FUCK! I run my hands through my hair in frustration. Looking at my floor, I notice the present that came crashing down and it all replays in my head again. The whole torturous scenario on repeat like my own personal silent horror film, slowly plucking away at all that made me whole, all that made me sane. I hurt the only woman who never deserved to be hurt again.
And.
I have no fucking clue how to make this right.
“Well then. Now that she’s out of the way, let’s continue the discussion about us, shall we?”
That voice. That nasal voice—which has since made my skin crawl for the better part of some years now—snaps me back from my internal battle.
“You. You sneaky, conniving—”
“Ah, ah, ah.” Vicki shakes her index finger at me. “I’m not the one who apparently lied to that poor, pathetic little girl.”
“Get the fuck out of my house. You knew exactly what you were doing when you came here. You knew the shit you’d be starting.” My voice rises almost to a yell.
Vicki doesn’t get angry. She speaks in the same calm condescending tone she uses on her family. “Listen honey, had you returned my phone calls to talk about this divorce, I wouldn’t be here—as I stated earlier.”
“Are you for fucking serious right now, Vicki?”
“Jax, sweetie, I don’t believe this is any of your concern.”
“Vicki, sweetie,” he retorts in a mocking tone. “You come into my house, start shit with my best friend, you better believe it becomes my fucking business.”
“Ugh. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?”
“Do you fuck around behind your husband’s back with that holier than thou attitude? Yes. I believe you do.”
Vicki’s face suddenly turns bright red—with anger. “Fuck you, Jax! You have no idea what happened between Andrew and me! You’re just some loser, with all of these tattoos to hide what you truly are. And you know what? You’ll always be just a piece of shit.”
What the fuck did she just say to my little brother? Before my anger boils over and I tell her exactly what I think about her, a voice speaks out.
“Excuse me?” I hadn’t even realized Cass walked into the living room until she spoke. “Hey guys, the door was open.” She looks at me, and then Jax.
“And who the hell are you?” Vicki turns around and spats the words at her.
“It’s none of your concern who the hell I am. However, it is a concern of mine when you degrade the people I care about. Now, I will only say this to you once. I don’t know who you are, I don’t care who you are, but from where I stand, it’s pretty obvious no one in this room wants you here. So take your ten dollar, boxed hair dye job, and shimmy your bony ass out the front door.”
Vicki isn’t used to people acting or talking to her the way Kennie and Cass have today, so she is at a loss for words. Her eyes go wide at Cass and then she spins back around to look at Jax and I. Standing with our arms crossed over our chest, we hold a stance that says we agree with what she just said. She pins her glare on me.
“This isn’t over, Andrew.”
“Yes, it is. You fucked this up between us. Remember that. I wasn’t the one who was sleeping around with anyone I’d open my legs too. Should you continue to drag this out, know that I will not stop until you get nothing. I left you with everything, so I can start a new life here. My advice to you? Take it and move the fuck on. You’ve ruined enough things of importance to me. This,” I wave my hand around to demonstrate the broken gift on the floor and the all of the angry people in the room, “is the last fucking straw. Now, what was it that you said?” I look to Cass for help.
She clears her throat. “Take your ten dollar boxed hair dye job and shimmy your bony ass out the front door.”
“Yes, that’s it, now go.”
Without another word, she spins on her heel out the door. When it slams shut, Cass crosses her arms over her chest. She gives me a hard stare. “Drew. In putting two and two together, I would venture a guess that you two are still technically married?”
“Yes,” I say just above a whisper.
“And Mackenzie didn’t know, did she?”
“No.”
She turns on Jax. “And you knew about all of this, didn’t you?”
“Yes.” My brother bows his head.
She lets out a long heavy sigh. “I can only imagine what Mackenzie’s thinking right now, but I’m sure none of it is good. She trusted the both of you and if you haven’t been able to tell, that’s hard for her.” She looks at the both of us with a mix of emotions. “I need time to process this.”
