me Seth’s address.”

  “I don’t think I like where this is heading. Please tell me you didn’t go see him.”

  “I’d be lying if I did. But, before you get mad, just let me finish.” I waited a few seconds until he looked like he would listen. “I did go to Seth’s and we did talk...but you’ll never guess what he told me...”

  “Let me try, he’s innocent, he didn’t beat up Jane, he loved Carmen. Am I close?” He tilted his head to the side as he raised his right eyebrow.

  “Not exactly, but close enough, I guess...but just listen for a minute. He did say all that stuff, but he said Carmen would never take pills, he even showed me bottles of Jane’s Xanax. And, he said Jane had talked about wanting to kill people...even Carmen a few times.”

  “So, now you think Jane killed her? Her own daughter?”

  “No, I’m not saying that. I just don’t know what to think. I hated Seth....but this visit made me see him differently. He’s really hurting. He even said he’s trying to get clean.”

  “And you honestly believe him?”

  “I know how crazy it sounds. I’m not even sure. I just saw him differently. Last time I despised him, I couldn’t wait for him to leave, I knew in my gut that he was the reason Carmen was in that bed. But now, I don’t know what to think.”

  "So, he's either a terrific liar, Jane's a monster, or Carmen really did do it."

  "Yeah, that's what I'm left with. I know in my heart Carmen didn't do it herself. What I don't know is who to believe. Jane has issues…lots of them…but she's a mom, moms are supposed to love their kids, no matter what. But I know first-hand that's not always how it works. And then there's Seth, a junkie with anger problems, but that wasn't a fair judgment. I just feel so lost. I knew for sure Seth had something to do with it, but now…I have no idea."

  “The sad part is, it really doesn’t matter.” He paused when he saw my mouth drop open. “I mean…of course it matters, but without a body, we can’t charge anyone. So, whoever did this will get away with it. The only punishment they will get is from their own guilt.”

  “I doubt they will even have that…obviously they didn’t care about right and wrong before, I doubt it will even phase them. He didn’t even know she was pregnant…but he admitted it was his.”

  “So, her mom is sleeping with the father of her grandchild? That’s just messed up.”

  “Yeah, it’s all just gross.” I put the cold amber bottle up to my lips and took a sip. “I think I’m going to need a few of these tonight.”

  “I’m kind of worried about you, Val. Carmen’s case is taking up all of your time. It seems like she’s all you think about. I know you want to give her justice, but what if you can’t?”

  "I know, this case just feels so close to my heart. She was so young and beautiful. Her life was wasted. From all I've heard, it doesn't seem she had much love in her life; I just wanted to give her one last hurrah. I guess it's stupid." With one long chug, my first beer was gone. I didn’t think there were enough to help take this off my mind.

  "No, you're not stupid. You just have a huge heart and you want to see the right thing happen. But it seems like that happens less and less these days. I love you; I don't want this to drive you crazy or consume you. There are more people who are living, who need you and your heart." He leaned over and kissed me. I wasn't ready to let go of what he had said. I sure wasn't prepared to give up on Carmen, not yet. Not ever.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  As the ladies arrived for group, I couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling of not knowing. I wished I had a shut off for my thoughts at times. Tim was right, I was obsessed with Carmen, but if not me, who? The fire that burned inside me was now so intense the intensity from the flames was heating my flesh. It was more than anger or revenge; now the fire had lit my desire for vengeance.

  “Any word on Jane?” Sonya’s question took me out of my head and got my focus back to the group.

  "I went and saw her after Thanksgiving and she was doing well. She has been discharged and is at rehab, she said she wants to be her best self."

  “Oh, that’s just lovely. I’m so happy to hear that.” The smile on Norma’s face gave me the comfort I had been missing and put a smile on mine.

  "It doesn't even feel like she's part of this group." Maggie paused. "I don't mean to be disrespectful or anything, but I kind of like it with just the four of us. Jane's kind of a…"

  “Drama queen?” Sonya interrupted. “Yeah, I totally agree, she’s not like us. I’m glad she’s not
here.”

  “Oh, stop it, don’t be rude. She’s been through a lot. We just have to give her time.” Norma looked over at me to chime in, except I wasn’t sure they were wrong. This group was so much better without her.

  "So, tell me, how was shopping?" I hoped changing the subject would drop the chatter about Jane.

  “It was so much fun. We got some great stuff for Maggie’s girls.” Sonya elbowed Maggie. “We also got some awesome stuff for us big girls, too.”

  “It was fun, but I don’t think I want to go Black Friday shopping for a long time…there were so many people, but I can’t remember a time I’ve had so much fun. It’s been a long time since I’ve been one of the girls.” Norma’s eyes sparkled as she looked over at Maggie and Sonya.

  "The girls stayed at Norma's while we went shopping. It was so nice to feel like they were safe and not worry about them. Norma's right, there were a lot of people, but it was still so much fun. I can't believe these ladies have kind of adopted my girls. It's a nice feeling after being away from my family for so long." Maggie pulled out a tissue and dabbed her eyes.

  "It sounds like I missed out on a great time. I'm glad you all had such a good time. We are becoming a nice little family. I've got to say, I agree with Maggie, it's been a while since I've felt this connected to anyone. Thank you, ladies, for being so caring and thoughtful." My heart was full as I thought about our time at Norma’s. This group had become something I looked forward to each week. I was so glad Jeanine forced me into it.

  “We’ve already planned Christmas; you should join us.” Sonya sat on her hands as she leaned forward to await my response.

  “I might have plans, but if not, I’d love to join you. I want to know all the gifts the girls are going to get. Sounds like they’ll be surprised.”

  "Yeah, they sure will. They had just as much fun at Norma's as we did. It's been so long since I've seen them happy and carefree." Maggie pulled up another tissue and pushed it against her nose.

  “Do you want to tell her the news, dear? Or should I?” Norma seemed just as antsy as Sonya.