Surrender to More

by Rachel De Lune

  “What’s Luc like, Natasha?”

  “That’s a very far reaching question. Do you want to be more specific?”

  “Is he, does he always play with the same type of women? Does he ever have a relationship?”

  “I can’t answer that. You need to ask him.” A red heat rises up, setting my heart pounding and my hands shaking.

  If I was to trust Luc, would he be happy only being with me? Am I a fool for wanting this to be the man I explore a future with?

  My thoughts sour my mood further and add to the acid that burns in my stomach. Emotions that are all new to me begin to surface. Envy, angst and doubt are all vicious feelings I’ve never associated with a man or a relationship before, but they make me want to fight and protect what’s mine. I want to scream and stomp all over that other woman. I want to kiss Luc with such passion he can’t help but take notice and remember our night together.

  “What’s going through your mind, Jess? Because you look like you’re about to cause a scene. I won’t let you do that.”

  “I won’t. Do you have Luc’s number?”

  “Yes, why?”

  “Because I need it. I won’t stay here and watch him. It won’t do anyone any good.”

  “I agree with that. Here, I’ll text you.” The faint vibration in my bag indicates a new message.

  “Thank you.”

  I walk steadily, but swiftly, out of the room of sin, but can’t quite bring myself to leave Solace. Not yet. I walk across the reception area and peek behind a velvet sash draping against the wall. Behind it is a small room with chairs and sofas. I fall into one and try and take stock.

  I feel sick. The molten mix of these emotions have torched their way through my body and settled in my stomach. I can’t handle the possibility I won’t be enough for Luc. I have no reference for the type of pain he wants to inflict. I certainly couldn’t watch Luc with another woman. I’ll drive myself crazy, constantly circling back to that night with Pete, so many years ago. This is exactly why I’ve spent the last eight years keeping my own emotions out of the picture.

  Voices pull me from my self-pity and I stiffen when I recognise them.

  “Why was she here, Natasha? Why did you let her leave?”

  “She’s not my responsibility, Lucas, and unless you want to update me, she isn’t yours either. She came. She saw. She looked pissed off and decided to leave. I may have encouraged her to leave, but I believe the alternative would have been much worse.”

  I put my game face on and leave my hidey-hole. “I’m sorry. I was just leaving.” I keep my head down and move to step past Luc. He blocks my path with his body, forcing me to back up.

  “Why did you come here after I told you not to? Why, after a week of silence, did you think coming here rather than phoning me would be a good idea?” His green eyes blaze at me, but I refuse to cower.

  “My only excuse is that I lost your number, and I wanted to see you. I’m sorry. It’s been a bad week. Now, I’d like to leave.” I move to step around him, but he blocks me again, matching each of my side steps.

  “Luc, please, just let me...”

  “Don’t Luc, me. What happened to giving us a go, or talking through what happened between us, or what could be in the future? What’s changed your mind? I’m a little confused because you’ve not spoken to me since I fucked you last week.”

  “Hey, I said I was sorry. I came here to talk but it was perfectly clear that you were busy, so I thought it would be best if I left.” Three strikes and I was out.

  “Jealous?”

  “Yes. But it doesn’t matter. I can’t put myself through this. I’m not ready.”

  “Put yourself through what? Was I meant to come running back to you all hearts and flowers?”

  “No, but since I’ve met you, you’ve been with three different women. I can’t… I’m not…” I can’t squeeze the words out through the ball of pain lodged in my throat. I look around to see if Natasha will help, but she’s nowhere in sight.

  “What, Princess? You’ll give me your body but won’t have a simple conversation with me about what we could be.” His voice gentles. “You don’t get to be upset at seeing me play with a sub if you can’t even pick up the fucking phone or talk to me.” He’s crowding me, edging me back into the small room where I took sanctuary.

