“Excuse me,” she excuses herself from the table, giving Ade and Cass a look. They excuse themselves as well. Did I miss something? I glance discreetly at the direction they go in—great, up the stairs. There is no way I won’t be obvious if I follow them.
I give it five minutes.
“Excuse me, Jamie? Where’s your restroom?”
“You’ll have to use the upstairs one. The downstairs bathroom is being renovated.”
What are the fucking odds? Yes. Sometimes, shit just falls in your favor. “Okay, thank you. Where is it upstairs exactly?”
“Up and to the right, dear.”
“Thank you.”
I excuse myself and go on the hunt for what could have possibly spooked Kennie. She didn’t think I was serious did she? Before I can go roaming door after door, I hear Kennie.
“No, I don’t think so.”
I inch my way closer to the door. Lucky for me, it’s not closed all the way. I pause for a second to think of how low and pathetic I’ll look if anyone catches me. Fuck it.
“And why don’t you, Mackenzie?” Cass asks her.
“Yeah, please explain to us, why?”
Yes, I too, would like Kennie to explain what’s going on with her.
“I mean he’s clearly into you. We both see the way he looks at you.” Jackpot, blondie. “We’ve respected you not telling us what exactly happened with Wes, but honey, Drew is obviously different.”
“You know how protective we are of you, and we actually like him, girl. He seems like he could be good for you.”
Blondie’s right on all points, because I would be good for her. Or would I? Jax was right when he said I need to figure my shit out yesterday.
“Besides,” I hear Ade add. “Last night was one of the first nights I can remember where it looked like you were actually having a good time. It’s obvious he’s sparked something in you that even you haven’t seen in a long time.”
“Don’t you think I realize that?” I hear her take a deep breath. “I’m scared.” Scared? What’s she scared of? Me? “The last time I depended on a guy to ‘spark’ something in me, I ended up like this.”
“Like what?” Ade asks her. “Tell us what happened. We just want to understand.”
She sounds so heartbroken. I think this would be a good time to give them some privacy. This is clearly a much deeper issue than boy likes girl and vice versa. However, what she says next keeps me rooted.
“A broken, shattered mess, Ade! Someone who can’t look at herself in the mirror because there’s so much self-hatred, it makes me want to puke. Someone who doesn’t deserve happiness because all she does is let people down. You don’t know what happened to me, I can assure you both, what I need is to be left alone.” I can hear her voice cracking. It takes my whole entire being not to barge through this fucking door and tell her how absolutely wrong she is.
“I’m nothing, you guys. I’m empty and hollow. Even when I tell myself I’m going to do better, there’s still the nagging self-doubt that at some point, I’m going to let everyone down. I always do—again and again. I see the way you all look at me! Half of the time it’s with pity.”
“Mackenzie that’s not true—.”
“The hell it’s not, Ade. I’m broken, not stupid.” I hear the bitterness in her tone. “The fact of the matter is he deserves better than me, girls. He deserves someone who can make him happy. That someone isn’t now, nor will it ever be, me.”
There she was, hiding out on her swing, journal in hand. She was oblivious to the fact that I knew exactly where she would be. I came prepared that time, ring pop in tow.
I strolled up to her as she wrote in her journal. “Hey Kennie.” I looked down at her as she jumped.
“Drew. What’re you doing here?” she said, flatly, after being startled.
“Well Kip’s out with his girlfriend so he doesn’t know you’re upset. If that were the case, he’d be here instead of me.” I took a seat on the swing next to her and started rocking back and forth slowly. “Want to talk about it?”
“No.”
I sighed, “You’re going to need to talk to someone about it.”
“Why should it be you?” She looked at me with tears welling in her eyes.
“Why shouldn’t it be? I care about you. Tell me what happened.” I lifted my hand to wipe a lone tear that escaped.
“I thought he liked me, Drew.” She blurted out, “I thought Ben liked me. Then, I find out he’s only talking to me to get close to another girl I know at school.”
