Ending a Broken Journey

by Melissa L. Delga

  “Yeah sure man, we’ll be there, what time?”

  “I think we’re meeting at my sister’s at eight.”

  “Alright, cool. See ya later.”

  The thought of seeing Kennie tonight actually helps the shit mood Vicki put me in. Some women…

  “Hey—going to the bar tonight, you in?”

  Jax, who’d lost interest in my conversation a while ago, sits up and stretches. “Yeah, who’s going?”

  “You, me, Kip, Kennie, and her two friends.”

  This sparks his interest, “Yeah? Either of them hot?”

  My laughter comes out in a low rumble, “Honestly, both of them are pretty damn good looking. One’s Spanish and the other’s a petite blonde.”

  “Suh-weet, let’s do this, what time?”

  “Eight.”

  He stands up and claps his hands together. “Perfect, just enough time to manscape,” he looks at me and wiggles his eyebrows. “You know, just in case either of them finds me too irresistible.”

  “Oh yeah, just in case.” I cross my arms over my chest, after setting my phone back down on the table.

  He shrugs his shoulders and walks off as I go in the opposite direction to shower. I figure after that, I can get a good game of Madden going with my little brother, and should kill enough time before we need to head over to Kennie’s.

  I STARE AT the department store that is my closet. Neatly sectioned off by colors and still, I have no damn clue what to wear. Should I go casual? Should I dress up? How should I do my hair? Down? Up? Make up? Light or dark? Smokey or neutral? I just want to scream at all of the extra choices that come along with being a woman.

  I call Ade instead.

  She picks up on the first ring. “Hey girl! What’s up?”

  “Hey, about tonight…”

  “Mackenzie Alexa Tillson you’d better not be calling me to cancel, young lady.”

  I exhale a sigh, “No Adriana Lila Soto. I’m not calling to cancel. I just want to know what I should wear. Casual or dressy? I can’t figure it out.”

  “Aye nena. I’ll grab my stuff and be over in thirty.”

  “Ade you don’t have to do that. Just tell me how I should dress.”

  “I’m hanging up now, I’ll see you soon chica.”

  NEVER STICKING TO the Latin stereotype of always being late, I hear my doorbell ring exactly thirty minutes later.

  “Hey Ade, you really didn’t have to do this,” I say as she breezes through my doorway past me.

  “And miss the opportunity to play ‘dress up my Mackenzie doll’?” she snorts.

  “First of all, I’m not a doll—”

  “Well today you are,” cutting me off, Ade walks down the hall and to the right to get to my bedroom. I follow on her heels until we are stopped in my closet.

  “So many clothes, so little time.” She takes her hands parting different tops and jeans hanging neatly. She pulls out a pair of black skinny jeans and a long sleeved V-neck fitted dark red shirt.

  “It may be a little chillier than normal tonight,” she says, motioning for me to grab her choice of attire.

  “Don’t you think red is a little…bold?”

  “You own it, don’t you? It’s for a reason. Flaunt what God gave your ass.” She pushes me towards my bathroom. “Now go get changed, we still have makeup and hair to get to.”

  FORTY FIVE MINUTES later, Ade has my hair down in tousled waves and a light neutral look on my face. She tried to force the red lipstick, but I drew the line. We still have a little over half an hour before anyone should be here. Ade’s finishing up getting herself ready when my doorbell rings, yet again. I walk down my hall, clumsily, in my black wedges—it’s been too long since I’ve worn any kind of heels. I look through the peephole expecting to see Cass, but my heart skips a beat at the sight I see—Drew and Jax chatting outside my door. I inhale a deep cleansing breath to calm my nerves, and open my door. I look at both of them. Drew stops talking mid-sentence when he looks at me. I notice something in his eyes I’ve never seen before. I can’t place it, so I dismiss it and dart my eyes to Jax.

  Jax speaks first, “Mackenzie? Holy shit girl, you look smokin’ fucking hot.” He leans to kiss my cheek embracing me in a hug. I would’ve never taken Jax to be such a touchy feely person, but I’ll be damned, he is.

  “Whatever, Jax.” I playfully push his shoulder. “You look good, too.”

