The Bollywood Breakup Agency

by Naina Gupta

  And then Navin was smiling and kissing her. ‘Why is it that everything you do and say makes me want you?’

  Returning his kiss, Neela laughed. ‘I honestly don’t know. Because I seem to have the opposite effect on everyone else.’

  After about ten minutes, Navin pulled away, much to Neela’s relief who thought she was about to go further with him right there in her Mini. ‘Are you sure there isn’t anything else you need to tell me?’ he asked.

  ‘That’s everything, I promise!’ And this time, Neela was almost telling the truth.

  After all, the only thing Navin didn’t know was that she was at war with that oily little Mr Trivedi. Who had seen her take delivery of that porno video. Why bother telling him about that?

  ‘So, what are we going to do now?’

  Neela told him she was homeless.

  ‘But your parents don’t know about Kiran, do they? Why don’t you go back inside and make-up? Reveal the ugly truth.’

  ‘And if they don’t believe me?’

  ‘Well, some guy called Jai Sharma told me all about Kiran – and he was most insistent that I tell you that. I am sure he’d be happy to come around and tell your parents too.’

  Thinking about this, Neela wondered at Jai’s action. Why was he being so nice? He clearly didn’t want to get into Neela’s good books to date her, not if he was telling Navin about Kiran. What was Jai up to? Genuine niceness wasn’t his style.

  ‘Neela?’

  ‘Sorry, yes?’

  ‘Go inside, and sort things out. Then, tomorrow night, get dressed into something nice, and I’ll take you to the best restaurant in town and propose properly.’

  ‘Ooo, the Ivy? I’ve always wanted to go there.’

  ‘I’ll see what I can do.’

  With a mouth that ached from smiling so much, Neela slapped another kiss on his lips and then got out of the car. ‘Sounds like a plan,’ she said.

  ‘I get worried when I hear you say the word plan,’ Navin said, wide grin matching her own.

  ‘It’s all cool, don’t worry.’

  He flicked the locks on the Aston. ‘I’d rather it be hot, personally!’

  *

  When Neela reappeared in the kitchen, Soorbhi actually ran (and she hadn’t run in, well, forever) and hugged her.

  ‘I thought I had lost you forever.’

  ‘You threw me out of the house, remember.’

  ‘And she’s only been gone for an hour or so,’ Rishi pointed out, smiling at his daughter. Neela’s heart warmed as she realised that her parents were clearly all talk and no action. Not that it mattered, because she had some news that would definitely cheer them up.

  ‘Guess what?’

  ‘You are marrying Kiran again?’ Daadi-ji called, recliner at full tilt in the corner.

  ‘No.’

  ‘You’ve already married him?’ Soorbhi said, clapping her hands in hope. It wouldn’t be the best solution but it would stop the gossip.

  ‘No. I am never marrying Kiran.’

  Rishi groaned. ‘So we are back to that, then.’

  ‘Dad, listen. Someone told me that Kiran was planning to stand me up at my own wedding, and shame me forever. My dropping him ruined his plan. The only way it will still work is if you force me to go ahead with it.’

  That piece of news actually had Daadi-ji speechless.

  Finally, Soorbhi replied. ‘Who, who told you this?’

  ‘A trustworthy third party. He can be called upon to give evidence if necessary.’

  ‘What if he is lying?’

  ‘Believe me, if it wasn’t true, this person wouldn’t say it was.’ Navin would have never asked to marry her if he wasn’t sure that Jai was telling the truth, would he?

  There was a moment’s silence as the family digesting the information. Then they exploded.

  ‘The scoundrel!’ Soorbhi held Neela tightly, rubbing her messy hair as if to try to rub the scourge of Kiran off her.

  ‘I’LL KILL HIM!’ Rishi said, quoting Lohit in PAL. Thinking about the show sent shivers up and down Neela’s spine. Navin had asked her to marry him. Navin. Wait until her mum and grandmother heard about it. They would simply die.

  ‘You should,’ Neela said solemnly. ‘I was always far too good for him.’

  Rishi nodded fiercely. ‘I should have listened to my colleagues at work over those police cautions. Once a brawler, always a brawler, he said.’

