"I'll tell her. Norma invited the girls and me to move in with her. After talking with the girls, they think it's a great idea. It will be such a big help, and the girls just love Norma."
“What’s not to love?” I smiled as I thought about the hope this group had brought these ladies, who just a few short weeks ago were strangers.
Norma giggled and her cheeks reddened. "It will be such a relief to have a full house. It gets so lonely in that place. I'm looking forward to cooking dinner and being a family."
“That’s so nice. I’m so happy for all of you. Sometimes the families we pick are way better than the ones we are given. This sounds like a great solution for both of you.”
"The more you talk about it, the more I think I want to come, too." Sonya's smile made it unclear if she was being honest or just being Sonya.
“You know you’re always welcome.” Norma put her hand to her heart. “We’re family, even if you don’t live under the same roof. I’m afraid you’re stuck with me.”
“I’m just teasing, I need my own space. I love you all, but sometimes I just need to be alone.”
“I totally understand that, Sonya. My alone time helps recharge me.”
“Yeah, exactly.” Sonya nodded her head in agreement.
The more they talked, the more I realized Sonya was right—Jane didn’t fit in with the rest of us. Norma, Maggie and Sonya were all capable of loving each other, but I wasn’t so sure Jane would ever be capable of loving anyone. It was nice knowing she wasn't going to appear in the middle of the group or come in and take it over. I hoped rehab helped her see how different life could be. If all goes well, it would be a few weeks before Jane would be around. The program she went to was 90 days. That might be enough time for our bond to grow even closer, without the interruptions. These ladies had enough of their own issues to work on, without having the burden of Jane's unpredictability. Her sobriety would be good for all of us.
“I just wanted to thank you again for sharing part of your story with us. It helped me trust you more.” Maggie’s voice trailed off as she finished speaking.
“I kind of felt bad for unloading that all on you. I’m not usually the one doing the sharing. It was nice to tell people who understand. Most people wouldn’t get it, but I know you all know what it’s like to be taken advantage of and hurt.”
"I've been thinking about what you said about your grandma and I think you should go see her. You know, sometimes we are left with regret when we could have prevented that pain with a simple visit or call." Norma held out her hand for me to hold as I felt the warm tears seep out of my eyes. "Honey, you only get one chance at this life, make sure you aren't filled with regret when it's your time to return home if you know what I mean." She squeezed my hand tight as our eyes connected.
She was right. The minute we left my gram's, I knew I wanted to see her again. Regret replaced the fire inside me. It wasn't fair. I had to give up my life because my mom didn't support me. I shouldn't have been the one punished. The only way to stop the punishment was to spend as much time with my gram as I could before she returned home. I knew what I had to do. I knew where I had to spend Christmas. The fire returned, with a new vengeance this time.
Chapter Thirty-Three
I picked up my phone as my memory punched in the familiar numbers. As the phone on the other end rang, I froze as I waited to hear her voice. “Hello. You have reached Peter and Hellen; we can’t come to the phone right now…”
The phone dropped on my desk as the unfamiliar voice reminded me, she had moved. I returned the phone to the cradle and thought about my options. I didn't want to just arrive as Stephanie Mills again, I wanted to be myself. I wanted a relationship with the only person from my past who showed me love. I searched the computer to see if I could locate her new number, but the only listing that appeared was the number I already knew. A visit might be the only way to gain access to her. My only hope is that her memory was bad enough to have forgotten the visit Tim and I made a few weeks ago.
My mother was not going to hold me prisoner any longer. If I wanted to see my gram, I would. The fear of seeing her or Chad was no longer strong enough to keep me hidden away. With Norma's encouragement, I knew what I needed to do. It was what I should have done years ago. I was just so grateful I had the opportunity to do it now.
I picked up the phone again, this time dialing an inside extension. “Jeanine, hey, it’s Val, I need to leave early today…I…ah…have an urgent matter I need to tend to.”