  The feeling of ease is still there when I look at him. He has the same wavy brown hair as Drew, but instead of the pale green eyes his brother has, his are a rich deep brown. I have a feeling Jax is all about comfort; loose black Led Zeppelin tee, worn jeans and some black boots—totally fits him and his colorful arms. I’m going to have to get a better look at those tattoos he has. Maybe I can find the meaning behind them soon, if there are any of course. Perhaps even on our next run.

  “Show the lady some respect, Jax.” Drew chuckles from behind him. I catch a glimpse of the black fitted sweater he’s wearing. I still can’t believe this is the same Drew. He’s…just…plain hot. Bending down to kiss my cheek in one fluid movement, his stubble grazes the side of my cheek. It causes goose bumps as he whispers, “You really do look beautiful, Kennie.”

  He stands straight, and pins me with his all-knowing Drew smirk—it’s the one that screams how sexy he knows he is. He walks past me, behind Jax, to the living room. They’ve certainly made themselves at home. I suppose some things never change. The Dean boys have been this way for as long as I can remember.

  “Mackenzie! Can you get the door? It’s Drew and Jax!” Kip yelled to me from the kitchen. Teenage boys and the need to be fed were out of control. Kip had been eating us out of house and home.

  “Sure Kip, I live to serve,” I yelled back rudely. Realistically, anytime I got to see Drew made my insides do a little dance. Jax on the other hand, total brother status; but he was fun to hang out with, too. I made my way to the front door. Before I could open it, in walked the Dean Brothers—as if they lived in our home rather than across the street, where they actually lived.

  “Hey Kennie, sup? Where’s your knucklehead brother?”

  “Hey Mackenzie, how’s it going?” Jax voiced right after Drew.

  “Hey boys, come on in, feast for three I believe is going on in the kitchen. Have at it.” I waved my hand towards the kitchen all the way to the back of the house and closed our front door.

  “Thanks, Kennie.” Drew ruffled my hair as he walked by.

  I huffed and fixed my hair, all the while hearing Drew howl in laughter at my reaction. Jax, who normally sided with me, sold me out and also laughed as he walked away.

  I sighed, loudly, those Dean boys.

  I shake my head back and forth and chuckle to myself as I close my door and trail behind.

  “Mackenzie! Was it Cass at the door?” Ade yells, before walking out of my room looking fantastic as usual—similar outfit to mine, but with a bit more cleavage. I wouldn’t have her any other way.

  “No Ade, it’s just Drew and Jax. They’re a little early.” I look over to see them leaning against the kitchen bar in the exact same pose.

  Jax speaks up first, “Hello there. I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure. Name’s Jax. Jax Dean, and you would be?” He takes a few steps towards her and lifts her hand to place a kiss on it, before giving her a mischievous grin.

  Is this Jax in action when he’s flirting? I move over to stand next to Drew. He uncrosses his arms and places one on the bar behind us, so it’s technically around me too. Smooth. Or so he thinks. I’m very self-conscious of what I have on, but these distractions of people around are helpful. Even if Drew’s closeness heightens my anxiety, it still keeps me from having to face the truth; the disgust of the person I see when I look in the mirror, or the nightmares I sometimes wake up to.

  “Well hello, Jax.” She eyes him up and down, “You’re the other brother? I’m Ade, pleasure’s all mine.” She winks at him.

  “Yes, I’m the other, more cha
rming and good looking brother, and, it most certainly is.” Jax, still smiling, let’s her hand linger in his before letting go.

  “Jax! Stay away from that one, she spells trouble.” I turn around as Kip enters through my hallway.

  “I didn’t hear you knock?”

  “I have a key, remember?” Kip leans in to hug me hello.

  “Yes, yes I forget.”

  Ade interjects, “For your information Kip, I do not spell trouble.” Then she flashes an all-white tooth smile in Jax’s direction.

  He winks at me standing up straight before he responds. “Tell that to the last guy’s heart you broke, Ade.” His tone is playful, but then again, this is normal for the two of them. I’m not sure when it became normal, but it seems more often than not, they go back and forth with each other.