“Wait, you’re leaving?” Jax looks so broken. I can barely stand to see that kind of pain on his features again. It’s too reminiscent of a more difficult time in his life.
“Yes, I’m leaving. I’ll call you, if and when I’m ready.” Cass turns her gaze to me and her hazel eyes hold so much, it’s hard to read. “And you,” she sighs again. “I just don’t know what to say, I expected more from you when it comes to her, I really did.” She turns to make her way towards the door. Calling over her shoulder, she adds, “You both should know I hitched a ride over here with Kip.”
Once Cass is gone, I count the ways this situation can play out—especially with Kip over there. He might actually be considering murder.
“I fucking told you to come clean to her.”
I snap my head up. “Yeah, I know you did, and yeah, obviously I didn’t.”
“I fucking told you. Now because you kept telling me you would tell her, and you made me promise not to say anything, she may never talk to either of us again. Bravo, big brother. Bra-fucking-vo.”
“I know, I chickened out. I know I could’ve told her on so many different occasions and I fucking didn’t. You happy now?”
“Am I happy?” he repeats sarcastically. “No I’m not happy. This whole entire day has gone to shit because you couldn’t grow a set of balls and one: tell the woman you’re with the truth. Two: tell the woman you’re with that you love her.”
I face him, my expression wide eyed and open mouthed. “You knew?” How could he know? I just figured it out myself.
“Of course I fucking did. It’s written all over the both of your faces. I know what it looks like, because, if you remember, I was that happy once.”
He’s right. He was that happy once upon a time. “But I barely figured it out myself.”
“Doesn’t matter. She loves you too, man. She loves the both of us in different ways, and now? Who knows? It’s all gone to shit.”
He rubs his hands over his face. When he moves to face me, his eyes are bloodshot.
“I should’ve fucking said something to her. I was so selfish. And now because of me, she doesn’t want to see either of us again.”
“Yup. I heard those words too. I can’t not have her in my life, I don’t care what you do, fix this shit.” He takes a deep breath. “I kept this secret for you. I love you, but you need to do whatever it takes to fix this. You hear me?” He walks towards me and put his hand on my shoulder.
“Yeah, I hear you.”
“Good, what are you waiting for? Go after her. Now.”
He’s right. I nod my head and rush out the door. I jog the few doors down and start banging on her door. It’s not over. It can’t be. I keep pounding until the door flies open.
Shit. I forgot about Cass’ warning. I’m standing face to face, head to head, and toe to toe, with an angry pair of hazel eyes, and a very pissed off older brother by the name of Kip.
He steps outside of the door, turning around to slowly close it. When he faces me again, I see his jaw clenching.
“Now I’m wondering,” he starts off. “Why I come over to my sister’s house and find her curled into a ball on her bed sobbing.” He crosses his arms over his chest. “I haven’t gotten much out of her, but I know she wouldn’t be crying that hard for nothing. So. Tell me. Did you have something to do with this?”
“Listen.” I hold my ha
nds up. “Let me explain—”
“That’s not what I asked you. What I asked you is if you had anything to do with why my baby sister is in hysterics right now.”
His tone is even. I know this tone. Kip doesn’t get angry over much, but when it comes to her, no rules apply.
“Yes, but—” I’m caught off guard at the fist that comes flying toward my face and connecting with my jaw in a hard blow. I stumble back. Another fist makes its way back to me. I take a second hard blow. The pain of two direct punches, in the same spot, make the side of my face throb.
“I fucking warned you, man. I fucking told you if you hurt her in any way this is what it would come to.”
His fist flies at me again, but this time my instincts kick in and I block his punch. I can taste the rust in my mouth from his punches.
“I know, but you didn’t give me a chance to explain.” I block another one of his punches and push him away from me.
“Explain what, you prick? What is it that you need to explain? You aren’t coming anywhere near her, so you can fucking forget it.”
