Sunsets and Shades

by Erica Lee

  Normally, I would have found this one-liner humorous, but not after the way they had just treated a girl that could have been a very good time for me. And for what reason? It’s not like I was tied down. Why shouldn’t I be allowed to have a little fun? “Whatever Leah. You three have your thing today. Count me out of it.”

  I walked away from the campsite without saying another word and headed down toward the lake. Once I was there, I began skipping rocks into the water. Well, if you could call it that. I was more so just chucking them in order to get out all of my frustration. My throws were interrupted by someone putting a hand on my shoulder. I whipped around to see Grace staring at me with those big green eyes; big green eyes that looked extremely sad at the moment. I hated to see her like this, but what I hated even more was the fact that I cared.

  “What’s going on, Kinsley?” Grace asked softly.

  “What’s going on?! I was just trying to have a good time, and all of my so-called friends decided to keep that from happening.”

  “I’m sorry about that,” Grace apologized. “I think Liam and Leah were just trying to look out for me.”

  “Look out for you?!” I snarled. “What?! They need to protect you from mean old Kinsley? Reality check, Grace. We’re not together. Having amazing sex and snuggling up in a tent doesn’t suddenly make us a couple.”

  Grace’s eyes became more sad the longer I spoke, but I forced myself not to care. She looked at the ground and kicked around a rock, before looking back at me. “I never said we were together Kinsley. I know where we stand. That’s not what either of us are looking for.”

  “Exactly. I don’t want to get tied down, and you are still stuck on that goddamn ex of yours and, at this point, you probably always will be. It’s pathetic.”

  The sadness drained from Grace’s face and was instantly replaced by anger. I didn’t know that it was actually possible for someone to turn that shade of red, but Grace was pulling it off beautifully. “Seriously Kinsley?! I don’t even know what to say to you anymore. God! Why are you such an asshole?!”

  I wanted to fight back and tell her that I wasn’t an asshole, but that would be a lie. Every single thing I had done so far today would qualify me as an asshole, and I knew Grace didn’t deserve it, especially not that last comment. I was too fired up at this point to apologize though. “Do you want to know why I’m an asshole? Do you really want to know?!” I yelled.

  “Yes Kinsley! Tell me. Tell me this big secret as to why you choose to be such a jerk when I know that deep down you’re one of the nicest, most caring people in this world.” Even though her words were complimentary, her tone was still laced in anger.

  My emotions continued to build, and I couldn’t believe that the words I was about to say were actually going to leave my mouth, but I also knew that I couldn’t stop them at this point. “Fine!” I screamed. “I’ll tell you. I’m an asshole because I had my heart broken. No, correction, shattered. I’m a freaking cliche, Grace. I hate love because I can’t deal with the fact that I once had it and lost it and almost lost my goddamn mind because of it. Being an asshole is my way of pushing people away to make sure that never happens again. I can say whatever I want about you, but I’m still letting a relationship affect me that ended over 9 years ago. Who is the pathetic one now?!” Before I could stop them, tears were running down my face. God, I really hated Grace for having this effect on me.

  Grace reached out and put a hand on my arm, which I promptly pulled away. “Kinsley, I’m so…”

  I turned away from her. “Stop. Please, Grace. Just leave me alone.” When she refused to move, I turned back toward her. “Seriously, go! I don’t want to talk to you right now.”

  I was happy to see that this time Grace obeyed my commands. I needed to be alone at this time. No one should have to deal with this. I didn’t even want to deal with this.