  “Oh?” She asks him in mock surprise. “Because your track record is squeaky clean right?” He cocks his head at her. “Who was the most recent one, playboy?”

  She does have Kip on the mark with that. He doesn’t settle down. He loved a girl once, and she broke his heart. By the time he found out she had a husband, he was in too deep. How he didn’t know she was married is beyond me. I guess if you’re really determined to hide something, you can. I’m a prime example of that. Look at me—to this day no one knows what happened between Wes and me. Since her though, he hasn’t been the same. He’s had nothing but shallow feelings, shallow dates, and shallow girls. One day, hopefully soon, he can find the girl who will help him change his outlook.

  “Adriana, you must have me pegged for someone else,” he says as he walks towards her to lean down and kiss her cheek hello. “I don’t kiss and tell,” he whispers loud enough for all of us to hear.

  Before she can respond, someone’s beckoning from my door again. I walk towards my door and hear Kip and Ade continue their banter. I open the door to a blue fitted tee, skinny-jean wearing, Cass.

  “Hey Mackenzie!” She embraces me in a hug. I’ve been hugged a whole lot today. More than I care for honestly, but I can’t be rude at everyone’s excitement to see me putting forth an effort, so I just smile instead.

  “Hey Cass. Come on, we’re all in the living room.”

  “Lead the way,” she says after shutting the door.

  We return with Cass exchanging a “hello” to everyone but Jax—and that’s because he seems to have sparked an extreme interest in my little blonde bombshell.

  “Now I know I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting you.” He walks up to her only mildly aware that Drew and I are witnessing this encounter. Kip and Ade continue on with whatever it is they feel the need to insult each other for this time around.

  “No, we haven’t. Jax, I presume?”

  “Pleased to meet you, darling. I’m not interested in anything long term, long walks on the beach, or talking about feelings. But, I’m definitely interested in you, and have a feeling you just might be able to change that about me.” He winks at her.

  I can’t believe he just said that to her; and with such a cocky attitude, too.

  “Darling?” She questions, “Well Jax let me save you the trouble. I’m not interested in any of that either.” She looks him up and down with a sly smile on her face. “And, I’ve seen better.”

  I can tell from his demeanor this is not the response he’s used to receiving upon throwing out such an atrocious introduction.

  Drew’s laughter sounds out as he walks up to Jax and claps him on the back. “Oh brother, you definitely deserved that one.” He looks at Cass. “It’s been a long time coming for him. Good to see you again.”

  She smiles up at Drew. “Likewise.”

  “Alright, so who’s ready to go?” Kip announces.

  We all nod in agreement, and start filing towards the door. Drew decides he’s going to walk behind me on the way out; he also decides to guide me with his hand at the small of my back. It’s such a small gesture, but it’s one of my favorites. Again, I’m probably just reading too much into this. Drew isn’t interested in me, he can’t be. I could never be good enough for him. I sigh at the negative thoughts always seeping into my mind and dampering my mood. Grabbing my keys and purse, I head out the door behind everyone else with Drew still ever-present behind me.

  O’DWYER’S. WHAT USED to be one of my favorite spots to go to, slowly became too crowded and uncomfortable for me to bear. I still would rather not be around big crowds. I did make a promise to myself to at least try though, so that’s exactly what I’m going to do. This week has been a step in the right direction. I haven’t been living. I know that, I would rather feel safe and stable as opposed to exciting and unknown. The excitement fades at some point, and from my experience, when it does, emptiness and doubt can overtake all emotions.

  “Mackenzie, what’s the big fucking deal? It’s a strip club. Guys go all the time, besides, you’ve never minded before.”

  Wes told me as he got ready to head out. It really wasn’t a big deal to me personally. I’d probably been one of the very few women who didn’t really care if their significant other went to a strip club—weird I know. It hurt then, though, because we hadn’t been sexual with each other in months. So yes, excuse me, I’d actually minded that time. He would’ve rather seen half naked strangers when I’d been right in front of his face.

  “I’m not saying it’s a big deal, Wes. I just don’t understand the need to go when we haven’t…ya know…in a while.”