  “I told you, it’s been a bad week, and I do want to talk to you. That’s why I’m here. But you’re with a different woman every time I see you, and I refuse to be hurt by you. It would be easier if we didn’t see each…”

  “You think I can’t be monogamous. Is that it, Princess?”

  “Yes!” I shout in frustration. He’s making me feel vulnerable by his presence and volley of questions.

  “And you’re basing that on seeing me play at Solace? Those women and I don’t have a committed relationship. I’m not seeing anyone at the moment, so what should stop me?” He twists a strand of my escaped hair in his finger as he stares down at me—a challenge written across his face.

  “Me! You shouldn’t want to fuck anyone or play with anyone after last week. I gave my body to you. I wanted you so badly, and you couldn’t keep your hands off me. You still can’t,” I rage at him, my anger in full flow. My retort earns me a satisfied grin from Luc as he manoeuvres me back against the wall.

  “You’re right. I want my hands on you, and I still want all of the things I whispered to you while I was buried in your arse. But you don’t get to take all the good bits for free. If you want me to be monogamous, then talk to me. If you want to work at building trust between us, then we need to talk. If you really want to explore this, then you better sit down and wait for me.” He’s as fired up as I am, and I want to smash my lips against his. Our feisty exchange has poured gasoline on the fire of our attraction.

  “We can go to my house.” Luc orders

  “I don’t—”

  “Quiet. Give me ten minutes. Then we’re leaving.”

  I follow Luc’s Mercedes back into town and to a private parking area opposite a two story residential block. He’s at my car door by the time I’ve parked and turned off the ignition. My heart hasn’t stopped thumping in my chest the entire journey.

  He grabs my hand and walks me around to the front of the newly built apartment complex. It’s a lovely part of town that’s recently undergone development. His grip doesn’t loosen as we make our way to the stairs, and exit at the top. He opens his door and marches through, finally dropping my hand. I walk in slowly, anxious to survey his home. My eyes follow him as he saunters past a huge, oval dining table and on towards a small bar, where he pours a drink and sits down on the large sofa at the end of the space.

  The spacious open plan occupies the entire floor. A neat and tidy kitchen is at one end with the sofa at the other. Glass windows reflect my image back to me, as I stand in the entry way. The sofa where Luc sits overlooks more glass and what appears to be doors that lead to a balcony. So this is a penthouse.

  “Feel free to take a look around. When you’re ready, grab yourself a drink, and we can talk.”

  I didn’t come here to look at the furniture. We needed to talk, and a drink sounded exceedingly good. I spot a built-in wine fridge, so I take out a white and pour myself a large glass. I sit on the edge of the sofa next to Luc and place my glass on the table after I take a large gulp.

  "Why are you nervous, Jess?"

  “I'm not." I grab for my glass again, feeling every nerve my body could conjure up.

  “Stop bullshitting me. We need to talk. You need to relax.” He was right.

  "I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to bullshit you." I make sure he can see the sincerity in my eyes. The tension has lingered since leaving Solace, at least for me.

  “Good. Now, hopefully, we can have a conversation without any further complications. I meant what I said at Solace.”

  “I know.” I sip my wine more slowly and wait for Luc to ask me a question and take the lead.

  “Why has your week been ba
d?”

  “The company is going through a restructure which means I have a lot to coordinate.”

  “And that stopped you from picking up the phone?”

  I put the glass back on the table and turn to face him.

  “No, my cleaner threw away the note you left me. I did ask Izzy to get me your number. Solace was my last resort. I did want to talk to you.”

  “Okay, so now we’re making progress. Why are you so reluctant to open yourself up to anything other than sex?” His hand snakes around me and pulls me towards him on the sofa. My body immediately recognises Luc’s, and the tension I’ve been holding onto disintegrates.

  “I’ve never really done relationships—not for a long time. I’m not accustomed to trusting men.”

  “Why’s that, Princess?” His fingers start playing with my wayward hair, and his touch soothes my body.

