My cheeks matched his as I tried to find my way out of the conversation I started. “Oh, nothing. You just had me nervous about what you had planned, that’s all.”
“What did you think I had planned?”
“I told you...flowers.”
“I don’t believe you. Please, just tell me what made you so nervous?”
The heat in my cheeks had spread to my ears and down my neck. "It's dumb...I shouldn't have said anything."
"Well, now, you have to."
“This pizza hits the spot tonight.”
“Val.”
“Ahh...I thought you were going to propose tonight.” My eyes went to the TV to avoid eye contact.
“Hmmm. And that made you nervous? So, you don’t want to marry me?”
“I didn’t say that. I guess I was just nervous you were going to do it on one of my least favorite days. I guess the real issue wasn’t the question, only the timing. And now I’ve made things super uncomfortable.”
“So, if I were to ask you on any other day, you’d say yes?”
“What?”
“If I asked you to marry me any other day, your answer would be yes?”
“You’ll have to wait and see. I can’t answer a hypothetical question...not that one anyway.”
“Noted.”
The silence in the room was only masked by the sounds of our chewing. I wished there was a way to rewind the night and take back everything I had said. Tim seemed hurt by what I said or didn't say. "I'm sorry I'm so awkward."
“You’re not the awkward one, I’m sorry I made you worry all day for nothing.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I wasn’t thinking.”
“You didn’t hurt my feelings. I’m good.” His expression didn’t match his words.
He turned up the TV as an episode of Snapped came on. I nuzzled up next to him and pulled the blanket off the back of the couch and covered up. His arm rested on my hip as I placed my head on his chest. The episode played without conversation, and I wasn't sure how to get the normalcy back. I knew talking wasn't the way to fix it, so I let my mind wander to every what-if possibility.
At midnight Tim turned off the TV. “It’s not Valentine’s Day anymore. I think it’s safe to go to bed now.”
I sat up and stretched as a yawn escaped. “Okay, I am pretty tired.”
Tim took my hand to keep me from leaving the room. “Umm...can you just wait a minute?”
After another stretch and yawn, when I opened my eyes, Tim was on one knee in front of me. My heart raced, the sound from my heartbeat echoing in my ears. “So, like I said, it’s February 15th now, not Valentine's Day, and, umm...I love you, Val, more than I've ever loved anyone. We're the perfect pair. Your sarcasm and my quick wit...or the other way around...but, anyway, Val, will you marry me?"
"Oh, my God. You sneaky little..."
“Hey, I listened, I was patient...so? What’s your answer to the not so hypothetical question?”
“Yes...I’d be happy to be your awkward wife.” Unable to fully comprehend what just happened, I held out my shaking hand as Tim slipped the ring on. “Oh, it’s beautiful.”
"It was my gram's ring. My mom gave it to me after she met you at Christmas. She knew right away you are the one I want to spend the rest of my life with."
“Wow...you’ve been planning this since then?”
“Val, I love you and I can’t imagine my life without you in it. I know how important it is to live in the moment. Why wait when everything is so right?”
“This is why you were so...strange earlier? Because I read your mind?” I held out my hand to help him up off his knee. He leaned over and kissed me.
"Yeah...I was nervous; it was still bad timing. I've been a nervous wreck for months trying to plan something when I just figured you wouldn't want anything fancy. The best bet was to do it in private...but I also knew you hate Valentine's Day...but I just couldn't wait any longer."
“Fair enough. We can celebrate our anniversary on fifty percent off chocolate day. That’s a much better day.”
“And this is why I love you.”
Chapter Thirty-Five
A knock on my office door made me jump, causing my elbow to hit my cup of coffee, spilling it all over the files on my desk. Shit. I placed tissues on the mess and pushed the files to the floor to save them from any further damage. “Just a minute.” Who the hell could be at the door? I kicked the files into a pile and did a quick scan of my office. It was in the normal state of chaos, not suitable for company. "Who is it?" My hand went to the door handle as I waited for the response.
“Val? It’s Jane.”
“Jane?” I opened the door to confirm her identity. “How did you get down here?” I stuck my head out into the hall to look around. She was the only one in the hall. “Hang on, let me get my stuff and we can go upstairs to talk.”
“No. I want to talk down here, that’s why I’m here.” Jane’s voice was quiet.
“I don’t usually meet with people down here.”
“It’s okay, I don’t mind. Besides, I want some privacy.”
I hesitated as long as I could before I held the door open. “Okay, but just this once. When did you get back? Has it been 90 days already?”
"Time flies, huh?" She sat on the edge of the chair in front of my desk to avoid the pile stacked in it.
I walked over behind her and took the books and files out of the chair and placed them on top of the bookshelf next to my desk. "Sorry, Jane, people don't usually come down here." I made my way to my desk and picked up the files I had just tossed on the floor before I sat down. “So... how was it? How did it go?”
“Pretty good. I made it the whole time...and I feel pretty good.” She pushed herself back into the chair.
“That’s great, Jane. I’m proud of you.” Thoughts of the conversation with Seth lingered in my mind.
“Thanks. I learned a lot about myself.”