  Chapter 14: Grace

  Almost a week had passed since Kinsley’s breakdown on our camping trip, and she had yet to talk to me. It wasn’t from lack of trying on my part. Each day, I knocked on her door, asking for her to come out and was met with the same voice telling me to give her space. I was still pissed about how she had treated me on our trip, but at this point, I was more worried than I was mad. I had a feeling that Kinsley hadn’t ever opened up to anyone about her breakup, or even her relationship for that matter. Leah and I had spent a lot of time together the past week and from talking to her, I had deduced that she knew nothing about Kinsley’s emotional confession. Of course, I didn’t share it with her. That was Kinsley’s story to share if she ever chose to. Everytime we hung out, Leah stressed that I should give Kinsley time and space, but not hold it against her. Kinsley and Leah had quickly made up after she returned to the campsite later in the afternoon, and Kinsley had actually agreed to go to dinner with her a few nights later. Leah was still insistent upon the fact that Kinsley was such a jerk to me because she had feelings for me, but I wasn’t sure if I agreed with that. I thought the whole “she’s mean because she likes you” thing died in kindergarten. What did it matter anyway? I was still a mess from my relationship with Becky, and Kinsley had a world of problems of her own. Plus, I wasn’t fully convinced that I had feelings for her. Sure, I could barely handle the thought of her close to me without becoming ridiculously turned on, but it wasn’t just about the sex. The way it felt when she held me in her arms was indescribable. I never remembered feeling that safe in Becky’s arms, even before she started cheating on me. It felt like I belonged there. Like I was made for that space between her arms. When we were molded together like that, the analogy about people being two puzzle pieces made perfect sense to me. Even with my hopeless romantic heart, I could never wrap my head around that idea, until now. Still, she was crude and closed off and almost never took life seriously.

  My thoughts were interrupted by a knock on my door. I found it strange that Leah would be knocking when this was technically her room, and she had told me she was leaving for Liam’s at least an hour ago, but I didn’t know who else it would be. It’s not like it was going to be… “Kinsley.” My voice shook when I saw it was her standing on the other side of my doorway.

  She held up a tiny bag that looked to have some sort of treat inside. “I was just wondering if you wanted to give Lenny his bedtime cookie. Spoiler alert. It’s not actually a cookie, but don’t tell him that. It’s actually just a bunch of herbs and really good for his digestive system. He also should get a bath tonight, so you can watch that too if you want. I’m sure you already know this, but chinchillas don’t bathe in water - they bathe in dust.” I recognized this rambling. This was the same type of rambling that Kinsley did when we were about to have sex for the first time. I wondered if it was some sort of nervous habit. All I knew is that whatever it was, it was pretty freaking adorable and was causing all of my remaining anger to melt away.

  When I didn’t immediately answer, Kinsley’s face dropped and she went to turn around. “You probably don’t. I’m sorry. Forget I mentioned it.”

  Before I could even process what had just happened, she was back in her room with the door shut. I hurried across the hall and opened her bedroom door without even knocking. “Of course I want to give Lenny a cookie and watch him take a bath. Why would I want to do anything else on a Friday night?”

  The sweet smile on Kinsley’s face in response to my words, made me want to grab that face and kiss it endlessly. I had to force myself to move that thought way to the back of my mind. We hadn’t even technically made up yet. The last thing I should have been thinking about was kissing her. Kinsley reached into the little baggie she was holding and handed me the chinchilla cookie as if it were gold. “Now you can either tease him with it a little, or you can just hand it right to him through the bars. I, of course, tease him, but that’s up to you.”

  I decided on the latter. If this chinchilla had to put up with Kinsley for the past 13 years, he deserved to get his treat without any struggle. I held the cookie up to the c
age, and when he ran over to the spot where I was standing, slipped it through the bars. I squealed when he took the cookie in his tiny paws and began nibbling on it. “He is just so adorable,” I beamed.

  “Obviously. He does take after his mama.” Kinsley followed her statement with a wink.

  A few weeks ago this not-so-subtle brag would have driven me insane, but I was starting to find that it was one of the many personality traits of Kinsley’s that I found charming. “Fishing for compliments?”

  “Don’t have to. I know you agree with me.” Kinsley flashed me another smile that had me going weak in the knees. When I smiled back at her, ours eyes stayed locked on each other, and the air became thick with the best kind of tension. I’m not sure how long we stayed like this, but I wasn’t willing to look away. There was more said in that moment than any words could have conveyed.

  “Grace… I...” Kinsley finally broke eye contact to look toward the chinchilla cage. “I think this guy is ready for his bath.”