How was I supposed to handle that? It had been a douche move sure, but I’m pretty sure I’d pulled the same shit. I guess sometimes, I could be an asshole too. Who knew? “Well Kennie he must be blind to want to pick your friend over you.” She looked at me like I was crazy. “I’m serious.” I reached in my pocket to grab the ring pop. She still wasn’t convinced. “Come on you know me; would I bullshit you?”
“Yes, you would. I’ve seen you with your girlfriends. They come as fast as they go.”
She’d had a point. “That may be true, but do I ever think ahead for any of those girls? Do I even care half the time?” I retorted back as I handed her the piece of candy.
She gave me a ghost of a smile, “No, I guess you don’t.”
“Mackenzie, we had no idea that’s how you viewed yourself,” I hear Cass try to comfort her.
“Well, I’m sure you girls had a clue. I’m just not ready to talk about it. All I know is the question remains: what do I have to offer him? Look at me. Do you know what I see when I look in the mirror?” She continues on without an answer, “I see hollowness where there should be a sparkle, I see fragmented pieces where there should be a whole person, and I see a lost little girl when there should be a found and mature woman. When I look at myself? I see hatred for the woman I’ve become; a woman who nobody can love because she doesn’t know how to love herself.” There’s a long pause before she continues, “So you see, girls, you may think Drew would be good for me, but how can anyone be good for me when I haven’t figured out how to be good for myself?”
Alright, I’ve fucking heard enough. I knock on the door and hear them scrambling around. “Just a minute!” A voice calls out from the other side of the door.
“Come in.” That time, it’s Kennie.
“Hey Drew, can we help you with something?” Ade speaks up. I look at Ade, then at Cass, then finally at Kennie. She has her head down. This girl has no damn clue how special she really is. Not just to me, but to everyone who’s a part of her life. I look at these two girls and see how much they truly care about her.
“Yeah, I was hoping to talk to Kennie for a minute.”
“I don’t think that’s such a good idea—.”
“It’s fine, Ade,” Kennie cuts her off. It seems Ade knows this isn’t worth an argument. She relents quicker than I think she would’ve normally.
“Okay, well let us know if you need us, okay honey?”
“Sure, I will. Thanks girls.”
They both turn to walk out. Following them, I close the door completely. Where to start?
“Kennie.” She distracts herself by looking around the room. It’s a study—bookshelves adorn the entire wall; a fireplace has two red wingback chairs placed strategically in front of it. Classic, but I’m not here to admire the room.
I walk toward her and tip her chin up so she looks at me and nowhere else as I clear my throat, “Kennie, Sweetheart, just look at me.” Her eyes search mine, pleading. “I remember asking you the first time I saw you again, what happened to you and you said nothing. But you’re hot one minute, then cold the next. You seem okay with things I say or do, then act a completely different way right after.” I pause. “So, tell me. What. Happened. To. You?”
Still looking up at me, she says, “And I told you, Drew. Nothing happened to me.”
It’s such bullshit. I know it is. I want to shout it at her because I’m so fucking frustrated right now. “You know I don’t bel
ieve you right?” I croon stroking her face with my thumb.
“You don’t have to believe me, I don’t owe you anything.”
It’s getting harder and harder to maintain my cool with this stubborn, but beautiful woman standing in front of me. “That’s not entirely true. You do actually owe me something.”
I stare so intensely at her. Her lips part and her brows scrunch in confusion. “Oh? And what is it exactly that you think I owe you?”
“A kiss you never made good on last night because of the constant interruptions.” Her breathing picks up pace and I feel her pulse do the same.
“No Drew,” she pulls back a little. “That was last night, and I didn’t promise anything.”
Technically, she didn’t—I just don’t think I can go another day without knowing what those lips feel like against mine. “Sweetheart,” I pull her flush against me and raise my hand to brush my thumb against her bottom lip. “I see you and the insecurities you carry around.” I put my index finger against her lips to assure her I’m not done, “and I want you to know, whatever did happen to you? Whatever delusions that last asshole put in your head, the one who helped to make you think so poorly of yourself, are wrong. The way you see yourself, Kennie, is wrong.” I pause and lightly shake my head. “I know it’s wrong, because I when I see you, I see so much more.”