She didn’t care that I was leaving, as long as I had my work done. That was all she cared about, and the morgue was slow lately. Not too many deaths had been taking up my time. As much as I loved that part of my job, I was glad I had more time to focus on the group and forming relationships with the ladies. The line between being professional and being human was getting fuzzier every day. Once it became the least bit unclear, there was no turning back. Boundaries had been crossed and I wasn’t willing to uncross them. I enjoyed it too much on this side of the ethical code. What would it hurt anyway?
As long as I acted with the best interest of my clients, I didn’t see anything wrong with crossing the lines every now and then. It sure made life a lot more interesting. I grabbed my tote bag, shoved my arms through the sleeves of my winter coat and headed for the parking lot.
The drive didn't seem to take as long as it had before. Bluebird Lane appeared after a long car ride driven by thoughts and memories. Not fear. I would never allow fear to dictate my life again. It was time I started living. As I turned off the ignition, I took a long breath before exhaling it. It was only then that I wished I had brought Tim with me. What was there to be scared of? I was not allowing any more of my life to be stolen. Today started a new chapter. Today, I was in control.
Once out of my car, I started down the paved path to her door. They all looked the same, but I remembered which door belonged to her. The last visit was etched into my memory. I had wanted to return since the day we left. One last deep breath before my knuckles hit the wooden door. "Come in." Without hesitation, I opened the door and stepped inside. She was sitting in the same navy recliner with a book in her lap, the TV off. Frozen, I stood as I tried to catch my breath enough to find words. "Do I know you?" Her eyes squinted up at me.
I nodded my head as I tried to speak. “Yes, you do…I’m…” The pressure behind my eyes pushed out tears. “It’s me, Gram, it’s Valerie.”
Her squinted eyes widened. “Valerie? No, that can’t be. Valerie? My baby girl?”
I walked over to her chair and dropped to my knees. “Yes, Gram, it’s really me. I’ve missed you so much.”
“Valerie? But Elaine told me you died. She told me I’d never see you again.” Her hand covered her mouth as tears moistened her glasses. “Valerie?”
“Yes, Gram, it’s really me.” I placed my hands on her knees and looked up at her. “Elaine was lying to you. She’s the reason I’ve been away, but I’ve missed you so much.”
“I don’t know what to think. Oh, honey, I’m so glad to see you. I’ve missed you, too. I didn’t think I’d ever see you again. Oh, my goodness.” She put her hands on top of mine. “Oh, Valerie, you’re a gift from God.”
"So are you, Gram." I tilted my head to kiss the top of her hand. The warmth from her frail skin brought comfort to me that I had been missing. She wrapped me in her arms, encasing me in enough love to make up for all of the years we had been apart. She was the one person I regretted leaving and now, after all these years, I get to have her back in my life.
“Tell me about your life, Valerie. How have you been?”
I stood up and found a place to sit on the couch across from her. “I’ve been good. I went to college and I’m a social worker in a hospital. Work keeps me pretty busy, so there’s not a lot of time for much of anything else.
“Do you have a husband? Children?”
My hand went to my necklace. "No, Gram. I do have a nice man that I've been dating. You'd like h
im. He's funny and kind."
“Well, that’s nice. I’m glad you’re happy.” Her eyes drifted across the room to a picture of my mom and Chad. “Why would Elaine tell me you were dead?”
Gram didn’t know the evil my mother was capable of; she only knew how unpleasant it could be if she disobeyed her. I never told her about anything; I didn’t want to taint the love she had for her daughter. “I don’t know, Gram. I don’t think she ever really liked me. Maybe she wished I was dead.”
“But I don’t understand. Why would she do such a thing? Have you talked to her? I’m sure she’d love to see you.”
“No, I don’t think that would be a good idea. I think we should keep this between us. I don’t want to see mom.”
“She probably wouldn’t believe me anyway. She thinks I’m senile…and to be fair, I do have my moments.”