“I’m glad to hear that. I think it’s good to take a step back and find ourselves every once in a while.”
“Yeah. I know the situations I need to stay out of. I know I don’t want to use again...it was hell getting clean...I never want to do that again.” She crossed her legs and played with her shoe as it dangled over her knee.
“Where will you be living? I can’t imagine you’d want to...”
Her eyes squinted up at me. “Want to what?”
"Oh, nothing. Just being nosey. But, if you need help finding a place to live, I could help."
“I think it’ll be okay to go home. I mean, Seth stopped using, too. I just want to start over.” She shifted in her chair.
“Have you talked with Seth yet? About coming home?”
"No... I thought it would be better to just surprise him...I'm sure he missed me."
“Sounds like you are all set. So, what can I help you with?” I smiled to mask the frustration in my voice.
“Well, that's why I’m here. You were my first stop. We worked with the twelve-step program...and I'm stuck on the fifth step. I hope you can help me with it.”
“Twelve steps, like in AA? What can I do to help?” My guard went up as the conversation I had with Seth came back to me. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be alone with her, at least not down here.
“Well, the fifth step is where I have to admit my wrongs to God, myself and another person. When I thought about this thing I need to clear up, I knew you were the one I had to tell.”
My mouth went dry as I waited for her to tell me what I didn’t want to hear. “Okay...I’m ready.” I hoped she couldn’t hear the tremor in my voice.
“Well...” She paused as she played with the sleeve of her sweatshirt. “The worst thing I did involves something I did...to Carmen.” Her eyes looked up to meet mine.
I took a deep breath in and hesitated before I exhaled it. "Okay."
“And, well...the reason I got so mad at you about asking so many questions...and stuff...is because...I... umm.” She pause
d and closed her eyes. “I did it.”
“Did what?” My breathing increased as I held my lips tight together.
“I did it. I killed Carmen.”
“But Jane, why? Why would you want to hurt your own child?”
"She just had a way of getting under my skin...and when I found out she was pregnant, I knew I had to get rid of her...before Seth got rid of me. So, in a way, I guess it was self-defense."
“Self-defense? How?”
“Well, if I didn’t kill her, he would have killed me.” Her eyes stayed wide open as they stared into me.
“How did you do it? I mean, the police thought it looked like a suicide.”
"That was my plan. I didn't want anyone to know. I crushed up a bunch of my pills and put it in some ginger ale. She told me she wasn't feeling well, so I knew she would drink it because she always did when she was a little girl. After she passed out it didn’t look like it was working fast enough, so I took a razor blade and cut her wrists.” Her eyes stared ahead as she waited for my response.
“And the note you showed me?”
“I wrote it and made her sign it before she passed out. Well, I used her hand to sign it. She wasn’t able to do it herself.”
“Does anyone else know what you did?” I rubbed the bridge of my nose.
“Just you and God.” Her affect stayed flat.
“And, you’re not telling anyone else?”
“Nope.”
There was no way I would ever understand her logic, and the more I questioned her, I knew she would stop talking. "Okay. I guess I understand. What is it you would like my help with?"
“I don’t need any help. I just needed to tell someone the truth. That’s how I get to the next step.”
The expression left my face as I sat across from her. “Do you want me to help you tell the police?”
“No. I'm not telling anyone else. All it said was I had to tell one person...not the police.” She stood up. “I’m done now. I can move on to the sixth step.”
“I don’t know if it works like that. I think you also have to be held accountable for your actions.”
“No. Just tell someone, that’s all I needed to do.” She walked toward the door. “I'll never repeat it. Not ever.”
“Jane...we have group tomorrow; will you be joining us?”
She paused in the doorway. “Maybe. But I'll never admit to what I just told you again. So don’t think it’s going to be a topic for everyone to lecture me about.”
“Of course not. The ladies would love to see you. I know they’ve been thinking about you.” I forced a smile; the sincerity grew as my thoughts raced. The plan started to formulate. I knew what I had to do.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Tim arrived at my door minutes after I called him. I already knew what he was going to say, but I had to tell someone. I locked the door behind him and stood with my back against the door. “You’ll never guess what just happened.”
“Hmmm...let me see...Jane is back in town.” He raised his right eyebrow as he put his left hand to his chin.
“How...”
“I’m a detective, Val... I just know things...and I saw her leaving the hospital when I got here.”
I felt my eyes widened. “She didn’t see you, did she?”
“No, I was still in my car when she got on the bus. Why? What’s going on?” He rested his back against the corner of the bookshelf.
“She just confessed to killing Carmen. She told me how and why...but she said she won’t tell anyone else. What do I do with this? Seth was telling the truth.”
“There’s nothing we can do, not without a body. I mean, if she’s not willing to make a confession to law enforcement, we can’t touch her. The case was closed...without her talking, no one is going to listen to what you have to say.” His eyes found mine as I stared back at him. “Val, I want to help, but there really isn't anything we can do.”
“I know.” Defeat shifted to revenge. “I just had to tell you...I'm not crazy...I knew all along, I just had it a little mixed up.”
