“Perfect, I’ll see you tonight.”
I move to close the door as he picks up his gym bag from the floor. He turns around to face me. Taking his index finger, he lifts my chin up further and kisses the tip of my nose, before walking the few doors down to his place—whistling.
What’s gotten into me? This can’t be a good idea, it just can’t. Can it? I push off my closed front door, strolling through my living room to my back porch. It’s early November, and it’s such a gorgeous day out. I sit down on my patio chair grabbing the blanket that lies behind it and hug it around my body. I have errands to run and pictures to pick up, but here I am, sitting here thinking about Drew, and it causes me to break into a full out grin. The sun is beating on my face bringing the perfect balance from the cold breeze. A date of sorts tonight; a chance to get some of the past off of my chest. Today is the first day in a long time the doubt of the unknown doesn’t get to me, it doesn’t sour my mood, and it doesn’t harp on my self worth. Everyone’s got to start somewhere, and I think this may be my beginning. I have a long road ahead of me sure, and if I thought I was ready to try before, it’s practically nothing compared to what other obstacles I may now be able to face in the future.
Back and forth I swung slowly, staring—contemplating what to write about. A fifteen year old on a playground swing may have seemed out of sorts, but unbeknownst to everyone but Kip and Drew—when he used to live here—I still came here. It used to be only when I was upset. It’s progressed to just a place of solace. Good mood or bad. It didn’t really matter. I wrote here, I thought here, I found myself here. This was the one constant in my life. With so many changes the past few years, I had a whole new level of admiration for the constant. Sighing with contentment, I stared at my pen and pad.
You used to be my world,
Then you left.
I never thought I’d be able to find happiness,
After you left.
I wouldn’t be able to find solace,
After you left.
I wouldn’t be able to move on,
After you left.
Years passed and my sorrow grew,
Because there could never be a me
There could never be a you.
After you left,
My world crumbled to the ground.
I thought it was over.
No one to believe in
No one to be the perfect someone for me.
I was younger then,
A little older now.
I wanted you to stay forever, to be mine.
Never knowing what could be
After you left.
Not knowing if you missed me,
After you left.
If you thought of me,
After you left.
But what I’m thankful for now,
Is that I can breathe
Even after you’ve left.
I can smile
Even after you’ve left.
I can live my life.
Whenever I see you again,
I hope to see you happy
Even if it’s not with me,
Because what I want for you?
Even after you’ve left,
Is to find someone deserving of you
Of your kindness, your tenderness.
You never showed many,
But I always knew it was there.
For the right one it will continue to be,
Always.
Forever.
Even after you’ve left.
Even if it may never be me,
Now that you’ve left,
I will continue to always want what’s best for you.
Somewhere, over in Virginia, I truly hoped he was happy. I’d realized what a childhood crush I had on my brother’s friend. It was a little silly, but I really hoped for him to be well. It had only been about a year since his last visit, and I knew Kip was taking it hard. I did too, but then what was it going to get me? I couldn’t hold to something that was one sided and would probably never come to fruition.
Pondering thoughts is what I’m best at. Letting my mind wander from one thought to the other, going back and forth mulling it over—imagining every scenario and any outcome. The more I think, the more I ask myself, is this all that’s left of life? Is this all I’m going to live for? To question every little thing? Afraid of things that could be, or what people may think, or how I view myself? How long can you let a relationship you know was toxic to your being control your life? For so long I was empty, I hated myself, but at what cost? If I want to make other people happy, I need to be happy with me. The steps are there, and I’m looking forward to bettering me every day.
So many questions float around, but between confronting Sammy, crazy uninhibited sex, and looking at myself after hours on end, I realized I’m worth more. Whatever sequence of events, in whatever order, made this happen, I like it and fully intend to embrace it. I need to have respect for myself, open up to those who love me with no restrictions.
Speaking of those who love me, I really need to have a sit down with Cass and Ade and get it all out there. I need to apologize to my parents for how rude and distant I’ve been. I need to talk to Kip and let him know how great of a big brother he’s been to me. To Jax for the kindred spirits we seem to have with each other.
Whoa, Mackenzie. I need to take one step at a time—baby steps.
AFTER ABOUT AN hour of soaking in the sun, giving into my mental achievements, and plotting about talking to my friends regarding my past, my doorbell rings. I walk inside wondering who could be at my door now. I toss the blanket on my couch as I stroll past it, and open my door—the site before me is breathtaking…and confusing.
“Drew?” He’s wearing a loose faded black Def Leppard t-shirt, a pair of light faded jeans and black sneakers. He brings the arm that was behind his back around to his front. I look from his eyes and his adorable boyish grin, down to his hand—a single white hydrangea flower. My favorite flower.
“Kennie,” I look back to his face. “For you.” The look of confusion must be written all over my face because he explains his reasoning to me. “Okay, so I know I was supposed to be here later, but I just couldn’t help myself.” He hands me the flower. “And truthfully, I thought you would bail on me,” he finishes sheepishly.
Standing at my door in my black leggings and turquoise sweater, I see Drew look me over. His smile gets even bigger if that’s possible.
