You’re so close, but yet so far.
I can hear your laugh,
See your smile,
And when I close my eyes?
Envision the way you looked at me.
You’re so close, but yet so far.
I decided to be the one to say when.
I decided to be the one who said never again.
You’re so close, but yet so far.
I remember the talks we had.
The late nights we spent together.
The way I felt alive when you were near.
You’re so close, but yet so far.
Because of me?
I fear you were the one I shouldn’t have lost.
You were the one who I should let fight,
At any cost.
I was hurt—I am hurt at what you held back from me.
I don’t want to forgive you,
But as far as I can see?
I forgave you the minute you took that blow.
I forgave you the minute you came pounding on my door.
I forgave you the minute you said you love me.
When you looked at the floor and,
When the faint tears streamed from your
Pale. Beautiful. Green eyes.
You’re so close, but yet so far.
I know I have forgiven you, but trust?
Trust is the one luxury I cannot afford,
To lose again,
To have built back up—again.
Trust is the one luxury in this world,
That can take on a life of its own.
When it breaks?
It takes all of you with it.
As I sit,
With you so close, but yet so far,
I wonder if you’ll stop trying to win me back,
If you’ll find me worth the effort.
If you’ll believe that one day,
You’ll just have to come to me and say
Mackenzie, I love you.
And know you’re close and will forever remain close.
That my journey of a broken girl?
Ended when I picked up the pieces,
Looked into your eyes,
And realized,
The disbelief and lies of others,
The self-doubt that I let smother?
Was the true test of myself.
Second chances aren’t always earned,
Sometimes they’re given.
My journey ended when I decided
To grab that second chance,
In the form of a childhood crush,
Take my time, and not rush.
And learn to accept that no one is perfect.
But that someone,
With the mess of brown hair,
The adorable grin, and,
The genuine heart?
Has always been, and will always be perfect…
For me.
I close my journal, and smile to myself. I didn’t realize I would be willing to, at the very least, give Drew the opportunity to explain to me something—anything. When I told him goodbye, in my state, I really thought it was true. I’m not sure if he’ll keep trying, but maybe it’s time I make things happen. What I do know is even if my heart can’t take another devastating blow, I’m strong enough to believe in him; to believe he’s worth the second chance.
“You look so much younger than you really are in that outfit, you know.”
I glance up to see a tall, and vibrantly colored tattooed man, with a lopsided goofy grin on his face. I look down at what I’m wearing. In Florida, the changes in temperature can be drastic, so what with today being a pretty warm day, I opted for a short, spaghetti strapped white sundress and my trusty, comfortable blue Converse sneakers. I knew deep down somewhere, one of the Dean boys would find me here. I didn’t think it would be Jax first, but then again we do pass this playground from time to time on our jogs together. Admittedly, I’ve been purposely not going on our jogs because, until this miraculous epiphany I’ve just had, I didn’t want any more reminders of either one.
Now looking at his face, and the smile in his eyes, it’s no wonder I avoided him like the plague. He’s just too irresistible and charming, in his own way, for words. I forgive him, just like I knew I would, eventually…but he doesn’t know it yet.
Folding my arms into each other, the expression I wear gives away nothing. The grin on his face fades.
“Oh come on Mackenzie, how long are you gonna to stay mad at me?” He crosses through the sand, and with a big huff, places himself on the empty swing beside me. “Weeks? Months? How long will you torture my soul?” he questions, way too dramatically clutching his fists together at his chest.
“How could you, Jax?” Looking at him sternly, I continue, “It wasn’t like we didn’t see each other every morning. It’s also not like that was something that could’ve slipped your mind for the better part of two months.”
He drops his hands to his lap. I notice his faded jeans, his favorite Led Zeppelin t-shirt, and boots—not running gear at all. His brown eyes bore into mine. “Listen babe, I love you more than a fat kid loves cake,” he chuckles at his own ridiculous analogy. “But he’s my brother. You have to understand, Drew has been there for me more than any single person in my entire life—especially when times were shit. I never agreed to him not being upfront with you, trust me. But, at the same time, it wasn’t my place to come between his and your relationship. I know that’s a terrible excuse, and now that it’s been said out loud, I sound like a total douche bag, but this is me being honest with you.” He lifts his hand to scratch the stubble on his face. “This is me asking you to forgive the most charming, most handsome guy you know.”
At that last part, I can’t help but laugh. I laugh so hard I’m wiping tears faster than they are coming down. Once my laughter subsides, and I can breathe properly, I ask, “You weren’t going for a jog at this time, what were you doing? Shouldn’t you be at work?”
“Since you’ve decided to half ass our runs and not show,” he shakes his head in a disapproving manner, “I came looking for you. Drew mentioned something about a playground a couple of times in passing, so I took a shot. You weren’t acknowledging either of our attempts, either. While Drew was handling some work stuff, I snuck out.” He takes a breath. “And no, I don’t technically need to be at work. It’s a break for the holidays remember? New Year’s is tomorrow.”