“I know, Val. I’m sorry. I know how much this case has been weighing on you. I wish it were easier to get people to pay for what they do, but sometimes it doesn’t work that way.” He walked toward me and took my hand.
“It’s such a backward system. You know, if your guys just did their job in the first place, there might still be a body and then there’d be a case.” I regretted my choice of words as soon as I heard them. “I’m sorry, Tim…I’m just pissed off. I didn’t mean to be such a bitch.”
"Hey, I get it. I know they do things half-assed. The easy way, but to be fair, it looked like a suicide. I wished it were different."
“I know.” My shoulders rose and fell with a sigh. “I love you. It means a lot that you got here so quickly. It feels nice to know you’re there when I need you.”
“I love you, too, Val. I really am sorry.”
After Tim left, I pulled out the Village News from after Carmen's death, where it prematurely ruled her death a suicide. It was like everyone was working together to make it as easy as possible for people to get away with crimes. I tossed the paper back into the drawer and wiggled my mouse to wake up the screen on my computer. I logged on to Facebook under my fake account and searched for Jane's profile. I scrolled through her timeline, looking for a reason she was so evil. Nothing stuck out. I sent a friend request and clicked on her list of friends. As I looked through the list of people she knew, I canceled the request. I didn't want anything to connect me to her, even under a fake account. From Facebook, it didn't appear she had too many close friends. That made sense for the Jane I knew.
After looking at the same content, I knew I needed to get away from the screen. There was no new information I would be able to get from there, and even if I had found something, I didn’t know what it would do. What needed to happen next was not something that could happen online.
I picked up my phone and dialed Jeanine's number. As I waited for her to answer, a calm came over me. "Hey, this is Val…I'm not feeling well…I've got a migraine and these lights are killing me."
With her blessing, I picked up my tote bag, put on my jacket and locked the door behind me. Out in the parking lot, I tossed my bag on the front seat and got into my car. After I put it in gear, it started to drive me, as though it was on autopilot on a familiar road. A road I had been on not too long ago. When I parked my car, I was back in the driveway at Seth's. It appeared to be quiet, meaning Jane hadn't made it to her destination yet. Just as I hoped.
I knocked on the door and waited while I heard Seth mumble, “Just a minute.”
“Hi, Seth, I wanted to drop off some money from the last time we met.”
“You already paid me.”
“Yeah, I know, but I have a couple more questions. This time, about something else. Can I come in?”
He scratched his head. “How much?”
“We can talk about that inside.”
He held the door open for me and I found my way to his kitchen as I waited for him to follow. "Okay, so what do you want to know…and what's in it for me?"
“I have $200 for you and all I need from you is some pills, maybe fentanyl.”
“Are you crazy? That shit will kill you.” He crossed his arms tight against his chest.
“Oh, it’s not for me. I have a patient that needs some for pain control, but we’re not able to write the prescription. You’d be helping an old lady, and you get $200, that sounds like a win-win to me.”
“Why do you think I have any of that shit? Why come here?”
“I know you could use the money and I know you know where I could find some.”
"I told you last time, I'm trying to get clean." He uncrossed his arms and crossed them again tighter. "Is this a setup? Did you bring the cops?"
“No. I swear. I could get in just as much trouble as you. I just want to...help this client of mine. I hate to see her in pain and no one will listen to her. Can’t you jus
t help?”
“I don’t know who sells that shit anymore. And you don’t need that, there’s plenty of other options to kill the pain.” He rubbed his nose with the palm of his hand.
“Well, I really need that. Or at least something as strong. Her pain is unbearable.”
“Lady, you’re playing with fire. What if she takes too much...and, you know...dies?” He shifted his weight from side to side.
“Don’t you worry. She’s had it before...they just won’t give her anymore. She knows what she's doing.” I pulled the cash out of my pocket and set it on the counter. “Do we have a deal?”
“It’s going to take more than that.” His eyes focused on the cash. “Make it...ah...$300, and we have a deal.”
“I only brought $200. That’s all the cash she had. Do we have a deal?”
Seth scratched his head, his eyes never leaving the cash. "Hang on." He left the kitchen and returned with a small cardboard box. He set it on the table and took pill bottles out and set them on the table, shaking each one before he set them down. He took one of the amber-colored plastic bottles and twisted off the cap and emptied the contents into the palm of his hand. Tiny white pills filled his cupped hand, he closed his fingers around them. "$200 will get you ten of these. That's all. If you want more, it'll cost you more." He counted out ten pills and slipped them into a sandwich bag. "These are potent, I'm not sure what they are, but they're the strongest thing I've got. A buddy brought them here after one of his customers OD’d."
“How many did it take...to OD?” I felt my eyebrow lift as I waited for his answer.
“I don’t know. Jesus, I just know these aren’t a joke. These can kill if they’re in the wrong hands. It’s on you if your friend dies, not me. I won’t admit anything.” He swung the plastic bag between his fingers.
I took a step closer and grabbed the bag on the final swing. “I understand. It’s our secret.” I winked and nodded my head in the direction of the cash. “So hypothetically speaking...if someone were to take all ten of these, they’d...”
"Be dead. Yeah, and it's on your hands, not mine."
Boundaries Page 21