  “You can’t be serious. This has nothing to do with us. It’s Adam’s birthday. What’s got you doubting me all of the time lately?” He finished, standing in front of our bathroom mirror as he fixed the collar on his shirt.

  I thought I’d just named a pretty important one. “I don’t doubt you, it’s just…”

  “It’s just what?” He snapped and turned his head to look at me. My lip started to tremble. I held my stoic poise and refused to cry.

  “Baby, look at me.” I felt his body shift towards me. His index finger lifted my chin from looking at the ground. “It’s not you. I promise. I’m just going out with the guys for a few. When I get home…” I saw a sparkle of mischief in his eyes. “I swear, with work, I hadn’t realized how long it’s been.”

  I caved. I always did. “Okay honey. No worries.” I lifted up on my tiptoes to give him a light peck on the lips. “Have fun, tell Adam I said ‘Happy Birthday’ and please be careful tonight.”

  “I will baby, I promise. Love you,” Wes said as he left the bathroom walking toward the front door to leave.

  “Love you too.”

  That particular memory throws me off balance. I remember he never did come home that night. He called me in the morning after I passed out on the couch, apologizing profusely stating they all got too trashed. I swear one of these days I’ll remember something good about Wes. I can’t imagine I was ever engaged to someone who didn’t have some good qualities about him at one point.

  “Kennie?” I snap back to reality where Drew has apparently asked me a question. We’re seated at a high top table, in the infamous Irish bar. Six of us hanging out, and although it’s easy to hear over the music right now, in a couple of hours it will be loud and crowded.

  “Yes, Drew?” Sheepishly, I glance at him.

  “Where’d you go? You were here, but not here.”

  “Oh sorry just a lot on my mind I guess.” The usual; old memories of a past relationship, new memories of a past crush, vivid thoughts of said past crush…

  “You want to talk about it?”

  For the first time the answer is yes, I do want to talk about it. But I’m not going to. I know hashing up old memories will do nothing but ruin my mood. Shaking my head slightly, I manage a smile. Looking around at all of the wood, the stage and the long bar, my gaze falls back to Drew, “No, I’m good I promise. Let’s just enjoy tonight okay?”

  “Alright.” He turns to the rest of the table, “What’re we all having?”

  We all order a round of New Castle. Well, all of us except Jax. He sa
ys he doesn’t really drink anymore. He just came to enjoy the atmosphere. So, round after round, beer after beer, and a couple of hours later—my body temperature feels warmer. My lips seem to turn up more than they have in the past year. The music is louder, and the atmosphere, thanks to the drinks, is enjoyable for me.

  “So Cass, what is it you do?” Jax takes a drink of his coke. I see after his blow from Cass, he’s trying his hand at a more gentlemanly approach. Good for him.

  “I work in Human Resources; at Tillson Remodeling Inc., actually.”

  Drew leans towards me, the smell of beer on his breath, takes his hand and brushes a lock of hair behind my ear. “Kennie?” he whispers in my ear.

  “Yeah?” I look at him.

  His face is inches away from mine. “What do you think Kip would say if I kissed you right now?”

  I take a sharp intake of breath. Is he serious? Is it the alcohol talking? Looking into those pale green eyes I see nothing but unadulterated hunger. But, I’m feeling a little bold and hungry myself.

  “I’m not sure, wanna find out?” I whisper, conspiratorially, back to him.

  I look into his eyes and a smirk plays across my lips. He gives me a mischievous grin and strokes his index finger lightly back and forth across the left side of my jawline. “I absolutely do.”

  My heart starts beating faster with excitement as Drew’s face leans closer and closer until his lips almost brush mine.

  “Yo Drew, want another beer?” Kip interrupts our moment. “Bro, why are you so close to my sister’s face?” Clearly he’s been too engrossed in conversation with Ade, Jax and Cass because this little “moment” has been going on for a few minutes at least.

  The one time I was going to throw caution to the wind…Sometimes, my brother can be such a cock blocker. This may be the boldest I’ll ever manage to be around Drew. Flirty and fun—thank you, alcohol. Now, if I could walk around without constant insecurity plaguing me, I’ll be well on my way.