Has it really only been several days? God, it feels so much longer.
“So,” he playfully shoves my shoulder. “Are you going to forgive the flesh and blood of the man you love? Before you go asking, it’s written all over the both of your faces. I may be juvenile at times, but give me some credit.”
It suddenly dawns on me how similar the situation really is, paralleled to him and Sammy, I mean. Then I realize, “If I forgive you, I’ll have to forgive Sammy, too.”
“Hey now, I’m my own separate breed of awesome.” He winks at me, then becomes serious again. “However, I do think you should at least hear her out.” He stands and opens his arms wide. “Come on kiddo, bring it in.”
Smiling, I stand. “Kiddo? We’re the same age, Jax.”
“Yes, but I’m a couple of months older, in turn, making me wiser.” He squeezes his arms around me. When I pull back and look up at him he makes another goofy face. I playfully shove him back and then take a really good look at his arms. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“It looks like your tattoos cover some scars, yes?”
“Yes.”
“What do they symbolize?”
He swings his arm around my shoulder and we begin walking back. “They symbolize a more difficult time I had once in life…” he trails off, and drifts into another world. The expression on his face is one of distance. So, instead of pushing further, I let him have whatever memories surface. We continue our walk in silence and solace with our own thoughts.
JAX AND I walk up to our building a short while later. It�
�s become warmer in the time it took us to walk back from the playground. We’re playfully exchanging jabs at each other as we enter the lobby, when the laughter comes to a halt—Sammy is waiting on one of the sofas. Jax senses my hesitation and follows my gaze.
“Go talk to her.” He nudges my shoulder. “I’ll even be there if you want.”
I nod my head. “No, it’s really okay. I need to do this alone.”
“Okay, well you know where I’ll be if you need me.” He turns toward the elevator. “Oh hey Mackenzie,” he says as an afterthought.
“Yeah?”
“Will you do me a favor?”
He puts his hands on my shoulders. “I literally just forgave you, and now you want favors?” I pause for dramatic effect. “Sure, what is it?”
He chuckles, and then his eyes get serious. “Will you talk to Cass for me? Since Christmas, she’s been on the ‘chicks before dicks’ train and won’t answer or return my phone calls.”
I laugh in his face. “Chicks before dicks train?”
“M-hmm.”
“Okay, I’ll see what I can do.” I pat his shoulder once he releases his hands.
The amusement in his face is back almost instantly. “Okay go talk to her, and remember—if it results in a cat fight with hair pulling and ass grabbing—come get me first.”
I roll my eyes in response.
“I’m serious, that shit is hot.”
“Bye, Jax.”
I stroll over to where Sammy’s sitting, at the same time, she stands. Nothing reads across my face; a blank stare is all I can muster.
“Mackenzie,” she says, solemnly.
“Sammy.”
“I was hoping we could talk?”
I’m not sure whether or not it’s the talk I had with Jax that has me actually wanting to hear what she has to say to me. Could it make up for what she did? Probably not, but what are the holidays without a little forgiveness? Maybe Jax was a little easier to forgive since he wasn’t intentionally being a third party to royally screwing me over. The hurt, shock, and betrayal felt eerily similar, but I have compartmentalized each and every word spoken. For hours I did that these past few days, knowing the differences were vast.
“Before you say no, I’m moving back to Texas and I had to try one last time to give you, at the very least, some type of closure.”
“What’s in Texas?” I blurt out.
“My sister,” she says, barely above a whisper. I inhale a deep breath to keep my nerves in check. I need to give her a glimpse of a chance, so I’m trying to calm my temper at the thought of her sister.
“Sure, we can go upstairs. Follow me.”
We walk in silence to the elevator; silence to my door; silence through my house; and silence when we sit at my dining room table.
I clear my throat, “Would you like some tea?”
“Yes, that would be great, thanks.”
In the kitchen, grabbing the makings of tea, I ask, “Is milk okay? All I have is English Breakfast tea.”
“Perfect.”
Once the tea’s made and served, Sammy looks into her glass, not at me, before she begins. “Mackenzie. I don’t regret much in life—nothing actually—other than hurting you. I have no excuse for betraying your trust in me, so for that, an apology will never be enough.” He voice starts to shake a little. “My sister and I had so many problems over the years. We were supposed to get along, and tell each other secrets, and talk about boys, but somewhere along the line, my career became more important than my family.
“Jenny always resented that about me. She always made me feel guilty about my passion in life. I realize now, it was her way of acting out because our father walked out on us so long ago.” A lone tear escapes her eye. She wipes away at it quickly.
“When she came to stay with me, it was because she and my mother couldn’t stand each other anymore, I saw it as a golden opportunity for us to reconnect. When she saw Wes and you together, she wanted what you guys had—happiness.”
“Sammy,” I interject, “I can assure you by that time, happiness is not the term I would use to describe our relationship. We were just good at hiding our very private problems in public—mainly his problems with me.” My thoughts cloud over as she continues.