“Drew—”
A knock on the door followed by a familiar voice cuts me off. “Mackenzie?”
Come the fuck on. We step apart a heartbeat too late. “Drew? What’s going on in here? Were you kissing my sister?” I was about to, you damn cock blocker.
“Nah man, we’re just talking.” I look down at Kennie who looks painstakingly uncomfortable and is avoiding eye contact with me. She looks at Kip expressionless.
“Then why did it look like you were about to?” He pauses. “Come to think of it, last night too. Is there something I need to know about?” Yes. That not once, but twice, you’ve managed to ruin a moment I could’ve had with her, dick.
“No, Kip don’t be silly,” she answers him, waving her hand and walking towards him. “What’s up?”
He puts his arm around her and turns to exit the door. “Dessert is ready; mom sent me to find our missing party of two.”
“Sounds good, let’s go.”
“Go ahead I’ll be down in a minute.”
She nods her head and exits quietly. Kip closes the door behind her and turns to me rubbing his hands over his face. “Drew.”
“Kip.”
He gives me a hard stare. “My sister is off limits.”
“She’s a grown woman. I understand you care about her, and want nothing but the best for her—so do I—but, she can make her own decisions.” I give him an equally hard stare. This guy was my best friend growing up and I will, to this day, always have his back. But what he’s asking, or rather attempting to tell me, is flat out not going to fuckin’ happen.
“I’m serious. I know it’s been awhile since we’ve really talked, but my baby sister has enough going on in her life without you adding to it. Stay away from her.”
“Like you know what’s going on with her? Does anyone actually know?” I see him flinch and instantly regret my words. I’m not trying to hurt his feelings, just trying to get my point across as well.
“I know enough to see she’s not ready for someone like you to be in her life.” He crosses his arms over his chest and plants his feet validating his argument.
“Someone like me? What the fuck’s that supposed to mean?”
“Oh come on, you haven’t been around sure, but even before you came back you were juggling…what? Three girls? There’s no way you’re getting near her.”
“No, I wasn’t juggling any girls as a matter of fact. You would think that, though. It was a long time ago, that’s not who I am anymore. I’m not the same old teenage boy you use to know.” I pause. “Because you honestly think I would do that to her?”
“Would you? Who knows, but we’re not finding out.”
Now I cross my arms across my chest, a few feet away, eye-to-eye with Kip. “I don’t need to explain myself to you, but what I will explain are my intentions. Whether or not you like it, I’m going to get to know her again. I’m going to find out her likes and dislikes, how she sees herself, and make myself a part of her life. It’s happening. Besides, we’re fucking neighbors.”
“I hear you,” he stops and inhales deeply. “Now hear me. The last guy did something to her.” He raises his hand to keep me from interrupting. “I obviously don’t know what, nor am I saying you will. What I am saying, is you are both important to me. Keep away from her, man, because if you hurt her, I swear to God it’ll be the last fucking thing you do.” I step towards him, and his expression is less harsh. He puts a hand on my shoulder. “I’m not saying this to be a dick to you. Mackenzie needs her space. She really needs to figure shit out on her own. As much as we want to help her, we need to respect the time she needs to heal.”
How do we even know what she needs? I’m not entirely sure she knows what she needs; however, the fight in me is gone. He’s right on some level and I know it. If she’s trying to recover from whatever demons haunting her, I need to give her space. That doesn’t mean I’m giving up. It means for now, whatever feelings I have for her, will need to remain at a friendship level until she’s ready.
“I hear you Kip.” He gives me a half smile as we both head towards the door. I clap him on the back. “Oh and I get you’re the big macho brother and all, but understand we go way back.”
“Your point being?”
“My point being, your threats don’t work on me. Kennie’s best interest is all I care about.”
My response is met with understanding. It’s then I realize in the midst of everything, I never found the restroom that I now actually need to use.
Fucking awesome.