  “My history with men has been painful. I’ve been hurt, and I don’t want that to happen again.” I leave my answer as it stands and hope he won’t ask me to elaborate. I don’t need his sympathy.

  “That’s why you shy away from trust?”

  “Yes.”

  “You understand, though, we can’t have a relationship without some trust. You’ve started to let me in by giving me your body. It’s more than that, though, Jess. You didn’t like seeing me with someone else and you said you didn’t think I could be monogamous.”

  “My fiancé cheated on me. I have an issue with cheating.”

  “That’s understandable. You know I’m thirty-eight not eighteen. I might play with subs, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be faithful. I’m the one pushing for trust. I wouldn’t ask something of you that I wouldn’t expect from myself.”

  “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.” His hand stops teasing my hair and slides to cup my face. My core shudders at his tender touch. “We’re explosive together, Princess. From our first meeting at the practice, there’s been something between us. I want to see where this goes. You obviously do too or you wouldn’t have visited me at Solace. Twice.”

  “I want that too. It’s just… I’m a little out of my depth with you.”

  “You’re doing fine now that you’re talking.” His fingers slide down my neck and my breath hitches. “I need to tell you it’s not entirely appropriate for us to be seeing each other considering you’re a patient at my practice.” A smile pulls at the corner of his mouth as he locks his gaze on my lips.

  “As long as what I say to Dr. Cross stays with her, I’m good.” Panic grips my pounding heart as I realise he could find out about my past—specifically Daniel deserting me at the wedding. Sharing such a humiliating event just isn’t an option. I lean forward and capture my glass before Luc can pull me deeper into him. I drain the wine and hold the empty glass in my hand. I want to leave. I know it’s an automatic reaction to opening up and sharing with Luc. His body is relaxed and angled towards me. I can feel the attraction between us like an invisible force. No matter how strong, it doesn’t cancel out my desire to run.

  “I think I should leave.”

  “Why?” He grabs my hand as I stand, and he rises with me. He’s so close the air around us vibrates with the need that runs through my blood for this man.

  “Because I feel vulnerable right now, and it makes me uncomfortable.” My honest answer shocks me, but I can see my response has pleased him. He moves into my personal space. His body is only millimetres from mine.

  “I won’t take any of the usual crap you give the men you see. You want to see where this goes, then don’t back off the moment you feel uncomfortable. I’ll be making you uncomfortable in more ways than one, and I need to know you won’t brush me off. I won’t stand for that.” Guilt floods me, and I can’t stand to look at his green eyes.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I like you vulnerable. I like you challenging me, and I certainly enjoy you being under me. But all that stuff about trusting each other is complete bollocks if you just up and leave. I’ve told you where I stand, Jess. You know what I am.” On each breath his chest presses against mine. The tense set of his jaw makes him look even sexier, and I feel myself melt against him. I don’t want to run. I might be vulnerable to him, but my feelings towards this man have been different from the get go. My hands press against his chest and run up to his shoulders. That’s all the encouragement Luc needs. He snatches my hands in his and punishes my lips with a kiss that blisters with passion.

  All of the anguish and apprehension that’s been building between us erupts. I pull at his shirt and rip at the buttons trying to reach his skin. His pecs are smooth and hard, and my mouth leaves his lips and runs lower, desperate to taste his salty skin.

  He matches the ferocity of my actions, move for move. His quick fingers loosen my wrap-around dress, and I shake my arms free. I begin to kneel, but his fingers dig and hold my hair and stop me from lowering any further. Luc tilts my head up. Lust is written all over his face.

  “Easy, Princess. As much as I want my cock in your mouth, I have a few things to go over with you, and I won’t be able to do that with you giving me head.” He pulls me up with his fingers still tightly locked in my hair. “You’ll be a challenge for me. I don’t believe you’re a submissive by nature. Or at least you’ve not shown me anything that supports that. But you submit to me through sex. I like that, and I want more of it. I want to show you the world I love.” Luc begins to wrap his fingers tighter in my hair securing me in place. It hurts and my eyes begin to sheen, but I don’t want to break away.