“We all do, Gram. Being forgetful is normal, don’t let her get to you.” I felt my body temperature rise as I imagined what she had been telling my gram. “Does Elaine visit you often?”
"Not really. She sends a nurse in to take care of me, but I don't see her very often. Only on holidays. She drops by for a quick visit and then has to leave. I don't know why she bothers."
“How about Chad? Does he come by?”
“No. I’m not sure the last time I saw him. I know he’s very busy with work and I don’t mind…he’s never been a favorite of mine.”
“So, can this be our little secret?”
“If that means you keep coming to visit and you don’t disappear again.” Gram’s smile softened. “I don’t want to lose you again.”
"I never want to lose you, Gram."
“Oh, honey, you do know I’m an old lady, right?”
Her words felt like a weight on my chest. “I know. As long as you’re living, I want you in my life. I never stopped needing you, even after all these years. I always dreamed about being with you again.”
“What kept you away? What were you running from?”
I forced a fake smile as I searched for a believable answer.
“Did your mom do something to hurt you? I know she’s difficult sometimes. Was it her you were trying to escape from?”
I nodded my head, not knowing what else to say. “Yeah, she wasn’t very supportive…I didn’t want to be hurt anymore. I didn’t know what else to do, so I disappeared. There was no other option at the time.”
“I understand. She has gotten meaner as every year passes…so talking with her wouldn’t be a good idea.” Her eyes drifted away from mine. “I’m sorry she hurt you. I would have tried to make it right for you.”
“I know Gram. I just didn’t know what to do and I didn’t want to upset you. I didn’t think it through, I just ran. It was the only way I knew to keep myself safe. As the years passed, I wanted to come back, but I wasn’t sure how.”
"It's okay, Valerie, I'm just glad you're here now."
I was grateful for Norma's push. Without it, fear would have kept me paralyzed until it was too late. I felt a shift inside my body as more of the broken pieces mended from the love in my life. It was near perfect. The only part missing now was Gabriel. I could only hope he would be as understanding as Gram had been.
“What do you have planned for Christmas?”
“I think Elaine is stopping by. She said something about going out to dinner, but I never know what time she will show up.”
“When did she stop making Christmas dinner?”
“Oh, I don’t know. It’s been like this for a while now. Sometimes she brings Chad, sometimes she’s alone.”
“Hmmm. Do you think they’re happy? Mom and Chad?”
“It’s hard to say, but they don’t seem to spend as much time together.”
Hearing there might be troubles in their relationship brought a smile to my face. I had always imagined nothing could come between their love. The bond they had when I was at home was the thing that came between my mother and me. There was nothing I could say to make her listen to me, no matter what he did. And for what? For her to lose me? For me to lose contact with my gram? It was all just a disaster waiting to crumble. I should have known perfect couldn’t last forever when it was all based on lies and manipulation. “That’s too bad.” I managed to spit out.
“Is it?” Her smile brought me back to my childhood.
My smirk said more than I could have managed.
“It’s so nice to have you back. Please make sure you come back.”
“You couldn’t keep me away…not again. I’m glad you won’t be alone for Christmas.”
“What are your plans?”
“I think I’ll be meeting my boyfriend’s mom.”
“Oh…that sounds exciting.” The sparkle in her eyes took away some of my reservations about it.
“Yeah…or terrifying. This is a first for me…I’ve never dated before, but Tim is worth it.”
“All these years and you’ve never dated anyone? You’ve been all alone this whole time?” Her smile faded. “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry your life has been so lonely.”