“Jenny was an immature and very jealous person. She envied you, everything about you. I know it doesn’t sound like the truth, but her actions spoke volumes. When she told me she took an interest in Wes, I warned her away from him. I told her that is not how we were raised, and that you were my best friend. It was such a ridiculous thing to admit to, but she didn’t want to hear any of what I had to say.
“When I told her I was going to go to you after she told me they’d slept together the first time, she said if I were truly her flesh and blood, I would want to see her happy. She said no sister of hers would put her out to a friend, no matter how good the friend is. She said she would be done with me forever if I said anything.”
Her watery eyes lift to mine. I had no idea Jenny had given her such an ultimatum. It doesn’t excuse her, but I can empathize with her. Having empathy towards her, given it was my life, speaks volumes to me about how far I’ve truly come on this journey of darkness and self-hatred.
“Sammy, I won’t pretend to agree with what happened, nor will I pretend to understand it being okay to keep something that big from me, but I will empathize with you. In a situation like that, I’m not sure what I would’ve done. At the time, I hated you and your sister for ruining my life, but all of this time later? The ways things came to fruition couldn’t have been more perfect.”
She uses the back of her hand to wipe her eyes. “Seriously? Just like that, you’re willing to give me a second chance?”
“I’m willing to forgive your actions, yes. I’m able to move past this and not hate you, yes. But a second chance…I’m not so sure of. I don’t know that we’ll ever be able to be what we once were, but, I do wish you all of the happiness and success in the world.”
Her hand reaches for mine and squeezes. “That’s more than I came prepared for, so I’ll take it.” She looks down at her watch, smoothing down her green maxi dress and primping her hair. “For what it’s worth, Jenny and Wes thought they could make it work. Every argument they got into was about trust. She was dating someone who lived back in Texas at the time. I don’t think you ever knew that…Anyway, the arguments lead to them doing what they did best to each other: cheat.”
She sniffed. “You know, a number of times I heard their arguments. He would always throw you in her face.”
“What do you mean ‘throw me in her face’?” My body shifts back in my chair.
“He always said ‘well Mackenzie would’ve never done this’, or ‘Mackenzie was way better to me than you’ll ever be’. It was always about you. One time, he even said losing you was the biggest mistake he’s ever made.”
I don’t know why, but that doesn’t ease my comfort in what’s become of Wes. I hated him for so long. It’s all I had to go on. The bad memories, the insecurities he bestowed delicately and strategically. Every bad moment with him up until the end, was all I replayed and allowed myself to believe. Now that I’ve embraced the people in my life who love me for me, and realized my actual worth, I wish nothing but happiness for him. Wherever life has taken him, I hope his journey wasn’t as rocky as mine, and that he too, has found the love deep down I know he deserves.
“You know, truthfully, I hope he’s happy. And as much as she may not deserve it from me, I hope Jenny’s happy too.” I raise my hand so she’s knows I’m not finished. “At the time, I thought this was it. I thought I deserved everything that came to me. You keeping everything from me, the self-loathing, the constant doubt, the unhappiness. It took some time, obviously, but I’ll never be able to move forward with my life if I keep holding on to the baggage. So, I forgive you. I hope you find happiness, too. Everyone deserves a chance to make things right.”
By the end of my speech, the wet drops splash on my ha
nd. She moves her cup, pushes her chair back, and hugs me tightly.
“I never thought you would find it in your heart to forgive me.”
“I never thought I would either. It’s the holidays,” I finish jokingly.
“Thank you. Thank you for hearing my feeble attempt at an apology. I want you to know, seeing you happy is all I wanted to take with me. I love you,” she finishes on a whisper. When she releases me, she shrugs. “It’s the holidays.”
I stand. “Take care, honey. Go take the modeling world by storm.”
“I intend to. I had some doors to close and demons to face, but now I’m ready.”
I give her one last hug and walk her to the door. “Good luck, Mackenzie. I can see you’ve got a great life here with people who truly care about you.”
“Thanks, I do. I really do.”
Without another word, she nods, hugs me one last time, and leaves.
I hear a low whistle in the hallway. “No hair pulling or ass grabbing, huh?”
“Seriously? You’re ridiculous.”
“Hey, you just recently came to terms with the fact that you couldn’t stay mad at me.”
My response is simply an eye roll.
“No, but in all seriousness, the thought of you being out of my life for good?”
I raise my brow in question.
“I never want to think of that happening. And I mean, like, ever.”
My hand cups his face. This tall, lighthearted, comedic goof ball—who is both charming and genuine in all facets—has, in his own way, bared himself to me. I love him so much as friend and I can’t remember what it was like before he was back in my life.
“I feel the same about you, Jax,” I say softly. “Now, why are you stalking me?”
“Stalking?” The corners of his mouth lift. “Nah, I was just curious as to when you’re going to extend the same courtesy you’ve shown me to this guy I know…about yay high?” His hand rises to a couple of inches above his own head. “Messy brown hair, has an extremely attractive younger brother…”
Ending a Broken Journey Page 27