“Thank you, so much. It’s my favorite flower. I—just thank you,” I finish clumsily.
“So…are you gonna invite me in?”
Wow I’m so rude. “Yes of course, but don’t you have to be at work?”
“You kids don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” Jax walks by winking and laughing. Now he’s dressed for work; suit and all.
Drew ignores him walking in. “I took a personal day.” He shrugs.
“Okay,” I feel a jolt of excitement run through me. “What were your plans? Did you have errands to run?” I close the door behind him and walk towards my living room with Drew in tow behind me. He doesn’t say anything so I stop in the hallway and turn around to look at him.
“You really don’t get it, do you?” He tucks a lock of hair behind my ear. Shaking my head I look down. Get what? He lifts my chin. “I took the day off to spend with you. We can do whatever you’d like. If you want to just hang out here and catch up, we can do that. If not, we can figure something else out.”
“Sure, we can hang out here. It’s a beautiful day out. I can make some tea and we can catch up on my patio if you’d like?” I know he’s going to want to talk about my outburst. If this is truly my turning point, I’m going to need to open up to someone. I feel guilty though. It should be my family or Cass and Ade I confide in first. They’ve dealt with most of the debris. But isn’t that what my whole epiphany boiled down to? Letting people know exactly what happened? It doesn’t matter in what order, as long as they all hear it from me, right?
&nb
sp; “Sure, tea sounds great.”
“Okay, you can have a seat outside. I’ll be a few minutes.”
He smiles and makes his way outside to my patio. A few minutes later I bring out a tray with some English Breakfast tea. “I hope you don’t mind milk and sugar.”
“I’ve never had it like that before, but I’ll give it a shot.”
“Shoot, I’m sorry I should’ve asked.”
“Sweetheart, it’s just tea.” He takes a sip. “Damn good tea, too.” He grins at me before bringing the cup to his lips again.
There’s a moment of silence before he speaks up. “So, tell me what high school like was for you?” I’m a little taken aback by his question. I figured anyone would want to know the present details of my life.
“It was…high school I guess.” I shrug my shoulders laughing. “I met Cass and Ade junior year. We all had Spanish class together and have been inseparable ever since.” I smile and then frown recalling that due to my decisions, we weren’t technically inseparable over the years.
“Not a good thing?” He cocks his head to the side with humor dancing in his eyes.
“Oh no, great thing actually, I just, I don’t know. I haven’t always been the best friend to them.”
“Well, from what I’ve seen, they love you. I’m sure there’s no hard feelings where they’re concerned.”
I sit back and close my eyes, taking a sip of my tea. I hope he’s right. “What about you? I know you left right before your senior year here, so how was the transition for you?”
I hear him chuckle. “At first it was a definite adjustment. Having to practically start all over and everything, but it was more of the same. I think everyone’s high school experience is similar in most ways.”
“Oh? No flocks of girls drooling all over you?” My eyes squint when I glance at him. He looks down and peers up at me through his thick lashes. His pale green eyes glued to mine. He leans forward, arms on the table and the biggest smile crosses his face.
“There may have been a few.”
I laugh, “Yeah, okay, a few.” It’s amazing. Today I feel at complete ease with Drew. His looks aren’t overpowering his genuine charm toward me. I’m usually so nervous around him, but today? It’s easy; it’s good, it’s right. Maybe sex really does change everything. I blush at that thought.
“Something on your mind you want to share?” He raises his eyebrows as if he knows exactly what thought just crossed my mind.
“No, nothing at all.” I cover up my smile by bringing my cup to my lips once again.
AS THE DAY passes on, Drew and I continue with our conversation and getting to know each other through the “lost years”, as he’s now referring to them.
We ordered some lunch and talked. When I thought we had run out of conversation, we talked some more. It was great catching up on his life. I’ve since found out he loves all eighties rock music, one of his favorite movies of all time is Top Gun—no shocker there—and that he wants to travel before settling down with a family. There are some things he kind of passed over though. Like some years concerning Jax, and then his dating life. I didn’t really read too much into it because I grazed over mine, as well.
It’s nearing the end of a normal work day, and I’ve managed to get a pretty healthy dose of Andrew Trey Dean.
“We still on for tonight?” He’s so adorable. I can’t believe this guy. I really can’t believe in just a few weeks what’s happened between us. It’s so unreal, but I’m starting to see it in the best way possible. I don’t want to cancel on tonight, but I really feel the need to get some things off of my chest with Cass and Ade.
“Can I take a rain check?” I give him pleading eyes, feeling the need to explain. “I really need to chat with the girls.”
“I don’t need an explanation.” He stands, walks over to me, and pulls me into his embrace. “A rain check was the only answer I needed.” He kisses the top of my head releasing his arms from around me.
“Okay, well then let’s make plans for...?”
“Tomorrow night.” He grins down at me as if the answer was so obvious.
I nod my head in agreement. “Tomorrow night it is.”