  I tried to hide my disappointment over the emotional shift in the room, by focusing on the chinchilla, who was now crawling into a tube filled with dust. Kinsley and I both laughed as he rolled around in the powdery mass. After a few minutes, Kinsley looked away from Lenny to look over at me. “Just so you know, this is my way of apologizing for being a jerk and for pulling away from you.”

  I feigned surprise. “Wait. Is Kinsley Scott actually trying to say sorry?”

  She pushed her shoulder into mine. “Believe it or not, it does happen every once in awhile.” Kinsley’s whole demeanor then changed. “I really am sorry Grace. I’m honestly not so sure why you’re still putting up with me, but I want you to know that I’m really happy that you are.” The sincerity in her voice sent another whirlwind of emotions through me.

  I laid my hand on top of hers and was happy when she didn’t pull it away. “You’re not a bad person Kinsley, no matter how much you want people to believe that.”

  Another quick moment passed between Kinsley and I before she started to chuckle. “It’s the chinchilla, isn’t it? He’s the reason you keep coming back,” she joked.

  “Obviously. I’m just dying to know what this supersized penis looks like. It’s actually been on my lesbian bucket list for years.”

  Kinsley cackled at my joke. “You’re surprisingly funny when you want to be.”

  I tapped my nose against hers, forcing myself to back up instead of kissing her. “And you’re surprisingly sweet.”

  “Speaking of being sweet, what do you say I order us Chinese, and then you can show me what this Pretty Little Liars is all about?” Be. still. my. Heart.

  ***

  “So, you’re telling me that you actually got Kinsley to watch, not just one, but two episodes of Pretty Little Liars?” Leah laughed as we sat at dinner with her and Liam the next night.

  “Yep,” I bragged. “And I totally think I could get her to watch the whole series.” At least, I hoped that I could. I wanted to find any excuse that I could to snuggle close to Kinsley on the couch with her strong arm wrapped around me, just like I had last night.

  Leah laughed even harder now. “Good luck with that. Kinsley has never committed to anything in her life.”

  I knew Leah was just messing around, but I couldn’t help but feel defensive over Kinsley. I had no question that she had it in her to be the person that other people didn’t see; the person that I was lucky enough to catch glimpses of. “That’s actually not true,” I pointed out. “She has been very dedicated to Lenny ever since she got him.”

  Leah stabbed a piece of steak onto her fork, then pointed it toward me. “That’s a good point. She’s had that rat forever.”

  “It’s a chinchilla,” Kinsley and I answered together.

  Leah and Liam gave each other a look, then turned back toward us. “You two are freaking adorable when you’re not trying to claw each other’s eyes out.” Leah’s eyes lit up as if she had just had an epiphany. “By the way, Liam and I have to stay at our place tonight, so it’s going to be a bit crowded. Sorry.”

  “We do?” Liam questioned.

  “Yes. Remember? The apartment above yours flooded, and now there is water leaking from the ceiling in your bedroom?”

  “Ouch. I mean duh. The flood. How could I forget the flood?”

  I ignored Leah and Liam’s strange interaction, because I was already running the logistics of the sleeping arrangement through my head. I knew where I desperately wanted to spend the night, but I wasn’t going to suggest that. Nothing good ever came of Kinsley and I sleeping in close quarters. Ok, that wasn’t true, but the fall out was always negative.

  Kinsley gave me a reassuring smile and patted me on the knee. “No worries. I’ll just sleep on the couch.” Really? She chose this time to be chivalrous?

  “I can’t make you do that,” I argued. “I’ll take the couch.”

  “Here’s a crazy idea. Why don’t you both just sleep in Kinsley’s bed? It wouldn’t be the first time, and I don’t think any of us need to pretend it will be the last.” Leah smirked across the table at us, clearly satisfied with herself for calling us out again.

  Kinsley shrugged her shoulders. “I’m ok with it if you are.”