AS MUCH AS I want to eavesdrop on my brother and Drew’s conversation, I don’t. I slowly make my way to the stairs, and back to the dinner table instead. My mind is reeling with numerous thoughts as I walk down them. Can he honestly see through my façade? Can everyone? I was so close to telling Ade and Cass about what happened to me. The truth stopped me. My words rang true—even in that moment. I do always let people down. What kind of a friend am I to not have let anyone in when I needed them the most? Before I can delve any further into my self-loathing, I arrive back at the dinner table.
“Mackenzie honey, is everything okay? You’ve been gone for a while. We were just about to start dessert.” My mother walks around the table placing a piece of chocolate cake in front of every place setting. Why can’t I be more like her—confident, beautiful, and charming? So full of life and positivity?
“Yeah mom, everything’s fine.” I give her a half smile and resume my place at the table. A few minutes later, Kip and Drew walk in. They’re joking about something, when Drew catches my eye and winks. Like an idiot, I flush.
“Come, come boys, it’s time for dessert,” she rattles off before taking her place again at the table.
“Mom, this looks great.” Kip scoots back in next to Ade.
A chorus of agreement follows his response and my mother just waves it off with a smile and a “thank you”. In a weird sense of twisted reality, I half expect Drew to resume his inappropriate flirting. However, since he’s returned back to dinner, he’s been exceptionally gentlemanly. Now I’m kicking myself for not being childish and eavesdropping, because if I know my brother, he most likely intervened.
AFTER OUR GOODBYES to everyone at dinner, we give our many compliments to the hosts of the party. Jax lays on his effervescent charm to my mother for being such an amazing cook. Then, I drive us back home. It’s silent for the most part; a little non-descript conversation for the short ride, Jax trying to pump information out of me about Cass. I think he’s really taken by her—even with his horribly embarrassing first impression. Ultimately, I think it’s sweet. Unfortunately, I think his first impression was a lastin
g one to. I pull up to our building and park my car. We all head upstairs to retire for the night.
“Six thirty, right Macky Mack?” The amusement in his voice is uncanny.
“Jax, seriously, let the nickname go.”
He smirks at me and continues to walk to his door with Drew lingering behind. “Aww come on girl, why you gotta kill my dreams?” he says over his shoulder, stepping into his apartment. I shake my head and chuckle at his absurdity.
“Quite a dynamic you two have going on there.” It’s hard to miss Drew since he’s so tall, but I literally wasn’t paying attention. Now however, his presence is all consuming.
I don’t ever really stop to pay attention to my conversations with Jax; they just come easy to me. Something about him makes me feel…comfortably comfortable. I’m not sure what it is, but it’s there. I wish I could figure it out because, of all the people in my life, he’s the only one I seem to act normally around.
“I guess.” I turn towards my door to unlock it. “He’s just a big jokester.”
“Yeah, that’s my brother for you.” He places his hand over mine on the door, so I turn to him. “Thanks for the ride, Sweetheart.” His opposite hand raises up to frame my face. This is it! The kiss I’ve been foolishly craving is mere seconds away. “So I’ll see you in the morning then? Six thirty on the dot.”
I nod my head, and he leans in. My heart beat starts thundering with excitement at the prospect of his lips on mine…And then, he kisses me. On the forehead. Disappoint washes over me.
“Good night, Kennie.”
“Good night, Drew, see you boys in the morning.”
He seems to have lost some of the flirtatiousness he had before. If there was ever a perfect time to kiss me, it would’ve been just moments ago. Now who’s the one killing dreams?
After I lock the door behind me, I walk down the hall toward my bedroom and enter the adjoining bathroom. I start to wash off my makeup and see my face completely bare. Looking at myself is where I always seem to reflect the negative. I see these eyes staring at me, and they’re still so hollow. I see no sense of purpose; a person with so many imperfections, I cannot keep count. I want to scream at my reflection: Why can’t you be good enough? Why aren’t you skinny enough? Why aren’t you pretty enough… for someone to love you?
Ending a Broken Journey Page 8