  ‘He probably would end up beating her, too,’ Daadi-ji added, for good measure.

  Looking about for his car keys, Rishi said he was going to pay the Acharyas a visit. ‘Don’t you worry, darling, I’ll sort this out.’

  All was good with the world. Navin was a total lifesaver, in every single way.

  ‘I think I’ll go upstairs and have a shower,’ Neela said. ‘I feel grimy from sitting in my car.’

  ‘You do that,’ Soorbhi said, kissing her loudly on the cheek. ‘We will just be here watching PAL.’

  ‘Oh, is it on?’ Neela held the delicious secret of her engagement close. First, she’d get them all to comment on how handsome and wonderful her future husband was, and then she would reveal all. They would be so proud!

  And relieved that they hadn’t set her up with that loser son of the greasy Mr Trivedi.

  The fight between Lohit and Navin continued – down the road and around the corner. Navin and Lohit threw punch after punch at each other and Ishika, the real Payal and Mummy-ji standing in the doorway of the mansion, unable to see the action clearly but crying hysterically nonetheless.

  It was raining and thunder and lightning were still violently booming in the sky, matching the intensity of the fight taking place below them. Navin grabbed a hold of Lohit’s shirt: ‘Your father killed my father! I deserve the family money, you deserve nothing. Your father was an evil man and your mother is just as bad. Now I have to live in the shadow of the man whose father is the reason I was thrown out on the street.’

  Lohit was straining desperately, and then he was finally about to get some words out. ‘You will die on the streets like an animal.’ Dramatic music accompanied his words.

  Hang on? Was Navin going to die? Neela hadn’t considered where they would live or anything like that, but she had liked the idea of being a soapstar’s glamorous wife.

  Before she could dwell further on her future, Neela’s mobile buzzed. Jai Sharma? What on earth did he want now?

  She went into the good room. ‘If you tell me you want Rupali back, it’s too late. She’s with V’s ex. I couldn’t possibly risk V’s happiness like that.’

  ‘God no, he can have the bunny boiler. Brilliant tactic, by the way.’

  ‘Why do you care?’

  ‘Well, actually, that’s why I am calling. Did you speak to your boyfriend?’

  ‘Kiran is no longer my boyfriend.’ Neela really wanted to be left alone to daydream about Navin. Perhaps she needed a separate phone for clients? One she could turn off? But if she were getting married, would she continue with her business? Hmm, she would have to consider . . .

  ‘Not him, the good-looking one with all the money.’

  ‘Navin, yes I did.’

  ‘Nice clothes. He must be rolling in it. That CK jacket I saw him in was worth a mint.’

  ‘I suppose I should say thanks, for what you told him?’

  ‘Well, it was only right, wasn’t it? Saw him in town and told him the truth. Ages ago, that Kiran had told me he was planning to ditch you at the altar, but I assumed you’d handle it. After all, ditching people is your line of business. When I saw him on at you at V’s engagement–‘

  Neela interrupted him. ‘What were you doing there?’

  A nervous cough, then: ‘Well, that’s what I want to talk to you about. I figure you owe me now, and I have another little job for you.’

  ‘Don’t tell me you’re engaged again already? Or wait, you’ve got some girl pregnant?’

  ‘No, the opposite. I need you to help get me a wife.’

&
nbsp; Thinking of all the sluts Jai had at his disposal, Neela found the suggestion laughable.

  ‘Seriously. The one girl I want, the only girl I want, hates me. And you do owe me.’

  Sighing, Neela figured it couldn’t be too difficult. After all, at least Jai was trendy, cute and had money. ‘Alright, who is this girl then?’

  ‘Vidya Patel.’

  At first Neela thought she’d heard wrong.

  ‘Neela, you there?’

  ‘Did you just say V? My V? My best friend V?’

  ‘I know it’s weird. I am totally in love with her. She is the only woman I’ve ever really wanted.’

  ‘This is a joke. I won’t let you hurt her.’

  ‘No joke, honestly. I love how different she is from all those other girls. Eats properly, has some meat on her bones. Seriously, she is hot.’

  Neela’s head was spinning with the events of the past few days. This was about all the intrigue she could take.