I block him again, but his left arm comes so quick I don’t have time to react. He connects with the opposite side of my jaw.
“Hold the fuck on.” Jax comes out of nowhere to hold Kip back. I rub my jaw.
“I said let me explain.”
“And I said if you hurt my sister, there would be consequences. You would’ve done well to heed my advice.”
He struggles against Jax’s hold. “I didn’t know she was coming man. I had no idea. I told her it was over. I sent her the divorce papers. She just came out of fucking nowhere. I swear I was going to tell Kennie,” I ramble out and realize the pain of my words.
How the fuck am I going to fix this mess?
“You’re telling me you’re fucking married?!” Kip roars out. “Jax let me fucking go. Now.”
“No way. You need to calm down.”
“Fuck you. Fuck the both of you.”
“Enough. All three of you. Enough.” My eyes see past Kip to Kennie. She’s sniffling, her eyes are blood shot red and Cass is rubbing her shoulders. “Just stop it. It’s Christmas day for crying out loud,” she finishes weakly.
Kip stops struggling with Jax at the same time Jax lets him go. “Mackenzie, go back inside. I’m handling this.”
“No, I will not let you ‘handle this’. This isn’t what I wanted from any of you.” She raises her hand to her brother’s face. “Go home and get some rest. We’ll talk about this tomorrow. I’ll have a better handle on things and will be ready to talk. I promise. I love you, now please just go home.”
“Mack—”
“I mean it, Kip.”
He nods his head, steps inside for a minute and comes out with his jacket and keys in hand. He glances in Jax’s and my direction, turning back towards his sister, he reiterates, “Are you sure? I’m not okay with leaving right now and you know it.”
“Yes, I’m sure. Please go before you get yourself into trouble.”
“This isn’t over,” he huffs out to my brother and me.
I know he means it. It’s not over for him. He’s royally fuckin’ pissed, and his sister is the one thing that sets him off.
“Sweetheart, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please just talk to me. Just let me explain.”
As she stands in her doorway, with Cass still rubbing her shoulders, I’ve never seen a more beautifully broken sight, and I know this can’t be the end.
“I love you Kennie. I love you so much.”
Her eyes go wide at my confession, but then her expression changes, back to the one I saw at my place—betrayal.
“I’m sorry, Drew. I can’t do this with you right now.”
“Mackenzie, just hear him out.” Jax comes up to pat my shoulder in understanding.
“I can’t do this with either of you right now. Please just let me be.”
I walk up to her and place her face between my hands. “Sweetheart, I promise you, my feelings for you are real. I’ve never met someone who’s made me want to be the best version of who I am. Just let me make things right.” I press my lips against hers. “Please,” I whisper against her lips.
She takes a small step back and smiles at me. Tears slipping down her cheeks, she raises her hand and cups my face. She rubs my stubble against her thumb. Back and forth in slow movements and if this is all she can give me for right now, if I can know that she will give me a tomorrow and the next day, then she can have the time she needs. She reaches up on her tippy toes and presses her lips softly against mine, closing her eyes. Her lips stay that way for a heartbeat longer than normal. When she pulls back and opens her eyes, I lean my forehead to hers.
“Kennie, you’ll never begin to understand how sorry I am for my shit timing, and not being upfront with you.” I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. My eyes brim with tears at what I’ve put her through. I see exactly what pain I’ve caused, and witnessing the hurt is enough to bring any man to tears.
“No,” she responds. “I don’t believe I’ll ever be able to begin to understand how sorry you are.” We wipe at the tears escaping freely simultaneously for each other. “But, I don’t think I would forgive myself if I gave you another chance to hurt me. I’m sorry, Drew. This is goodbye,” she whispers, so softly, I barely hear her.
She kisses me one last time. Her beautiful crystal blue eyes hold so much pain and it’s all because of me. She turns around, with Cass behind her, gives me one last look, and then shuts her door.