HEARING ABOUT KENNIE’S life when I was gone, the changes she went through, and the friends she made and lost? It makes me feel closer to her in some way. In talking with her, I did notice she grazed over the topic of her exes—as did I, so it wasn’t an entirely huge deal. I didn’t want to hear about Wes, or whatever it was that prick did to turn her against herself. In time she may want to confide in me. When or if the time comes, I hope to have everything I need to, off my chest. I would love for nothing more than to move forward with her in my life.
I enter my place and realize it’s a little after six. I hear Jax talking on the phone to someone. “Everything’s good, mom. We’re adjusting, work is good. I’m good, Drew’s good, we’re all good.”
My mother is such a worrier. I’m surprised she hadn’t called me too, honestly. I enter the kitchen where I see him looking through the fridge. He straightens up pulling out a can of soda. He looks over to me rolling his eyes. “Yes, mom he’s fine, I’m looking right at him.” He hands me the phone.
“Hey mom, how are you?”
“Andrew honey, I tried calling you earlier. Did Vicki get a hold of you? She had me really concerned. Going on and on about how much she needed to talk to you.”
“Yes, I did talk to her. Mom she didn’t need anything, she’s just being her normal self.”
“Well, I know you two—”
“How are things up there? How’s dad?” I cut her off because I really don’t want to hear anything more about Vicki.
“Oh he’s good. He’s got a lot more free time, which works out for the both of us.”
I hear the smile in her voice. “Glad to hear it, mom. I’ll give you a call later this week, okay?”
“Sure honey, catch up soon. I love you. Tell that brother of yours the same.”
I laugh, “Sure, chat later, love you too.”
I hang up the phone and hand it back to Jax. “How was your day off?”
I give him a smirk. “I’m sure it was better than your day at work.”
He takes a chug of his soda. “Truer words were never spoken. What did you two end up doing?”
“Actually, a whole lot of nothing. We just sat around and talked. We caught up on a lot of things, talked about the past some. That was about it.”
“Cool.” He switches topics. “So how about I beat your ass in some Call of Duty?”
“Ha! You wish. You’re on.”
DREW’S GONE AND I called Cass and Ade over for some dinner, drinks and girl talk. An hour from the time I spoke with them, my doorbell rings; it’s Ade. “Hey girl, come on in,” I tell her, stepping aside so she can walk in.
“Hey chica, what’s up? Everything okay?”
“Yeah I’m good. I just wanted to talk to you girls about some stuff is all.” I think getting some things off of my chest with them will help our friendship. I have a lot to make up for. I know they love and support me. I feel like this will bring us closer.
“Well, I don’t want to press my luck, but please tell me it has something to do with the Saturday before last? With you and that impressive outburst you had with the Victoria’s Secret angel.”
I roll my eyes following behind her down my hallway.
“Don’t roll your eyes at me.” How did she know? “I have eyes in the back of my head, remember?” she tosses over her shoulder.
She stops and turns around right in front of my kitchen bar. “Will wine be involved?”
“Don’t you have to work tomorrow? It’s only Tuesday, remember?”
“A glass…or four won’t kill me.”
“Sure,” I respond sarcastically. “You know where it is, help yourself.” I point to the direction of my wine cabinet.
“Perfect.”
My doorbell rings again. I excuse myself to answer it. It’s Cass. Now that they’re
both here, I can tell them what’s been on my mind. The only person I kept sidestepping since Saturday was Drew. But the air’s clear with him now, and I don’t have to feel on edge and childish about dodging him when I’m home.
“Do you girls want to sit outside or inside?”
“It’s so beautiful out, let’s just sit out there.” Ade says.
Taking a seat outside, I grab the bottle of wine and place it on the table. Not too long ago, I was here with Drew and it was…peaceful.
“So Mackenzie, is everything okay?” Cass’s face is etched with concern. I can see why that would be the first question anyone who knows me would ask. I mean, just a few weeks ago it was a fight to get two words out of me. I’ve progressed more in these past few weeks than I have the past year. I’m not a hundred percent now, but I will be.
Eventually.
“Yes girls, all is well.” I take a deep breath. “I just…well I know after the Halloween party, there may be some questions of the like.”
“You bet your ass there are.”
“Ha-ha Ade, I know.” Taking a sip of my wine “So obviously you both know what happened between Sammy and I, and her part in it all. But I don’t feel it explains most of what you witnessed.”
“Listen girl, had it been you or Cass that did to me, what you would witness would be twice what I saw. However, it was a beautiful thing to see.” Ade winks at me.
“Well I appreciate your approval.”
Over the next couple of hours, I went into lengthy detail of what exactly happened that day, the events leading up to it; why I never said anything. I apologized for my distance and what a terrible friend I’ve been. I explained to them my thoughts of finally feeling ready to stop letting life pass me by. Tears have been shed, and yet, I still feel enlightened.
Grabbing a tissue from the box on my patio table, Cass sniffles out, “Mackenzie, we had no idea what you had bottled up for so long. You’ve been so closed off. We were worried we wouldn’t be able to get you back.” She grabs my hand. “But here you are,” she glances at Ade. “We couldn’t be any more proud of that fact alone.”
Ending a Broken Journey Page 16