  ‘Let me see what I can do. It might be impossible. She isn’t keen on you, you know. And you do have a reputation as a player. Decent girls don’t like that.’

  ‘That’s why I need you. To work your magic, but in reverse, of course.’

  Agreeing to speak to V and gauge how difficult a battle Jai had ahead of him, Neela rung off. First thing in the morning she’d go to V’s house and drop the bombshell of Jai’s love and offer of commitment. She wondered if V’s parents would an issue about her marrying someone who wasn’t a Patel.

  Honestly, could this day become any stranger?

  Any moment, Daadi-ji would come in wearing jeans, and the insanity would be complete.

  Chapter T hirty-eight

  LATE THE NEXT MORNING, NEELA drove to V’s house. After she parked in a visitor’s bay, noting with relief the morning’s parking restrictions were over, she spent a moment just catching her breath, working out what to say. Deciding she didn’t really have a clue, she knocked on the door.

  V’s mum opened it. ‘Neela. You poor thing!’

  ‘Hello Auntie. I’ve come to see V.’

  Aunty let her in, muttering that no boy in the world could be trusted nowadays and agreeing to be polite, Neela took off her shoes and went to find V. Her friend wasn’t surprised to see Neela – in fact, she apparently expected to see her yesterday, when Mrs Solanki had rung to tell them to pass the word that Kiran Acharya was a deceitful no-hoper who had tried to disgrace her daughter.

  ‘Imagine it,’ V said. ‘Trying to make you unmarriable. The fiend!’

  ‘I suppose it might be karma for doing it to Rupali, but just wait until you hear my good news!’

  ‘I tried to spread the word about Kiran for you, when I called your gossipy cousin Hira, but it turned out she already knew (via your Daadi-ji’s best friend’s daughter’s husband’s sister), so we ended up in an inane conversation about platform shoes. That girl can sure talk.’

  ‘You should know better than to call Hira, unless you are trying to stay awake for some charity event or something.’ Neela wound her arm through her friend’s and they went into the tiny patio garden of the Harrow house, where a speck of sun was warming the plastic-covered patio furniture. V wiped off the seats with a tissue and they sat down.

  ‘So, what’s this news?’

  Neela longed to tell V about Navin, and to offer her a position in her wedding, but for once, she knew that it was better to put her friend first, and reveal the information Jai had divulged.

  ‘Well, there are two things, actually. The first is, you have a secret admirer.’

  V, dear sweet V with her round face and disobedient hair, was actually more surprised to hear that than Neela had been when Navin proposed! ‘What! God, who? Not Girish’s cousin? The one with all the hair growing out of his ears?’

  ‘No. Not a Patel. And actually, he is very cute.’

  ‘Like a teddy bear cute, or like your soap star cute?’

  Neela blushed at the mention of Navin. ‘Honestly, properly cute.’

  ‘Would you date him?’

  ‘Well, I might, if I didn’t know him.’

  V frowned. ‘What does that mean?’

  Lying back to take in the sun for a moment, Neela thought about how to put Jai’s obsession to V. Having thought it through overnight, she’d decided they could be a brilliant match, if Jai promised not to fool around with other women. After all, it wasn’t as if V didn’t know what he was like – he wouldn’t be able to fool her like he planned to with Rupali, would he?

  Then V shook her arm. ‘Will you just tell me who it is? The suspense is killing me.’

  Leaning forward again, Neela looked her best friend in the eye. ‘It’s Jai. Jai Sharma.’

  That induced hysterical laughter, but when Neela didn’t join in, V stopped and stared. ‘You’re serious?’

  ‘’The only girl he wants’, were the words he used.’

  ‘No!’

  ‘Yep. You are different from other girls, it seems. And he was at your engagement, which is how he saved my relationship?’

  ‘With Kiran? Have I entered an alternative universe?’

  ‘No,’ said Neela, ‘with that guy Navin.’

  ‘The soap star? God, my head is spinning.’

  Finally, Neela couldn’t hold it in any more. ‘And that’s the other piece of news, thanks to Jai telling Navin that Kiran told him about shaming me, Navin forgave me for not telling him I was engaged, and asked me to marry him.’

  The ensuing screams were heard in the front living room, and Mrs Patel came running.