She said this is goodbye.
This can’t be. She can’t have shut the door on us forever.
BACK AND FORTH, I swing slowly. Holding my journal in one hand on my lap and my other on the chain of the swing, I rock, back and forth. It’s only been several days since I found out what Drew was hiding from me, but truthfully, it may as well be months or years. I’ve recounted the scenario so many times in my head, I wonder if everything I heard was accurate, or if I’m imagining things. What I do know, is, he’s technically still married, whether or not he wants to be. And, that he loves me.
I’ll admit, it was probably the worst timing possible to confess the words “I love you” to someone, but is there ever actually a perfect time? I’m not trying to kid myself. I know I love him too. More than I ever thought it possible to love someone. He made me feel safe, and special, and perfect just the way I am. I’ve come to find that different people can bring out different characteristics of a person and sometimes, it can be an amazing beginning to a story.
I’d like to believe Drew brought out a Mackenzie I didn’t know existed anymore—simply by being himself. Since I’ve ignored all of his attempts at talking to me, I may have lost my shot too. Did I overreact in saying I never wanted to see or speak to him—or Jax for that matter—again? Should I have heard him out regardless of the shock? Kip made it hard to even consider listening to anything he had to say. I know he’s overprotective and loves me, but I never thought he would actually come to blows with Drew. I suppose him being the way he is, it should’ve come as no surprise. In any case, I’ll never know if hearing Drew out would’ve made a difference to me when my mind was whirling about him being married. Truthfully, this heartbreak wiped the last one off the map and, well, my pride is wounded.
However, yesterday, I came to the concrete decision that I was going to forgive Drew and work on another chance between us. This decision came as rapidly as when I saw what I did when I opened my door…
THERE WAS A light knocking so I gathered my blanket around me and shuffled to the door. My hair was a mess; I still had tissues around because I would start crying randomly. When I looked through my peephole, I saw no one. I unlocked and opened my door and saw nothing. Before I closed it, I looked down and saw a glass jar filled with folded pieces of paper and a note lying next to it, addressed to me. My heart started beating faster because I would recognize that jar and hand writing anywhere—it was the jar I gave to Drew years ago on his last visit back. My eyes
blurred with new tears as I leaned down to pick it up. I turned my head and saw Drew standing there, I froze and he gave me a half smile before walking back into his place. I locked my door, went back to my couch, and opened the letter:
Kennie,
Just because I never came back, doesn’t mean I didn’t take your advice over the years on what the purpose for the jar was. It wasn’t completely filled because a lot of years weren’t all that great. It didn’t become full until I came back, and you were in my life. I know I fucked up, but I hope this can be a start to having your forgiveness.
I love you, Sweetheart,
-Drew
All of that brought on more waterworks—mainly because over the years, I’d forgotten about the jar. I twisted the top off and started to unfold letters one by one, becoming immersed in what he considered highlight moments in his life. They ranged from getting good grades on finals; to having his first drink legally, to people he’d met in his life that helped him along the way. I felt connected to him and that I too, was around to celebrate all of these good times. I started reading from the bottom of the jar, so when I got to the top, all of the ones I started to read were about me; seeing me again, our first date, the first time we had sex, the time he decided to be brave enough to say he loves me—even after being punched by my brother. In that moment, I knew. He may have really messed up by keeping his marriage from me, but he undoubtedly was meant to be mine.
This brings me to today; swaying on the swing, and thinking about everything that happened on Christmas. Vicki stuck out the most because of the hurtful things she said, but I’ve realized spite and jealousy make for a very dangerous combination. I hadn’t met Vicki before, but apparently, in some past life, I did something to her. I honestly can’t wrap my mind around the animosity she has towards me. It makes no sense—on top of insulting me, and my looks, as if I haven’t gone down that road before. It’s all very…surreal. I breathe in a deep sigh, crack open my journal, and begin writing.
Ending a Broken Journey Page 26