"It's okay, Gram. It wasn't that bad. I keep pretty busy at work and I have a cat." Crap. He must be hungry. The urgency of this visit made me forget everything else. I pulled my cell phone out of my jacket pocket to find three missed calls and two texts. I hadn't told anyone where I was going. "Speaking of the little guy, I have to get going, so I can feed him dinner." My mind went to the missed calls and my heart raced as I stood up to put my coat on. A slight tremble in my hands made it impossible to zip it. I snapped the top and bottom buttons to keep it closed before entering the frigid air. "I love you, Gram. I am so happy to have you back in my life. Oh, before I forget, can I have your phone number? You want to hear something funny? I picked up the phone before I came and dialed your old number…I guess there are some things we never forget."
I punched the numbers into my contacts as she rattled them off. “I’m glad, too. See you soon?”
"I'll be looking forward to it." I closed the door behind me as I dialed my voicemail. All three messages were Tim. I hadn't ever had someone worried enough to leave me so many messages. In my car, I sent him a quick text letting him know I was alright and on my way home. I wished I had given him a key so he could feed Gabriel. He was who I really would have to answer to when I arrived home late. Poor guy.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Valentine's Day was never a day I cared for. Being perpetually single does that to a person. This year, though, Tim told me he would change my outlook on the day, forever. The one thing that came to mind was not something I was ready for, or at least it was not something I ever thought would happen. Meeting his mom at Christmas was not nearly as bad as I had imagined. It was easy to see where Tim got his charm. She was eager to please, but not too pushy. Whatever this surprise was, he said his mom approved. That alone was enough to cause my thoughts to spin out of control.
All the commercialism from the day made me as nauseous as the smell of cheap drug store chocolates. We'd only been dating a few months; it was way too soon to go the route my mind was taking me. And if he thought the day a baby flew around with a diaper shooting arrows into schmucks was a good day for it...I already knew my answer. I could hear my gram’s voice reminding me it was the thought that counts...but this seemed as though there wasn’t any thought at all. I mean, how many people get engaged on Valentine’s Day? That can’t take that much thought. Years of cynicism took way longer to snap out of than I would have imagined.
I was able to make it through the day without a special flower delivery at work, and now the moment Tim had me prepare for all day was finally here. A quick knock on the door caught Gabriel’s attention before I knew where the sound was coming from. The door swung open, with Tim standing with the usual large, white box filled with pizza. No flowers, no candy, no oversized stuffed animal. So far, there didn’t seem to be anything to worry about. “Happy Valentine’s Day.” My voice was as chipper as I could manage.
“Really?
I thought you didn’t celebrate the day of love.”
“But I thought you did. You’ve had me wondering all day what you have up your sleeve. I thought the least I could do was greet you properly.”
"Nope, not today. I changed my plans. Today is just another amazing day with my love. I love you every day, Val, I don't need a special holiday to show you."
“So...no surprise? You had me on my toes all day...for nothing?”
“Not nothing. I am respecting your wishes. Did I do something wrong? Should I have disobeyed you and done something cheesy? Damn it.”
"No. Not at all. Pizza and murder shows with you sounds like a perfect day. Thank you for loving me enough to listen."
“I do love you. My goal is to help you see the beauty in letting me spoil you some Valentine’s Day, but I will be patient.”
“That could take years.”
“That’s okay, I have time.”
I didn’t notice how big the smile on my face had grown until Tim traced it with his index finger. “I guess that’s the best gift you could give me; an endless supply of your time.”
"Sounds perfect to me." He pulled me into a hug, and the warmth and safety of his arms were just what I had been missing. "I love you, Val."
“Love you back. Want to eat? I’m starving.”
“There she is. My awkward little lady.” His eyes met mine.
“Ouch. Good thing you’re so cute, or you might have just gotten yourself into trouble.” His head fell back as his laughter filled the room.
Tim carried the pizza and plates into the living room and flipped the TV on to the Oxygen channel. I brought a six-pack of cold beer in and settled into my spot on the couch. "You know, you had me worried all day that you were going to..."
“Going to what?” His question was muffled by a mouth full of pizza.
“Umm...going to...send me flowers at work.”
He raised his eyebrows. “What were you really going to say?” The color of his face matched the sauce on the pizza.
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