  ‘Shhhh!’ Neela put a finger to her lips. ‘My parents don’t know yet. We are waiting until after our proposal dinner tonight.’

  ‘What is wrong? What has happened?’ cried Mrs Patel.

  ‘A wasp!’ V said, trying not to laugh.

  ‘What? In autumn? I will go and check for nests in the roof.’

  When they were alone again, Neela asked what V planned to do about Jai.

  ‘Now that I think about it, he has been acting weird around me.’

  ‘How?’

  ‘Turned up at my wedding lengha fitting, for one.’

  ‘Jai Sharma went to that shop in Wembley?’ Now Neela couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

  ‘And you saw yourself how he was at Bazaar the night of my engagement. Wanting you to leave, but me to stay.’

  ‘True.’ Neela was amazed not to have hadn’t noticed that. Then again, thoughts of losing Navin and the dastardly Kiran were pretty much clogging her mind. ‘Sooooo?’

  ‘He’s a player, though.’

  ‘But you know that. And he’s got to be sick of that game. At least, he seems to be.’

  ‘I don’t know . . .’

  ‘And he’s a pretty good catch, it has to be admitted.’

  Now it was V’s turn to blush. ‘He is pretty cute, isn’t he?’

  ‘Very cute.’ Neela grinned. ‘Just ask Rupali.’ She offered up her BlackBerry. ‘I have the number right here.’

  And then V told her to dial the number.

  *

  ‘You are going out, beti?’ Daadi-ji was peering at Neela as if she was a caged endangered species. ‘PAL is almost on.’

  Even though it was less than three hours until Neela’s big date, and there was still much styling to be completed, it was impossible not to catch every glimpse of her beloved that she could. Even after pinching herself numerous times, she was still astounded that Navin had actually proposed.

  ‘Neela, it is starting.’ This time it was Soorbhi. Did they think she was as addicted as them to that soap? Well, she was, but not for the same reasons. The title music was just beginning as she walking into the kitchen.

  ‘Did you wash your hair?’ Her mother’s eagle eye ran over her.

  ‘I’m going out with V.’

  ‘Oh, tell her–‘

  ‘Be quiet, it’s starting,’ Daadi-ji said far too seriously, settling slowly into her recliner.

  ‘NOOO!’ Everyone cried, even thos
e who couldn’t see the action. The camera panned to Navin, who was lying in the middle of the road as a lorry came hurtling towards him.

  Then it was back to the evil wife Ishika, who screamed a perfect-pitched cry, before collapsing onto the floor. She was clutching her stomach, and the camera zoomed in on her.

  Suddenly, a loud bang was heard. The scene turned to Lohit, who stared at the road, now somehow standing many metres away from his nemesis, Navin. Minor panic and mass confusion alternated on his handsome face as he realised what he had done to his cousin, his own flesh and blood.

  ‘I’ll have to ask him about this,’ Neela said, concerned for her fiancé’s career, before realising she’d spoken the words aloud.

  ‘Ask who?’

  ‘Not that Kiran!’ Rishi had come home from work and was looking daggers at her. ‘I forbid you to see him again. I have told his father I will sue him if he comes near you.’

  ‘God, no, I was talking about my friend’s husband. He works for the show.’

  ‘Does he know what is going to happen?’ Neela’s grandmother’s eyes lit up.

  ‘Sorry, Daadi-ji. I don’t think so.’

  Ishika started to clutch her stomach again, writhing about on the floor in pain. ‘MY BABY!’ She screamed. No one called the ambulance for her; they all stood and stared at the action unfolding out of view in the street outside. The lorry driver got out of his vehicle and dialled for the ambulance. A group of about forty bystanders looked underneath the vehicle, but there was no sight of Navin. He had completely disappeared under the lorry.

  The credits ran, and Neela sat, hoping to get a glimpse of Navin’s full name, so she could Google him. She still didn’t know anything about him. Not that it mattered. Love was all that mattered.

  ‘Neela?’ Soorbhi said, tapping her daughter on the shoulder. ‘Do you want to help with the chapattis?’

  Then Rishi commented that it was late and asked whether dinner was ready and Neela realised that if she didn’t hurry, she wouldn’t be ready when Navin picked her up.