  “What do you say, Jess? Yes, or no?”

  “Yes. Yes, I want that.”

  “Are you on birth control?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good. I’m clean but will wear protection if you want.”

  “No. We’re good.”

  The moment the words leave my lips, Luc releases my hair and grabs me around my waist, lifting me up against him. He carries me towards the entrance and sits me on the dining table before ravishing my neck and chest with his teeth and tongue. I lean back on my arms to support myself against his assault. The clunk and whoosh of his belt tell me we won’t be making it to the bedroom. Again.

  “Hold my belt in your hands, and don’t drop it. Keep it above your head when I lay you back. Understand?”

  “Okay,” I pant. I was so desperate to move this along I didn’t care if I had to hold a belt or not.

  He hands me the leather and steps back. I’m left in my underwear and holding his belt.

  “You’ve seen what I’m about. I’ve told you I’ve got a mean streak, but I love your spirit. I’m going to take this slowly with you. First, there are rules. If you don’t like something or feel too uncomfortable to continue, say red, and everything stops. If you need a rest or to pause, say yellow, and if you’re good, then it’s green. Remember these. It’s important. I need to trust you’ll answer honestly when I ask how you’re doing.”

  “Red, yellow, green. Okay.” I wiggle my bottom towards the edge of the table, wanting to get back to skin on skin. He watches me and reads my obvious desire to get closer to him.

  “Stay still.” I cease my movement. “Rest the belt on your legs and take off your bra. Then drop it on the floor, and lie back on the table holding the belt above your head. Don’t lift your head or look for me.”

  I free my breasts and lie back. The table is hard and cold against my shoulder blades, and I struggle to find a comfortable position. My hands grip the leather and rest against the far edge of the table.

  Luc’s warm hands slide up my thighs and pull my thong down my legs. I’m naked and spread out for him. I listen for the sound of Luc, but only silence greets me. My heartbeat picks up and starts to echo in my ears. I peer down my nose trying to see to the end of the table but I can’t. The urge to lift my head up is so strong I groan aloud to keep from acting upon it.

  A light touch tickles my ankle and I jump. Firm, painful fingers replace the soft touch, pulling my leg to the sid
e. The feel of material wraps around my ankle and pulls it against the leg of the table. The fabric is soft on one ankle but bites into my skin on the other. He’s used my discarded knickers and bra to secure my legs open and anchors them in place.

  My hands are sweaty as I cling to the belt. I’ve put myself in an exposed position. I’ve allowed Luc to do this to me without any protest. It makes me hot. My clit feels swollen and needy without any physical encouragement. I flex my ankles, gauging the level of movement I have.

  Luc hasn’t said a word since his ‘red, yellow, green’ instruction, and I fight the curl of anxiety in my stomach. I know I could lift my head off the table and look for him. If I’m really uncomfortable, I could sit up and pull out of my binds. After all, my underwear isn’t the best form of restraint—although it’s a sexy one.

  He grins down at me, and his gorgeous face fills my vision. I let out a small inward sigh. My relief is short lived as he places the hem of his t-shirt over my eyes as a make-shift blindfold. I draw in a ragged breath.

  “Easy, baby. I’m not going to leave. Remember the colours.” Then silence.

  It stretches out for long moments. At last, I hear the soft pad of footsteps. The sound both reassures and sets my nerves into action. I can’t see where Luc is going, and I don’t understand why he’s walking away. My eyes scrunch up, blocking out the negative thoughts that start to edge into my mind. He’s going to leave me. He’s going to leave me.

  I hear small noises that tell me he’s not gone—a whirring followed by the clink of something against glass. The footsteps return, and I tense with apprehension. The belt is clammy in my hands where I’m holding it so tight. Chilled air ghosts over my naked skin. I take a deep breath to settle my wayward mind and my body’s reaction to being so exposed.