  Of course I was ok with it. I was more than ok with it. I tried to push aside the thoughts about what could happen while sharing her bed, because I knew there was something more important that needed to happen. This was going to be the perfect opportunity to finally address Kinsley’s big confession.

  Chapter 15: Kinsley

  I groaned in response to Grace’s question about my camping trip breakdown. Although, I had to admit, I was surprised it had taken her this long to bring it up. She certainly wasn’t someone to just let things go, especially a meltdown of epic proportions like mine. I couldn’t decide if she was a genius or just plain cruel for bringing it up once we were tucked into bed for the night.

  “You don’t have to tell me everything, but please just give me something, Kinsley.”

  I took a deep, calming breath. I wasn’t used to allowing myself to be vulnerable, but I wanted to be that person for Grace. “You know how I told you that Lenny’s full name is Lenny Lesden Scott?” Grace gave me a look that told me I better not be trying to avoid this topic by giving more useless facts about the chinchilla, but I shook my head. “I promise this is relevant. Lesden was the name of a chatroom I used to go in when I was a teenager. Yes, I do realize how weird and shady that sounds, but you have to realize that I was a lonely and scared baby gay trying to get by in a small town in the early 2000’s.”

  “Hey, I’m not judging,” Grace laughed. “At least you knew who you were.”

  “Barely,” I scoffed. “I ended up meeting another teenage girl on there named Nikki Cramer. We started out as chat room buddies, which led to private messaging, and eventually, we exchanged numbers. She became one of my best friends. She was actually the person who encouraged me to buy Lenny, which is why I named him after the chatroom. It was my way of naming him after her without being overly obvious to my friends and family. Anyway, junior year we both admitted that we had feelings for each other. Nikki actually ended up coming out to her friends and family later that year, and she told me that we could be a couple if she felt like there was a chance that it could actually go somewhere. So, I told her that I would go to whatever college she wanted to go to so we could be together. I was madly in love at this point and would have done anything for her. Plus, I wanted to get as far away from my town as possible, so going to college a half hour from her Wisconsin hometown sounded like a good deal to me.”

  Grace listened intently as I spoke, hanging on to every word I said, which encouraged me to keep going. “I refused to tell anyone in my life why I had chosen that random college that I had never even gone to visit. I wouldn’t even tell my grandma anything. I just packed up my things and never looked back, literally. It was actually a super dumb plan on my part, obviously. For all I knew, this girl was playing me or not
who she said she was, but I refused to believe that could be the case. It turns out that it wasn’t. She was exactly who she claimed to be. It truly felt like a real life fairytale. I was finally living my life as my authentic self, and I was actually accepted by her friends and family. They accepted me. They accepted our relationship. It was nothing like what I suspected my hometown would have been. I figured this was what the rest of my life was going to be.”

  “What happened?” Grace asked softly, running a finger over my cheek. I stared down at her other hand that was just barely resting on my hip. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to talk about this next part. How do you talk about the moment someone realizes that you’re just not good enough for them? Grace brought her hand to my chin to force me to look up at her. When we were level with each other, she captured my lips with her own. It was one simple kiss, but conveyed so much, and gave me the strength I needed to go on.

  “Nikki came from a very well off family. They owned this chain of shopping centers in their area. It was known that Nikki was going to go into the family business, and I realized once I grew closer to them, that they just kind of assumed that I would too. I was undecided, but they all figured I was eventually going to choose business. Truthfully, I figured that too until I took a creative writing class and fell in love. I never knew just how therapeutic it could be to get my thoughts down. When I told Nikki that I was going declare my major as English with a concentration on creative writing, she wasn’t happy. I sat down with her family, and they convinced me I should at least make journalism my concentration instead, since apparently, that’s where the money is. Even though I took their advice, things still changed after that. It was a slow change, that I think was slowed even more by how much it hurt me when my grandma died, but by the time we were at the end of our junior year, it was completely done. I didn’t want to see it, so Nikki pulled the plug. She told me that she felt like our lives were going in different directions, but I know it was because she didn’t believe my income or career choice was going to be good enough for her or her family.”